I wasn't going to make this a full post, but it was too long to put in the comments. Boo. :P
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.
Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.
First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.
I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.
If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.
Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.
I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.
That's actually really interesting, the lack of feeling physically satiated reminds me of a physical/physiological phenomenon in which the stomach is located lower in the body than usual, which allows it to stretch beyond the average capacity without triggering discomfort or setting off signals in the brain that correspond with fullness. I know a couple of japanese competitive eaters have this condition, which is why they're world ranked champions in eating. They literally have more room in which to house their intake.
ReplyDeleteNot to imply that you have this condition, but I think it's interesting how something like lack of physical signs of either fullness or of appetite can change the course of your whole life.
I think what I was trying to get at in my comment is something close to the buddhist notion of the 'middle way,' meaning anything extreme is automatically unhealthy due to the overemphasis on one pole over the other and that health lies inbetween.
Objectively keeping that in mind can help prevent swinging so far to either the left or the right that you lose your centeredness and spin wildly out into the dark, so to speak.
I hope you're able to find your center and nurture it until you reach a place where you can see yourself clearly, with the love, respect and admiration you deserve.