Monthly Measurement Check-In

MEASUREMENTS:

Weight:	161.00	Waist:	37.30	Body Fat %:	27.79
BMI:	23.10
Neck:	13.00	Upper L. Arm:	12.25	Left Thigh:	22.75
Chest:	39.75	Upper R. Arm:	12.00	Right Thigh:	22.80
Mid-Section:	32.00	L. Forearm:	10.00	Left Calf:	13.50
Hips:	38.25	R. Forearm:	10.00	Right Calf:	13.50

Notes:
161.0 I'm really excited about the .0 because to me that means just a couple ounces away from 160.... which is just a lb away from the 150's. OmG!!!Z!!~!

Oh and I've been looking at my expired drivers licenses for weight info. How long have I been this fat anyway??

In 1995 I was 154.
In my adult life in 1996 I was 128.
In 1997 I was 135. -_-
And by about 1999 I was 145. Ugh.
I know that by 2001 I was about 160.
And from 2002 on I'd been above 170 until this year... 2010.

Such fast gain! I was averaging about 10 lbs per year! eew!! Funny since my whole life I've looked at overweight people thinking "didn't they notice?" "It doesn't happen overnight..." Well, it's not all that easy is it? Suck it Elle. So yes, I'm sorry... for being harsh to others and being a fat ass to myself.

Bottom line is, NEVER AGAIN.

So far this year I've unwound my weight clock back to 2001. :) That makes me happy. Can't wait till I get back into the 90's. hehe

<3

Losing Fast! New 10 Year Low!

Ok, I was freaked out about the healthy thing, but yesterday I was down a lb. to 162.6 (had been up one even during fasting).

This morning I'm 161.0!!

Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!

I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.

So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.

I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.

Like yesterday's calories...

NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]

NUTRITION TOTALS:

Total Cal.:	900.55	Total Fat:	57.00	Total Cholesterol.:	1298.13
Total Sodium:	1565.55	Total Carbs:	54.00	Total Fiber:	16.73
Total Sugar:	8.64	Total Protein:	104.73	Total Water:	3.05
Total Points:	0.00

Weeee!

Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.

Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.

To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)

I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.

<3<3

Breakfast - 222 cals

Omlette

1 cherry tomato
5 pieces of marinated artichoke heart, drained
1 whole egg
2 egg whites

I guess I feel comfortably full. I don't feel bloated or gross. Not like at dinner last night. Dats guud.

Note: 13 days binge free!



Comments

Anonymous - I suck at moderation too. I do extremes. Stuff myself beyond all reason, or starve. I seem to be able to handle that. This path scares me. Each guideline looks to me like yet another way to fuck up. But it also puts me on the spot to practice what I preach. I started pro-ana optimal a long time ago. It's almost the same thing. Healthy calorie restriction, high nutrition, beauty from the inside out, skinny and gorgeous rather than skinny and sickly... the Christy Turlington route. /sigh So easy to say, but I've never yet managed to do it. Probably why I feel the need to stay so close to this blog right now. It's helped me so much. And so anyone reading can be a fly on the wall and see if it actually works... knowing how all over the place I've been.

Still Here With Bells On And A New Plan

Can't help coming here. I've kept journals since I was a little girl and this is my most active journal and pretty much my home since April. It's mine, and I see no reason not to continue working things out, thinking and talking on here.

Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.

Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.


Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan

No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.

Diet

• 60% vegetables (as often as desired, no roots)
  
• 30% meat (preferably fish and skinless chicken)
• 10% fruit (specifically banana 30 min before cardio workouts)
• No dairy for now, and no grains.
• No preservatives.
  
• No supplements.
  

Water

• 2 glasses of water before each meal, paced if necessary
• water with workouts
• stay well hydrated

Workouts

• An hour of Yoga (he recommended the one from P90x)
• 20 minutes of intense cardio
• 20 minutes of weight lifting to muscle failure

Sleep

• 10 pm bed time
• stay well rested for muscle regeneration and efficient calorie burn

That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.

I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.

I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.

I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.

I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3

My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.

Gone Fishing...

You guys were right. My husband really didn't know what he was saying. We had a few talks about it, some fights about it. I broke down and explained some of it. Hopes, fears, and laid out pretty much everything I'm into and dealing with about my weight, being skinny, having purged, fasting, what I do and where I'm headed.

The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.

I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.

I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.

Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.

I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.

My Husband Is So Insensitive! Cruel even!

