When the Holiday Season has passed us by would you rather it left you svelte as an elf or thick as Saint Nick? Here are 10 ways to keep lean as a reindeer.
10. Dasher - Dress as dashing and gorgeous as you can. If there is less room for "error" in your outfit, you will be less likely to stuff yourself like a stocking.
9. Dancer - Self explanatory. Dance! Enjoy the parties and shake your holly jolly groove thang.
8. Prancer - Don't walk or stroll through the mall shopping or chilling with friends. Brush up your Naomi Campbell and strut with speed and style. You'll look hawt and it'll keep your metabolism up!
7. Vixen - Yeah they don't call her that for nothing. ;) I'm talking about sex, Miss Post! Sexy Santa Babies burn lots of cals in the bedroom. Make sure you have a safe partner, but go nympho for New Years! It's more fun than cookies anyway.
6. Comet - ...cleanser that is! Keep your room/house/apartment clean. It will keep your mind clear too and give you something non-diet-related to be OCD about.
5. Cupid - In our romantic lives we tend to figure nothing says I love you like sweets. Unfigure that! You can be a better Cupid by being creative with your indulgences. Focus on adventures, music, massages, baths, or other sensual pursuits involving your 4 non-taste-related senses.
4. Donner - Or should I say DAWNer... As in MORNING. What I'm trying to say is, amid all the dancing and vixening, don't forget to go to bed early every couple of nights and recharge with some good sleep. Even a nap is helpful. Often we eat to compensate with sleepless fatigue. So be sure to don your gay sleep apparel and falala lalala la la lall asleep.
3. Blitzen - Ballroom blitz, bar fight, or Bikram, keep up with your workouts. There is no appetite suppresser like intense physical activity. It literally shuts the stomach down temporarily. So get blitzin'!
2. Rudolph - Lead the sleigh, and lead the way. Don't wait on family or friends to do right or get in active gear or keep the menu healthy. It's all you. Be the motivator and the others might even follow. Either way, you'll be all set to survive the holidays slim and slender!
1. Hohoho - Smile and above all else, laugh. It's the best ab workout and can shift your mood and chemistry on a dime!
Merry Christmas!!!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Out of My Discomfort Zone
Still in Hawaii, and still loving it. Beautiful day after beautiful day pass here, full of activity, living, and usefulness. I'm truly happy here.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY NEVER ENDING BATTLE WITH FOOD.
I was doing really well. Mostly raw. But the last couple days I've let slip and last night I was served breaded fish and rice pilaf from a box and ate it. :(((( I'm slowly sinking back into garbage mainstream eating because THAT is what my in-laws think is healthy and acceptable! It's not! Maybe I'm overreacting. It actually wasn't the last couple of days, it was just the one meal. But the temptation has been there for several days which is almost as bad! Maybe I should just let it go... just one meal of questionable food... But I can't. It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of wine!
I've worked so hard to fight my eating disorder, and constantly fight my lifelong dietary programming that tells me to stuff my face with factory produced rehash that is not real food. It is my responsibility to protect myself from packaged food industry and it's commercially brainwashed minions in the masses. I know. But it's hard having it in my face every day. This is even worse than when I was fasting and sticking to my diet in months past while still cooking for my kids. The food is even worse, and people are serving it to me almost constantly.
I've fought back by offering to make dinner. Serving fresh salads, veggie dishes, and steamed or grilled fish or chicken, or making sushi and soups. They love my dinners... but I think their cravings and bad habits freak out and kick in and then they fight back with fried foods, starches, and boxed meals... cereals and cookies... pasta pasta pasta. /sigh... :(
I need to get out of here. I'm more physically active than ever. This should be great for me, but my body needs beautiful food, healthy food for radiant, glowing, health and beauty. My body needs to be not only my temple but my sanctuary!
bah.
damn people are violating my sanctuary. I need better security. Gotta put in some cameras and alarm systems. ;)
Sorry about all the fussing. I'm just upset I'm dealing with this at all.
And the result:
I'm water fasting today. I'm thinking about fasting all week. What does that mean? I am shutting down and going back to the only thing I know I can do to battle my ED and that is my other ED. Am I relapsing? Regressing? Or am I just honestly hitting a reset button to recommit to the healthy pattern I've successfully maintained for a while? I don't know. I do know that I don't really trust myself. I also know that I can't talk myself out of it.
As this is my journal I must be completely honest and say that I'm punishing myself for what I ate for dinner last night. Breaded fish and pilaf. My penance is one full day of "Hail glass, full of water" and two days of "Our juice fast, thou art heaven..." My brain knows this is not the best example of behavior. My husband would probably insist on a different course correction. But he's not here. He's been gone for 2 of 3 weeks we knew we'd be without him this month. So oh well. Ideally I should be eating healthy, I know that. And I have been most of the time. Obviously I've slipped though and that is absolutely unacceptable. We all know I'd rather err on the side of starvation than on the side of poison/gluttony.
I'm sure this is just temporary. I'll get my day of water and couple days of juice fasting out of the way, feel better, and go back to enjoying my bowls of sunshine. Fresh fruit right off the trees in the morning, gorgeous green salads in the afternoon, and vivid vital veggies in the evenings! Yay! Yup, that's what I'm going to do.
