What A Wonderful World...

Sarcastic?
Sincere?
Both?

Yeah I'm usually both. How is that even possible? I have no idea. That's just me. I'm happy, cheerful, and miserable all rolled into one very strange storm of passionate personality.

I'm sleepy too. So why do I end up acting more hyper the more tired I am?

I'm a conundrum wrapped in a clusterfuck submerged in a mystery sprinkled with ridiculousness and neatly placed in a box of I-don't-give-a-shit.

Today is a Zag day. Little or no food. I've come to really prefer these days. I lost another pound. But I'm in a phase where it doesn't make me happy. The thrill has worn off. I mean, I'm glad I lost. But after losing so much and having so much more to go, I'm in that no-man's land of neither here nor there. I hate neither here nor there. It reminds me of when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old. Worst fucking years ever. When you're under 18 you're under-age fine. But between 18 and 20 you're an adult... but an adult that can't go to clubs, or drink. Lame. I'm not saying I didn't drink. But I wanted to club. Fucking in-between. Then you hit 21 and the fog lifts.

Well I'm still in the fog of weight loss. Everyone tells me I lost so much weight. I have a hard time replying graciously because I still disgust myself and feel like I have soooooo far to go. 20 lbs is nice, but I have 30 lbs more to go. I'm not even half way there yet, so let's not have any parties just yet.

But even if I'm down, I keep on because I have to. All that matters is the number on the scale. And I love my Zag days! <3<3<3 Sooooo much!! I've had about 150 cals today so far. Might have a salad later if I'm really hungry. NO PRESSURE TO EAT! Yay!!! XD See? THAT makes me happy. :)

The Zig days like yesterday are hard. I'm basically doing every other day, because it's easier to remember. Zig days I usually am WAY short on cals when dinner comes around and I freak out trying to think of ways to get enough calories to keep my body out of starvation mode. I've gone for popcorn or a tablespoon of peanut butter to beef up my calories without eating absolute garbage. Most of the day I just have fruit and veggies. I'm big on celery. I don't eat red meat anymore at all and almost never eat cheese... Sometimes I'll have a cup of Oat Milk for more cals.

A general Zig day menu is like this:

Breakfast: About a cup or less of granola, with half a cup or less of oat milk. (250 cals or so)

Lunch: A veggie salad with a bit of lettuce but chopped, shredded or julienne veggies. Maybe more like a slaw but without the sugary fatty dressing. I just dress it with salt and lemon juice, or vinegar and olive oil. (about 100 to 250 cals depending on the dressing 300 if I add avocado)

Pre-Dinner Panic: "omg I'm only at 500 cals and am supposed to finish the day between 1200 and 1500 cals!! wtf am I going to do?!?

Snack: A cup of oat milk. (110 cals... up to 610 total)

Dinner: broiled fish, stir-fried veggies still mostly raw, and maybe half a baked potato. TON of godddamn food. :P (about 500 cals... puts me barely at 1100 cals... still low.)

Post-Dinner Panic: "shit! shit! shit! I'm still fucking under! Shiiiiiiit!!!"

Usually that's where my day ends. I don't eat in bed anymore or snack after dinner usually. Yesterday I made popcorn with a ton of butter and nutritional yeast on it, but I didn't eat much. Still it probably bumped me up at least 100 cals. Or maybe I'll have a square of chocolate, or if I'm at my sister's house I'll have some brie and crackers. Those things put me up another 100 to 300 cals depending and then I might end the day where I should for it to actually be a Zig day.

I do not look at the scale at the end of a Zig day. In fact, I don't touch the scale in the morning after a Zig day. I don't want to know. I only weigh myself after a day or two of Zag days when I'm nice and empty.

It's working though. I dropped another stubborn ass pound even though I'm working out and gaining muscle.

In case you wanted to know, here's a few average Zag days:

Fasting. Period.

or

Water for breakfast, gum for lunch, and one small meal for dinner.

or

Water for breakfast, literally one or two bites of my kids food for lunch, a salad or 6 celery sticks or a couple bites of my kids' leftovers from dinner. No meals other than a salad maybe. (never more than 400 cals for the whole day... usually not even close.)

Those days suit me just fine. :) Like today. I'm not hungry. And since I've been raw again, no binges. Thank my lucky stars! I can't tell you how much easier (and less embarrassing) this all is without binge freak-outs. I think I only have one once a month when I pms and that is ALL. Hooray!

I know I've said it so many times, but if you really don't ever want to binge again, go low carb for two weeks like on Atkins induction, then go 80 or 90% raw. You won't binge. You won't even want to.

xox and more xxooxx :)