Why don't my outsides match my insides? Why is my body not the image of me that I have in my head?
Then I wonder why people don't treat me how I would. I wonder why people don't treat me as well as they should.
Its because they've never seen inside me. No one ever sees inside any of us. They see what is on the outside. They see our body language, our expressions... the things we show them PHYSICALLY!
If I don't look like the person I am inside, people are not going to see it physically. I remember what it looked like. I remember reading their faces, bodies and manners when I was thin. I remember what it looked like. I feel like fucking crying right now, I swear to god. I want that back! I remember what love looked like. Lust. Getting checked out is one thing, but I've been cherished... and I'm not. Appreciated, yes, cherished, no. I'm no longer a show-stopper.
Inside me I'm a bad-ass. I'm smart, funny, caring, loving, well-read, creative, witty, and fan-awesome-goddamn-tastic! And I look like shit... so it doesn't matter.
That leaves me to be the only one who loves me in a very pure and complete way. I'm too fucking fat for anyone else to meet me at 100%.
I don't know if I'm ranting and making no sense at all but I'm really fucking upset right now. I have the evening to myself. Nothing happened. Just when I have time to myself I have time to think. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm going out. Fuck all this shit. And I've plateaued. I'm going out to break that fucking plateau.
Going to up my workout schedule... not that I've had much of one.
I'm also cutting the fucking carbs back out. I've fallen into that trap I've warned so many of you loved ones about. Don't add crap calories from foods that are bad for you. But I've done it lately. Fucking hypocritical trap. I mean, if I've only had 350 cals, I can have a cookie and still be under 500 cals right? Fuck that fucking plateau creating shit! No goddamn carbs unless they're from raw, whole foods.
God even I hate myself right now. Hate. I loathe my failures in will power. And I absolutely despise what I've let myself become and the fact that I did let it happen. I let it all go. I had it and lost it. Why? Fat-ass fucking complacency. I was happy. I was naive. I deserved a fucking smack across the mouth.
Ok. I'm out. I'm sorry to vent like this, but if I can't say it here.... I don't know. I need to say it somewhere.
I love you all though. I hope you are doing better than me right now. Stay strong and keep loving yourself. You deserve to be as amazing as you can imagine yourself.
<3
Well in that last photo you had up, you were already looking better than the first. Keep trekking.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean I hate that people think you are less than them just because all they see is a fat stupid person. Keep strong your doing an amazing job just keep your end goal in mind, your nearly there.
ReplyDeleteugh...I feel the same way sometimes, that I have to look a certain way in order to make my insides and outside align. I still don't even know if that's a realistic expectation, but I'm going for it anyway. In the meantime, I act and treat others as if I were already there...fake it til you make it is the name of the game. I hope you'll pour the energy of your frustration into the activity that keeps your skinny train in motion. :)
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