NO PILAF EVER AGAIN! I REPENT!
-----Comments-----
Kazehana - I definitely agree on the importance of fats. Thats why I figured I'd stick with the naturally oily foods like salmon, avocado, and olives. I always opt for butter over margarine. Oh and I didn't give up oil entirely on my salads but I am trying avocado oil... so I get some of that every day. Besides my salads and sauces, I'm not getting much oil though because I'm not cooking much. No butter because I haven't been eating anything that cooks in or uses butter. I'm an avocado junkie though, so I'm probably ok on the oil front. :)
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY NEVER ENDING BATTLE WITH FOOD.
I was doing really well. Mostly raw. But the last couple days I've let slip and last night I was served breaded fish and rice pilaf from a box and ate it. :(((( I'm slowly sinking back into garbage mainstream eating because THAT is what my in-laws think is healthy and acceptable! It's not! Maybe I'm overreacting. It actually wasn't the last couple of days, it was just the one meal. But the temptation has been there for several days which is almost as bad! Maybe I should just let it go... just one meal of questionable food... But I can't. It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of wine!
I've worked so hard to fight my eating disorder, and constantly fight my lifelong dietary programming that tells me to stuff my face with factory produced rehash that is not real food. It is my responsibility to protect myself from packaged food industry and it's commercially brainwashed minions in the masses. I know. But it's hard having it in my face every day. This is even worse than when I was fasting and sticking to my diet in months past while still cooking for my kids. The food is even worse, and people are serving it to me almost constantly.
I've fought back by offering to make dinner. Serving fresh salads, veggie dishes, and steamed or grilled fish or chicken, or making sushi and soups. They love my dinners... but I think their cravings and bad habits freak out and kick in and then they fight back with fried foods, starches, and boxed meals... cereals and cookies... pasta pasta pasta. /sigh... :(
I need to get out of here. I'm more physically active than ever. This should be great for me, but my body needs beautiful food, healthy food for radiant, glowing, health and beauty. My body needs to be not only my temple but my sanctuary!
bah.
damn people are violating my sanctuary. I need better security. Gotta put in some cameras and alarm systems. ;)
Sorry about all the fussing. I'm just upset I'm dealing with this at all.
And the result:
I'm water fasting today. I'm thinking about fasting all week. What does that mean? I am shutting down and going back to the only thing I know I can do to battle my ED and that is my other ED. Am I relapsing? Regressing? Or am I just honestly hitting a reset button to recommit to the healthy pattern I've successfully maintained for a while? I don't know. I do know that I don't really trust myself. I also know that I can't talk myself out of it.
As this is my journal I must be completely honest and say that I'm punishing myself for what I ate for dinner last night. Breaded fish and pilaf. My penance is one full day of "Hail glass, full of water" and two days of "Our juice fast, thou art heaven..." My brain knows this is not the best example of behavior. My husband would probably insist on a different course correction. But he's not here. He's been gone for 2 of 3 weeks we knew we'd be without him this month. So oh well. Ideally I should be eating healthy, I know that. And I have been most of the time. Obviously I've slipped though and that is absolutely unacceptable. We all know I'd rather err on the side of starvation than on the side of poison/gluttony.
I'm sure this is just temporary. I'll get my day of water and couple days of juice fasting out of the way, feel better, and go back to enjoying my bowls of sunshine. Fresh fruit right off the trees in the morning, gorgeous green salads in the afternoon, and vivid vital veggies in the evenings! Yay! Yup, that's what I'm going to do.
NO PILAF EVER AGAIN! I REPENT!
-----Comments-----
Kazehana - I definitely agree on the importance of fats. Thats why I figured I'd stick with the naturally oily foods like salmon, avocado, and olives. I always opt for butter over margarine. Oh and I didn't give up oil entirely on my salads but I am trying avocado oil... so I get some of that every day. Besides my salads and sauces, I'm not getting much oil though because I'm not cooking much. No butter because I haven't been eating anything that cooks in or uses butter. I'm an avocado junkie though, so I'm probably ok on the oil front. :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Drinking Air and Eating Sunshine
Hawaii has been good to me.
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
175 Days to My One Year Skinniversary
Not officially skinny yet. I know. But the day I snapped and changed my life completely and uncompromisingly is the day I call my Skinniversary. I look at it like a birthday, or maybe a rebirthday. I'll never forget the day. April 26th, 2010. I almost feel like it's more relevant to me than my birthday.
I'm really looking forward to my Skinniversary. I think it may end up my favorite holiday, seeing how I progress every year.
Just my thoughts for the morning.
I'm really looking forward to my Skinniversary. I think it may end up my favorite holiday, seeing how I progress every year.
Just my thoughts for the morning.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Really Am Lost At Sea
Still in Hawaii.
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
and
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health
and
Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's Been Quiet
The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.
Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.
Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.
I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.
Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.
I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.
Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!
Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!
Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.
So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.
My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox
Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.
Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.
I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.
Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.
I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.
Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!
Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!
Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.
So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.
My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand
It is incredible how some small thing can transport you through time and space to a single moment in your life. The world of now melts away, meaningless... A wave of sound or smell sweeps you up and fills every sense you have. Instantly you're gone.
