Flashback

I was just looking back at the first month of this blog. Wow I posted a lot. It was a dark and shady time but at least my path was clear... and my hormonal issues were milder. I'm not sure I can do all this anymore.

I obsess because it is the only way I know how to focus and be effective. But when I obsess I neglect other important parts of my life. Obsessing about starving myself isn't healthy. I know that, and you know that. We're not here to be healthy though. We're here to be skinny. Even the best of us prioritize skinny first, and healthy second... if at all.

/sigh

I told my sister Mei about the purge. I really didn't want to, but I refuse to start keeping secrets. Secrets, shame, and bottling things up in dark places are where the real problems begin. I don't need any more problems. In the event I might stop being honest with myself, I need some people I can trust to be honest with, because I know they'll be honest with me. The purge on Sunday was unfortunate, it was an experiment, it worked but it was awful, and I do not want it to become a gateway to something terrible. I know it could be. The sanest part of my brain says that experimentation is fine. It is good to know how to do things in case you need to, even vomitting. It is good to know where the bleeding edge of things is. Know your limits. But that doesn't mean you should live there.

This seems to be an evolution of my outlook in general. I wanted to transform my eating disorder or trade it for a new one. I didn't want to compound it. I've found myself on a slippery fucking slope. I don't have a problem with this yet, but I could see it heading that way. I need to figure out where I am and stay ahead of all this so I can be beautiful. Illness does not make you pretty, it makes you sick. I don't want to be sick and skinny, I want to be lean, elegant and glowing. Sexy as hell bitches!

I need to pull up. I don't want to crash.

I need to do an overhaul here. I felt so safe here in pro-ana land and now I feel lost in it too. I am still grateful to all of you... all the readers... all the bloggers. I love you all and feel closer to you than ever. I'm just not sure about the labels. I don't know if I'm pro-anything... I'm just me.

I think I'm going to update this blog, minus the Ana, and then go play some Sims 3 or watch anime until my husband comes home. :/

I just feel so lost at sea...