Meeting Mia and My Evil Ed

Mia is the dominatrix of the calorie deprivation world. Sometimes I wish I knew her better. She's like the sea witch from the little mermaid. She'll hook you up with your guy... all she wants in return is your voice. I understand Mia shows you the golden door. She gives you one last way out... out of your fuck up, out of the binge, out of the calories. I'm sure everyone swears like I would now that I'd only do it once in a great while and not let it get out of control. But anyone obsessed as me would impishly come back to Mia a lot more often... begging for forgiveness, begging for the drug only she can give you.

:(

Ana requires so much accountability. Ana requires a very deep love. Ana is unforgiving. And I do love her. I will keep trying. And even if I did manage to befriend Mia, or make her a distant acquaintance, I would of course never leave Ana's side. I'm a loyal sort.

I really need the protection from Ed though. Ed Nos is the asshole. He thinks he owns me and I swear he wants me dead.

Ana has helped make me stronger. Ed isn't hurting me as much or often these days. I don't eat until I hurt every time. To me, that's what "full" means. It means bloated pain... every time. I have no other definition of full. No other sense or feeling that bails me out before I hurt myself. Not since before I can remember. Probably not since I was 7 when I began eating until I couldn't because my tummy was so distended, wait a half hour and then go do it again... I was the stick thin waif with stomach swollen at meal time until about 16 when my metabolism slowed, and the rest of my body began to bloat with that tummy. That was the pattern. Two huge dinners back to back. Ed is so mean. I won't do it anymore. I hate him.

I love Ana so much. I haven't done any of that since I've been with her. Even if I do binge it's nothing like even a single "dinner" was with Ed. I regret callously calling Ana a mercinary for my cause of losing weight. That isn't true. It is becoming clear she is my way of life. She has to be. Unlike most, I don't think this is a bad thing. She won't kill me. Ed might. Mia is dangerous too. Mia promises so much... its so seductive... but I understand she could be as evil as Ed in another way. She's like the Mafia. She'll offer you protection for a price and soon she owns you.

I don't want to be owned. I just want to be thin... still... I think I've made eye contact with Mia a few times. It's not too late to just walk on by, but...... I just don't know......