Out of My Discomfort Zone

Still in Hawaii, and still loving it. Beautiful day after beautiful day pass here, full of activity, living, and usefulness. I'm truly happy here.

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY NEVER ENDING BATTLE WITH FOOD.

I was doing really well. Mostly raw. But the last couple days I've let slip and last night I was served breaded fish and rice pilaf from a box and ate it. :(((( I'm slowly sinking back into garbage mainstream eating because THAT is what my in-laws think is healthy and acceptable! It's not! Maybe I'm overreacting. It actually wasn't the last couple of days, it was just the one meal. But the temptation has been there for several days which is almost as bad! Maybe I should just let it go... just one meal of questionable food... But I can't. It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of wine!

I've worked so hard to fight my eating disorder, and constantly fight my lifelong dietary programming that tells me to stuff my face with factory produced rehash that is not real food. It is my responsibility to protect myself from packaged food industry and it's commercially brainwashed minions in the masses. I know. But it's hard having it in my face every day. This is even worse than when I was fasting and sticking to my diet in months past while still cooking for my kids. The food is even worse, and people are serving it to me almost constantly.

I've fought back by offering to make dinner. Serving fresh salads, veggie dishes, and steamed or grilled fish or chicken, or making sushi and soups. They love my dinners... but I think their cravings and bad habits freak out and kick in and then they fight back with fried foods, starches, and boxed meals... cereals and cookies... pasta pasta pasta. /sigh... :(

I need to get out of here. I'm more physically active than ever. This should be great for me, but my body needs beautiful food, healthy food for radiant, glowing, health and beauty. My body needs to be not only my temple but my sanctuary!

bah.

damn people are violating my sanctuary. I need better security. Gotta put in some cameras and alarm systems. ;)

Sorry about all the fussing. I'm just upset I'm dealing with this at all.

And the result:

I'm water fasting today. I'm thinking about fasting all week. What does that mean? I am shutting down and going back to the only thing I know I can do to battle my ED and that is my other ED. Am I relapsing? Regressing? Or am I just honestly hitting a reset button to recommit to the healthy pattern I've successfully maintained for a while? I don't know. I do know that I don't really trust myself. I also know that I can't talk myself out of it.

As this is my journal I must be completely honest and say that I'm punishing myself for what I ate for dinner last night. Breaded fish and pilaf. My penance is one full day of "Hail glass, full of water" and two days of "Our juice fast, thou art heaven..." My brain knows this is not the best example of behavior. My husband would probably insist on a different course correction. But he's not here. He's been gone for 2 of 3 weeks we knew we'd be without him this month. So oh well. Ideally I should be eating healthy, I know that. And I have been most of the time. Obviously I've slipped though and that is absolutely unacceptable. We all know I'd rather err on the side of starvation than on the side of poison/gluttony.

I'm sure this is just temporary. I'll get my day of water and couple days of juice fasting out of the way, feel better, and go back to enjoying my bowls of sunshine. Fresh fruit right off the trees in the morning, gorgeous green salads in the afternoon, and vivid vital veggies in the evenings! Yay! Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

NO PILAF EVER AGAIN! I REPENT!

-----Comments-----

Kazehana - I definitely agree on the importance of fats. Thats why I figured I'd stick with the naturally oily foods like salmon, avocado, and olives. I always opt for butter over margarine. Oh and I didn't give up oil entirely on my salads but I am trying avocado oil... so I get some of that every day. Besides my salads and sauces, I'm not getting much oil though because I'm not cooking much. No butter because I haven't been eating anything that cooks in or uses butter. I'm an avocado junkie though, so I'm probably ok on the oil front. :)