The Journal's New Clothes

I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.

It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.

I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...

Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.

I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)

Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3

Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox