I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.

I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.

Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.

But...

BUT...

This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.

Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.

As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.

I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.

The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.

Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.

Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.

Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.

Let's do this! Skinny here we come!