He wants a perfect wife. A trophy. 5 months ago he told me I am not his wife. I guess because I'm not the "me" that he wants. He complained that he has a fat wife. That shocked me into Ana. I would starve for him. He deserved the best right? I love him, I should at least give him that much. And if he doesn't appreciate me then, he doesn't deserve me. But maybe at this weight I deserve the truth. I'm fat.

I lost 20 lbs pretty much right away. Then I plateaued and slacked off. He was happier, so I was happier. But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near my best yet. So lately I've recommitted. I've been cutting cals aggressively, and now I'm fasting.

I've only eaten one meal and one snack in the last 5 days. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm a bit grumpy. Yes, my kitchen got messy. He doesn't know how dizzy I've been today. He has no idea. And I've slipped a bit at home, but I'm functional. I've taken the kids all over all week. I've cleaned the house, reorganized our room, kept things clean. I haven't complained.

Tonight he asked about dinner and I asked him to make it since I'm fasting today, am totally starving, and have been dizzy all day (on my feet in 100 degrees out with my daughter and some friends most of the day).

He says thanks alot. He goes in the kitchen and then calls me. It's messy. This is ridiculous.

I come to help him out. Straighten out some dishes, clear the counters.

He gets upset there's stuff cluttering the bar.

I tell him I am not doing that now. There is too much stuff, yes it's mine, but I will take care of that later.

He puts me on the spot about it because I'm fasting. I shouldn't be if I can't keep up.

I tell remind him he wanted me to lose weight. I'm working hard on it, but it's hard.

He says you're doing it wrong. You should do it my way.

I say that my way I could lose 20 lbs in a month. (Not that I should, just that I could.)

He presses. Oh yeah? Give me a date. Tell me when you'll be done. 20 lbs in a month? Let's write that down!

I say no! I have no intention of losing that much that fast. I said I'd cap my months at 15 lbs just so I don't get sick or something.

He presses me again. How much?? How soon??? What can you do? I'm sick of your bullshit. Tell me now and I'll write it down.

I said I don't know, I was planning to do what I'm doing. Find out what my limits are so I can fast then only eat as much as necessary and fast again but remain functional. I tell him I'd planned on losing 10 to 15 lbs a month.

So he writes on MY whiteboard that I jot my goals on by the refrigerator. He writes October 26 - 153 lbs and circles it huge and dark, messing up my notes around it.

I swear I almost had a panic attack. I can't help crying thinking about it now. That's such a cruel thing to do! Tell me I'm wrong! It's bad enough I am pushing myself so hard, but having him push a weight loss date on me too?? I can't take it!!

I freaked out. We got in a huge fight. Then he basically told me to go to my room. We fought about it some more. I told him I understand he's annoyed I've fallen behind and he wants to know how long he has to put up with it. He yells at me some more about all of it.

I tell him fine! I can starve completely! Take that shit off my board, I'll just stop eating for a month. I don't need to eat anything! You want me to fucking hunger strike all the way immediately?? I don't have to pace it for health reasons, lets fucking go for broke so you can be happy sooner!

He said fine and asked me if I would leave now. Back to my room. I didn't go. So he started putting his shoes on to leave. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Not tonight.

I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to explain to him what he was saying was doing to me. He had no clue how mean and awful what he said was for me and he didn't care. I cried on the bed and said I'd stay in the room. Then I realized all this started when I wouldn't make dinner and do the dishes. So I got up and told him he could get out of the kitchen. I'd handle it. Dizzy and all.

I made dinner.

I cleaned the kitchen.

I didn't eat a bite and I hadn't used a dish I washed.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm so tired. I can't tell now if I'm crying because of that or because it really was as bad as it all feels.

I felt like telling him about my purge a couple weeks ago. I felt like telling him to hurt him. Fuck I felt like throwing up too. Nothing in my stomach to throw up anyway though. I'm so stressed out. I feel like shit. What does he want from me? There are a lot of other things I do in my life I don't talk about here for anonymity's sake. Let's just say that in addition to being a stay-home mom with a toddler, I work full time from home, and take care of the house, kids, and everything, and am trying to lose all this weight... so much more. I don't even feel like typing it because I hate complaining. I love my life. It just hard. And this is hard. It's hardest knowing I never live up to his standards. Lately I'm doing things my way and it works so much better. It's hard, but it works!

I don't know what else to say. I feel lost right now. I hate him for picking that fight with me. And I hate myself for not just getting up immediately and making dinner and cleaning. BUT I know it was not ridiculous for me to ask him to do it. It's the weekend. If he was at work all day, I wouldn't have done that, but he's been laying around watching movies all day and eating while I've been on my FEET ALL DAY AND STARVING FOR HIM!!

/sigh

:(

Fuck you Drama Llama... go fuck around in someone else's life. I like my life drama-free.


Comments......

Anagirlella - Yup I love mine too. Just hard sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion too! <3

Kazehana - Thanks for the advice! I definitely try to stick to veggie juice. I've noticed the sugar rush from fruit juice makes me binge later. You know... I know you're right about the starving. If I develop a bit of willpower I may be able to find that healthy middle ground. I just don't have it right now and I need to get skinny fast as humanly possible. I'll always do my best though.

Sam - I missed u too! <3<3 I may try the egg thing. That's a good idea. Eating just makes me want to eat though. Still, I may give that a shot... like 1 whole egg and 1 egg white or something.

Thx all u guys! <3

Fasting Update

I've been fasting since 10 pm 9/21/10. Today is day 4.

Yesterday (day 3) I had a hard time remaining functional on mostly water and tea like the other days. I know in a true water fast you're supposed to be able to be still, rest, take some time off. I haven't been able to. I had to take my kids places, run errands, go to the pool, etc. I was also trying to exercise a bit days 1 and 2. So yesterday I was feeling a bit weak in my muscles and was starting to get a bit dizzy. It was about to become really unsafe for me to drive. Tried hanging out with friends last night but had to come home around 8 because I was too worn out and the world was swimming.

So last night I did break my fast a bit to eat something to keep me going. I didn't binge at all though. I'm very happy about that.

I had hot portobello broth with bean thread noodles over raw mushroom, onion, and celery with a bit of dry chicken noodle soup mix to make it taste better. Turned out around 408 calories. Kinda more than I wanted. Then before bed wasn't feeling better, so I decided to try and get some protein too and had 2 Morning Star Farms vegetarian sausage patties. 80 cals each.

At the end of the day yesterday I ate about 570 cals. Hmmm... Not thrilled with it. I should have stuck to my plan. I will continue fasting to October 1st though, and I'll add a bit of fruit juice into the equation if I have to. I was doing mostly water, maybe to be active I need to do more juice. The thing about fruit juice though is that there are so many cals, I'd be getting less if I was just freaking eating. :P Bah. I dunno.

Whatever. My world. My fast. My rules. Plus, this is something I am saying I'm going to do until October 1st, but really I'm going to do this as long as I can. Possibly to my goal weight. I want to find that sweet spot where I can continue to function but nearly never eat. Maybe like this, fast 3 days, eat 1 meal, then fast 3 days again. Who knows. I'm enjoying finding my limits. Exploring my body's abilities is fun and feels a bit like yoga. Body play, seeing what feels good, what hurts, and why... where is my breath and focus? I'm having a good time. Why stop?

The only down side is that I've only lost 1 lb. so far. Boo. I want it to come off faster. But I won't reevaluate that until at least this 10 day fast is done.

One adjustment I am going to make now is adding Carnitine back into my day. I think it may have made a big difference last time.

Fuck I can't get a minute to write this. my day is fucking starting off bad. I can't get a minute to think fucking reflect and figure my shit out! Unbelievable. I have like 3 people interrupting. All I want in my morning is to be able to wake up, stretch out a bit, get my calorie restriction head on straight, and check my email. No email for me this morning. I was lucky to have 5 minutes to write this much. FML

/sigh

love you all

Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting

I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.

I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.

I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.

I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.

Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.

I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.

So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.

That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.

I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!

Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.

Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.

Nothing tastes this good:

xox <3
-=Elle

Thinspo vs Inspo

We aren't thin enough, so we're unhappy with ourselves. We self loathe to varying degrees individually and for widely varying reasons which includes our weight either as the cause or symptom of our other misery. We often try to harm ourselves through both eating and starving.

This is a problem.

If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?

I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)

I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?

lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.

I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).

But..

but...

BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.

Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.

I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...

xox

The Journal's New Clothes

I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.

It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.

I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...

Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.

I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)

Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3

Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox

Lifted Fog & Smiling Seas

I'm feeling better now. Funny how everything changes when the hormonal nonsense goes away. I feel completely stable. I'm not worried about the purge anymore and think it's a bit silly I ever was. I haven't binged in 5 days that I can remember. I've decided to start taking notes on how long I can go without binging. Since it's just a small update, I'll put it up on my tumblr/twitter. Somehow looking at that number as a high score makes me feel more driven not to slip and binge.

