Meet Ana Banana

I'm in my early 30's and married, with 3 kids. I drop tons between pregnancies, then yo-yo back when knocked up. Its always a fight.

I'm 5'10" and used to be 128 lbs. I got there from 150 after my mom died and I got into a new relationship I wanted to do well in. Pretzels, water, and crackers. Maybe a hot dog here and there. Plus running and walking every day. I was a bit tired at 128 and still looked a bit fat to me, but I was beautiful. I didn't think so then, but I see it now. If I could get back there, I'd love myself more this time and have way more fun. Hindsight is 20/20.

My bf, now husband loved me then. I think a quality of his love left his eyes as I gained. I gained because I wanted to have a baby more than I wanted to be thin. Every time my tummy puffed out a bit, I stupidly hoped I was pregnant. Then I'd eat for two. When I'd get my period, I'd fight the weight back down. Once I really had kids it was even harder. I wouldn't hurt my kids and picked up "really healthy" eating habits. Raw food, organic, and health food. Though I haven't eaten a cereal in 8 years, I did pick up processed carbs again during pregnancy and at 178 lbs, now I'm REALLY fat.

I've been with my husband for close to 14 years. He is having a hard time. Among other things he feels he deserves a thin, beautiful wife. He said some harsh things... I'm not his wife, that I somehow made his skin crawl. He's broken my heart in a lot of ways, but this is an all time low. What's worse is, this time he's not saying it to hurt me. Its just true.

So I can't do this anymore. I can't be fat anymore. Not for myself, him, or anyone else. I'm so busy with my kids. I'm a great mom and I love it, so I need to be careful not to hurt them. They keep me so busy its hard to think about myself at all, but I can't do this. I have to be thin again. I actually let people convince me I was healthy. That I should love myself. I'm sorry to say it, but that has gotten me nowhere. Periods of intermittent self-loathing and lack of love.

Don't get me started on other relationships in my life. I had a supermodel body and those who didn't know me (at work, school, etc) wanted to hate me. With those people, I had to be ugly to be loved. Well... fuck those people.

Fuck you everyone who was intimidated by me. Fuck you everyone who judged me without getting to know me. Fuck you everyone who was jealous and wanted to take me down a few notches because I was the sexy, slender, 6 foot (in heels) blond. I was humble, I was kind. If I make it back, this time I'll appreciate it... This time I'll flaunt it... This time I won't give it away.

This is my voyage. And so begins the Pirate Journal of Ana Banana. (Anita if you like.)