Sweetly luscious,
creamy... dreamy...
Eyes roll back,
steamy... screamy...
Bump and thunder,
and hips... no wonder.
Lipping, slipping, tongues a-tripping,
hearts a-pounding, loving, dripping.
Lascivious last, the final quakes,
a final arch, the hunger breaks.
Sweetly luscious,
being... freeing...
Eyes close now,
dreaming... dreaming...
by Ana Banana Bella
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Fun Weekend Comes To a Bumpy Close, News at 11
Why do people have to ruin everything good? Have you ever noticed that when things are going really well in a relationship for a while, someone seems to have an overwhelming urge to fuck up the good progress?
Well, I don't want to talk about it.
What I want to say is that I'm back and better than ever babies! I'm doing a 3 day water fast this week. If it goes well I'll probably start trying to do 2 or 3 days every week. I need to accelerate the weight loss. It is coming along, but not fast enough.
Nothing is as fast as fasting. Maybe that's why they call it that.
I think I'll start tomorrow. Yes tomorrow. There's no better time than now right? Lets do it!
No week in review this week. I retreated midweek into the mountains for a lakeside getaway. I played a lot and ate some. Not too bad, but I don't have the cal counts so I'm going to have to skip it. I did have one bad day.... I'll say it since I'm honest here and not going to lie to you... I bet saturday was a 2000 calorie day. FML. It's tricky eating the right things being out in the middle of nowhere, and being active I had to eat. But I'm ok. The other days were more like 600-800 cal days.
Ok, I'm off for some late evening fun to take my mind of the aforementioned relationshit. G'night girlies!<3
Well, I don't want to talk about it.
What I want to say is that I'm back and better than ever babies! I'm doing a 3 day water fast this week. If it goes well I'll probably start trying to do 2 or 3 days every week. I need to accelerate the weight loss. It is coming along, but not fast enough.
Nothing is as fast as fasting. Maybe that's why they call it that.
I think I'll start tomorrow. Yes tomorrow. There's no better time than now right? Lets do it!
No week in review this week. I retreated midweek into the mountains for a lakeside getaway. I played a lot and ate some. Not too bad, but I don't have the cal counts so I'm going to have to skip it. I did have one bad day.... I'll say it since I'm honest here and not going to lie to you... I bet saturday was a 2000 calorie day. FML. It's tricky eating the right things being out in the middle of nowhere, and being active I had to eat. But I'm ok. The other days were more like 600-800 cal days.
Ok, I'm off for some late evening fun to take my mind of the aforementioned relationshit. G'night girlies!<3
Once Upon A Family... Part 2
(Once Upon A Family... Part 1)
My dad met and fell in love with my mom, a sweet and rebellious catholic school girl. Together they found an escape from their childhoods in the hippy movement of the 60's. My mom was an all-american girl living the American dream. She was slender, blond, and beautiful. The oldest daughter of 5 kids, with one of them her older brother. They were upper class and had summer homes. She grew up playing on lakes in the summer time, sledding in the winter time, and a victim to catholic guilt and borderline alcoholic parents all year round. Her father, the sweet, gentle, blind-eyed optimist, and her mother the exhausted hostess, and socialite. Like most wealthy families they had secrets I still don't know. But my mom left all that to be free and poor with my dad when she was about 19.
My mom stayed home and raised me, Kit, and Mei... in that order. As I said, my dad never physically harmed us, but he was verbally and emotionally brutal, especially to me. I was often his favorite. He loved that I had a quick mind and sharp wit just like him. He often relived his relationship with his father through me and accused me of trying to overthrow him in the family. There was nothing we didn't fight about. He was abusive. He would say he was tough on me to make me stronger. I would say he was in deep need of a therapist and years of couch time. My sisters often watched... each with their own opinions but both glad it wasn't them he was after. The only one he'd pursue with such a fury was my mom. But my mom was a fragile person and I would get in the middle of their fights so he'd pick on me instead. She just couldn't take it and was happy to run away while I weathered the storm for her.
My dad met and fell in love with my mom, a sweet and rebellious catholic school girl. Together they found an escape from their childhoods in the hippy movement of the 60's. My mom was an all-american girl living the American dream. She was slender, blond, and beautiful. The oldest daughter of 5 kids, with one of them her older brother. They were upper class and had summer homes. She grew up playing on lakes in the summer time, sledding in the winter time, and a victim to catholic guilt and borderline alcoholic parents all year round. Her father, the sweet, gentle, blind-eyed optimist, and her mother the exhausted hostess, and socialite. Like most wealthy families they had secrets I still don't know. But my mom left all that to be free and poor with my dad when she was about 19.
My mom stayed home and raised me, Kit, and Mei... in that order. As I said, my dad never physically harmed us, but he was verbally and emotionally brutal, especially to me. I was often his favorite. He loved that I had a quick mind and sharp wit just like him. He often relived his relationship with his father through me and accused me of trying to overthrow him in the family. There was nothing we didn't fight about. He was abusive. He would say he was tough on me to make me stronger. I would say he was in deep need of a therapist and years of couch time. My sisters often watched... each with their own opinions but both glad it wasn't them he was after. The only one he'd pursue with such a fury was my mom. But my mom was a fragile person and I would get in the middle of their fights so he'd pick on me instead. She just couldn't take it and was happy to run away while I weathered the storm for her.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Pro-Ana Pride (WARNING: VERY CONTROVERSIAL)
Why do people have to be so judgmental about rapid weight loss? OhMyGosh is under fire for losing weight so quickly. Why is that looked at as being so bad? She's not even underweight yet. 5'3" and 122 is NOT too skinny or on death's door. She's lost 34 lbs in about 3 months with Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia. She was heavy and refused to be anymore. I don't see the down side. Mia is rough. I don't do it, but maybe I would if I could sometimes. I see the allure. Even so, though.
When actors lose weight quickly and do extreme things for roles and do well, they are nominated for academy awards.
When athletes train, they do so to muscle failure, exhaustion, vomiting, and even surgeries. They can stunt their growth at an early age, and mess up their hormones. Young olympic athletes do it all the time! People over-train, take enhancers, and sometimes die from it. We don't look at athletes and say, "Oh what a shame. Look at them killing themselves for some stupid medal. It's sad. What are they trying to prove anyway?" No, they're heroes!
How about people who work themselves to exhaustion on careers. They get fat, their personal lives fall apart, they become utterly alone and work obsessed. They make tons of money and build billion dollar companies. Is what they do healthy? NO! But they are glorified and glamorized... and did I mention all the $$? We don't say, "Poor messed up professional... how sad. Over-compensate much? What are they hiding from in all that work? What a shame. Maybe we should have an intervention."
So how is rapid weight loss, calorie deprivation, and yes, even purging any different? Like all of these other things, there is such a thing as too much. Athletes can die or become crippled, Workaholics can become suicidal, and Anorexic or Bulimic can starve to death or do permanent damage.... yes that is true. And we all hope to god that these people have the sense or support to not take any of it that far. To reach success and find a way to level out.
And fuck, smoking has no real up side and we KNOW you are pretty much CERTAIN to die of it. Why don't they get more crap? They ARE killing themselves for a fact. Oh but everyone gets all bent out of shape if you throw up to lose weight. "But the damage to your esophagus!!" Yeah, I know, its bad... but its no where near as bad as fucking smoking! Why aren't we institutionalizing smokers for suicidal tendencies? Seriously. I want to know.
I suppose I could be wrong, but I feel this is a severe double standard and it disgusts me. Many of us are or have been FAT! This is dangerous and unhealthy too! More people die of fat related illness and complications BY FAR then thin people starving to death per capita!
Back to the main subject at hand, among the successful at ANYTHING extreme measures are employed. The road is hard and painful. We hurt ourselves to get there. Very often this is a sacrifice required. If dangers exist, ok, lets acknowledge them together. When they become a problem, ok, we'll deal with them. But until that time, the extreme measures and diets are our means to an end. People who love us should understand that. Hypocrites who don't understand it should fuck off or take a look in the mirror... or both.
I hope this helps put things into perspective. Love me or hate me for this post, it is true, and I hope you link to it and pass it on. It needs to be heard.
Personally, I'm glad my husband and at least one of my sisters understand that about me right now. They are supportive, with a watchful eye. THAT is love.
For OhMyGosh's post:
http://starvingtobeperfect.blogspot.com/2010/05/zip-your-lips.html
When actors lose weight quickly and do extreme things for roles and do well, they are nominated for academy awards.
When athletes train, they do so to muscle failure, exhaustion, vomiting, and even surgeries. They can stunt their growth at an early age, and mess up their hormones. Young olympic athletes do it all the time! People over-train, take enhancers, and sometimes die from it. We don't look at athletes and say, "Oh what a shame. Look at them killing themselves for some stupid medal. It's sad. What are they trying to prove anyway?" No, they're heroes!
How about people who work themselves to exhaustion on careers. They get fat, their personal lives fall apart, they become utterly alone and work obsessed. They make tons of money and build billion dollar companies. Is what they do healthy? NO! But they are glorified and glamorized... and did I mention all the $$? We don't say, "Poor messed up professional... how sad. Over-compensate much? What are they hiding from in all that work? What a shame. Maybe we should have an intervention."
So how is rapid weight loss, calorie deprivation, and yes, even purging any different? Like all of these other things, there is such a thing as too much. Athletes can die or become crippled, Workaholics can become suicidal, and Anorexic or Bulimic can starve to death or do permanent damage.... yes that is true. And we all hope to god that these people have the sense or support to not take any of it that far. To reach success and find a way to level out.
And fuck, smoking has no real up side and we KNOW you are pretty much CERTAIN to die of it. Why don't they get more crap? They ARE killing themselves for a fact. Oh but everyone gets all bent out of shape if you throw up to lose weight. "But the damage to your esophagus!!" Yeah, I know, its bad... but its no where near as bad as fucking smoking! Why aren't we institutionalizing smokers for suicidal tendencies? Seriously. I want to know.
I suppose I could be wrong, but I feel this is a severe double standard and it disgusts me. Many of us are or have been FAT! This is dangerous and unhealthy too! More people die of fat related illness and complications BY FAR then thin people starving to death per capita!
Back to the main subject at hand, among the successful at ANYTHING extreme measures are employed. The road is hard and painful. We hurt ourselves to get there. Very often this is a sacrifice required. If dangers exist, ok, lets acknowledge them together. When they become a problem, ok, we'll deal with them. But until that time, the extreme measures and diets are our means to an end. People who love us should understand that. Hypocrites who don't understand it should fuck off or take a look in the mirror... or both.
I hope this helps put things into perspective. Love me or hate me for this post, it is true, and I hope you link to it and pass it on. It needs to be heard.
Personally, I'm glad my husband and at least one of my sisters understand that about me right now. They are supportive, with a watchful eye. THAT is love.
For OhMyGosh's post:
http://starvingtobeperfect.blogspot.com/2010/05/zip-your-lips.html
Once Upon A Family... Part 1
Once upon a time, there was a family of 5. A father, mother, and three daughters, Ana B., Kit, and Mei. The father was a loving and generous man, but deeply scarred from years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his war-traumatized father. My grandfather would often beat my dad and grandmother. Sometimes raping my grandmother. He didn't bother with my aunts and uncle as much, but beat my dad bloody fairly often. My dad was his favorite. He loved him the best, beat him the most and worst, and bought him gifts often to make up for it.
When my dad was 18, my grandmother woke up early to make my dad breakfast. My grandfather wasn't awake yet, but when he woke up to find that my grandmother made my dad breakfast before him, he set to beating her severely. My dad had enough and fought back, beating my grandfather and literally throwing him out of the house. He never came back. Eventually they got back in touch, but they weren't ever family again. It was probably a good thing. My grandmother was never with another man (or woman) again.
My dad and siblings grew up terrified to make mistakes. They threw blame like a hot potato in a circle because growing up, who ever was holding the potato when the music stopped was severely beaten... right or wrong. They all developed coping mechanisms, turned their lives a positive direction, and ended up loving but severely fucked up people. None of them ever beat their kids.
When my dad was 18, my grandmother woke up early to make my dad breakfast. My grandfather wasn't awake yet, but when he woke up to find that my grandmother made my dad breakfast before him, he set to beating her severely. My dad had enough and fought back, beating my grandfather and literally throwing him out of the house. He never came back. Eventually they got back in touch, but they weren't ever family again. It was probably a good thing. My grandmother was never with another man (or woman) again.
My dad and siblings grew up terrified to make mistakes. They threw blame like a hot potato in a circle because growing up, who ever was holding the potato when the music stopped was severely beaten... right or wrong. They all developed coping mechanisms, turned their lives a positive direction, and ended up loving but severely fucked up people. None of them ever beat their kids.
Caffeeiiiinnnneee!!!...holy shit.
AnaBanana can see herself becoming quite the caffeine junkie. AnaBanana reeeeeeeally likes 5 hour energy shots! One a day! Yay! Just one is more than enough. And when it's over, I really don't want another one. :) It's great.
In the interest of preserving my RAW day, but also getting enough protein for my workouts I have a new morning shake. Half an avocado and one scoop of my vanilla shake, and a dash of L-Carnatine liquid. It came out good. I like avocado in smoothies.. as long as there isn't too much,
Yesterday was a water fast by day, but I ended up having a propel water around lunch (30 cals) and needed to eat dinner because I'm still taking medicine for being sick and needed something in the tummy. We had sushi. I had a Cherry Blossom Roll and a Miso Soup. About 500 cals. So chalk up about 530 for yesterday's "water fast". Hey, if a day fast is as good as I can do, fine. I think day fasting is great. I have done week long day fasting and done really with it in the past. I'd do a week a month of either juice fasting or day fasting (eating one meal at night), and my co-workers asked if I was "wasting away"... :) God I hope someone asks me that again soon. I would love to waste away. :) "Hey Ana-B, are you wasting away?" :) :) Yes please. :) :)
I had started writing this part talking about my family, but the story I was putting down, all true, shocked me. I think it deserves its own post. God we're so fucked up that it amazes even me. No wonder we have problems. We all deserve a fucking award for how well we are doing under the circumstances.