I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.

I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.

Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.

I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....

Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.

Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.

Alligator Tears...

The story of the Mia girl Alita totally made me cry. The part that was a normal day in her life. I've watched this whole show so far without getting very bothered or emotional until now. Her day... her eating... omg :( X( the binge... That is the closest thing I've seen to how I have eaten much of my life. I didn't do the purge. I don't except for the one time. But the eating..... /cry I feel so sick and sad right now. That eating, the lack of control. That's what I'm fighting. 6 plates of food! Go watch that part... watch it if you want to know me. :( Not the purging, just the eating.



That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.

I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.

In Dreams

Last night I dreamt of a drawing I did a long time ago. It was of a nude woman, about a 6 on the fat skinny spectrum... with fat and curves, but beautiful. She was the concept of a real woman... just drawn in oil pastel and I piece of cardboard.

In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.

Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.

I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".


-= Comments =-

@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.

I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.

Comments - Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

I wasn't going to make this a full post, but it was too long to put in the comments. Boo. :P
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.

Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.


First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.

I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.

If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.

Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.

I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.

I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.

I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.

Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.

But...

BUT...

This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.

Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.

As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.

I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.

The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.

Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.

Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.

Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.

Let's do this! Skinny here we come!

The Body Spectrum: Too Fat to Too Thin

The spectrum of weight... where do I want to be? Here's the scale from 10 to 0 in photo form:

10.
9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

0.

Right now I'm between 7 and 6... at least I am when you look at my tummy. I'm taller, but I gain in the middle, so if I have ANY fat, I have no curves... unlike girl 5 who despite being a bit heavy has a nice shape. I don't look like girl 5 until around 140 lbs. and I've never looked like girl 4. At 128, I was that skinny, but had no muscle and a bit of pudge in the tummy area.

I think I'd like to be anywhere from girl 5 to girl 3, but I'd NEVER want to be skinnier than girl 3. I think 4 would be ideal.

Flashback

I was just looking back at the first month of this blog. Wow I posted a lot. It was a dark and shady time but at least my path was clear... and my hormonal issues were milder. I'm not sure I can do all this anymore.

I obsess because it is the only way I know how to focus and be effective. But when I obsess I neglect other important parts of my life. Obsessing about starving myself isn't healthy. I know that, and you know that. We're not here to be healthy though. We're here to be skinny. Even the best of us prioritize skinny first, and healthy second... if at all.

/sigh

I told my sister Mei about the purge. I really didn't want to, but I refuse to start keeping secrets. Secrets, shame, and bottling things up in dark places are where the real problems begin. I don't need any more problems. In the event I might stop being honest with myself, I need some people I can trust to be honest with, because I know they'll be honest with me. The purge on Sunday was unfortunate, it was an experiment, it worked but it was awful, and I do not want it to become a gateway to something terrible. I know it could be. The sanest part of my brain says that experimentation is fine. It is good to know how to do things in case you need to, even vomitting. It is good to know where the bleeding edge of things is. Know your limits. But that doesn't mean you should live there.

This seems to be an evolution of my outlook in general. I wanted to transform my eating disorder or trade it for a new one. I didn't want to compound it. I've found myself on a slippery fucking slope. I don't have a problem with this yet, but I could see it heading that way. I need to figure out where I am and stay ahead of all this so I can be beautiful. Illness does not make you pretty, it makes you sick. I don't want to be sick and skinny, I want to be lean, elegant and glowing. Sexy as hell bitches!

I need to pull up. I don't want to crash.

I need to do an overhaul here. I felt so safe here in pro-ana land and now I feel lost in it too. I am still grateful to all of you... all the readers... all the bloggers. I love you all and feel closer to you than ever. I'm just not sure about the labels. I don't know if I'm pro-anything... I'm just me.

I think I'm going to update this blog, minus the Ana, and then go play some Sims 3 or watch anime until my husband comes home. :/

I just feel so lost at sea...

Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

Fasting today with some fellow ana twitterbugs. It feels good. I'm such a food whore. Every time my mind wanders for 5 min it's to food. I'm not hungry though, not tired. I feel great actually! So what's with the foodlust? I hate that. I hate being a slave to habit. I agree with eating to live and being healthy, but I also think being a slave to habit takes away your control and is a mental illness. I really think that until I only eat because I am actually hungry, I don't deserve to eat. I am going to reprogram myself if it's the last thing I do. Fuck you Ed(nos), you prick!