"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."
The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?
"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."
Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.
"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"
It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.
"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."
Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.
14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.
Play.
"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."
The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?
"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."
Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.
"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"
It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.
"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."
Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.
14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.
Play.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Being Constructive in the Face of Failure
Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.
Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.
I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.
I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.
Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.
Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.
What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh
More From Me On PMDD - tumblr 10/7/10
Other PMDD Posts....
I'm PMS Hide Your Knives!
(Hide ya kids, hide ya knives, and hide ya husbands cuz they PMSin' everybody up hea.<3)
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
PMDDiddly
On my PMDD days I don't like leaving my room. I tend to hole up. I feel bad for my kids on those days because they're left to themselves and not taken out to do things, or paid as much attention to. The problem is, when I do force myself out those days I'm so ill-tempered that I upset them anyway. I have a hard time handling them those days and they end up punished more... though they're no worse behaved those days than any. I just don't perceive situations and actions of others clearly and feel like everyone is deliberately against me, then I retaliate... right or wrong... true or not.
I've come to realize through introspection that the only thing I truly feel during these times it the urge to be left alone. I don't mind if people are around, but I want to be ignored and quiet. I crave solitude. If I get it, everything is fine. If I don't, everything goes to hell.
This month's PMDDizzle isn't as bad as normal. I'm curious why. I've been reading up. Extra sleep, plenty of exercise, and a nutritious diet (free of refined foods, and too much sugar or salt) can help balance the hormones. I'd love to think that's it, but I've only been on my "healthy" diet and yoga routine for a week. I can't imagine it would work that quickly. Who knows.
I've decided to stop weighing myself for a while. One thing that's always bothered me about regular exercise is how I always gain weight before I lose it. Now that I'm on that path, I just don't want to know. My calories are low because my diet is mostly raw and very clean. Any weight gain would be muscle. I need to just trust the process and stick to it. Feeling good can be it's own reward or now.
That and my upcoming 6 weeks in Hawaii. XD I'm pretty excited. Home is where the heart is, and Maui was my home for more of my life than any other place. It's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. Every year I've lived in California I've felt like I was away on business, and each time I go back to Maui I get to go home for a while before leaving again on my extended trip to "the mainland." If I ever get to move back, the amount of peace I'll feel will be impossible to express. In the mean time, this long visit out there is the best I can do. I leave in about 2 weeks.
Time to go eat breakfast. A challenge being on this plan is to eat regularly. I'm not very good at it anymore.
Love you loves!<3
I've come to realize through introspection that the only thing I truly feel during these times it the urge to be left alone. I don't mind if people are around, but I want to be ignored and quiet. I crave solitude. If I get it, everything is fine. If I don't, everything goes to hell.
This month's PMDDizzle isn't as bad as normal. I'm curious why. I've been reading up. Extra sleep, plenty of exercise, and a nutritious diet (free of refined foods, and too much sugar or salt) can help balance the hormones. I'd love to think that's it, but I've only been on my "healthy" diet and yoga routine for a week. I can't imagine it would work that quickly. Who knows.
I've decided to stop weighing myself for a while. One thing that's always bothered me about regular exercise is how I always gain weight before I lose it. Now that I'm on that path, I just don't want to know. My calories are low because my diet is mostly raw and very clean. Any weight gain would be muscle. I need to just trust the process and stick to it. Feeling good can be it's own reward or now.
That and my upcoming 6 weeks in Hawaii. XD I'm pretty excited. Home is where the heart is, and Maui was my home for more of my life than any other place. It's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. Every year I've lived in California I've felt like I was away on business, and each time I go back to Maui I get to go home for a while before leaving again on my extended trip to "the mainland." If I ever get to move back, the amount of peace I'll feel will be impossible to express. In the mean time, this long visit out there is the best I can do. I leave in about 2 weeks.
Time to go eat breakfast. A challenge being on this plan is to eat regularly. I'm not very good at it anymore.
Love you loves!<3
Monday, October 4, 2010
PMS Prevention?
These are the most interesting sections of an article from a Real Yoga NY blog regarding the use of Ayurveda on female hormonal issues:
Sounds like good solid advice in general. I know that this month, my PMDD (PMS on steroids) is much milder... even manageable. The only reason I can think of for that is maybe the 8 to 10 hours of sleep I've been getting, the diet shift (no processed food and little or no preservatives), and yoga every day. I've only been observing those rules for a week as of today though. Could it have made such an obvious difference so quickly? Maybe I'm just happier...?
Haven't lost any more weight this week that I can tell. My body feels much firmer though. I can tell by the touch, which is interesting. My muscles are waking up and it feels really good. The yoga is also putting me in very close touch with my body. For example, I had family visiting yesterday so I made a special dinner including free-range, grass-fed beef steaks, a salad with my own very low cal dressing, and a fresh, semi-raw tomato soup made from scratch from farmer's market produce purchased that day. Oh... and a home made apple pie sweetened with honey. It was all extremely fresh and delicious. I didn't over eat. In fact, with the steak, I was so full after eating very little. And I didn't have any pie.