Breakfast - 223 Calories
In the interest of preserving my RAW day, but also getting enough protein for my workouts I have a new morning shake. Half an avocado and one scoop of my vanilla shake, and a dash of L-Carnatine liquid. It came out good. I like avocado in smoothies.. as long as there isn't too much,
Yesterday was a water fast by day, but I ended up having a propel water around lunch (30 cals) and needed to eat dinner because I'm still taking medicine for being sick and needed something in the tummy. We had sushi. I had a Cherry Blossom Roll and a Miso Soup. About 500 cals. So chalk up about 530 for yesterday's "water fast". Hey, if a day fast is as good as I can do, fine. I think day fasting is great. I have done week long day fasting and done really with it in the past. I'd do a week a month of either juice fasting or day fasting (eating one meal at night), and my co-workers asked if I was "wasting away"... :) God I hope someone asks me that again soon. I would love to waste away. :) "Hey Ana-B, are you wasting away?" :) :) Yes please. :) :)
I had started writing this part talking about my family, but the story I was putting down, all true, shocked me. I think it deserves its own post. God we're so fucked up that it amazes even me. No wonder we have problems. We all deserve a fucking award for how well we are doing under the circumstances.
Breakfast - 223 Calories
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Little Ditty 'Bout Ana and Ed
I see so many blog posts talking about Ana and Ed. A mistress and a master from the sound of things. After having met them both, I have to say, I don't know why people say such terrible things about Miss Ana. I know she can be a bit of a moody bitch, but can't we all? At least she's trying to help. Ed on the other hand is an asshole, plain and simple. What good does he do? I know he treats everyone a bit differently.I know Ed very well, but he's no friend of mine. He tries time and time again to ruin my life. He knows I hate him. Maybe he thinks that if he can't have me no one will... but he's wrong. I'm leaving him. I don't think he's aware of it yet. He's mockingly accepting of my new friendship with Ana because he doesn't think she's a threat. He dismisses her as just a phase, so he's not worried. He's known me my whole life. There with me for as long as I can remember. He credits himself with my tall stature. Says that he can't be so bad since it was him who got me here. Did he? Did he really?
I don't like people who try to give themselves credit for your success. "Well if I hadn't given you such a great recommendation, they would never have hired you." Really? Are you sure? Or are you just trying to give yourself value through my success? I think Ed might be one of those people. "I'm just your good survival instinct, baby. You want to be a survivor don't you? And if you're not feeling good about yourself its your own damn fault not mine. Why don't you get up and run your ass more often."
He can try to lay it all on me, but he is getting complacent from his cushy perch in my life. Fine. What he doesn't know is that I'm burying him. Very slowly he's becoming smaller and smaller. Ana is helping me. She roots him out, reveals him for who he truly is... poison and premature death. Ana is my friend now and you know what? I trust her. Right now she's the angel on my shoulder while Ed is the devil. She will lead me to a happier and stronger place that Ed would only take me away from.
Change hurts, but I find that I don't miss Ed playing a big part in my days. I think I'm a little happier already.
More Message in a Bottle Microposts
Sorry I haven't had time for many lengthy posts lately. I don't even think I've been posting every days calories. I've missed days... :P I'm not falling off the wagon. But am still a bit sick. Still haven't gotten back on my workouts. :P blah.I'm water fasting today just to feel better about things. I want to include more 1 to 3 day water fasts into my weeks. I don't want to do any lengthy ones for a while since I think that's why I ended up sick in the first place. Too much toxicity to process from the detox. So I'll do it gradually in 1 to 3 day bursts until I think I can handle more.
Water fasting does feel good this morning. It feels familiar. In a weird way, the emptiness and mild hunger make me feel safe. I don't know why. Maybe because it's the only solace I had during my recent emotional lows. These feelings are a good reminder of who I am and where I am... like my ringless fingers remind me of the state of my marriage when things start to feel normal. Nothing is normal. I'm grateful for all the things that keep my mind focused on the unhealthy state of my life right now. Denial is a slippery slope, and I want no part of it.
Much <3's and huggles to all my sisters in Ana. :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Time To Get Dangerous
I have been feeling a bit suffocated by my own hypocrisy lately. I tend to be very supportive of my Pro-Ana sisters, but usually will point out some way to make improvements. With regards to myself, I've been working hard too. But...
There is a big BUT here ...
I know better. And I am not doing the best I know right now. It's time to put up or shut up. I fucking know what to do, how to do it, and even more importantly, I've done it before successfully!
I need to go RAW. It's all over Pro-Ana Optimal. It's all over all my comments here there and everywhere. The ONLY way to get your body to NEVER CARE ABOUT BINGING AGAIN is to eat RAW. So that's it. Its time for me to follow my own fucking advice and do it.
So I think I'll be doing a water fast tomorrow.
Yesterday was a mainly raw day and so was sunday. I'm well on my way. I just need to continue cutting out any cooked foods of any kind and I'll be all set. Considering how much weight I want to lose, I think I should be 80% raw every single day. Unless you sit around eating avocados and bananas all day, raw days are incredibly low cal and mostly negative calorie foods.
Ok? There it is. I'm owning up. Sometimes it's hard to take one's own advice, but fuck. There is no better time than the present... Now bring me that horizon.
There is a big BUT here ...
I know better. And I am not doing the best I know right now. It's time to put up or shut up. I fucking know what to do, how to do it, and even more importantly, I've done it before successfully!
I need to go RAW. It's all over Pro-Ana Optimal. It's all over all my comments here there and everywhere. The ONLY way to get your body to NEVER CARE ABOUT BINGING AGAIN is to eat RAW. So that's it. Its time for me to follow my own fucking advice and do it.
So I think I'll be doing a water fast tomorrow.
Yesterday was a mainly raw day and so was sunday. I'm well on my way. I just need to continue cutting out any cooked foods of any kind and I'll be all set. Considering how much weight I want to lose, I think I should be 80% raw every single day. Unless you sit around eating avocados and bananas all day, raw days are incredibly low cal and mostly negative calorie foods.
Ok? There it is. I'm owning up. Sometimes it's hard to take one's own advice, but fuck. There is no better time than the present... Now bring me that horizon.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
:P
I is sick. Blaaaaaaaaah. Sleepy... minor cold... really shitty cough.
Awesome sex last night though. I think I have to take back what I said about only getting that special something from myself, because I felt pretty damn special last night. ;)
Cal counts for yesterday was around a grand. Not bad. I've been sick though and thought I probably should eat a bit to get my strength up. Missed 2 days of workouts now... :(
Friday, May 21, 2010
Well Fuck Me Running... Really...
I had an epiphany. As I was treating myself to an awesome orgasm this evening, something occurred to me. I love myself. hehe I know what you're thinking, yes, literally... but also emotionally, figuratively, spiritually. I think I'm awesome. I'm not sure anyone loves me like I do.So what the hell have I been doing all this time? I love other people too. I deeply care for family and friends. But I think I spend so much time loving them, I've forgotten how much I love me. And all this time I'm loving them, thinking of them, I'm wasting my time because not only can they not reciprocate at the moment for whatever reason, I'm double fucking myself over since I'm ignoring myself to pay attention to them. Add kids who are very deserving of my adoration and attention, it leaves very little left for me.
So that's it. I'm going to love me. I need to recommit. Maybe outside of my kids I just don't have enough time for anyone else.
I will take what I need.
Sex is not a problem, believe me. I'd never get any sleep if I didn't say no or hide fairly often... more than not. And that's just from my husband. If I was the type to allow it, there are always several who'd be more than happy to hit it, and that's even with me fat.
But HOW am I loved? How am I made love to? Sometimes it is what I deserve... very good, passionate hours of amazing sex. I still rarely get the feeling I'm as cherished as I really do cherish myself when given the moment to think about it.
Being that it's no one's job but mine to make me happy, I'm going to do just that. Anything I don't get from others in my life I will get for myself. End of story.
So does anything change now since my orgasmic enlightenment?
Not where ana is concerned. I love me skinny. I am pretty. Blond hair, green eyes, full lips. I am tall. Make me skinny and I'm quite the goddess. And if I scare people when I wear heels, putting me up around 6'1", fuck em. ;) My goal is a perfect 10.
And if anyone happens to be intercepting this blog and its not as anonymous as I hope... I understood this was a possibility the moment I began it. So if you, the Unwanted, are reading this... Hi. :) Know I don't give a shit. You can watch the transformation from your sneaky-ass screen. I'll tell you what, if I ever find out... you'll know. I'll give you a nice sharp slap on the ass.
Back on topic, it changes a few things.
1. I don't care if I have sex with my husband 5x a week, I will "love" myself more often too. (For the record, I am multi-orgasmic with my husband too. None of this is about anything lacking more than a je ne sais quoi I seem to only be getting from myself.)
2. I'm recommitting to RAW. My body needs to be my temple again. I need 70% or more raw, organic, REAL fucking food. Weightloss is effortless and feels great that way. I've done it before, I just didn't finish. This time I'm taking it all the way.
3. Nothing touches my skin that doesn't feel good. I'm throwing out all my uncomfy clothes. Anything I have better look amazing, or feel like heaven or its headed for the Salvation Army.
That's about it. I've been low cal. I'll stay that way. I've been working out, which I'll also keep up.
Fine tuning my metamorphosis... I'm becoming anxious to see the final product. I think it's going to be amazing. I am having a hard time wiping the smile off my face... or maybe its just afterglow. ;)
7 Things You Might Never Have Known About Me
Sweet Sexy Scarlet has nominated me for the prestigious Beautiful Blogger award. (Thank you Scarlet! ) This chain of inter-blog loving comes at the small price of revealing 7 deep, dark secrets... or just 7 things you may not know about me.
This is a bit of a challenge... If you knew me in person, you'd find I'm a hell of an extrovert. :) I'm a frightened girl who gets her thrills in life by taking her many fears head on... becoming frightening rather than being frightened. As a result I don't have many deep dark secrets, but I guess I can share some of the things that you guys don't know about me.
1: When I was a kid, I was a compulsive liar. I wanted friends so badly, I'd say pretty much anything to get them. Fear, fear, fear. Now I'm the opposite. Honest to a fault, especially if it scares me.
2: I was an expert thief by the time I was 8 and to this day was never caught. While most girls were playing barbies, I'd set up a jacket on a chair and practice pick-pocketing. I wanted to be a spy when I grew up. (Side note: I never used my abilities to steal from any individual though, and stopped stealing because I'm a good person and didn't want anyone to get in trouble because I snuck past them.)
3: I care a lot about people and have a rather fragile inner self... this is a big secret because I really don't seem that way outwardly.
4: I have hacked into an internet service provider or two and pulled their client info just to stalk strangers for fun. :) I don't bother with this often, but I'd make an amazingly resourceful stalker if I wanted to... oh and I know how to create multiple identities with legal paperwork and citizenship in other countries.
5: My mom died of cancer when I was 18 after a slow 5 year battle. I took care of her much of the last year. This is still a deep source of pride and pain... It shattered my already somewhat dysfunctional family. It caused me to be a more open person I am now because if I didn't evolve I'd have died along with her. This also led to me being temporarily passively suicidal. I'm glad I survived it. Never got therapy for any of it though... refused.
6: I've only ever kissed or been intimate with one man. I picked him, fell in love with him, and eventually he came to me and the rest is a 14 year history. I love that I've only been with him, and never regretted our loyalty and monogamy for a single moment in that 14 years. Looooong relationships have a whole different set of problems and rewards.
7: One thing I haven't said on my blog... mainly out of fear of judgment... is that I'm pro-ana, but I'm doing it while breastfeeding. So in my normal life (other than with my sisters and husband), the pro-ana thing is a secret. And in my pro-ana life, being a nursing mother has been the secret. My baby isn't a young one though, and is very close to weaning... over a year old... so even though this kind of thing is strongly advised against, any harm it could do is minimal or non-existent... still... I do burn an additional 400 cals or so nursing, so all this is a bit extra hard on me than on people who are not lactating.
I'm not sure who to nominate next that hasn't been already, or who are busy enough not to have time for it.... but I'll go for:
Red
HeatherB
Crickett
Riki Ana
Violet
and
Kate Lunacy
Thursday, May 20, 2010
New GENIUS Excuse Not to Eat!
So every time we're with family and even some friends, we end up stuck with food in front of us we KNOW we need to NOT be eating right? It's torture! Well I have the cure-all excuse!
You have officially been diagnosed with a Gluten Allergy! Gluten sensitivities can range from mild to extremely serious and cause toxic illness in the body. (I actually know a few people with it.) Symptoms vary... tummy trouble, tiredness, bloating, diarrhea, anemia, vomiting, eczema, and depression are a few.
Most store or restaurant bought pre-made foods have gluten in them!
So have a way out of eating:
• alcoholic beverages, beer, barley malt
Basically a bunch of delicious shit you shouldn't be eating anyway if you want to be skinny and gorgeous!
More about gluten issues here...
Grab a copy of this at Borders or Whole Foods and leave it laying around your stuff.
I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.
I mean, I don't need to lie or make excuses. The people close to me actually know I've gone pro-ana. And I'm 32 (almost) so they can shut their faces about it if they don't like it. But if I did need a "cover story" I'm pretty sure this would be it. :)
You have officially been diagnosed with a Gluten Allergy! Gluten sensitivities can range from mild to extremely serious and cause toxic illness in the body. (I actually know a few people with it.) Symptoms vary... tummy trouble, tiredness, bloating, diarrhea, anemia, vomiting, eczema, and depression are a few.
Most store or restaurant bought pre-made foods have gluten in them!