One thing that has kept me very controlled today has been the purge on Sunday. I still really dislike that it came to that. Why didn't I have the control to not put that awful shit in my body in the first place? It wasn't a binge, it was just a bad choice. But I knew it too! And I let myself eat it, and let myself get sick, and now made me wonder if I'm justifying what might be a developing path to Mia. These fears make fasting much easier. My lack of discipline set me up with a really bad day, so I'm very determined to let it never happen again. I love Ana because she is pristine, she is clean, and her views on food balance habits. I am not anorexic. I don't like Mia. She disgusts me a bit as she represents everything dirty that Ana does not. Mia loses control, Mia binges, Mia has vomit on her breath and scars on her knuckles... she is both the crime and the punishment.

What's funny is, I think at this point my ed falls into the Mia category... officially.

Check out the definitions:

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating.
Anorexia (deriving from the Greek "α(ν)-" (a(n)-, a prefix that denotes absence) + "όρεξη" (orexe) = appetite) is the decreased sensation of appetite. While the term in non-scientific publications is often used interchangeably with anorexia nervosa, many possible causes exist for a decreased appetite, some of which may be harmless, while others indicate a serious clinical condition, or pose a significant risk.

VS

Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviors. The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common.
The word bulimia derives from the Latin (būlīmia), which originally comes from the Greek βουλιμία (boulīmia; ravenous hunger), a compound of βους (bous), ox + λιμός (līmos), hunger.


Ok.... First, I'm not underweight. In fact, I have no intention of becoming under anything I consider underweight for my body. I think at 5'10" anything under 120 would be unhealthy for me. I have no plans to go under 120 ever. Second, as far as I know, I don't have any worse dysmorphic disorder or irrational body image than any other woman does. (Most women do think they look somewhat fatter than they actually do. Men tend to think they look thinner.)

What I DO is yes, I fast to lose weight, take diet pills, and diuretics... and I do this because in the past I binged on a regular basis. I've used the concept of Ana the Goddess of Purity and Control to curb my binging. And though I've only purged once, it would seem that I fall way farther into the Mia category than the Ana one. Apparently one does not have to purge regularly or at all to be bulimic.

Interesting. :P Not sure how I feel about all this. If I've fallen into Mia, according to those definitions, it isn't the first time. It's actually gone this way about 3 times in my life for a year or so at a time. This time I swear I will ride it to my goal. This time will be different because I will defeat the ugly side of Mia... the binges.

But where does this all leave me? I thought I was pro-ana. Am I? I'm not pro-mia, but I guess I've woken up in the arms of Mia and apparently I've been here for longer than I thought.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

/sigh.

Well no matter what I am, I'm happy in this community. And even if I'm Mia and not Ana, I'm not changing my fucking name again because I've done it too goddamn much! hehehe :) Plus Mia Banana sounds like shit.

At the end of the day, I'm just Elle anyway. And hopefully by the end of this journey I'll be Elle skinny. Maybe then I'll change my name again. Maybe by then I'll have earned it.

Took a Tumbl(r)

As requested, here's the linky to my tumblr... http://elleanab.tumblr.com

Big posts will still go here, but lil ones, twitter stuff, and even links from the Pirate Journal will funnel in over there.

My Pirate Journal will always be here to keep track of all the Ed/Ana tales, plans, and toils. :) Like I said before. This is where it all began and I'm the loyal sort.

Secrets & The New Food Plan

First, I have a secret. Hmmm... I don't really want to talk about it but it all started here, so... ugh. I'm pro-ana because I believe in extreme calorie restriction. I think it can be healthy, as is being skinny. It is proven to extend life, and our bodies developed specifically to exist in those circumstances. I am not pro-mia. I don't judge, but I do not think there is anything healthy about purging.

Yesterday I ate something really gross. Nasty hot dogs... about one and a half of them. They upset my stomach. Knowing they were about 400 cals total... maybe 500 made me even sicker. I purged. I couldn't help it. There I said it.

I felt much better afterward. Got rid of at least half of it. As a punishment for purging I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day except water and tea. I really don't think this will become a habit. And I do kinda think I was better of not having that garbage in my body for many reasons. Hot dogs are such dirty food. >P I'm not volunteering this little story to anyone I know though. I'm not really embarrassed, but I think they'd freak out and I don't want to deal with it. I'm definitely a bit uncomfortable with where this puts my eating disorder(s). I guess all this is a really slippery slope.

Which is why I'm going to get very strict on eating healthy!

Healthy! Extreme calorie restriction! High nutrition foods! Low fat protein! No chemicals!

