Not Ana, but Pro Ana

Anorexia: An eating disorder characterized by markedly reduced appetite or total aversion to food. Anorexia is a serious psychological disorder. It is a condition that goes well beyond out-of-control dieting. The person with anorexia, most often a girl or young woman, initially begins dieting to lose weight. Over time, the weight loss becomes a sign of mastery and control. The drive to become thinner is thought to be secondary to concerns about control and fears relating to one's body. The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating, often to a point close to starvation. This becomes an obsession and is similar to an addiction to a drug. Anorexia can be life-threatening.

Anorexia nervosa (AN) is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating. AN is a serious mental illness with morbidity and mortality rates as high as those seen in any psychiatric illness.

Is this Ana? I don't think so. I'm not out of control. I'm medically overweight. How can a fat person be Ana? Maybe that comes later. Maybe Ana preys on the weakness of the fat, helps them become a skeleton, but never leaves them. Is it an eating disorder or a self-image disorder?

I told my husband, we'll call him Jae, a few years ago, "I wish I had an eating disorder." He laughed and smiled at me and said, "Sweetie, you DO have an eating disorder."

You see, I eat. That's not Ana. I eat until I hurt. I've done it since I was a little kid. Never waste, clear your plate, people are starving somewhere in this world. If I have an eating disorder, it ain't Ana. I need it to be though. Don't tell me its dangerous. I know that. I'm not crazy. I'm willfull. If I'm flirting with disaster, it's disaster either way, and I'd rather be a skinny disaster than a fat one.

Part 2 - Body Image
Yeah... if it's the face of Ana that tells you that you are a worthless piece of lard, even when you're a "healthy" weight. Then yes, I've been there. And when I became a "healthy" weight and then overweight everyone told me it was ok. Life is about who you are, happiness, not how you look. Holy damn are they full of shit. Over the last 8 years my body image, which was already questionable at best, then totally in the toilet, took another dive. At 170 I couldn't even make love to my husband willingly or without coaxing because I hated inflicting my obese body on him no matter how much he said he loved me or thought I was attractive anyway. I used to be very sexually active, but that was when I felt I had something to offer. Since I haven't, it's been like a part of me was suffocating. Drown in fat.

When I was 128 I still was fatty. I barely wanted to be out in a bikini. Pudgy tummy. Yuck. But as gross as I felt I was then, I had much more confidence than I have now. I don't even look tall anymore. I'm not long and slender. I'm chunky. A 5'10 ogre like the ones I saw at the mall as a kid and swore I'd never be.

But at 178 I do understand that 128 was a godsend. I need to be her again. I'm sorry I called her names. I'm sorry I thought she was fat. Maybe it isn't Ana. Maybe I've learned my lesson and if I can discipline myself enough to get back to my darling 128 I'll treat her better this time. I'll do my best to appreciate her. Sometimes we don't know what we had until we lose it.

I'd put myself in the path of any punishment I need to to get my 128 back. I need to. I will play chicken with Ana if that is the only way I can do it. I'm smart. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be Ana. I know everyone says you can't use her like that. Its dangerous. Right now, danger is my middle name. I'm here to win, not here to fight fair. I'll hire a mercenary if I have to. These be pirate waters.

Will: You ignored the rules of engagement! In a fair fight I would have killed you.
Jack: Thats not much incentive to fight fair then, is it?
- Curse of the Black Pearl -