Today's Cal Confession

I was trying to day fast like yesterday. Today it didn't work. I think PMS is setting in.

Breakfast was a japanese broth soup. 50 cals

By lunch, I was soooo hungry. More than when water fasting. I cracked around 2 pm and ate some. Lunch was fresh fruit (apricot and tangerine) and a raw ear of corn in keeping with the raw eating. And was so starved still that I added a veggie patty. It helped a lot. 274 cals.

Dinner found me hungry too. I had artichoke hearts, white rice, and a bunch of sauteed mushrooms (since mushrooms have nearly nothing in them). Came to 295 cals.

Between the two little meals I had snacked on some olives. 46 cals.

This brought me to a 665 calorie day... which is pretty damn good, but I'm not happy with it. At first I was proud of myself for being under 1000 calories. Now that looks like fat ass city to me. Then I set my limit at 800-something or less, pretty reasonable. But now THAT seems like a ton to me. And today's 665 would have set me off bragging weeks ago, but now I'm completely disgusted with it.

I want 300 calorie days! That would make me happy. Or zero. If one is the loneliest number, zero is the happiest. You know why? Because it literally has NOTHING to worry about. That's what I want. A nice round zero.

I see it.

I see that I'm becoming unreasonable. But it happened so slowly in Ana B. years. They're a bit like dog years. How you'll be gone for a few hours and when you get back your dog acts like it's been days and he might have thought you were dead. My hours are like days too. And in those "days" I change so much. People must think I'm crazy.

Mei offered me popcorn the other night. I said, "Ugh, it has too many calories!" She turned her bikini model thin body to face me and looked confused.
"It doesn't have too many," she said. "It hardly has anything in it. Its one of the most nothing snacks!"
"If you're aiming for a 600 calorie day, EVERYTHING has too many calories," I told her.
Then she set to melting butter and dripping it all over the popcorn she'd made for us and the kids.

Now I have to dread movie nights too.

So yeah... I'm not happy about today. Maybe I am quickly turning into my own obsessive monster. But then that's why I'm here right?

I poke and prod myself...

Over and over and over, I pull myself apart. It's my way. So I can see this obsession happening. I can see the truth rolling in like the fog of war. I refuse to judge though. I don't judge any of you, and I will not start judging myself. This is what I wanted. And if 600 calories sounds like a fat ass binge to me, well fuck... it is what it is, and I am where I am. I will follow the rabbit hole to Wonderland no matter how bizarre things get.

You know... it feels nice though. It feels normal. The nagging psychology hobbyist in the back of my brain is diagnosing feverishly... even as I type this. Especially as I type it. So I know. I know it all and I don't care.

Yeah... its kinda like that. You know life is getting interesting when the extreme is just another part of a normal day. We'll see where I land when it all comes down.

Oh, and I joined more blogs this week. I love supporting my pro-ana sisters! We're Team Skinny! :) I set some stuff up on twitter so some of us can talk privately to each other. Let me know if you're into it. I'll post about it again and also send some invites. xoxo