So have a way out of eating:
• alcoholic beverages, beer, barley malt
• batter-fried foods, biscuits, bologna
• bouillon, bran, bread, bread crumbs
• bulgur, buns, cakes, candy
• cereals, chocolate, cocoa, cold cuts
• cookies, cornbread, crackers, cream of wheat
• croutons, doughnuts, dumplings, farina
• flours, graham crackers, granola, gravies
• hot dogs, ice cream, ice cream cones, liverwurst
• macaroni, malt products, malted milk, matzos
• mayonnaise, MSG, muffins, noodles
• ovaltine, pancake mixes, pasta
• pastries, pepper, pies, pita bread, pizza
• pretzels, puddings, pumpernickel bread, rolls
• rye bread, sauces, sausages, soups
• soy sauce, tamari, spaghetti, tortillas
• vermicelli, waffles, wheat germ, some yeastsBasically a bunch of delicious shit you shouldn't be eating anyway if you want to be skinny and gorgeous!
More about gluten issues here...
Grab a copy of this at Borders or Whole Foods and leave it laying around your stuff.I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.
I mean, I don't need to lie or make excuses. The people close to me actually know I've gone pro-ana. And I'm 32 (almost) so they can shut their faces about it if they don't like it. But if I did need a "cover story" I'm pretty sure this would be it. :)
Good Times, Small Meals, and My New BFFs
Yesterday turned out to be a very good day. :) I got my workout in AND I kept my cals down.
Breakfast was my shake, and a 5 hour energy - 214 cals
Lunch was 8 baby carrots, 5 cherry tomatoes, 2 fresh dates - 87 cals
Dinner was 3.5 oz of celery, 2.5 oz of hummus, 3 oz smoked salmon, 1.5 cups of Osuimono japanese soup, and a kale-chinese cabbage salad with lemon juice and salsa for dressing. - 330 cals
Totals me out at 631 for the day. If only every day could be so great. I'm especially proud that more than half of what I ate was RAW FOOD! That's sooooo the holy grail of diets. If you eat raw, you can really eat well, and still be highly calorie restrictive. Pro-Ana Optimal babies! Thanks to that, I know I won't have to fight cravings today. I never have them when I eat raw. Even when I was PREGNANT, if I was eating raw there were no binges or cravings! XD Yay!
<-- And what do you think of my two new BFFs? :)
Aren't they sexy? That's why all of my dinner foods are calculated to the exact ounce. It's kinda fun weighing food. And the little guy adjusts for whatever container you might be weighing your food in too. VERY nice little gadget.
The big guy is the strong, sensitive type. Catches every ounce, I can watch my weight change after a glass of water! Oh... and I'm 168.8 as of this morning! I'm absolutely thrilled!
Good times! I'm beginning to think I might actually get to my goal weight by my goal date! Gonna keep pushing hard, and I just may make it! <3<3<3
Breakfast was my shake, and a 5 hour energy - 214 cals
Lunch was 8 baby carrots, 5 cherry tomatoes, 2 fresh dates - 87 cals
Dinner was 3.5 oz of celery, 2.5 oz of hummus, 3 oz smoked salmon, 1.5 cups of Osuimono japanese soup, and a kale-chinese cabbage salad with lemon juice and salsa for dressing. - 330 cals
Totals me out at 631 for the day. If only every day could be so great. I'm especially proud that more than half of what I ate was RAW FOOD! That's sooooo the holy grail of diets. If you eat raw, you can really eat well, and still be highly calorie restrictive. Pro-Ana Optimal babies! Thanks to that, I know I won't have to fight cravings today. I never have them when I eat raw. Even when I was PREGNANT, if I was eating raw there were no binges or cravings! XD Yay!
<-- And what do you think of my two new BFFs? :)Aren't they sexy? That's why all of my dinner foods are calculated to the exact ounce. It's kinda fun weighing food. And the little guy adjusts for whatever container you might be weighing your food in too. VERY nice little gadget.
The big guy is the strong, sensitive type. Catches every ounce, I can watch my weight change after a glass of water! Oh... and I'm 168.8 as of this morning! I'm absolutely thrilled!
Good times! I'm beginning to think I might actually get to my goal weight by my goal date! Gonna keep pushing hard, and I just may make it! <3<3<3
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
ChaLEAN Week 1, Burn Circuit 1 & 2
I started over, so this is my official first week.
Monday, May 17 was Burn Circuit 1
I wasn't sure about what weights to start at. I found I'm much stronger than I thought. Comes from lifting all those kids the last 8 years.
Sumo Squat w/ Hip Lift
20 lbs, 12 reps
Lunge w/ Posterior Fly
10 lbs, 12 reps
Push Up w/ Leg Lift
Girly push up :P, 12 reps
Dead Lift w/ Posterior Fly
5 lbs, 12 reps (started with 10 and was too worn out from other flys)
Lunge w/ Core Rotation
25 lbs, 12 reps
Bench Press and Leg Lower
15 lbs, 12 reps
Sumo Squat w/ Side Bend
15 lbs, 12 reps, but was WAY too easy. Trying 20 lbs next time.
Forward-Lean Lunge w/ DBL Arm Posterior Fly
omg no more flies!
5 lbs, 12 reps ... my shoulders are soooo weak.
Chest Fly w/ Hip Lift
15 lbs, 12 reps
Tuesday was a day off.
Wednesday, May 19 is Burn Circuit 2
Sumo Squat w/ Bicep Curl
15 lbs., 12 reps
Lunge w/ One-Arm Tricep Extension
10 lbs, and like 5 reps and then I cramped in my right arm...
The pain was amazing and didn't stop for the longest time. My energy drink, the pain, and not having eaten was almost too much for my body to handle and I nearly blacked out. Then I flipped out emotionally and almost cried. I was completely shaking. Wow... I'm not an unstable person, but I was for a little while right about then. Totally fucked up and shaking. I almost called my husband in a panic. My oldest kid calmed me down... hehehe Kids are so sweet. I used it as an opportunity to point out that I am a living example of what not to do. Don't get fat. Eat healthy, stay physically fit, don't worry about being skinny, just be healthy. Getting fat is unhealthy, losing weight too fast is unhealthy... don't be like Mommy. /sigh I hope I'm not giving my kids a complex.
Eventually, my cramp let up, I got a grip, and pointed out that this workout is the healthiest thing I'm doing.
Dead Lift Row
15 lbs., 12 reps
Sumo Squat w/ Overhead Tricep Extension
10 lbs, 12 reps (less weight because my right arm was still sore)
Dead Lift w/ Double Row
15 lbs., 12 reps
Bowler's Lunge w/ Single-Arm Row
20 lbs., 12 reps
Bicep curls w/ Abductor Balance
15 lbs., 11 reps... muscle failure. That is a very good thing. Perfect weight.
Forward-Lean Lunge w/ Double Row
15 lbs., 12 reps but very tired
Triple-Thread Pushups
I think I did 4 before I crashed, then did about 4 more and was hosed.
That's the end of that workout.
I haven't been doing the two workouts a day. No Brazil Butt Lift. It's been tough enough to work around the kids for the last week on ChaLEAN. I will still keep it on my calendar though in case the opportunity arises. It can't hurt.
Calorie Note: Today I've had my protein shake spiked with carnitine (210) for breakfast along with an energy shot (4 cal). 214 total breakfast. Lunch was baby carrots, a few cherry tomatoes, and two fresh dates. 87 cal total for lunch.
My kitchen food scale arrived, no sign of my new bathroom scale though. It better get here today. /snarlies in as menacing a manner as I have energy for... ;)
Monday, May 17 was Burn Circuit 1
I wasn't sure about what weights to start at. I found I'm much stronger than I thought. Comes from lifting all those kids the last 8 years.
Sumo Squat w/ Hip Lift
20 lbs, 12 reps
Lunge w/ Posterior Fly
10 lbs, 12 reps
Push Up w/ Leg Lift
Girly push up :P, 12 reps
Dead Lift w/ Posterior Fly
5 lbs, 12 reps (started with 10 and was too worn out from other flys)
Lunge w/ Core Rotation
25 lbs, 12 reps
Bench Press and Leg Lower
15 lbs, 12 reps
Sumo Squat w/ Side Bend
15 lbs, 12 reps, but was WAY too easy. Trying 20 lbs next time.
Forward-Lean Lunge w/ DBL Arm Posterior Fly
omg no more flies!
5 lbs, 12 reps ... my shoulders are soooo weak.
Chest Fly w/ Hip Lift
15 lbs, 12 reps
Tuesday was a day off.
Wednesday, May 19 is Burn Circuit 2
Sumo Squat w/ Bicep Curl
15 lbs., 12 reps
Lunge w/ One-Arm Tricep Extension
10 lbs, and like 5 reps and then I cramped in my right arm...
The pain was amazing and didn't stop for the longest time. My energy drink, the pain, and not having eaten was almost too much for my body to handle and I nearly blacked out. Then I flipped out emotionally and almost cried. I was completely shaking. Wow... I'm not an unstable person, but I was for a little while right about then. Totally fucked up and shaking. I almost called my husband in a panic. My oldest kid calmed me down... hehehe Kids are so sweet. I used it as an opportunity to point out that I am a living example of what not to do. Don't get fat. Eat healthy, stay physically fit, don't worry about being skinny, just be healthy. Getting fat is unhealthy, losing weight too fast is unhealthy... don't be like Mommy. /sigh I hope I'm not giving my kids a complex.
Eventually, my cramp let up, I got a grip, and pointed out that this workout is the healthiest thing I'm doing.
Dead Lift Row
15 lbs., 12 reps
Sumo Squat w/ Overhead Tricep Extension
10 lbs, 12 reps (less weight because my right arm was still sore)
Dead Lift w/ Double Row
15 lbs., 12 reps
Bowler's Lunge w/ Single-Arm Row
20 lbs., 12 reps
Bicep curls w/ Abductor Balance
15 lbs., 11 reps... muscle failure. That is a very good thing. Perfect weight.
Forward-Lean Lunge w/ Double Row
15 lbs., 12 reps but very tired
Triple-Thread Pushups
I think I did 4 before I crashed, then did about 4 more and was hosed.
That's the end of that workout.
I haven't been doing the two workouts a day. No Brazil Butt Lift. It's been tough enough to work around the kids for the last week on ChaLEAN. I will still keep it on my calendar though in case the opportunity arises. It can't hurt.
Calorie Note: Today I've had my protein shake spiked with carnitine (210) for breakfast along with an energy shot (4 cal). 214 total breakfast. Lunch was baby carrots, a few cherry tomatoes, and two fresh dates. 87 cal total for lunch.
My kitchen food scale arrived, no sign of my new bathroom scale though. It better get here today. /snarlies in as menacing a manner as I have energy for... ;)
Eureka!
Maybe I'll keep my new scale in the kitchen!
If I want to eat, I have to weigh first! If I don't like what I see, no food for me!
-Ana Banana
The Pirate Lack-Post
I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much. I mean to, and I want to, but there is so much going on. I guess I'm spinning around in the whitewash.
The husband came home all apologies and full of compliments and kindness. I guess he had time to think about our recent problems. We're in a really weird place I don't understand. I don't think he does either, but we're doing our best. It just goes to show you though... relationships will always have their ups and downs and ups and downs like swells on the sea. Some days there will be high highs, others there will be low lows and you'll think you may drown, and then for a time there is smooth sailing on warm gentle waters where you may forget what a dangerous place love can be. Its all part of it.
Love is a bit like Ana. If you quit on it too soon, you may cheat yourself out of something wonderful. But if things get bad and hurtful and you let it go too far, it might kill you. There is a very fine line there somewhere. It is the razor's edge. A place where only the truly brave or truly stupid dare to tread. I think I'm probably a little of both... brave and stupid.
I have a hard time reconciling love and ana. I find my self in the arms of one or the other, but never both. I have to rewire my brain for a threesome. That love is my pro-ana and if I don't stay vigilant my love will suffer. I need to not relapse into my comfort zone with Ed(nos), and try to stay closer to Ana. This is a problem I've had my whole life.
-Ana----Misery---------0---------Happiness----MyEDnos+
That's my scale. I need it to switch around a bit.
-Misery----Ana---------0---------Ana----Happiness----Health+
170 lbs this morning. Aunt Flo is about gone. My new scale is soon to arrive. Much more reliable than my current one. I hope to weigh myself on it first thing tomorrow morning. I never weigh myself during the day unless I'm fasting. I can't stand to see the numbers climb as I eat during the day.
Maybe I should start. Might help remind me to eat less....
Love to you all...
The husband came home all apologies and full of compliments and kindness. I guess he had time to think about our recent problems. We're in a really weird place I don't understand. I don't think he does either, but we're doing our best. It just goes to show you though... relationships will always have their ups and downs and ups and downs like swells on the sea. Some days there will be high highs, others there will be low lows and you'll think you may drown, and then for a time there is smooth sailing on warm gentle waters where you may forget what a dangerous place love can be. Its all part of it.
Love is a bit like Ana. If you quit on it too soon, you may cheat yourself out of something wonderful. But if things get bad and hurtful and you let it go too far, it might kill you. There is a very fine line there somewhere. It is the razor's edge. A place where only the truly brave or truly stupid dare to tread. I think I'm probably a little of both... brave and stupid.
I have a hard time reconciling love and ana. I find my self in the arms of one or the other, but never both. I have to rewire my brain for a threesome. That love is my pro-ana and if I don't stay vigilant my love will suffer. I need to not relapse into my comfort zone with Ed(nos), and try to stay closer to Ana. This is a problem I've had my whole life.
-Ana----Misery---------0---------Happiness----MyEDnos+
That's my scale. I need it to switch around a bit.
-Misery----Ana---------0---------Ana----Happiness----Health+
170 lbs this morning. Aunt Flo is about gone. My new scale is soon to arrive. Much more reliable than my current one. I hope to weigh myself on it first thing tomorrow morning. I never weigh myself during the day unless I'm fasting. I can't stand to see the numbers climb as I eat during the day.
