Here Today, Then Gone to Vegas

The moment is at hand.




With about $1000 dollars into my polish-up-this-bitch fund, I have all the makeup, clothes and accessories. But am I ready?

I guess I have to be. I didn't lose as much as I wanted to by now, but I have lost enough to shock people who haven't seen me in a while. Visiting with lots of friends and family I only see once or twice a year, so I should get a good response.

I also tried on my outfits to show my husband yesterday and on a couple of them I saw that look in his eye that I missed so much. It was that unmistakable look of lust. He also said he liked the dresses and that I looked so much better and would be perfect if I could just get 20 more lbs off. I say 30, but that's not the point. In fact, words aren't the point at all. The eyes don't lie. And his eyes said that I'm on the right track. The look flashed across his face twice. I remember when it used to be there 24/7. So I'm no where near my goal, but it is a really good feeling to know I'm headed the right direction and that it's working.

AND and and! He didn't even initially like the dresses. That means that they looked good on me specifically.

Also! (can you tell I'm excited? hehehehehe) I've been wearing makeup which I almost NEVER do, but I needed to practice for the trip. And when we were in a grocery store Saturday night stocking up on drinks for a party (which I later had a great time at and drank way too much) my sister Mei told me that my skin looked amazing and what did I do to look so pretty! :) XD Yay!! This is the gorgeous sister who is also incredible with makeup and is super skinny btw. She said she couldn't even tell that it was makeup! haha!

So I'm thrilled. I look like shit to me, but will appear MUCH thinner to others, have lost enough to have some of a waist line, and due to weight loss and makeup practice will have a pretty face. My hair is light and streaky blond. And it really doesn't hurt to be 6 feet tall in low heels.

I'm glad I get to hit Vegas with confidence... which is the sexiest quality of all.

I'd thank God if I was religious! Instead I'll thank you guys! Thank you! I love all of you. Without you, none of this would be possible. I'd still be as lost as I've been for years. We've done so much together, and will continue to. Every blog I read, every comment I read on my blog or someone else's, every tweet and post, every single name I follow or who follows me... We do all this together. hehe I could cry. God I'm such a sappy loser... hehehehe But really. No one else could possibly understand... not any of this. But we do. So I'll try not to feel lame for gushing my love and appreciation at you guys. I'm not that kind of person but all this is so different and can be such a mercilessly cold place when you're alone. I have a feeling you know what I mean.

Comments!

Kazehana - You are so right. You've already got her out classed and when you put it that way. That extra info sheds more light on your post too. hehehe You two looking like sisters is probably the sweetest justice. :) You definitely don't seem to have much to prove to her anymore.

Ariadne - In response to your comment on What a Wonderful World... That is a really good way of looking at it. :) Glad you liked the post.

Rio - I'm glad you got to check out those youtube vids. I am completely addicted to before and after pics and vids. They are the greatest thinspo to me.

What A Wonderful World...

Sarcastic?
Sincere?
Both?

Yeah I'm usually both. How is that even possible? I have no idea. That's just me. I'm happy, cheerful, and miserable all rolled into one very strange storm of passionate personality.

I'm sleepy too. So why do I end up acting more hyper the more tired I am?

I'm a conundrum wrapped in a clusterfuck submerged in a mystery sprinkled with ridiculousness and neatly placed in a box of I-don't-give-a-shit.

Today is a Zag day. Little or no food. I've come to really prefer these days. I lost another pound. But I'm in a phase where it doesn't make me happy. The thrill has worn off. I mean, I'm glad I lost. But after losing so much and having so much more to go, I'm in that no-man's land of neither here nor there. I hate neither here nor there. It reminds me of when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old. Worst fucking years ever. When you're under 18 you're under-age fine. But between 18 and 20 you're an adult... but an adult that can't go to clubs, or drink. Lame. I'm not saying I didn't drink. But I wanted to club. Fucking in-between. Then you hit 21 and the fog lifts.

Well I'm still in the fog of weight loss. Everyone tells me I lost so much weight. I have a hard time replying graciously because I still disgust myself and feel like I have soooooo far to go. 20 lbs is nice, but I have 30 lbs more to go. I'm not even half way there yet, so let's not have any parties just yet.

But even if I'm down, I keep on because I have to. All that matters is the number on the scale. And I love my Zag days! <3<3<3 Sooooo much!! I've had about 150 cals today so far. Might have a salad later if I'm really hungry. NO PRESSURE TO EAT! Yay!!! XD See? THAT makes me happy. :)

The Zig days like yesterday are hard. I'm basically doing every other day, because it's easier to remember. Zig days I usually am WAY short on cals when dinner comes around and I freak out trying to think of ways to get enough calories to keep my body out of starvation mode. I've gone for popcorn or a tablespoon of peanut butter to beef up my calories without eating absolute garbage. Most of the day I just have fruit and veggies. I'm big on celery. I don't eat red meat anymore at all and almost never eat cheese... Sometimes I'll have a cup of Oat Milk for more cals.