Today in my morning yoga, I feel like there is a brick still sitting in my stomach. The beef is clearly not done digesting. I don't feel sick or anything, but I do feel heavy and a bit sluggish in my yoga. I probably wouldn't notice if it wasn't for yoga being my daily constant, but it puts an excellent spotlight on all things physical.
My shoulders are looser.
I had the best down dog today ever. My back even cracked a bit... it felt soooo good!
My neck and calves are a bit tight.
My tummy feels heavier from the inside.
It's very interesting.
I do feel good though. Thank you yoga for being my line of communication with my body! <3
Love you all!<3
N: What are some of the general rules that we can follow to prevent PMS from happening?
V: As a general rule, diet is very important 1 week before the cycle. Try to avoid anything too cold, salty, refined sugar, and caffeine. Your diet should contain mostly warm and nourishing light dishes. Cooked and semi-cooked vegetable and lots of fruits is always good, just make sure not to mix them in one meal. It is best to follow your regular routine without adding anything new or extreme to your lifestyle. So if you exercise regularly, keep exercising at the same level of intensity, no need to significantly reduce or intensify the routine. Also, aim for a good restful sleep, it will keep Vata at bay. One last important thing to keep in mind is your digestion. Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day to detoxify your body.
Sounds like good solid advice in general. I know that this month, my PMDD (PMS on steroids) is much milder... even manageable. The only reason I can think of for that is maybe the 8 to 10 hours of sleep I've been getting, the diet shift (no processed food and little or no preservatives), and yoga every day. I've only been observing those rules for a week as of today though. Could it have made such an obvious difference so quickly? Maybe I'm just happier...?
N: If a woman experiences severe PMS symptoms what can be done to alleviate them? You mentioned that there are some yoga asanas and breathing that Ayurveda can prescribe to fight off different ailments. What works during PMS?
V: Vajrasana or Thunderbolt pose is good to keep digestion healthy and prevent PMS symptoms. Vata types should focus on keeping their internal warmth. Sun Salutations, forward bends, child’s pose, and Rabbit are good asanas for Vata type PMS. They can also add alternative nostril breathing and Bhramri or Bramari (Bumble Bee) breath. Pitta types will benefit from side stretches that will reduce frustration and help create more space and openness; Cobra, Bow, and Camel poses. Pitta’s PMS yoga routine should start and end with a long Savasana to release all the tension and bring the attention internally. They should avoid Sun Salutations during this time and do a cooling Sheetali Breathing .
I don't know much about the Ayurvedic body types. I looked into Ayurveda a few years back, read up a bit, and then slipped away from it. It seemed like something that was not even practiced commonly by people from India. A "spooky" fringe thing that is easy for easterners to sell to westerners. It may deserve a closer look again. I know that the herbs recommended are also backed by a lot of other health schools of thought, so maybe there is more to it than I gave it all credit for.
Check out the whole article here...N: You mentioned that Ayurveda uses a lot of spices to alleviate certain health issues. What works for PMS or other common problems?
V: Turmeric, coriander, and fenugreek are special women-friendly PMS fighting herbs that can be added to cooking or to tea, if you don’t mind a bitter taste. They have a calming and warming effect on the body and mind, promoting healthy digestion and stress-release.
Haven't lost any more weight this week that I can tell. My body feels much firmer though. I can tell by the touch, which is interesting. My muscles are waking up and it feels really good. The yoga is also putting me in very close touch with my body. For example, I had family visiting yesterday so I made a special dinner including free-range, grass-fed beef steaks, a salad with my own very low cal dressing, and a fresh, semi-raw tomato soup made from scratch from farmer's market produce purchased that day. Oh... and a home made apple pie sweetened with honey. It was all extremely fresh and delicious. I didn't over eat. In fact, with the steak, I was so full after eating very little. And I didn't have any pie.
Today in my morning yoga, I feel like there is a brick still sitting in my stomach. The beef is clearly not done digesting. I don't feel sick or anything, but I do feel heavy and a bit sluggish in my yoga. I probably wouldn't notice if it wasn't for yoga being my daily constant, but it puts an excellent spotlight on all things physical.
My shoulders are looser.
I had the best down dog today ever. My back even cracked a bit... it felt soooo good!
My neck and calves are a bit tight.
My tummy feels heavier from the inside.
It's very interesting.
I do feel good though. Thank you yoga for being my line of communication with my body! <3
Love you all!<3
Friday, October 1, 2010
Yesterday's Food, Today's Yoga
Sept. 30
NUTRITION TOTALS:
I love this app. :) (Weightmania Pro)
Only got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I'm supposed to do better. But yoga went well today. I'm already so much better at getting deep into the poses and actually have the energy to power through it. I'm doing the P90X Yoga X every day for a month. I know you're supposed to vary the workout but this is just while I get into my routine, so I dont really have to think about it. Keep things predictable for the next 3 weeks while I adjust to this new life approach. It's all good. Doing this every day for now has helped me progress pretty quickly. It feels great!