Maybe I should start. Might help remind me to eat less....
Love to you all...
Monday, May 17, 2010
soooooo ZZZZzzzleeepy......
ChaLEAN this morning... burn phase workout 1.... food: atkins shake(160cal) for breakfast plus a 5 hour energy drink (4cal).... lunch was another atkins shake (160).... half an in-n-out protein cheeseburger and half a fries (365)......dinner 5 oz fish 1 sm potato(363). Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 1052 total? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
p.s. the hubby is back... he's so gorgeous. why did I have to marry such a hot guy? /sigh what can I say, I love him. Both the beauty and the beast parts. he may just be the death of me.
p.s. the hubby is back... he's so gorgeous. why did I have to marry such a hot guy? /sigh what can I say, I love him. Both the beauty and the beast parts. he may just be the death of me.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Ugh...Burning My Bra... Week in Review (updated)
Sunday - 529
Monday - 400
Tuesday - 998
Wednesday - ??? I have no recollection. These days get a default 1200 worst case scenario.
Thursday - 880
Friday - 1000
Saturday - 859
5866 (updated... was missing friday... shit. today turned out ok though)
Bah... high week. I don't like it. In my defense, I was PMSing... That explains the extra pound I found on the scale this morning. Humph. Now it all makes sense. A visit from Aunt Flo. The Red Barron flies again! Apparently we're serving hot clam with red sauce for the rest of the week.
Wonderful. I hate working out in this "condition." I usually don't. But between the binge eating and the lack of workouts, this time of the month is usually when anything I'm doing right falls apart and I relapse into my roll as High Queen of Fatdumbitch. Perhaps I'll burn my bra in protest. No, then I'll be the Sagging Queen of Fatdumbitch and won't even be High anymore. Nobody likes a Low Queen.
Well I'm buying a new bathroom scale, a food scale, and some free weights. hehe All things for weight and weighing. One might think I'm obsessed.
Actually I have a problem. I feel less obsessed. I put the "pathetic" into "apathetic". I have a gift/curse. I'm a happy person. This means no matter how awful anything is, soon enough I can adjust to it and enjoy myself. You might think at first that this is really great. Hooray! Happy no matter how bad things are? If only... Well it's not that great. If you're happy enough when things are bad, you don't do as much to make them better. I'm incredible when I'm in a highly stressed state, or in a rage. God, I'm poetry in motion. First I freak out a bit, but when the emotions become stable enough for logic to kick in, and are still present as motivation, I could conquer a fucking continent with my bare hands. But soon enough... I simma down. Simma, simma, simma.... I get happier, more passive, and then I just don't care so much. The world is a bright shiny place. Why change a thing?
Fuck that!
I'm fighting to keep my focus. Fighting to remember why I'm here. Fighting to remember that I have a real problem. Fighting to hang on to reality instead of slipping into a cushy denial. I wish someone here could literally slap me in the face or punch me in the shoulder every time. I need to be smacked around a bit.
I need my weights. Then I can train harder. Maybe that pain will remind me. Gotta get going. Right now....
Monday - 400
Tuesday - 998
Wednesday - ??? I have no recollection. These days get a default 1200 worst case scenario.
Thursday - 880
Friday - 1000
Saturday - 859
5866 (updated... was missing friday... shit. today turned out ok though)
Bah... high week. I don't like it. In my defense, I was PMSing... That explains the extra pound I found on the scale this morning. Humph. Now it all makes sense. A visit from Aunt Flo. The Red Barron flies again! Apparently we're serving hot clam with red sauce for the rest of the week.
Wonderful. I hate working out in this "condition." I usually don't. But between the binge eating and the lack of workouts, this time of the month is usually when anything I'm doing right falls apart and I relapse into my roll as High Queen of Fatdumbitch. Perhaps I'll burn my bra in protest. No, then I'll be the Sagging Queen of Fatdumbitch and won't even be High anymore. Nobody likes a Low Queen.Well I'm buying a new bathroom scale, a food scale, and some free weights. hehe All things for weight and weighing. One might think I'm obsessed.
Actually I have a problem. I feel less obsessed. I put the "pathetic" into "apathetic". I have a gift/curse. I'm a happy person. This means no matter how awful anything is, soon enough I can adjust to it and enjoy myself. You might think at first that this is really great. Hooray! Happy no matter how bad things are? If only... Well it's not that great. If you're happy enough when things are bad, you don't do as much to make them better. I'm incredible when I'm in a highly stressed state, or in a rage. God, I'm poetry in motion. First I freak out a bit, but when the emotions become stable enough for logic to kick in, and are still present as motivation, I could conquer a fucking continent with my bare hands. But soon enough... I simma down. Simma, simma, simma.... I get happier, more passive, and then I just don't care so much. The world is a bright shiny place. Why change a thing?
Fuck that!
I'm fighting to keep my focus. Fighting to remember why I'm here. Fighting to remember that I have a real problem. Fighting to hang on to reality instead of slipping into a cushy denial. I wish someone here could literally slap me in the face or punch me in the shoulder every time. I need to be smacked around a bit.
I need my weights. Then I can train harder. Maybe that pain will remind me. Gotta get going. Right now....
Friday, May 14, 2010
Breakfast - 203 cals
Had an Atkins shake (170) and about an ounce of smoked salmon for extra protein. I did manage to get a 30 min workout in this morning. And without any screaming (by me or anyone else hehehe).
Much better morning than yesterday.
It's gonna be a very busy day today. Got lots of Mom type stuff to do. Fridays...
Sorry to rush off, but I'm on my way out.
Much better morning than yesterday.
It's gonna be a very busy day today. Got lots of Mom type stuff to do. Fridays...
Sorry to rush off, but I'm on my way out.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Breakfast & Lunch - 380 cal
I made a shake for breakfast using my protein powder AND an Atkins drink and some water. Was about 16 oz. and 380 cals to share and drink over breakfast and lunch.
That is 68 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of carbs, and 10 grams of fat. This is good. So I just need about 30 more grams of protein today. 6 oz of smoked salmon at dinner should do it. I think i need a kitchen scale... I'll have some raw broccoli or cucumber or carrots with the salmon. That should do it for dinner.
Damn I just need that agar-agar in here. I could add it to my shakes, or a broth for dinner to go with my fish or something so I could get more fiber without getting much else. 0 grams digestible carbs. You gotta love that stuff. Or maybe I'll use it with some stevia and vanilla extract and make a 0 carb, low cal dessert or something. That would be very good.
That is 68 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of carbs, and 10 grams of fat. This is good. So I just need about 30 more grams of protein today. 6 oz of smoked salmon at dinner should do it. I think i need a kitchen scale... I'll have some raw broccoli or cucumber or carrots with the salmon. That should do it for dinner.
Damn I just need that agar-agar in here. I could add it to my shakes, or a broth for dinner to go with my fish or something so I could get more fiber without getting much else. 0 grams digestible carbs. You gotta love that stuff. Or maybe I'll use it with some stevia and vanilla extract and make a 0 carb, low cal dessert or something. That would be very good.
Cover ya ears Dahlin...
Motherfucking cock sucking son of a two-balled whore!!! Stupid cunt horse shit eating skull fuck!! Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
I'm so pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <-- can u tell?
I don't want to shock anyone, but I'm an extrovert. An extrovert who has about cried 3 times just this morning and has slapped the fuck out of that weepy shit with rage.
Today is day one of my extreme workouts that I need to engage my metabolism and assist my body in burning 20 lbs in 2 months, speeding up my existing calorie restriction weight loss.
ITS A FUCKING 30 MINUTE WORKOUT!!! 30 MINUTES THIS MORNING IS ALL I WANTED!! GODDAMN! I do hate to bitch. I love my kids and I love being a mom.... BUT 30 FUCKING MINUTES IS _NOT_ TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!!!! Not by any standards.
At 10 minutes I'd been interrupted 5 times, no exaggeration! Now I'm sitting here raging. My 15 month old has a cold. He's fed and dry but feeling a bit down and wants to sit on me. Then he gets bored and goes away to play. The second he hears my workout he's on my leg, begging to be picked up.
He just left my lap again. Fucking hell. If I try again and he comes after me I might snap. I just feel like quitting. You want to know why moms are fat? This is one reason why. Because they come last on everyone's list. The kids are more important, the spouse is more important... and you know what? The ones who are self absorbed enough to put themselves first AREN'T FAT!
I feel like quitting. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. This is not fair. 30 fucking minutes. We piss away the day 30 minutes at a time all fucking day, why can't I just get a little tiny piece of that for me????
I swear to god. I'm going to try later maybe. Or try tomorrow maybe. But I SWEAR if I can't make this work, I will seriously starve myself. I will go on an epic hunger strike! Because THAT I can fucking do. That is the ONE THING that I can ACTUALLY do.
My days are either going to look like this:
Or like this:
......... to be continued ................
-UPDATE-
I finally finished my workout while my youngest was napping. Thank god. It really is a short workout, but it is pretty intense and worked up a good sweat. I'm glad. Now I can stop raging. ;) Sorry if I sounded crazy. It happens.
I'm so pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <-- can u tell?
I don't want to shock anyone, but I'm an extrovert. An extrovert who has about cried 3 times just this morning and has slapped the fuck out of that weepy shit with rage.
Today is day one of my extreme workouts that I need to engage my metabolism and assist my body in burning 20 lbs in 2 months, speeding up my existing calorie restriction weight loss.
ITS A FUCKING 30 MINUTE WORKOUT!!! 30 MINUTES THIS MORNING IS ALL I WANTED!! GODDAMN! I do hate to bitch. I love my kids and I love being a mom.... BUT 30 FUCKING MINUTES IS _NOT_ TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!!!! Not by any standards.
At 10 minutes I'd been interrupted 5 times, no exaggeration! Now I'm sitting here raging. My 15 month old has a cold. He's fed and dry but feeling a bit down and wants to sit on me. Then he gets bored and goes away to play. The second he hears my workout he's on my leg, begging to be picked up.
He just left my lap again. Fucking hell. If I try again and he comes after me I might snap. I just feel like quitting. You want to know why moms are fat? This is one reason why. Because they come last on everyone's list. The kids are more important, the spouse is more important... and you know what? The ones who are self absorbed enough to put themselves first AREN'T FAT!
I feel like quitting. I feel like crying. I feel like running away. This is not fair. 30 fucking minutes. We piss away the day 30 minutes at a time all fucking day, why can't I just get a little tiny piece of that for me????
I swear to god. I'm going to try later maybe. Or try tomorrow maybe. But I SWEAR if I can't make this work, I will seriously starve myself. I will go on an epic hunger strike! Because THAT I can fucking do. That is the ONE THING that I can ACTUALLY do.
My days are either going to look like this:
Or like this:
......... to be continued ................
-UPDATE-
I finally finished my workout while my youngest was napping. Thank god. It really is a short workout, but it is pretty intense and worked up a good sweat. I'm glad. Now I can stop raging. ;) Sorry if I sounded crazy. It happens.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
ChaLEAN Extreme Diet Plan
So I'm sure you can guess they want me to eat a LOT more calories than I want to. For my size they suggest about 1700 calories, or a minimum of 1200. :P AND they want you to eat 5 times a day. eek.
I'm not sure I can do that. Not now. I hope this doesn't mess with my results, but I plan on doing it my own way.
The closest I think I could stand is 1000 calories of my own food choices.
"Burn Phase" can be:
3 meals of about 300 calories, and two snacks at around 50 cal each. Their recipes break down to be mostly protein (nearly 50%), then fat (almost 40%), and then carbs (just over 10%).
So, I'll be setting my daily limits for 50 grams of carbs, 125 grams of protein, and 45 grams of healthy fats. Snacks will try for raw veggies.
"Push" or "Lean" phase days seem to require an additional ounce or two of carb and protein/fat in the morning (about 100 cal worth), and for lunch and dinner it is another ounce or two of protein/fat meat (for a 100 - 200 calorie bump). These higher cal days come during months 2 and 3 of the program. If I'm losing weight and inches after the first 30 days, I may try to take their advice and bump up the calories. I'm not sold yet though, so we'll play that part by ear.
Oh man... here we go. I start tomorrow!
P.S. Today's calories are fuCked with a capital 'C'. I was out with other families and kids... they had chocolate, and pizza, and some kind of cinnamon cake, and other things. I didn't eat much, but did have some of each to be polite. /shudders I'm glad that's over... though other than the food I had a really great time. :)
I'm not sure I can do that. Not now. I hope this doesn't mess with my results, but I plan on doing it my own way.
The closest I think I could stand is 1000 calories of my own food choices.
"Burn Phase" can be:
3 meals of about 300 calories, and two snacks at around 50 cal each. Their recipes break down to be mostly protein (nearly 50%), then fat (almost 40%), and then carbs (just over 10%).
So, I'll be setting my daily limits for 50 grams of carbs, 125 grams of protein, and 45 grams of healthy fats. Snacks will try for raw veggies.
"Push" or "Lean" phase days seem to require an additional ounce or two of carb and protein/fat in the morning (about 100 cal worth), and for lunch and dinner it is another ounce or two of protein/fat meat (for a 100 - 200 calorie bump). These higher cal days come during months 2 and 3 of the program. If I'm losing weight and inches after the first 30 days, I may try to take their advice and bump up the calories. I'm not sold yet though, so we'll play that part by ear.
Oh man... here we go. I start tomorrow!
P.S. Today's calories are fuCked with a capital 'C'. I was out with other families and kids... they had chocolate, and pizza, and some kind of cinnamon cake, and other things. I didn't eat much, but did have some of each to be polite. /shudders I'm glad that's over... though other than the food I had a really great time. :)
Feeling Patriotic in the Pro-Ana Nation
I would like to share what I have quickly come to love about this community in the short time I've been here.