I'm getting a salad shooter, and a whole bunch of Pacific Natural Foods organic soups. The idea is to use the lowest cal soups like the Mushroom Broth and French Onion Soup (5 cals/cup and 30 cals/cup), heat a cup or two of broth and pour the hot soup over raw shredded veggie combos of maybe carrots, spinach, chard, mushrooms, zucchini, and soy meats. It will be nutritious but super low cal, and will also get me back on track with the raw eating lifestyle since the veggies will be heated but not cooked. That will be lunch. Breakfast will be either nothing or maybe two boiled eggs and only eat one of the yolks, or a 100% raw smoothie. Dinners will be raw veggie salads or slaws dressed with lemon juice and salt, or a mustard dressing, or if I can take the cals I'll make a dressing out of avocado. Maybe a side of grilled fish with dinner too.

Lots of tea! Lots of water! Mmm... I've really been into hot water with a squeeze of lemon juice lately.

That's the game plan! Yar!!! I've done it before, I can do it again. Throw in a couple fasts here and there and I'm golden.

Oh! I also got a new juicer. My old one sucked. So I can to veggie juice fasts. I really like cabbage juice. I don't know a lot of juicing recipes so I got a recipe book to go with it. I know, big spender, but I think it will help me get back on track. I need that. I've lost 20 lbs. Now I need to do it again. I've spent a year 80% raw or more, and I need to do that again too. AND I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 128lbs SO LETS THROW THAT IN THERE TOO!

These are not foreign lands and strange goals! It is all familiar territory! If I can get a grip on myself I can do it, and do it well and healthy. Oh boy. Ok... now to brave dinner with the family and try not to eat it. ;)

hearts to all!
xox

Said I'd Read...

Well I did. And that was pathetic. To those of you who have posted in the last week, YAY! I love you! To everyone else, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

A couple disappeared, a few got lazy, some went into recovery, and Scarlet moved over to tumblr (http://thinneverland.tumblr.com/).

Bah, I say! BAH!

Twitter is super active. Tumblr is alive and well. But Blogger is taking a crap nap.

I'm not happy about this. I'm not leaving either... but since tumblr and twitter are so well integrated and I spend so much time on twitter, I'm gonna make me a tumblr thing too. If any of you have bloggies over there, let me know so I can follows them. ;)

<3

P.S. I'd never leave this blog. Not until my work here is done anyway. This is where it all began for me. It's all here. And I'm a very loyal sort. :) xox

Tara Firmer: Slim Calm Sexy and... I rant.

Tara Stiles, Tara Stiles, Tara Stiles!!!!

I heart her so much. Really. I do. I now have bought:

Elle Make Better Series: Elle Workout Yoga
It stars Brooklyn Decker, but the yoga workouts are led and taught by Tara Stiles.

Slim Calm Sexy
Tara's book, which I love so much because it is fabulous thinspo. The best! I like yoga, I do have better books for starting a yoga practice, but they don't even come close as any kind of thinspo. This is page after page of beautiful skinniness!!

Yoga Anywhere: The New York Sessions
I just bought this dvd and it is on it's way! I think it gets here Tuesday! XD XD

I still don't have any more info on diet from her, but in one blog quote she does say this:

"Yoga puts us back in touch with our bodies' needs and equips us with the tools we already have: the intuition and awareness to nourish our bodies properly with wholesome, healthy foods. Yoga doesn't show us how to starve ourselves. That is a terrible disorder, as terrible as overeating." - Tara Stiles

The previous paragraph was much longer, mainly talking about how bad it is to over eat and eat poorly. I like that she puts starving and overeating in the same category. THANK YOU! I hate that overeating tends to go ignored while extreme restriction gets all the gasps and sad glances. Sickness is sickness. Unhealthy is unhealthy, and there are a lot more unhealthy FAT bodies in this country than there are unhealthy skinny ones.

Am I obsessed with being skinny? YES! Do I get so upset with myself that I want to or actually do hurt myself sometimes? Yes. Do I use food or the lack of it as a weapon sometimes? Yes I do. I confess. HOWEVER... I would prefer to be healthy and skinny. Am I sick? Do I want to be ill? NO! I want to be thin to be sexy, to be beautiful, to be happy with myself, to reflect well on those who love me. I will get to thin however I can. I am ok with hurting myself to get there, but obviously I'd rather not. I'd rather get there in a way that helps me feel good, not sickly and pathetic. There is no win if you can't enjoy the win.

