Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting

I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.

I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.

I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.

I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.

Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.

I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.

So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.

That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.

I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!

Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.

Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.

Nothing tastes this good:

xox <3
-=Elle