The community is so wonderful because of the clear ringing bells of the voices that belong to it. You are all wonderful. And thanks to you, this is such a good place to be. It is relatively non-judging. We are all here due to a lack of acceptance in our lives somehow. We are here looking for improvement somehow and are looking for our self respect. These qualities shine through a vast expanse of personality, situations, and dysfunction. Yes, we are VERY dysfunctional, each of us in our own special way. We are all scarred and battle worn some way or another. These ways differ so much, but the basics are so similar. And of course the obvious uniting force... we need to starve. For one reason or ED or another, we need to starve, we need to lose weight.
I appreciate and adore that we have found a place where we can be this, and be unapologetic about it. That we can care and worry and even help one another without judging or trying to force anything unwanted on anyone. No one is selling anything here. You won't see this in an infomercial. "But it really does work." Yes, it does, but it isn't something anyone outside of it wants to hear.
Life is a beautiful, imperfect thing. It is brutal and unfair. Sometimes we are on the benefiting end of that, and other times we are crushed by it. It is a surge like the tides. I find a poetry here in pro-ana where life can be what it is. And we can be what we are. We can find a way to float, or we can sink here forever, and no matter which happens we can do it honestly.
I know there is some drama, and there will always be some wannabe's, but for the most part I find honesty here. The sincerity makes me swoon. I'm so grateful that such a place exists. Where right and wrong are suspended for what is simply true. <3
So thank you, so much everyone. I'm sure you'll find in my comments on the blogs I read, there are often thank-you's. :) Expect it to continue. I treasure this experience with all of you. And if I never meet any of you... no matter if you succeed and thrive, or seek help and leave this place, or end up literally destroying yourself... just know I loved you. From somewhere in this world, you meant a lot to me. Even if in person we'd hate each other, I care about you, and will always appreciate the role your words played in my life. Not much could mean more to me right now. In fact, really, not much does.
My undying love and appreciation to you all.
The community is so wonderful because of the clear ringing bells of the voices that belong to it. You are all wonderful. And thanks to you, this is such a good place to be. It is relatively non-judging. We are all here due to a lack of acceptance in our lives somehow. We are here looking for improvement somehow and are looking for our self respect. These qualities shine through a vast expanse of personality, situations, and dysfunction. Yes, we are VERY dysfunctional, each of us in our own special way. We are all scarred and battle worn some way or another. These ways differ so much, but the basics are so similar. And of course the obvious uniting force... we need to starve. For one reason or ED or another, we need to starve, we need to lose weight.
I appreciate and adore that we have found a place where we can be this, and be unapologetic about it. That we can care and worry and even help one another without judging or trying to force anything unwanted on anyone. No one is selling anything here. You won't see this in an infomercial. "But it really does work." Yes, it does, but it isn't something anyone outside of it wants to hear.
Life is a beautiful, imperfect thing. It is brutal and unfair. Sometimes we are on the benefiting end of that, and other times we are crushed by it. It is a surge like the tides. I find a poetry here in pro-ana where life can be what it is. And we can be what we are. We can find a way to float, or we can sink here forever, and no matter which happens we can do it honestly.
I know there is some drama, and there will always be some wannabe's, but for the most part I find honesty here. The sincerity makes me swoon. I'm so grateful that such a place exists. Where right and wrong are suspended for what is simply true. <3
So thank you, so much everyone. I'm sure you'll find in my comments on the blogs I read, there are often thank-you's. :) Expect it to continue. I treasure this experience with all of you. And if I never meet any of you... no matter if you succeed and thrive, or seek help and leave this place, or end up literally destroying yourself... just know I loved you. From somewhere in this world, you meant a lot to me. Even if in person we'd hate each other, I care about you, and will always appreciate the role your words played in my life. Not much could mean more to me right now. In fact, really, not much does.
My undying love and appreciation to you all.
Quiet Morning in the Blog World
Its Wednesday. Everybody ok out there? It's awfully quiet out there this morning. :)
That's just as well since I need to get my days rolling a little faster in the morning. I'm going to take a preemptive pain-killer for the head ache I feel may be coming and go tackle my day. Good to see so many of you fasting!
I think I'll liquid day fast today and then eat this evening.
I felt bingey last night. I tried something new. I ate exactly what I wanted to binge on, but I served myself a very small portion of it. Just enough to feel satisfied without causing a problem. I didn't deny myself, but I also didn't create a situation to feel terribly guilty about. It worked out ok, and I felt alright about it considering that it was a binge of sorts.
I should get my fitness programs today. Really excited about that! COME ON! GET HERE ALREADY!! I can't wait to pick through and get started!
That's just as well since I need to get my days rolling a little faster in the morning. I'm going to take a preemptive pain-killer for the head ache I feel may be coming and go tackle my day. Good to see so many of you fasting!
I think I'll liquid day fast today and then eat this evening.
I felt bingey last night. I tried something new. I ate exactly what I wanted to binge on, but I served myself a very small portion of it. Just enough to feel satisfied without causing a problem. I didn't deny myself, but I also didn't create a situation to feel terribly guilty about. It worked out ok, and I felt alright about it considering that it was a binge of sorts.
I should get my fitness programs today. Really excited about that! COME ON! GET HERE ALREADY!! I can't wait to pick through and get started!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Ending My Tuesday
Crawled out of my hole more today. It felt pretty good. Nice to know that there is a bright, warm world on the outside even if I feel cloudy and cold on the inside.
My house is slowly coming along. It is beginning to look more like a vision of something I'd like to be living in. This is a very good thing. Like with my body, I have quite a ways to go but any progress is encouraging and gives me the energy to go on.
Went over my cal limit today... it was on purpose though. Wanted to take in some extra protein and a bit more cals to bolster my energy for beginning my hard workouts starting tomorrow or thursday.
Breakfast was a star fruit - 38 cals
Lunch was an Atkins shake (170), and some veggie stir fry (400 omg) - 570 cals omfs
Dinner was salmon sashimi (220), and another Atkins shake (170) - 390 cals
That totals out to 998.... whew! Just under 1k. Thank godlessness. I knew I'd be over my 650 limit, but really didn't want to go over a thousand. Too expen$ive for my taste.
Winding down for another early night. So sleepy... must... chill.... ;)
My house is slowly coming along. It is beginning to look more like a vision of something I'd like to be living in. This is a very good thing. Like with my body, I have quite a ways to go but any progress is encouraging and gives me the energy to go on.
Went over my cal limit today... it was on purpose though. Wanted to take in some extra protein and a bit more cals to bolster my energy for beginning my hard workouts starting tomorrow or thursday.
Breakfast was a star fruit - 38 cals
Lunch was an Atkins shake (170), and some veggie stir fry (400 omg) - 570 cals omfs
Dinner was salmon sashimi (220), and another Atkins shake (170) - 390 cals
That totals out to 998.... whew! Just under 1k. Thank godlessness. I knew I'd be over my 650 limit, but really didn't want to go over a thousand. Too expen$ive for my taste.
Winding down for another early night. So sleepy... must... chill.... ;)
It's Official!
I'm 170. It's official. I wanted to make sure after the fast that I was done gaining back the liquids before declaring it, but here it is. I'm a stable 170. Ultimately I lost 4 lbs in 5 days. That's not bad at all. I'll take it. :)
My main fitness workouts, Chalean Extreme is on it's way.
And I grabbed Brazil Butt Lift too. My butt actually doesn't need a "lift" oddly, I don't store fat there, so I have a small ass. However! This also means I am a bit lacking in the ass department, so I need to build it up and if Alessandra Ambrosio says this does the trick, I'm all over it. ;)
So that's the plan. I'm dying to get started tomorrow. I don't have a day to lose.
What does scare me about starting these is that I might gain muscle weight. I'm not worried about looking to muscled because I'm long and my muscles look thin and long too when I have them. I'm just really dependent on what the scale tells me and if that number goes up, it will really upset me. I don't care why it went up. It needs to go down. Only down. But I'm trusting the claimed results of these programs that if you stick to them, 20 lbs. in 60 days should be doable. Especially with my own diet. I will NOT be doing their diet. It's like 1200 cals more than what I'm eating now. They can shove it.
What I do have is very low cal protein shakes. I found some good stuff that is low carb, low cal, and low fat. I think they're like 220 cal per serving. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's a bit much... but maybe once a day it's ok. I'll probably make up a serving and drink half of it 30 min before the workout and the other half 30 min after. But for a 600 max cal day, 200 cals is a lot.
Well 'nuff of that. Gonna go read your bloggies and get to work.
<3
My main fitness workouts, Chalean Extreme is on it's way.
And I grabbed Brazil Butt Lift too. My butt actually doesn't need a "lift" oddly, I don't store fat there, so I have a small ass. However! This also means I am a bit lacking in the ass department, so I need to build it up and if Alessandra Ambrosio says this does the trick, I'm all over it. ;)
So that's the plan. I'm dying to get started tomorrow. I don't have a day to lose.
What does scare me about starting these is that I might gain muscle weight. I'm not worried about looking to muscled because I'm long and my muscles look thin and long too when I have them. I'm just really dependent on what the scale tells me and if that number goes up, it will really upset me. I don't care why it went up. It needs to go down. Only down. But I'm trusting the claimed results of these programs that if you stick to them, 20 lbs. in 60 days should be doable. Especially with my own diet. I will NOT be doing their diet. It's like 1200 cals more than what I'm eating now. They can shove it.
What I do have is very low cal protein shakes. I found some good stuff that is low carb, low cal, and low fat. I think they're like 220 cal per serving. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's a bit much... but maybe once a day it's ok. I'll probably make up a serving and drink half of it 30 min before the workout and the other half 30 min after. But for a 600 max cal day, 200 cals is a lot.
Well 'nuff of that. Gonna go read your bloggies and get to work.
<3
Monday, May 10, 2010
Making it an Early Night Tonight
I'm posting early tonight, then I'm going to watch some show of some kind and go to sleep. I want to get an early start tomorrow morning. I need to get my house in order and can't just skulk around my room forever... as much as I've enjoyed it most of the last 2 weeks.
My end of the day calorie count was about 400 calories.
That's good. I had a cup of japanese clear broth with green onions (osumono) for breakfast, and then a japanese seaweed (wakame) soup for lunch... each at about 30 cals. Then dinner was chinese food. Spicy shrimp and garlic vegetables. That made up the rest of the cal count.
This is the kind of day I can live with. The veggies were crunchy, with lots of vitamins and enzymes still intact. The shrimp where yummy, satisfying, and full of low-fat protein. Thanks to my shrunk stomach from the fast, I feel really full too.
I've been ending every dinner with pickled ginger and it seems to keep me from wanting to snack later. Of course so does the fact that I feel like a bloated pig... even if I didn't overeat. ;) Oh well. Whatever works!
My life is in a crumbled heap around me. I'm glad I've been at this for a while. I've felt completely destroyed before in my life. Despite my whole world being upside down and absolute shit, and me losing my mind nearly completely, I know that it doesn't last. And I'm not the only person who can rebound. So even though the world is whipping in utter chaos, I know it isn't the end of it. I will simply reinvent myself, and if I have to, I'll reinvent the whole fucking world with me. I'll just keep sculpting it and prodding at it until something works, or something make sense.
But for now, my world will have to wait because this is my time. Mine. In the next two months, "I'm bringing sexy back." Everything works better when I'm hot. I'll start my new life there.
I love you! Yes, you, all you here and trying. I know you hear it a lot, but really, stay strong! One day at a time we are changing... there are butterflies brewing here in these cocoons, I can feel it!
My end of the day calorie count was about 400 calories.
That's good. I had a cup of japanese clear broth with green onions (osumono) for breakfast, and then a japanese seaweed (wakame) soup for lunch... each at about 30 cals. Then dinner was chinese food. Spicy shrimp and garlic vegetables. That made up the rest of the cal count.
This is the kind of day I can live with. The veggies were crunchy, with lots of vitamins and enzymes still intact. The shrimp where yummy, satisfying, and full of low-fat protein. Thanks to my shrunk stomach from the fast, I feel really full too.
I've been ending every dinner with pickled ginger and it seems to keep me from wanting to snack later. Of course so does the fact that I feel like a bloated pig... even if I didn't overeat. ;) Oh well. Whatever works!
My life is in a crumbled heap around me. I'm glad I've been at this for a while. I've felt completely destroyed before in my life. Despite my whole world being upside down and absolute shit, and me losing my mind nearly completely, I know that it doesn't last. And I'm not the only person who can rebound. So even though the world is whipping in utter chaos, I know it isn't the end of it. I will simply reinvent myself, and if I have to, I'll reinvent the whole fucking world with me. I'll just keep sculpting it and prodding at it until something works, or something make sense.
But for now, my world will have to wait because this is my time. Mine. In the next two months, "I'm bringing sexy back." Everything works better when I'm hot. I'll start my new life there.
I love you! Yes, you, all you here and trying. I know you hear it a lot, but really, stay strong! One day at a time we are changing... there are butterflies brewing here in these cocoons, I can feel it!
Gonna Hit it Hard
I've been eyeballing P90X for a while. People I know are doing it and loving it, it's been recommended personally like 50 times. Well, I'm going to try the girlie version of it called ChaLEAN Extreme (by the same fitness group).
I was looking at the tons of videos on youtube and pics on google. These are NOT people paid to say this stuff. This is amateur honesty happening and people are literally transforming in 90 days.
90 Day results (my starting pic would look a lot like this... but with bigger boobies hehe)
60 Day results
60 Day - This one doesnt look much different but whatev.
I only have 60 days. It's time to hit it hard. I desperately need to be 150 in two months at the latest. At just over 5'10", I smooth out real nice around 150. Far from perfect, but human again. It was my heaviest weight as a teen, and turned plenty of heads. I can continue working the last 20 off from there.
omg I hope this shit works. I probably need to get some sort of good protein shake stuff too. Low fat, low cal, but will help my body take the abuse I'm going to put it through.
