Reality Has Set In... FML.

I was looking at pictures of myself taken at different points over the last 15 years, and I realized something... I have such a long hard road in front of me.

I mean, in the old pictures, in the young ones I was skinny. But anything over the last 15 years, I either looked fat, or was fat... and am fat. I probably can't look good at anything over 130 lbs. at 5'10". God this is so difficult. I feel like crying... really. I ate today. It was a Zig day. I managed to get around 1500 calories. That is the most I've had in a long time. I'm so glad today is over. I think tomorrow and Friday I'm going to fast. I can't even bare the idea of the usual low 500 cal day. I want nothing. I deserve nothing. I've earned nothing.

My body is in a state of suffocating excess. I have another 20 lbs to lose before I deserve any consideration at all. I'm still floating around 164. Working out has fucked me like I knew it would. I am gaining as I'm losing. Yes, toning. Yes, it's good for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. I don't care. I don't care that my legs have more definition and my abs are firmer. I don't give a fuck because the scale still says 164 and it is confirmed by my naked body drowning in fat.

I shrunk sizes. I thought I'd be happier about it, but that is WHY I feel like crying. I'm just a smaller size of fat. Why did I do this to myself? How did I not notice I was packing on blubber like a manatee. I do not need the physique of an elephant seal! Where the hell was I when all this was going on?

So yeah. Things are great. I'm a smaller fat me. And I have been some shade of gross for the last 15 years. I have to undo 15 years of hateful damage. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. But no. I have to be consistent and fight....

haha Want to know something really funny? I couldn't quit if I wanted to. I feel broken and heartbroken right now... full of giving up... and I can't. I hate calories and my fat ass self so badly that I can't say fuck it all and hit the cherry ice cream I have in my freezer right now. I can't. Because all that I am wants to starve. Every bit of me.

I think I finally understand that feeling... that need for purity.
A clean empty body.
A body that isn't trying to ruin my life.
A body without food in it.

In the name of losing weight faster, I'll fight that feeling and make myself eat 3 days a week. But the other 4 days... those belong to me and Ana.

Together we are going to feast on our rage, and feast on our emptiness, and I will make room for this helplessness and sadness I'm feeling right now to literally eat away at that 15 years of fat and food abuse.

I need to make myself right.

God I hope I can, because after what I just saw, I feel like it will never happen. I just feel doom.

Sorry to be so gloomy... but if I can't tell you guys, who can I tell?

Gonna go to sleep now. 8 or more hours of sleep helps the body burn 30% more calories than a tired body.

<3 you. xox