I still haven't been able to fit weight training into my day, and have only added cardio in a couple times. I guess I'll just do what I can. In any case, the ashtanga yoga is the biggest calorie burn for the day anyway, so of course that matters the most to me. :)
Ok, well, on with the day. <3
NUTRITION TOTALS:
| Total Cal.: | 1656.66 | Total Fat: | 79.44 | Total Cholesterol.: | 885.17 |
| Total Sodium: | 3927.15 | Total Carbs: | 90.87 | Total Fiber: | 19.56 |
| Total Sugar: | 5.56 | Total Protein: | 148.36 | Total Water: | 6.83 |
| Total Points: | 0.00 |
I love this app. :) (Weightmania Pro)
Only got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I'm supposed to do better. But yoga went well today. I'm already so much better at getting deep into the poses and actually have the energy to power through it. I'm doing the P90X Yoga X every day for a month. I know you're supposed to vary the workout but this is just while I get into my routine, so I dont really have to think about it. Keep things predictable for the next 3 weeks while I adjust to this new life approach. It's all good. Doing this every day for now has helped me progress pretty quickly. It feels great!
I still haven't been able to fit weight training into my day, and have only added cardio in a couple times. I guess I'll just do what I can. In any case, the ashtanga yoga is the biggest calorie burn for the day anyway, so of course that matters the most to me. :)
Ok, well, on with the day. <3
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monthly Measurement Check-In
MEASUREMENTS:
Notes:
161.0 I'm really excited about the .0 because to me that means just a couple ounces away from 160.... which is just a lb away from the 150's. OmG!!!Z!!~!
Oh and I've been looking at my expired drivers licenses for weight info. How long have I been this fat anyway??
In 1995 I was 154.
In my adult life in 1996 I was 128.
In 1997 I was 135. -_-
And by about 1999 I was 145. Ugh.
I know that by 2001 I was about 160.
And from 2002 on I'd been above 170 until this year... 2010.
Such fast gain! I was averaging about 10 lbs per year! eew!! Funny since my whole life I've looked at overweight people thinking "didn't they notice?" "It doesn't happen overnight..." Well, it's not all that easy is it? Suck it Elle. So yes, I'm sorry... for being harsh to others and being a fat ass to myself.
Bottom line is, NEVER AGAIN.
So far this year I've unwound my weight clock back to 2001. :) That makes me happy. Can't wait till I get back into the 90's. hehe
<3
| Weight: | 161.00 | Waist: | 37.30 | Body Fat %: | 27.79 |
| BMI: | 23.10 | ||||
| Neck: | 13.00 | Upper L. Arm: | 12.25 | Left Thigh: | 22.75 |
| Chest: | 39.75 | Upper R. Arm: | 12.00 | Right Thigh: | 22.80 |
| Mid-Section: | 32.00 | L. Forearm: | 10.00 | Left Calf: | 13.50 |
| Hips: | 38.25 | R. Forearm: | 10.00 | Right Calf: | 13.50 |
Notes:
161.0 I'm really excited about the .0 because to me that means just a couple ounces away from 160.... which is just a lb away from the 150's. OmG!!!Z!!~!
Oh and I've been looking at my expired drivers licenses for weight info. How long have I been this fat anyway??
In 1995 I was 154.
In my adult life in 1996 I was 128.
In 1997 I was 135. -_-
And by about 1999 I was 145. Ugh.
I know that by 2001 I was about 160.
And from 2002 on I'd been above 170 until this year... 2010.
Such fast gain! I was averaging about 10 lbs per year! eew!! Funny since my whole life I've looked at overweight people thinking "didn't they notice?" "It doesn't happen overnight..." Well, it's not all that easy is it? Suck it Elle. So yes, I'm sorry... for being harsh to others and being a fat ass to myself.
Bottom line is, NEVER AGAIN.
So far this year I've unwound my weight clock back to 2001. :) That makes me happy. Can't wait till I get back into the 90's. hehe
<3
Losing Fast! New 10 Year Low!
Ok, I was freaked out about the healthy thing, but yesterday I was down a lb. to 162.6 (had been up one even during fasting).
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
| Total Cal.: | 900.55 | Total Fat: | 57.00 | Total Cholesterol.: | 1298.13 |
| Total Sodium: | 1565.55 | Total Carbs: | 54.00 | Total Fiber: | 16.73 |
| Total Sugar: | 8.64 | Total Protein: | 104.73 | Total Water: | 3.05 |
| Total Points: | 0.00 |
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Breakfast - 222 cals
Omlette
1 cherry tomatoI guess I feel comfortably full. I don't feel bloated or gross. Not like at dinner last night. Dats guud.
5 pieces of marinated artichoke heart, drained
1 whole egg
2 egg whites
Note: 13 days binge free!
Comments
Anonymous - I suck at moderation too. I do extremes. Stuff myself beyond all reason, or starve. I seem to be able to handle that. This path scares me. Each guideline looks to me like yet another way to fuck up. But it also puts me on the spot to practice what I preach. I started pro-ana optimal a long time ago. It's almost the same thing. Healthy calorie restriction, high nutrition, beauty from the inside out, skinny and gorgeous rather than skinny and sickly... the Christy Turlington route. /sigh So easy to say, but I've never yet managed to do it. Probably why I feel the need to stay so close to this blog right now. It's helped me so much. And so anyone reading can be a fly on the wall and see if it actually works... knowing how all over the place I've been.