One thing we all know for sure... I'll keep blogging it. ;)
P.S. I loved my fast and I love you guys. I've had a total of 50 calories between breakfast and lunch, am feeling hungry, and really don't care. This is happiness.
I was looking at the tons of videos on youtube and pics on google. These are NOT people paid to say this stuff. This is amateur honesty happening and people are literally transforming in 90 days.
90 Day results (my starting pic would look a lot like this... but with bigger boobies hehe)
60 Day results
60 Day - This one doesnt look much different but whatev.
I only have 60 days. It's time to hit it hard. I desperately need to be 150 in two months at the latest. At just over 5'10", I smooth out real nice around 150. Far from perfect, but human again. It was my heaviest weight as a teen, and turned plenty of heads. I can continue working the last 20 off from there.
omg I hope this shit works. I probably need to get some sort of good protein shake stuff too. Low fat, low cal, but will help my body take the abuse I'm going to put it through.
One thing we all know for sure... I'll keep blogging it. ;)
P.S. I loved my fast and I love you guys. I've had a total of 50 calories between breakfast and lunch, am feeling hungry, and really don't care. This is happiness.
Thinspo, and Sensuality Training
I don't need no Thinspo.
I really don't. The scale and my goal numbers are all I need as a motivator. The time for visual Thinspo and hot models will come, but right now, it really doesn't matter to me. I know that I am nowhere near those bodies yet. Eventually when I get into weight range of them, I'll need those pics to fine tune myself and know I made it, but right now... not so much.
The scale tells me I don't deserve Thinspo yet. I haven't earned it.
I need to lose 20 lbs. in 2 months. How the fuck am I going to do that?
I'm losing now. Things are going well. But not fast enough. I'm going to have to add more aggressive workouts... or any workouts. With 3 kids around all day, that is a bit of a challenge unless you consider chasing them to be a workout. My youngest is still too small and slow moving for that to be much of a challenge.
I asked myself a unique question this morning though...
What do you want your body to be able to DO once you look the way you want to?
For me, this is very important. This journey is more about my sexuality more than it is even about food. I need to be agile, fluid, sensual. Even in the slightest day to day movements, a beautiful woman's grace and sensuality should shine through and define her. To fulfill my potential I need to also regain my grace and understated sublime physical appeal.
This is no small thing. It is huge.
You can get to skinny this way. But can you get to sexy? There is a huge difference. I see so many ungainly thin girls... models even. They don't know how to move... how to walk... how to do anything really in any sort of appealing way. It's a turn off. The ability to flow is a refinement that makes a thin girl a truly rare trophy.
I used to be pretty good, but that was long ago. Fat bodies can't move that way. So how can I get back there if I'm not thin enough to be it yet?
I can train. I can workout, train my flexibility, dance, and set physical goals of things I'd like to be capable of doing once that 30 lbs is out of my way. And it will help me get that 30 lbs out of the way.
That is the next phase for me.
I really don't. The scale and my goal numbers are all I need as a motivator. The time for visual Thinspo and hot models will come, but right now, it really doesn't matter to me. I know that I am nowhere near those bodies yet. Eventually when I get into weight range of them, I'll need those pics to fine tune myself and know I made it, but right now... not so much.
The scale tells me I don't deserve Thinspo yet. I haven't earned it.
I need to lose 20 lbs. in 2 months. How the fuck am I going to do that?
I'm losing now. Things are going well. But not fast enough. I'm going to have to add more aggressive workouts... or any workouts. With 3 kids around all day, that is a bit of a challenge unless you consider chasing them to be a workout. My youngest is still too small and slow moving for that to be much of a challenge.
I asked myself a unique question this morning though...
What do you want your body to be able to DO once you look the way you want to?
For me, this is very important. This journey is more about my sexuality more than it is even about food. I need to be agile, fluid, sensual. Even in the slightest day to day movements, a beautiful woman's grace and sensuality should shine through and define her. To fulfill my potential I need to also regain my grace and understated sublime physical appeal.This is no small thing. It is huge.
You can get to skinny this way. But can you get to sexy? There is a huge difference. I see so many ungainly thin girls... models even. They don't know how to move... how to walk... how to do anything really in any sort of appealing way. It's a turn off. The ability to flow is a refinement that makes a thin girl a truly rare trophy.
I used to be pretty good, but that was long ago. Fat bodies can't move that way. So how can I get back there if I'm not thin enough to be it yet?
I can train. I can workout, train my flexibility, dance, and set physical goals of things I'd like to be capable of doing once that 30 lbs is out of my way. And it will help me get that 30 lbs out of the way.
That is the next phase for me.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Cuz I'm the Blogger, That's Why
What used to be this post was a long whiny bitch session about my Mother's Day.... but you know, it was ok. I had a good time being with my kids. I got a massage I desperately needed.
Back to skinniness.....
I feel so bloated right now. Just had my largest meal in a while. >P
Here's my day...
Breakfast - 39 cal
Lunch - 112 cal
Dinner - 378 cal
529 total for the day.
Makes me envy Mia's girls right about now. I ate a whole artichoke, a bowl of popcorn, and pheasant with marinated mushrooms. I cant believe I ate so much. My stomach is pissed. I think tomorrow will be a liquid only day. Real liquid, not smoothies or any blended hamburgers and shit. I don't know what people think theyr'e getting away with by blending things. Juicing, maybe. Blending, no.
Good night everyone. You all give me so much strength, peace, and hope. <3
Back to skinniness.....
I feel so bloated right now. Just had my largest meal in a while. >P
Here's my day...
Breakfast - 39 cal
Lunch - 112 cal
Dinner - 378 cal
529 total for the day.
Makes me envy Mia's girls right about now. I ate a whole artichoke, a bowl of popcorn, and pheasant with marinated mushrooms. I cant believe I ate so much. My stomach is pissed. I think tomorrow will be a liquid only day. Real liquid, not smoothies or any blended hamburgers and shit. I don't know what people think theyr'e getting away with by blending things. Juicing, maybe. Blending, no.
Good night everyone. You all give me so much strength, peace, and hope. <3
Saturday, May 8, 2010
And the Week Wrap-Up... 1365 total
Sunday - Water Fasting - 0 cal
Monday - Water Fasting - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :( - 38 cal
Tuesday - Water Fasting - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength, - 4 cal
Wednesday - Water Fasting - water, less than a c. of juice and broth - 23 cal
Thursday - Water Fasting - supplement (L-Carnitine & Amino Acid), 0 cal
Friday - bean broth soup w/corn, 4 bites of lasagne (eew!), miso chicken broth - 340 cal
Saturday - miso chicken soup, half an avocado cheese sandwich (headed straight for hell), fish sticks (hell), ravioli (yes again), corn, artichoke salad - 960 cal /cry
So I know 960 isn't supposed to be so bad, but my new max is 650! Grrr...
//Ana Banana looks back at her blog sadly and walks the plank... SPLASH!//
That makes a 1365 calorie week. I guess that's something...
I'll do better tomorrow. I'm not burying that fast in thousand cal days! Its like calories at meals are like dollars. I know a 1000 calorie day is something might spring for once in a while, but playing like that every day will make my Pretty Bank go broke. In fact, I'm already in debt. I need to pay my debts before I can start getting myself glittery expensive things like 1000 cal/$ days!
I know I can do this. I know my life depends on it. I am NOT self destructive. I do love myself. That's why I'm doing this. My body deserves better than me in charge of it. I deserve to be someone's submissive. I bet they'd take better care of me than I do. But guess what? They wouldn't want me like this anyway! I'm not my husband's wife. She's thin. She's the most beautiful woman in the world to him, his Queen... And she's gone. Some evil pirate encased her in fat and is holding her captive.
hahahahaha I sound crazy. Do I? Maybe this is the best place for it. I'm so tired. This fast is hard to rebound from. My muscles are stiff, my neck aches, and everything is sore. I am jumpy and dazed all at once. This is getting to be more like one of those free writing sessions where you just type whatever comes to mind...
Blazing bands blind... ties that bind.... they intrude into the room through every crack in the window coverings like water flooding in sharp streams through the cracks of a sinking ship.
Fuck the light.
It fucks me.
I lie there exhausted, spent, worn and submissive.
Is the day done yet?
What more can I give it before the blasting blasted sun sinks behind the city?
And slowly my tired eyes relieve.
Slowly the darkness creeps into the room... seeping...
Goddamn I'm looking forward to sleeping.
Safe in that darkness, I'd let the rest burn.
Every morning is like waking up to a scorched earth,
And I meet it looking for the new potential rising from the ashes.
..... and that's how you know I'm tired. lol When was the last time I did that? 15 years ago? Probably.
Just remember... there's no such thing as a fat mermaid. ;)
Monday - Water Fasting - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :( - 38 cal
Tuesday - Water Fasting - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength, - 4 cal
Wednesday - Water Fasting - water, less than a c. of juice and broth - 23 cal
Thursday - Water Fasting - supplement (L-Carnitine & Amino Acid), 0 cal
Friday - bean broth soup w/corn, 4 bites of lasagne (eew!), miso chicken broth - 340 cal
Saturday - miso chicken soup, half an avocado cheese sandwich (headed straight for hell), fish sticks (hell), ravioli (yes again), corn, artichoke salad - 960 cal /cry
So I know 960 isn't supposed to be so bad, but my new max is 650! Grrr...
//Ana Banana looks back at her blog sadly and walks the plank... SPLASH!//
That makes a 1365 calorie week. I guess that's something...
I'll do better tomorrow. I'm not burying that fast in thousand cal days! Its like calories at meals are like dollars. I know a 1000 calorie day is something might spring for once in a while, but playing like that every day will make my Pretty Bank go broke. In fact, I'm already in debt. I need to pay my debts before I can start getting myself glittery expensive things like 1000 cal/$ days!
I know I can do this. I know my life depends on it. I am NOT self destructive. I do love myself. That's why I'm doing this. My body deserves better than me in charge of it. I deserve to be someone's submissive. I bet they'd take better care of me than I do. But guess what? They wouldn't want me like this anyway! I'm not my husband's wife. She's thin. She's the most beautiful woman in the world to him, his Queen... And she's gone. Some evil pirate encased her in fat and is holding her captive.
hahahahaha I sound crazy. Do I? Maybe this is the best place for it. I'm so tired. This fast is hard to rebound from. My muscles are stiff, my neck aches, and everything is sore. I am jumpy and dazed all at once. This is getting to be more like one of those free writing sessions where you just type whatever comes to mind...
Blazing bands blind... ties that bind.... they intrude into the room through every crack in the window coverings like water flooding in sharp streams through the cracks of a sinking ship.
Fuck the light.
It fucks me.
I lie there exhausted, spent, worn and submissive.
Is the day done yet?
What more can I give it before the blasting blasted sun sinks behind the city?
And slowly my tired eyes relieve.
Slowly the darkness creeps into the room... seeping...
Goddamn I'm looking forward to sleeping.
Safe in that darkness, I'd let the rest burn.
Every morning is like waking up to a scorched earth,
And I meet it looking for the new potential rising from the ashes.
..... and that's how you know I'm tired. lol When was the last time I did that? 15 years ago? Probably.
Just remember... there's no such thing as a fat mermaid. ;)Lunch - 33 cals
Yet another cup of soup.
diluted chicken miso soup - 30
half a cup of spinach - 3
It's amazing how easy it is to eat like this after the 5 day fast. I was so sick I didn't feel like binging. Today I feel good and my stomach has shrunk, I'm less in the eating-by-habit frame of mind, and what little food I'm having feels like a lot. This is really great!
diluted chicken miso soup - 30
half a cup of spinach - 3
It's amazing how easy it is to eat like this after the 5 day fast. I was so sick I didn't feel like binging. Today I feel good and my stomach has shrunk, I'm less in the eating-by-habit frame of mind, and what little food I'm having feels like a lot. This is really great!
Breakfast - 33 calories
A cup of soup.
diluted chicken miso soup - 30
half a cup of spinach - 3
Mmmmm. ;)
diluted chicken miso soup - 30
half a cup of spinach - 3
Mmmmm. ;)
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sex and the Skinny
I think I'm going to write a really trashy romance novel. I got some great ideas when I was out of my mind with my fast. >) This should be fun.
Anyone want their blog identity to be the name of a skinny, hot nympho? It would be a background character in a group of mysterious, sexy party girls who always roll together no matter what trouble they get into. :)
Anyone want their blog identity to be the name of a skinny, hot nympho? It would be a background character in a group of mysterious, sexy party girls who always roll together no matter what trouble they get into. :)
Fasting Recovery & Fat Mermaids Are Gross
... that was just a thought. I'm a bit obsessed with fantasy pirates, and the romanticism of the era of scurrilous sea dogs... privateers of the coast, the east india trading co., and corrupt spaniards acting in the interest of the monarchy. Mmmm.... :) Makes me happy. Maybe even turns me on. Spanish colonial tropics overthrown into strongholds of budding organized crime and prostitution. Looming spanish manors overgrown with vines, and drunken men at sea too long swinging from the chandeliers. They were gone so long! Trips took months! I can see why they hallucinated mermaids!
Then I was thinking, did you ever see a fat mermaid? I guess in cartoons.. But in physical mermaid portrayals, these are sexy sirens of the sea! Alluring, tantalizing, and yes, SKINNY! A fat mermaid would literally be a whalemaid. :P Moby Dick would flee the scene! "Don't call me Ishmael," he'd say. "In fact, just don't call me." lol
Sorry... I'm tired. The fast did a number on me. I'm still unsteady.
Late, late last night I had some soup, raw radishes, and smoked salmon. My weight hasn't changed yet so that's good.
My Plan Today
During the day I'll have some soup I made - Low fat chicken broth (60 cal) and Miso (60 cal)
Tonight I may have some corn and beans. (80)
My projected total is about 200 cal.
Oh wanna know something cool?