I guess my point is, yes, I have some issues. The things I do aren't the most healthy, but they also aren't the most sickly. If people have an issue with my ED's or how I cope with them, let a truly healthy person throw the first stone. Most often I see the crap being flung from overweight and even morbidly obese people, and I have no patience for it. They are so much worse than anything I'm doing or dealing with. I'm not in the real starvation danger zone. Not as long as there is muscle and fat on my body and I eat leafy fucking greens. They, on the other hand, ARE in the danger zone! They are in line for stroke, heart attack, diabetes, some cancers, and all kinds of awful stuff, just waiting for their number to be up! So there! :P

hehe Sorry, I get a little heated. Grrr... ;)

-= Comments =-

Gila - You're welcome for the other Tara Stiles post. :) I've been having fun working out to the online vids too. They really do get you sweating! I didn't expect it from yoga, but her kinda of yoga is pretty active and continuous. I love it!

Reading You Today

I love reading the blogs of my sisters in Ana. Lately I haven't had much time to do it. I don't know about you, but sticking together and thinking of you guys helps me keep the binges away. I also self-loathe less. :) Because I love you guys and we have so many similarities, I think the love spills back over to loving me more too.

A quick state of my life comment: I've been visiting family, they feed me too much, I binged, makes me hate life, I can't wait to get out of here... though I do love the family. I want to get a good fast going. I also have a bunch of new products up my sleeve I've learned about here. One of my relatives is a wealth of skinny info. :)

Ok, I'm off to read.

Comments:

Kazehana - Thanks! That was sweet. There really is no problem with the comments. That was kinda the point. When I'm in my hormone freak-out mode every silly, non-existent problem can be the end of the world. I'm glad I can at least tell, and then self-correct.

Everyone is a Mess/PMDD Post

I have PMDD... anyone else?


PMDD is PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. To say it is like PMS on steroids would be a gross understatement. It's bad. Real bad. Kind of like a lunar cyclical bipolarism.

Wikipedia, bring us the symptom and diagnosis list...

The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include

• feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
• feelings of tension or anxiety
• increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• panic attacks
• mood swings, crying
• lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts. Typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
• apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
• difficulty concentrating
• fatigue
• food cravings or binge eating
• insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
• feeling overwhelmed or "out of control"
• increase or decrease in sex drive
• increased need for emotional closeness
• physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose

Other symptoms that are common and more specific to PMDD include:

• physical symptoms such as breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscle pain.
• an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.

Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the 2 weeks before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.

....thanks Wikipedia.

The red ones are the ones I commonly get during that hellacious two weeks. Actually, they're missing paranoia.


I am in the thick of my PMDD right now. I was actually feeling sad today that my blog hasn't had more comments and that it used to before, and maybe people here in the Ana community hate me now. Yes, I know thats not true. /sigh I thank my lucky stars I've been tracking my PMDD for a while (years now) and I know what it sounds like. The sane part of my brain recognizes the crazy part a bit better these days. It's taken a ton of practice to get to this point. I wanted to mention all of it though because it could be a possible reason some of you guys also have binge eating issues or relationship problems or who knows how many other personality issues we all struggle with.

Try to be mindful of your freakouts and see if they tend to fall into that 2 week window before your period.

I had no idea of any of this for the longest time. Every month is like a bipolar rollercoaster. 2 weeks sane, then 2 weeks crazy as fuck.


I don't know how many of you may have PMDD too, but I have noticed that the ProAna bloggy world is a little quiet and crabby right now... ok maybe worse... like off their game and miserable as fuck.

Glad to know I'm not the only one, but still sorry everyone is going through it.

<3
Elle Ana Banana

Tara Foods Low-Cal-nalysis

Kazehana wanted to know how I got a 600-700 cal day from looking at Tara's food.

"wait, what? how did you get 700 cal day from that video? pasta is 200-300 cals per serving, and olive oil has 120 cals per tablespoon, not to mention the parmesan cheese. lol she had tea with real honey, which has like 65 cals per spoonful. which means her lunch alone had 500 cals minimum. if her breakfasts/dinners contain any amount of animal protein (dairy/eggs count...Idk if she's a meat eater), I'd say her daily intake is at least 1100."