Still Here With Bells On And A New Plan
Can't help coming here. I've kept journals since I was a little girl and this is my most active journal and pretty much my home since April. It's mine, and I see no reason not to continue working things out, thinking and talking on here.
Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.
Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.
Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan
No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.
Diet
That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.
I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.
I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.
I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.
I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3
My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.
Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.
Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.
Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan
No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.
Diet
- 60% vegetables (as often as desired, no roots)
- 30% meat (preferably fish and skinless chicken)
- 10% fruit (specifically banana 30 min before cardio workouts)
- No dairy for now, and no grains.
- No preservatives.
- No supplements.
- 2 glasses of water before each meal, paced if necessary
- water with workouts
- stay well hydrated
- An hour of Yoga (he recommended the one from P90x)
- 20 minutes of intense cardio
- 20 minutes of weight lifting to muscle failure
- 10 pm bed time
- stay well rested for muscle regeneration and efficient calorie burn
That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.
I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.
I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.
I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.
I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3
My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Gone Fishing...
You guys were right. My husband really didn't know what he was saying. We had a few talks about it, some fights about it. I broke down and explained some of it. Hopes, fears, and laid out pretty much everything I'm into and dealing with about my weight, being skinny, having purged, fasting, what I do and where I'm headed.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
My Husband Is So Insensitive! Cruel even!
He wants a perfect wife. A trophy. 5 months ago he told me I am not his wife. I guess because I'm not the "me" that he wants. He complained that he has a fat wife. That shocked me into Ana. I would starve for him. He deserved the best right? I love him, I should at least give him that much. And if he doesn't appreciate me then, he doesn't deserve me. But maybe at this weight I deserve the truth. I'm fat.
I lost 20 lbs pretty much right away. Then I plateaued and slacked off. He was happier, so I was happier. But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near my best yet. So lately I've recommitted. I've been cutting cals aggressively, and now I'm fasting.
I've only eaten one meal and one snack in the last 5 days. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm a bit grumpy. Yes, my kitchen got messy. He doesn't know how dizzy I've been today. He has no idea. And I've slipped a bit at home, but I'm functional. I've taken the kids all over all week. I've cleaned the house, reorganized our room, kept things clean. I haven't complained.Tonight he asked about dinner and I asked him to make it since I'm fasting today, am totally starving, and have been dizzy all day (on my feet in 100 degrees out with my daughter and some friends most of the day).
He says thanks alot. He goes in the kitchen and then calls me. It's messy. This is ridiculous.
I come to help him out. Straighten out some dishes, clear the counters.
He gets upset there's stuff cluttering the bar.
I tell him I am not doing that now. There is too much stuff, yes it's mine, but I will take care of that later.
He puts me on the spot about it because I'm fasting. I shouldn't be if I can't keep up.
I tell remind him he wanted me to lose weight. I'm working hard on it, but it's hard.
He says you're doing it wrong. You should do it my way.
I say that my way I could lose 20 lbs in a month. (Not that I should, just that I could.)
He presses. Oh yeah? Give me a date. Tell me when you'll be done. 20 lbs in a month? Let's write that down!
I say no! I have no intention of losing that much that fast. I said I'd cap my months at 15 lbs just so I don't get sick or something.
He presses me again. How much?? How soon??? What can you do? I'm sick of your bullshit. Tell me now and I'll write it down.
I said I don't know, I was planning to do what I'm doing. Find out what my limits are so I can fast then only eat as much as necessary and fast again but remain functional. I tell him I'd planned on losing 10 to 15 lbs a month.
So he writes on MY whiteboard that I jot my goals on by the refrigerator. He writes October 26 - 153 lbs and circles it huge and dark, messing up my notes around it.
I swear I almost had a panic attack. I can't help crying thinking about it now. That's such a cruel thing to do! Tell me I'm wrong! It's bad enough I am pushing myself so hard, but having him push a weight loss date on me too?? I can't take it!!
I freaked out. We got in a huge fight. Then he basically told me to go to my room. We fought about it some more. I told him I understand he's annoyed I've fallen behind and he wants to know how long he has to put up with it. He yells at me some more about all of it.
I tell him fine! I can starve completely! Take that shit off my board, I'll just stop eating for a month. I don't need to eat anything! You want me to fucking hunger strike all the way immediately?? I don't have to pace it for health reasons, lets fucking go for broke so you can be happy sooner!
He said fine and asked me if I would leave now. Back to my room. I didn't go. So he started putting his shoes on to leave. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Not tonight.
I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to explain to him what he was saying was doing to me. He had no clue how mean and awful what he said was for me and he didn't care. I cried on the bed and said I'd stay in the room. Then I realized all this started when I wouldn't make dinner and do the dishes. So I got up and told him he could get out of the kitchen. I'd handle it. Dizzy and all.
I made dinner.
I cleaned the kitchen.
I didn't eat a bite and I hadn't used a dish I washed.
Am I being ridiculous? I'm so tired. I can't tell now if I'm crying because of that or because it really was as bad as it all feels.