My iPhone Tap&Track diet app adjusted my daily max calories with my lost weight! So my new max is 639. This is down from 680. How neat! So if I want to keep losing my goal of 2 lbs per week (plus my additional 3500 cal per week restriction), it adjusts for it. What great software!
Ok, gonna chill now. I still feel like poop.
Then I was thinking, did you ever see a fat mermaid? I guess in cartoons.. But in physical mermaid portrayals, these are sexy sirens of the sea! Alluring, tantalizing, and yes, SKINNY! A fat mermaid would literally be a whalemaid. :P Moby Dick would flee the scene! "Don't call me Ishmael," he'd say. "In fact, just don't call me." lol
Sorry... I'm tired. The fast did a number on me. I'm still unsteady.
Late, late last night I had some soup, raw radishes, and smoked salmon. My weight hasn't changed yet so that's good.
My Plan Today
During the day I'll have some soup I made - Low fat chicken broth (60 cal) and Miso (60 cal)
Tonight I may have some corn and beans. (80)
My projected total is about 200 cal.
Oh wanna know something cool?
My iPhone Tap&Track diet app adjusted my daily max calories with my lost weight! So my new max is 639. This is down from 680. How neat! So if I want to keep losing my goal of 2 lbs per week (plus my additional 3500 cal per week restriction), it adjusts for it. What great software!
Ok, gonna chill now. I still feel like poop.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
BDay Prep: Day 5 Water Fast Complete
Well I survived another day. The hunger is gone. I really could care less about eating. I mean, I joke about people not talking about food around me, and I COULD eat, but I really don't feel very hungry. I'm glad. It's a nice feeling.On the other hand, my headaches have doubled. And without going into too much personal detail, the fast is starting to affect my kids. My husband is traveling and I can't be a very good mommy in bed, strung out, in the dark, shushing their every sound. My oldest is only 7 and has really helped, but come on. So, I'm calling it tonight.
Fast over.
I really hate to quit. I was half way to that 10 day mark and oh was it a fight. I'll try again sometime soon when I have more support here at home.
So here's the wrap up:
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis, :( 38 cal
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength, 4 cal, W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth, 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [x] - water, supplement (L-Carnitine & Amino Acid), 0 cal, W 167.8
.../sigh
The next step is...
Day fasting on broth and low carb juices (veggie) and eating a bit of food at night. It will let me off the fast slowly, give me my strength back, and hopefully keep most of the 8lbs off...and maybe even keep me dropping. There must be a sweet spot in there somewhere.
Thanks everybody who urged me on! Let's do it again sometime! ;) Yarr...
Skinny Soup and the Pirate Queen
I made myself a skinny soup... water fast style.
Its a liter of water, 1 or 2 tbsp liquid amino acids (0 cal), and 4 L-Carnitine tablets (0 cal). It is sitting next to me waiting for the tablets to break up and melt into the water. Looks weird. I've chewed the carnitine tablets before... they're kinda sour... taste a bit like vitamin C. I wonder how this will taste when it melts. If it tastes ok, I'll post an official recipe later. Maybe on Pro-Ana Optimal. Too bad I don't have my Agar yet... I could thicken my Skinny Soup with it.
And now, the look of the modern pirate queen:
Thank you, Nina Ricci.
Its a liter of water, 1 or 2 tbsp liquid amino acids (0 cal), and 4 L-Carnitine tablets (0 cal). It is sitting next to me waiting for the tablets to break up and melt into the water. Looks weird. I've chewed the carnitine tablets before... they're kinda sour... taste a bit like vitamin C. I wonder how this will taste when it melts. If it tastes ok, I'll post an official recipe later. Maybe on Pro-Ana Optimal. Too bad I don't have my Agar yet... I could thicken my Skinny Soup with it.
And now, the look of the modern pirate queen:
Thank you, Nina Ricci.
Team Extreme
167.8 this morning. Lost another pound overnight.
If my posts begin to take on an incoherent sound, it's because I'm a mess. Today is the beginning of day 5 of my Mostly-Water Fast. It's been about 90% water most days. All days have been 0 to 50 calories. Most days under 50. It is a Water Fast, I just am not very good at it. ;) Still, I'm getting close to having lost 10 lbs. I have about 3 lbs more to lose to get to that mark. I feel like shit, but I'm really excited.
If my posts begin to take on an incoherent sound, it's because I'm a mess. Today is the beginning of day 5 of my Mostly-Water Fast. It's been about 90% water most days. All days have been 0 to 50 calories. Most days under 50. It is a Water Fast, I just am not very good at it. ;) Still, I'm getting close to having lost 10 lbs. I have about 3 lbs more to lose to get to that mark. I feel like shit, but I'm really excited.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
BDay Prep: Fasting Day 4 Complete
Nausea nausea nausea...
I found a great fasting info site. Helped me know what was going on, why, and how to cope.
Took me till noon to get out of bed. The fasting site said nausea could be cleared away by drinking a cup of carrot juice. I didn't want all the calories, so I had about 1/3 of a cup. That's about 23 calories. Then I felt a bit better. I needed to drive somewhere today and in my current state, that was out of the question, so I tried a cup of chicken broth like they do at the skinny spas. It helped, but was still a bit dizzy for the road, so I had to cancel.
It was a long shitty day. But now between iTunes episodes of Lost, I slowly trudged to the bathroom trying to remember not to get up too fast so I don't black out. I weighed myself...
I'm about 3 lbs lighter than yesterday!?!? Holy crap!! My scale sucks, sometimes it won't tell you what you weigh unless you weigh considerably more or less than what you did before. Not very sensitive. That said, it also usually weighs heavy. I'm sooooooo gonna get a new scale now.
I think I'm getting better at the fast too. Water all day, no more caffeine, a couple sips of veggie juice or broth if I feel overly ill. I might add the carnitine back in tomorrow, but I wanted to get off everything extra after how awful yesterday left me. Yeee! I can't wait till tomorrow!
I'm not going to count these on my official weightloss progress until I'm stable and off the fast. I know some weight will come back. But I'm only almost half way to day 10! Imagine how much more I'll be losing!
I'd do a little victory dance and jump all over the house if I didn't feel so shitty. ;) I'll have to save the partying for when this is all over. FOR MY B-DAY! What a great prezzy. <3<3<3
I'm going to sleep happy tonight! :)
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :( (38 cal)
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength (4 cal), W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
I found a great fasting info site. Helped me know what was going on, why, and how to cope.
Took me till noon to get out of bed. The fasting site said nausea could be cleared away by drinking a cup of carrot juice. I didn't want all the calories, so I had about 1/3 of a cup. That's about 23 calories. Then I felt a bit better. I needed to drive somewhere today and in my current state, that was out of the question, so I tried a cup of chicken broth like they do at the skinny spas. It helped, but was still a bit dizzy for the road, so I had to cancel.
It was a long shitty day. But now between iTunes episodes of Lost, I slowly trudged to the bathroom trying to remember not to get up too fast so I don't black out. I weighed myself...
I'm about 3 lbs lighter than yesterday!?!? Holy crap!! My scale sucks, sometimes it won't tell you what you weigh unless you weigh considerably more or less than what you did before. Not very sensitive. That said, it also usually weighs heavy. I'm sooooooo gonna get a new scale now.
I think I'm getting better at the fast too. Water all day, no more caffeine, a couple sips of veggie juice or broth if I feel overly ill. I might add the carnitine back in tomorrow, but I wanted to get off everything extra after how awful yesterday left me. Yeee! I can't wait till tomorrow!
I'm not going to count these on my official weightloss progress until I'm stable and off the fast. I know some weight will come back. But I'm only almost half way to day 10! Imagine how much more I'll be losing!
I'd do a little victory dance and jump all over the house if I didn't feel so shitty. ;) I'll have to save the partying for when this is all over. FOR MY B-DAY! What a great prezzy. <3<3<3
I'm going to sleep happy tonight! :)
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :( (38 cal)
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength (4 cal), W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
The Hangover
After fitful sleep, I wake up hungover. Wait a minute. Was I drinking? No. If I was, I'd have killed the bottle of Hpnotiq in the kitchen first and it's still there. And there's no vodka in the house... Hmmm... Well something is happening here. I was warm and dizzyish all night. My heart rate is still slightly above normal, but I feel exhausted, weak, and a bit light-headed. Oh and the weirdest thing? I feel dehydrated! How is that possible? I'm on a water fast and I'm dying of thirst!
No energy drink in the water today. Nope. We'll see how much of these feelings are the fast, and how much was the drink mix.
I really wasn't hungry much yesterday. Many fasting symptoms are coming on schedule. My tongue is turning a bit white from the ketosis, my breath reeks (pilau!), my hunger is lessening, and I feel a bit surreal and very sensitive so sound, movement, and light. Not too many extreme detox symptoms though. At least not yet?
Red - A water fast definitely would have not been good for you right now. With finals and all that? I'm really glad you didn't do it. This is the kinda thing to do on a spring or winter break, or maybe in the summer IF you're not working. It really is harsh. I usually think people are whiney little bitches. So when the sites said how hard this is, I figured they were wusses. Now, I'd have to agree with them. It definitely is as bad as they said.
All that said, I'm keeping at it though. Only 1 more week to go! I think I can do it! Zzzzzzz -.-
No energy drink in the water today. Nope. We'll see how much of these feelings are the fast, and how much was the drink mix.
I really wasn't hungry much yesterday. Many fasting symptoms are coming on schedule. My tongue is turning a bit white from the ketosis, my breath reeks (pilau!), my hunger is lessening, and I feel a bit surreal and very sensitive so sound, movement, and light. Not too many extreme detox symptoms though. At least not yet?
Red - A water fast definitely would have not been good for you right now. With finals and all that? I'm really glad you didn't do it. This is the kinda thing to do on a spring or winter break, or maybe in the summer IF you're not working. It really is harsh. I usually think people are whiney little bitches. So when the sites said how hard this is, I figured they were wusses. Now, I'd have to agree with them. It definitely is as bad as they said.
All that said, I'm keeping at it though. Only 1 more week to go! I think I can do it! Zzzzzzz -.-
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
BDay Prep: Day 3 Complete
Today's strategy included:
There. Despite not eating at all, I should be a fat burning machine. Don't take my word for it though. I have no idea what this is actually doing or if it will work. It could be a really bad idea. I do my research, but I'm impulsive... that means I usually do something stupid, THEN do great research on it. :) Eventually I really know what I'm talking about, but I seem to be addicted to learning things the hard way. So nothing I'm doing on this fast or posting on this blog is advice.
(If you want ADVICE go to Pro-Ana Optimal where I share the best of this hard earned knowledge.)
Back to what I actually am doing, rather than what I should be doing... I poured the 5 hour energy (4 calories) into my 1 liter water bottle to dilute it. I'm using it for the vitamins, not caffeine buzz, so the dilution works nicely. If I had liquid L-Carnitine, I'd pour that in too, but I don't yet. I ordered it on Amazon, and it's coming soon. I could try crushing the tablets, but right now I'm content swallowing or chewing 2 in the morning and 2 at noon.
The morning went really well on my concoction, though I think I drank it too fast. Really it should be a couple gulps at a time, and then like a cup of plain water at a time in between throughout the day. I drank mine in bursts and then got a bit shaky on and off. Definitely took the edge off my day though.
I didn't cheat and eat anything. No freakouts! Yay!
I finished off my drink mix by about 5:30 pm and soon felt really warm, higher heart rate (not dangerous, but not normal), and dizzy spells. Anyone have any experience with caffeine while not eating for days?
I think I'll cut the dose in half tomorrow and see how I do. Other than the weirdness at the end of the day, today was great! No headaches either. Oh! I almost forgot the best part and why I'm sooooooooo continuing on this fast:
I FIT INTO SHORTS I HAVEN'T FIT IN FOR 2 YEARS!!! YAY!!!! XD XD XD
Soooooo happy! I tried them on just for shitz and gigglez and found complete joy! Yay, for cal restriction, yay for fasting!
Oh, and I've been keeping my husband, and sisters up on my activities just in case something goes badly or overboard... they know about pro-ana, my calorie counts, fasting and weight goals. They are all being completely supportive. :) Well, Mei (my youngest sister) is completely supportive. Kit, on the other hand is skeptical, a bit pessimistic, and somewhat chastising... yet sorta tolerant. She's the one who gives me desserts and yummy drinks either to be nice, kill me, or both. They don't know about the blogs though. Ok, one might but we never had that conversation. /wink wink
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :(, 38 cal
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength W 171.2
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
 | |  |
(If you want ADVICE go to Pro-Ana Optimal where I share the best of this hard earned knowledge.)
Back to what I actually am doing, rather than what I should be doing... I poured the 5 hour energy (4 calories) into my 1 liter water bottle to dilute it. I'm using it for the vitamins, not caffeine buzz, so the dilution works nicely. If I had liquid L-Carnitine, I'd pour that in too, but I don't yet. I ordered it on Amazon, and it's coming soon. I could try crushing the tablets, but right now I'm content swallowing or chewing 2 in the morning and 2 at noon.
The morning went really well on my concoction, though I think I drank it too fast. Really it should be a couple gulps at a time, and then like a cup of plain water at a time in between throughout the day. I drank mine in bursts and then got a bit shaky on and off. Definitely took the edge off my day though.
I didn't cheat and eat anything. No freakouts! Yay!
I finished off my drink mix by about 5:30 pm and soon felt really warm, higher heart rate (not dangerous, but not normal), and dizzy spells. Anyone have any experience with caffeine while not eating for days?
I think I'll cut the dose in half tomorrow and see how I do. Other than the weirdness at the end of the day, today was great! No headaches either. Oh! I almost forgot the best part and why I'm sooooooooo continuing on this fast:
I FIT INTO SHORTS I HAVEN'T FIT IN FOR 2 YEARS!!! YAY!!!! XD XD XD
Soooooo happy! I tried them on just for shitz and gigglez and found complete joy! Yay, for cal restriction, yay for fasting!
