I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.
I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.
Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.
I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.
Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.
I think you'd be surprised what you could do in therapy. People think the therapist does the work, but the truth is that the therapist is there to challenge you, throw you off kilter so that you can shake loose the things you've gotten stuck in the back corners of your mind. (If you're smart,)You don't go to therapy to be *told* things. You go to be supported and assisted as you break down the barriers that separate you from your own truths.
ReplyDeleteAs far as first love goes, you're super right about the disarmed quality that falling in love when you're young has.
I met him when we were 14, was in love with him by 16 and went through all kinds of shit with him until we were 25. We grew and changed, but the trust we had, the openness, is so unique to being in a half-formed state. That person melds into your psyche as it's being solidified.
I'm glad we're not together anymore, but it's definitely different falling in love now.
And who needs rescuing? I say no thanks to that fairytale imagery. I'm a big girl, I know I'm my own knight in shining armor. I just want someone who's honest, sweet and willing to pull his own weight in the yoke, so to speak.
;p