I felt like telling him about my purge a couple weeks ago. I felt like telling him to hurt him. Fuck I felt like throwing up too. Nothing in my stomach to throw up anyway though. I'm so stressed out. I feel like shit. What does he want from me? There are a lot of other things I do in my life I don't talk about here for anonymity's sake. Let's just say that in addition to being a stay-home mom with a toddler, I work full time from home, and take care of the house, kids, and everything, and am trying to lose all this weight... so much more. I don't even feel like typing it because I hate complaining. I love my life. It just hard. And this is hard. It's hardest knowing I never live up to his standards. Lately I'm doing things my way and it works so much better. It's hard, but it works!
I don't know what else to say. I feel lost right now. I hate him for picking that fight with me. And I hate myself for not just getting up immediately and making dinner and cleaning. BUT I know it was not ridiculous for me to ask him to do it. It's the weekend. If he was at work all day, I wouldn't have done that, but he's been laying around watching movies all day and eating while I've been on my FEET ALL DAY AND STARVING FOR HIM!!
/sigh
:(
Fuck you Drama Llama... go fuck around in someone else's life. I like my life drama-free.
Comments......
Anagirlella - Yup I love mine too. Just hard sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion too! <3
Kazehana - Thanks for the advice! I definitely try to stick to veggie juice. I've noticed the sugar rush from fruit juice makes me binge later. You know... I know you're right about the starving. If I develop a bit of willpower I may be able to find that healthy middle ground. I just don't have it right now and I need to get skinny fast as humanly possible. I'll always do my best though.
Sam - I missed u too! <3<3 I may try the egg thing. That's a good idea. Eating just makes me want to eat though. Still, I may give that a shot... like 1 whole egg and 1 egg white or something.
Thx all u guys! <3
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Fasting Update
I've been fasting since 10 pm 9/21/10. Today is day 4.
Yesterday (day 3) I had a hard time remaining functional on mostly water and tea like the other days. I know in a true water fast you're supposed to be able to be still, rest, take some time off. I haven't been able to. I had to take my kids places, run errands, go to the pool, etc. I was also trying to exercise a bit days 1 and 2. So yesterday I was feeling a bit weak in my muscles and was starting to get a bit dizzy. It was about to become really unsafe for me to drive. Tried hanging out with friends last night but had to come home around 8 because I was too worn out and the world was swimming.
So last night I did break my fast a bit to eat something to keep me going. I didn't binge at all though. I'm very happy about that.
I had hot portobello broth with bean thread noodles over raw mushroom, onion, and celery with a bit of dry chicken noodle soup mix to make it taste better. Turned out around 408 calories. Kinda more than I wanted. Then before bed wasn't feeling better, so I decided to try and get some protein too and had 2 Morning Star Farms vegetarian sausage patties. 80 cals each.
At the end of the day yesterday I ate about 570 cals. Hmmm... Not thrilled with it. I should have stuck to my plan. I will continue fasting to October 1st though, and I'll add a bit of fruit juice into the equation if I have to. I was doing mostly water, maybe to be active I need to do more juice. The thing about fruit juice though is that there are so many cals, I'd be getting less if I was just freaking eating. :P Bah. I dunno.
Whatever. My world. My fast. My rules. Plus, this is something I am saying I'm going to do until October 1st, but really I'm going to do this as long as I can. Possibly to my goal weight. I want to find that sweet spot where I can continue to function but nearly never eat. Maybe like this, fast 3 days, eat 1 meal, then fast 3 days again. Who knows. I'm enjoying finding my limits. Exploring my body's abilities is fun and feels a bit like yoga. Body play, seeing what feels good, what hurts, and why... where is my breath and focus? I'm having a good time. Why stop?
The only down side is that I've only lost 1 lb. so far. Boo. I want it to come off faster. But I won't reevaluate that until at least this 10 day fast is done.
One adjustment I am going to make now is adding Carnitine back into my day. I think it may have made a big difference last time.
Fuck I can't get a minute to write this. my day is fucking starting off bad. I can't get a minute to think fucking reflect and figure my shit out! Unbelievable. I have like 3 people interrupting. All I want in my morning is to be able to wake up, stretch out a bit, get my calorie restriction head on straight, and check my email. No email for me this morning. I was lucky to have 5 minutes to write this much. FML
/sigh
love you all
Yesterday (day 3) I had a hard time remaining functional on mostly water and tea like the other days. I know in a true water fast you're supposed to be able to be still, rest, take some time off. I haven't been able to. I had to take my kids places, run errands, go to the pool, etc. I was also trying to exercise a bit days 1 and 2. So yesterday I was feeling a bit weak in my muscles and was starting to get a bit dizzy. It was about to become really unsafe for me to drive. Tried hanging out with friends last night but had to come home around 8 because I was too worn out and the world was swimming.
So last night I did break my fast a bit to eat something to keep me going. I didn't binge at all though. I'm very happy about that.
I had hot portobello broth with bean thread noodles over raw mushroom, onion, and celery with a bit of dry chicken noodle soup mix to make it taste better. Turned out around 408 calories. Kinda more than I wanted. Then before bed wasn't feeling better, so I decided to try and get some protein too and had 2 Morning Star Farms vegetarian sausage patties. 80 cals each.