Oh, and I've been keeping my husband, and sisters up on my activities just in case something goes badly or overboard... they know about pro-ana, my calorie counts, fasting and weight goals. They are all being completely supportive. :) Well, Mei (my youngest sister) is completely supportive. Kit, on the other hand is skeptical, a bit pessimistic, and somewhat chastising... yet sorta tolerant. She's the one who gives me desserts and yummy drinks either to be nice, kill me, or both. They don't know about the blogs though. Ok, one might but we never had that conversation. /wink wink
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :(, 38 cal
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength W 171.2
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
Ode to my Bathroom Scale
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Bathroom Scale,
We've been together a long time, both bad and good. I know we've both said things we didn't mean... especially me. I'm sorry. What I mean to say is that I really need you to be honest with me right now. I'm in a bit of a fragile state, and if I thought you were lying to me like I'm pretty sure you did yesterday... well, I think I might throw you out a window! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Really. I just need you to be honest. I need to know what is really happening here. If you don't tell me, I'll stay lost and confused. And if you don't tell me, I'll smash you to tiny bits with a fucking hammer! The sharp end! Oops... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Really. I just... well, you know.
So please give it to me straight. It's day 3 of my fast. I haven't fucked up TOO much. What do I weigh?
Love and some very mixed feelings as usual,
Ana Banana
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ana Banana,
171.2
Love,
Scale
P.S. Please don't smash me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just interrupted by a screaming yell coming from the kids bedroom. Its 6:30 a.m., mind you. I go to see what the hell is going on and I find my oldest kid's hand clapped over the mouth of my middle kid who is wrapped in a bathrobe, wearing a helmet, and is stuck in their detached bunk bed ladder. /sigh Is this the kind of day it's going to be? Hilarious and completely frustrating? Sounds like my life. ;) I swear it's true.
Anyway.... cx.uha;dlfngvicklxkcxklcxl.l;cvx;lcv;cv' ... there.
171.2!! Yay!!! I know that is mostly "water weight" but yay!!! I don't care. The scale is diving and that is what I wanted. That is what I so desperately needed to hear. After today, I'll only have a week more to go in my water fast that I will try very hard not to fuck in the ear again like yesterday.
Gonna keep on the L-Carnitine since its 0 cal and really good. Might also add a 4 cal caffeinated vitamin drink... If I do, I'll add it to my water bottle and drink diluted all day. Its an experiment and probably a bad idea, but I want to see what happens. It is loaded with vitamins needed for fat burning. Maybe this won't be the most cleansing fast, but I'd rather optimize it for weightloss if I can without getting too sick.
Wish me luck!! XOXOX <3
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Bathroom Scale,
We've been together a long time, both bad and good. I know we've both said things we didn't mean... especially me. I'm sorry. What I mean to say is that I really need you to be honest with me right now. I'm in a bit of a fragile state, and if I thought you were lying to me like I'm pretty sure you did yesterday... well, I think I might throw you out a window! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Really. I just need you to be honest. I need to know what is really happening here. If you don't tell me, I'll stay lost and confused. And if you don't tell me, I'll smash you to tiny bits with a fucking hammer! The sharp end! Oops... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Really. I just... well, you know.
So please give it to me straight. It's day 3 of my fast. I haven't fucked up TOO much. What do I weigh?
Love and some very mixed feelings as usual,
Ana Banana
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ana Banana,
171.2
Love,
Scale
P.S. Please don't smash me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just interrupted by a screaming yell coming from the kids bedroom. Its 6:30 a.m., mind you. I go to see what the hell is going on and I find my oldest kid's hand clapped over the mouth of my middle kid who is wrapped in a bathrobe, wearing a helmet, and is stuck in their detached bunk bed ladder. /sigh Is this the kind of day it's going to be? Hilarious and completely frustrating? Sounds like my life. ;) I swear it's true.
Anyway.... cx.uha;dlfngvicklxkcxklcxl.l;cvx;lcv;cv' ... there.
171.2!! Yay!!! I know that is mostly "water weight" but yay!!! I don't care. The scale is diving and that is what I wanted. That is what I so desperately needed to hear. After today, I'll only have a week more to go in my water fast that I will try very hard not to fuck in the ear again like yesterday.
Gonna keep on the L-Carnitine since its 0 cal and really good. Might also add a 4 cal caffeinated vitamin drink... If I do, I'll add it to my water bottle and drink diluted all day. Its an experiment and probably a bad idea, but I want to see what happens. It is loaded with vitamins needed for fat burning. Maybe this won't be the most cleansing fast, but I'd rather optimize it for weightloss if I can without getting too sick.
Wish me luck!! XOXOX <3
Monday, May 3, 2010
BDay Prep: Day 2 Complete
I don't know if 38 calories is enough to break a fast. Probably not according to skinny spa standards, but FUCK! As you'll see below, I deliberately had a cup of broth, and kinda accidentally freaked out and ate 2 raviolis. shit shit shit.
38 cals? And I feel ok now. Actually, I've had a headache most of today. It's a bit better now. But after 38 cals, I'm not hungry! Do you know what that means?! It means I could have stuck it out. It means I was weak minded and folded. How lame is that? Grrr.... I think I'm still on the fast but I've definitely stunk it up. I'll do better tomorrow.
Anyway, yeah, headache, hungry, and moody as hell. I've been extra nice to the kids to compensate for how mean my mood makes me feel like being. Got a bit of exercise today. Just a short swim. I don't feel fatigued, but I hate headaches. I guess this isn't supposed to feel good. Everyone says hell, and I'm probably only half way there. Poop.
In more helpful news: I also started taking L-Carnitine (0 calories) today to help me break down fats. Very useful little supplement.
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :(, 38 cal
Day 3 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
38 cals? And I feel ok now. Actually, I've had a headache most of today. It's a bit better now. But after 38 cals, I'm not hungry! Do you know what that means?! It means I could have stuck it out. It means I was weak minded and folded. How lame is that? Grrr.... I think I'm still on the fast but I've definitely stunk it up. I'll do better tomorrow.
Anyway, yeah, headache, hungry, and moody as hell. I've been extra nice to the kids to compensate for how mean my mood makes me feel like being. Got a bit of exercise today. Just a short swim. I don't feel fatigued, but I hate headaches. I guess this isn't supposed to feel good. Everyone says hell, and I'm probably only half way there. Poop.
In more helpful news: I also started taking L-Carnitine (0 calories) today to help me break down fats. Very useful little supplement.
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :(, 38 cal
Day 3 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
Sunday, May 2, 2010
BDay Prep: Day 1 Complete
Calories: 0
You know, I feel fine. Its all good. What is driving me crazy already though and will continue to is cooking! I have to feed my 3, yes THREE kids all day. :(
Avocado, Veggie Burgers, Pizza, Carrots, Sandwiches... /cry
I roasted cornish game hens for dinner for fuck's sake.
Seasonings... condiments... AAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
This isn't going to be easy. I want that fucking day 10 so bad though. Day 10. That's all I care about right now. If it isn't Day 10, fuck me blue, I don't want to hear it from myself. Not a word. After Day 10, we can talk.
Anyway, I feel great. I wasn't even barely hungry today. I confess, yesterday was about a 1200 cal day. (Thanks Red for your post involving being honest. I agree completely, if we can't be honest here, then fuck!) Other than that, I had such a great week! It was excellent prep for the fast too. Hunger is not my enemy yet.
The Yogi's of India suggest focusing on your hunger and then turning the feeling inward. As if folding the sensation deeper into yourself rather than trying to ignore it. When I began fasting years ago, I'd do one week long juice fast per month and a single day water fast once a week. I loved it and felt so amazingly good. Lost lbs too... My co-workers were impressed and wondering where my body was vanishing to. I lost about 8 lbs per month. Then I got pregnant with my first child. The point is, the technique of turning my hunger inward worked really well for me. Maybe some of you can try it. :) Let me know if it helps! <3
You know, I feel fine. Its all good. What is driving me crazy already though and will continue to is cooking! I have to feed my 3, yes THREE kids all day. :(
Avocado, Veggie Burgers, Pizza, Carrots, Sandwiches... /cry
I roasted cornish game hens for dinner for fuck's sake.
Seasonings... condiments... AAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
This isn't going to be easy. I want that fucking day 10 so bad though. Day 10. That's all I care about right now. If it isn't Day 10, fuck me blue, I don't want to hear it from myself. Not a word. After Day 10, we can talk.
Anyway, I feel great. I wasn't even barely hungry today. I confess, yesterday was about a 1200 cal day. (Thanks Red for your post involving being honest. I agree completely, if we can't be honest here, then fuck!) Other than that, I had such a great week! It was excellent prep for the fast too. Hunger is not my enemy yet.
The Yogi's of India suggest focusing on your hunger and then turning the feeling inward. As if folding the sensation deeper into yourself rather than trying to ignore it. When I began fasting years ago, I'd do one week long juice fast per month and a single day water fast once a week. I loved it and felt so amazingly good. Lost lbs too... My co-workers were impressed and wondering where my body was vanishing to. I lost about 8 lbs per month. Then I got pregnant with my first child. The point is, the technique of turning my hunger inward worked really well for me. Maybe some of you can try it. :) Let me know if it helps! <3
BDay Prep: Starting My Water Fast Today
Ok guys. The big ugly water fast. I'm actually not entirely sure how long I'll fast for. I will do at least 7 days. I've done that much on the Master Cleanse before. I've only done water fasts for a day or two at a time. I'm not completely sure what I'm in for. I've read tons about water fasting now and it seems that results and difficulty vary based on how toxic, fit, or fat a person is.
Since I don't want my ass as big as their nachos, I'm doing it.
Considering that I'm fairly fat (about 30 lbs overweight by ANY standard), and fat stores toxins it should be a huge challenge. Even though I have a very clean diet and lifestyle (organics, raw foods, etc.), I am storing fat from a time when my diet was dirty as fuck. I'm kind of looking forward to paying for my sins, in a manner of speaking, and getting some of this out of the way. It will also shrink my stomach capacity... which is nice because I have been known to be a chronic over-eater.
So here goes. :) Looks like Red is fasting this week too. Yay!
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [ ] - water only SW 175.2
Day 2 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 3 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
Note: I'll be lucky to actually do 1/4 of this. We'll see if I can give myself the bday present I'd like.
Since I don't want my ass as big as their nachos, I'm doing it.
Considering that I'm fairly fat (about 30 lbs overweight by ANY standard), and fat stores toxins it should be a huge challenge. Even though I have a very clean diet and lifestyle (organics, raw foods, etc.), I am storing fat from a time when my diet was dirty as fuck. I'm kind of looking forward to paying for my sins, in a manner of speaking, and getting some of this out of the way. It will also shrink my stomach capacity... which is nice because I have been known to be a chronic over-eater.
So here goes. :) Looks like Red is fasting this week too. Yay!
B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [ ] - water only SW 175.2
Day 2 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 3 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 4 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD
Note: I'll be lucky to actually do 1/4 of this. We'll see if I can give myself the bday present I'd like.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Weekday Calorie Review - Updated with some menus...
Updated....
Monday - 536
Breakfast: Advantage Chocolate Shake 170
Lunch: Half Small Cobb Salad, Half small tuna sandwich 253
Dinner: A cup of Japanese Soba noodles 113
Tuesday - 670
Breakfast: none
Lunch: leftovers of my kids awful McDonalds lunch 586 fml
Dinner: 1/3 of a small avocado, 1/4 of a tomato 84 cal redemption
Note: That was the first time I've had McDonalds in years. It was an error of convenience.
Wednesday - 862
Breakfast: Atkins Advantage Chocolate Shake 170
Lunch: Skipped.
Dinner: Home made vegetarian nachos 692
(not the best but I was really needing something hardy that day.)
Thursday - 924
Breakfast: Homemade bean broth with chicken soup, an avocado, and a
medium baked potato plain 668
Lunch: A large egg over easy 130
Dinner: A medium green salad with light olive oil vinegarette 126
Friday - 678 (a VERY good day)
Breakfast: A papaya, 4 macadamia nuts, and a bit of water blended into a smoothie 125
Lunch: Small green salad with heart of palm, lemon juice and salt, no dressing 78
Dinner: Small green salad with marinated artichoke hearts and blue cheese dressing,
and a 1 cup side of rice. 475
Not bad. 3 of 5 days under my 680 calorie limit. 2 high performance physical days under 1000 calories. I think I can do better, but this was a busy and turbulent week.
Monday - 536
Breakfast: Advantage Chocolate Shake 170
Lunch: Half Small Cobb Salad, Half small tuna sandwich 253
Dinner: A cup of Japanese Soba noodles 113
Tuesday - 670
Breakfast: none
Lunch: leftovers of my kids awful McDonalds lunch 586 fml
Dinner: 1/3 of a small avocado, 1/4 of a tomato 84 cal redemption
Note: That was the first time I've had McDonalds in years. It was an error of convenience.
Wednesday - 862
Breakfast: Atkins Advantage Chocolate Shake 170
Lunch: Skipped.
Dinner: Home made vegetarian nachos 692
(not the best but I was really needing something hardy that day.)
Thursday - 924
Breakfast: Homemade bean broth with chicken soup, an avocado, and a
medium baked potato plain 668
Lunch: A large egg over easy 130
Dinner: A medium green salad with light olive oil vinegarette 126
Friday - 678 (a VERY good day)
Breakfast: A papaya, 4 macadamia nuts, and a bit of water blended into a smoothie 125
Lunch: Small green salad with heart of palm, lemon juice and salt, no dressing 78
Dinner: Small green salad with marinated artichoke hearts and blue cheese dressing,
and a 1 cup side of rice. 475
Not bad. 3 of 5 days under my 680 calorie limit. 2 high performance physical days under 1000 calories. I think I can do better, but this was a busy and turbulent week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)