Being Constructive in the Face of Failure

Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.

Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.

I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.

I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.

Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.

What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh

More From Me On PMDD - tumblr 10/7/10

Other PMDD Posts....

I'm PMS Hide Your Knives!
(Hide ya kids, hide ya knives, and hide ya husbands cuz they PMSin' everybody up hea.<3)