At the end of the day yesterday I ate about 570 cals. Hmmm... Not thrilled with it. I should have stuck to my plan. I will continue fasting to October 1st though, and I'll add a bit of fruit juice into the equation if I have to. I was doing mostly water, maybe to be active I need to do more juice. The thing about fruit juice though is that there are so many cals, I'd be getting less if I was just freaking eating. :P Bah. I dunno.
Whatever. My world. My fast. My rules. Plus, this is something I am saying I'm going to do until October 1st, but really I'm going to do this as long as I can. Possibly to my goal weight. I want to find that sweet spot where I can continue to function but nearly never eat. Maybe like this, fast 3 days, eat 1 meal, then fast 3 days again. Who knows. I'm enjoying finding my limits. Exploring my body's abilities is fun and feels a bit like yoga. Body play, seeing what feels good, what hurts, and why... where is my breath and focus? I'm having a good time. Why stop?
The only down side is that I've only lost 1 lb. so far. Boo. I want it to come off faster. But I won't reevaluate that until at least this 10 day fast is done.
One adjustment I am going to make now is adding Carnitine back into my day. I think it may have made a big difference last time.
Fuck I can't get a minute to write this. my day is fucking starting off bad. I can't get a minute to think fucking reflect and figure my shit out! Unbelievable. I have like 3 people interrupting. All I want in my morning is to be able to wake up, stretch out a bit, get my calorie restriction head on straight, and check my email. No email for me this morning. I was lucky to have 5 minutes to write this much. FML
/sigh
love you all
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting
I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
xox <3
-=Elle
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
Nothing tastes this good:
xox <3
-=Elle
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thinspo vs Inspo
We aren't thin enough, so we're unhappy with ourselves. We self loathe to varying degrees individually and for widely varying reasons which includes our weight either as the cause or symptom of our other misery. We often try to harm ourselves through both eating and starving.
This is a problem.
If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?
I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)
I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?
lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.
I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).
But..
but...
BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.
Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.
I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...
xox
This is a problem.
If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?
I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)
I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?
lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.
I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).
But..
but...
BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.
Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.
I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...
xox
The Journal's New Clothes
I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.
It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.
I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...
Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.
I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)
Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3
Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox
It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.
I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...
Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.
I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)
Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3
Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lifted Fog & Smiling Seas
I'm feeling better now. Funny how everything changes when the hormonal nonsense goes away. I feel completely stable. I'm not worried about the purge anymore and think it's a bit silly I ever was. I haven't binged in 5 days that I can remember. I've decided to start taking notes on how long I can go without binging. Since it's just a small update, I'll put it up on my tumblr/twitter. Somehow looking at that number as a high score makes me feel more driven not to slip and binge.
I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.
I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.
Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.
I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....
Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.
Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.
I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.
I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.
Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.
I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.
Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Alligator Tears...
The story of the Mia girl Alita totally made me cry. The part that was a normal day in her life. I've watched this whole show so far without getting very bothered or emotional until now. Her day... her eating... omg :( X( the binge... That is the closest thing I've seen to how I have eaten much of my life. I didn't do the purge. I don't except for the one time. But the eating..... /cry I feel so sick and sad right now. That eating, the lack of control. That's what I'm fighting. 6 plates of food! Go watch that part... watch it if you want to know me. :( Not the purging, just the eating.
That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.
I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.
That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.
I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.
In Dreams
Last night I dreamt of a drawing I did a long time ago. It was of a nude woman, about a 6 on the fat skinny spectrum... with fat and curves, but beautiful. She was the concept of a real woman... just drawn in oil pastel and I piece of cardboard.
In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.
Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.
I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".
-= Comments =-
@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.
I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.
In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.
I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".
-= Comments =-
@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.
I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Comments - Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis
I wasn't going to make this a full post, but it was too long to put in the comments. Boo. :P
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.
Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.
First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.
I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.
If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.
Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.
I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.
Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.
First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.
I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.
If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.
Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.
I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.
I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone
Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
The Body Spectrum: Too Fat to Too Thin
The spectrum of weight... where do I want to be? Here's the scale from 10 to 0 in photo form:
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
0.
Right now I'm between 7 and 6... at least I am when you look at my tummy. I'm taller, but I gain in the middle, so if I have ANY fat, I have no curves... unlike girl 5 who despite being a bit heavy has a nice shape. I don't look like girl 5 until around 140 lbs. and I've never looked like girl 4. At 128, I was that skinny, but had no muscle and a bit of pudge in the tummy area.
I think I'd like to be anywhere from girl 5 to girl 3, but I'd NEVER want to be skinnier than girl 3. I think 4 would be ideal.
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
0.
Right now I'm between 7 and 6... at least I am when you look at my tummy. I'm taller, but I gain in the middle, so if I have ANY fat, I have no curves... unlike girl 5 who despite being a bit heavy has a nice shape. I don't look like girl 5 until around 140 lbs. and I've never looked like girl 4. At 128, I was that skinny, but had no muscle and a bit of pudge in the tummy area.
I think I'd like to be anywhere from girl 5 to girl 3, but I'd NEVER want to be skinnier than girl 3. I think 4 would be ideal.
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