Feast or Famine

For me, there is no middle ground.

I feasted for decades. It really showed. I could blame it on the babies I had, but that would be a plain old lie. 3 kids, and I never ended up weighing more than I started at by the end of the first year just naturally. It was the feasting. Stuffing. Gorging. Slamming food into me until it hurt and I was happy, only to do it again a couple hours later. It's a sickness. An illness of both mind and body. I'd probably say of souls too, but I'm still on the fence about if I believe we have them.

I did healthy, but still binged. I couldn't stop myself.

Then April 26th 2010, this year, something in me snapped. I've starved before once or twice for a year or two in times of extreme hardship. I have a good husband, so many friends... but the lack of love (no, not sex, believe me) in my life resulting from my weight, the lack of attention became very apparent.

Know thy enemy and know thy self.

I knew my enemy was my binge disorder... which meant my enemy was food. So I stopped eating, and began this blog. I am in a love affair with Ana. I've found I love starving. I lost weight. Everything was going so well for months. Then she turned on me too. My body well into starvation mode started plateauing and even gaining off nearly no calories. Starvation mode.

Shit! After all I went through. I want to be skinny more than anything else! So now, I have to eat to lose. Starving is so much easier! I can do feast, and I can do famine... but healthy? I'm having a very hard time with healthy. I'm not binging. That's not my problem now. haha Crazy... I can't believe over-eating isn't my problem for a change. Now my problem is eating. I don't want to.

When I eat the amount of calories I should... well ok, let's back up here. I DON'T eat the amount I "should"... never get there. When I eat an amount of calories closer to what I should, I feel like vomiting. Mind you, I'm not Mia. I physically have a hard time vomiting and may have only twice in the last 15 years, only if I drank too much. But eating now... ugh... I feel like dying. Probably why I don't binge. I don't think I can. I get 1/4th of the way there and get sick. Fuck the rest.

Feast or famine... FAMINE PLEASE!

So shit. I'm really into the zigzagging, but I don't think I can do minimum of 1300 cals like I "should." Not yet anyway. What I'm going to try is more like this:

Monday - 930
Tuesday - 820
Wednesday - 1876 (The year of Custer's last stand.)
Thursday - 820
Friday - 1580 (The year Michel de Montaigne first published his Essays.)
Saturday - 930
Sunday - 1718 (The year of Black Beard the Pirate's last battle.)

Holy shit. That 1876 cal day is going to be interesting. On the other hand, I'm also going raw, and I'm not sure how to get that many calories eating raw. Maybe dates, avocados, bananas, and mangos. Veggies sure as hell aren't going to get me there. Way to complicate things.

That's it, shake me up and let me roll. We'll see how it all turns out.

Oh, one more thing though... I will never give up sushi. I don't care what damn diet I'm doing. So there. ;)

xox


UPDATE
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Shit... this means I still need to eat about 400 more calories today! /sigh This is not going to be easy. Popcorn to the rescue? Wait... that's cooked. Shit. Well no one is perfect.