Points

1. Proportions Proportions

She does not have a full serving in that bowl. That is a cup or less of dry pasta. But for argument's sake, we'll say it's a full 2 oz serving, which is 200 cals for the Farfalle she is having. A loose handful of spinach like that is about 3 cals. The spinach was tossed with the oil and vinegar already, if you put a tablespoon of oil in there it the spinach would be swimming in it... not to mention the vinegar. The oil in there was 1 tsp. or less. 40 cals for the oil. You'll notice also that the shredded parmesan is sitting next to less than half of a meyer lemon in a little dish. That is also not even a full tablespoon of cheese. Again, for the sake of argument, let's say it is a tablespoon of the cheese, which is 21 calories. To be thorough, lets add a splash of lemon juice and a dash of balsamic vinegar. 1 and 2 calories.

Worst case scenario, that lunch of hers calculates out to 270 calories... though I'd say it's quite a bit less.

Oh and the honey... Yup, raw healthy honeys like hers are about 60 cals and the milk for the tea is another 22 cals.

2. Her Other Meals
Some nights her lunches or dinners admittedly include half a small healthy pizza on occasion with friends (probably the highest calorie thing) at 330 cals for the meal, and about a cup of thick veggie soup at 110 cals and maybe a bit of pasta in it bringing it up to 200 cals.

Preliminary Conclusion

Her highest cal meals land at around 350 cals, so if she ate that EVERY meal, yeah, she'd end up around 1000 cals. And on the low end, if 3 meals a day were on the lowest cal side, she could end up low as about 400 cals for some days.

If Tara ate the soup (no pasta), and the pasta lunch (including worst case scenario numbers), and the pizza for dinner, and drank the tea with milk and honey it tallys up to a 793 calorie day.

Plus, if you looked at her book, you'd see... this girl is empty. She has low body fat and when she bends over, NOTHING smooshes or bulges. Her skin is perfectly lean and smooth, and her abdomen has nothing in it. The only way a person can be that thin with her body's build is to eat very little. Trust me, I have her body build and was about that thin once.

Another video I just found suggests an apple for lunch. Come on girls, an apple for lunch? Sounds like something we'd do on a very low cal day doesn't it? 72 cals for lunch sounds like something I'd do! :)

Anyway, the bottom line is I really don't know what Tara Stiles is eating or what her suggested diet is. She seems to be avoiding the diet question as much as possible. Hmmm... suspicious for a fitness instructor. And anything I've found I had to really dig around for. I hope one of these days she'll put out dietary advice, but I'm not sure if she can. If she is as low cal as I think she is, she'd be torn to pieces in the mainstream. Probably why she hasn't done it yet despite having two books and a video out. I put together as much as I could figure. If I find more I'll post it. :)

I wish I could be fly on the wall for all the celeb eating habits. Wouldn't that be great?

Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 2

-- Progress Tracking --

Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.

Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)

oops... haven't had time to do this yet.

Personal Entry
FMfuckingL. Today was not a good day for skinny. Not at all.

I had a meeting...

At a diner...

On the up-side, they post calories on the menu. On the down side, I shit you not, almost everything on the menu was 1000 calories or higher!! For one meal!!!! omg... freakout.

But it was dinner out with a bunch of people. Even the salads were fatty insane. Interestingly, ordering desert instead of dinner was the lowest cal option. That bullshit put me at about 1000 cals for the day though! Damn-shittledy-fucking-hell!

So yeah, I'm mad. I wish I was Mia. Not only do I wish I could send it all back out the way it came in, but I'd make sure it landed in the lap of whoever invented such fatty-ass awful food. Crazy! I mean, who the hell eats 1200 cals in ONE MEAL??!! So gross.

Ooh excellent, just thinking of all the disgusting ingredients might be making me nauseous right now. Maybe I will puke after all! That would be lovely! :)

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will be better.

Now, something good. Something I love...

TARA STILES!!

I'm going to start doing Tara Stiles yoga practices every day. You know, I don't know if it will get me in better shape, but she is the most amazing thinspo!

I found some info on what she eats to be so skinny! Here's a link to the Tara Stiles lunch:
http://www.channels.com/episodes/show/5737895/What-s-for-Lunch-

Here's some TaraThinspo to leave you with:






UPDATED:

So fuck it. From what I can figure, a normal calorie day for Tara Stiles based on what she had in her fridge, and suggested for lunch, is about a 600-700 calorie day. So to hell with zigzagging and confusing my sorry dietary issues. I'm going to shoot for that lifestyle and stick to it.

Do you hear me world?? I'm done. Done eating all your awful shit. Done apologizing for my low cal days. Done done done. My goal of 650 cals per day was sound. If I plateau I'll figure out another way around it. No more cal increases.

So there. :P