A general Zig day menu is like this:

Breakfast: About a cup or less of granola, with half a cup or less of oat milk. (250 cals or so)

Lunch: A veggie salad with a bit of lettuce but chopped, shredded or julienne veggies. Maybe more like a slaw but without the sugary fatty dressing. I just dress it with salt and lemon juice, or vinegar and olive oil. (about 100 to 250 cals depending on the dressing 300 if I add avocado)

Pre-Dinner Panic: "omg I'm only at 500 cals and am supposed to finish the day between 1200 and 1500 cals!! wtf am I going to do?!?

Snack: A cup of oat milk. (110 cals... up to 610 total)

Dinner: broiled fish, stir-fried veggies still mostly raw, and maybe half a baked potato. TON of godddamn food. :P (about 500 cals... puts me barely at 1100 cals... still low.)

Post-Dinner Panic: "shit! shit! shit! I'm still fucking under! Shiiiiiiit!!!"

Usually that's where my day ends. I don't eat in bed anymore or snack after dinner usually. Yesterday I made popcorn with a ton of butter and nutritional yeast on it, but I didn't eat much. Still it probably bumped me up at least 100 cals. Or maybe I'll have a square of chocolate, or if I'm at my sister's house I'll have some brie and crackers. Those things put me up another 100 to 300 cals depending and then I might end the day where I should for it to actually be a Zig day.

I do not look at the scale at the end of a Zig day. In fact, I don't touch the scale in the morning after a Zig day. I don't want to know. I only weigh myself after a day or two of Zag days when I'm nice and empty.

It's working though. I dropped another stubborn ass pound even though I'm working out and gaining muscle.

In case you wanted to know, here's a few average Zag days:

Fasting. Period.

or

Water for breakfast, gum for lunch, and one small meal for dinner.

or

Water for breakfast, literally one or two bites of my kids food for lunch, a salad or 6 celery sticks or a couple bites of my kids' leftovers from dinner. No meals other than a salad maybe. (never more than 400 cals for the whole day... usually not even close.)

Those days suit me just fine. :) Like today. I'm not hungry. And since I've been raw again, no binges. Thank my lucky stars! I can't tell you how much easier (and less embarrassing) this all is without binge freak-outs. I think I only have one once a month when I pms and that is ALL. Hooray!

I know I've said it so many times, but if you really don't ever want to binge again, go low carb for two weeks like on Atkins induction, then go 80 or 90% raw. You won't binge. You won't even want to.

xox and more xxooxx :)

If I Can't Be Me, Who Can I Be?

I feel better this morning.

I'm glad to be water fasting today. Anyone with me?

So I have to switch up my identity on here again. I think I'm having a fictitious identity crisis. lol AnnabellaGamble is way too long on twitter. So I'm changing it again. Plus I'm shelfing my Annabella's Identity Crisis blog for now anyway.

Just so everyone knows, I'm just shortening it all down to Elle. Ah simplicity. Not so many letters. It's a skinnier name. :) So there it is. Wow, I feel so much better already.

Love,

Elle
(aka AnaBanana ;)

Reality Has Set In... FML.

I was looking at pictures of myself taken at different points over the last 15 years, and I realized something... I have such a long hard road in front of me.

I mean, in the old pictures, in the young ones I was skinny. But anything over the last 15 years, I either looked fat, or was fat... and am fat. I probably can't look good at anything over 130 lbs. at 5'10". God this is so difficult. I feel like crying... really. I ate today. It was a Zig day. I managed to get around 1500 calories. That is the most I've had in a long time. I'm so glad today is over. I think tomorrow and Friday I'm going to fast. I can't even bare the idea of the usual low 500 cal day. I want nothing. I deserve nothing. I've earned nothing.

My body is in a state of suffocating excess. I have another 20 lbs to lose before I deserve any consideration at all. I'm still floating around 164. Working out has fucked me like I knew it would. I am gaining as I'm losing. Yes, toning. Yes, it's good for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. I don't care. I don't care that my legs have more definition and my abs are firmer. I don't give a fuck because the scale still says 164 and it is confirmed by my naked body drowning in fat.

I shrunk sizes. I thought I'd be happier about it, but that is WHY I feel like crying. I'm just a smaller size of fat. Why did I do this to myself? How did I not notice I was packing on blubber like a manatee. I do not need the physique of an elephant seal! Where the hell was I when all this was going on?

So yeah. Things are great. I'm a smaller fat me. And I have been some shade of gross for the last 15 years. I have to undo 15 years of hateful damage. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. But no. I have to be consistent and fight....

haha Want to know something really funny? I couldn't quit if I wanted to. I feel broken and heartbroken right now... full of giving up... and I can't. I hate calories and my fat ass self so badly that I can't say fuck it all and hit the cherry ice cream I have in my freezer right now. I can't. Because all that I am wants to starve. Every bit of me.

I think I finally understand that feeling... that need for purity.
A clean empty body.
A body that isn't trying to ruin my life.
A body without food in it.

In the name of losing weight faster, I'll fight that feeling and make myself eat 3 days a week. But the other 4 days... those belong to me and Ana.

Together we are going to feast on our rage, and feast on our emptiness, and I will make room for this helplessness and sadness I'm feeling right now to literally eat away at that 15 years of fat and food abuse.

I need to make myself right.

God I hope I can, because after what I just saw, I feel like it will never happen. I just feel doom.

Sorry to be so gloomy... but if I can't tell you guys, who can I tell?

Gonna go to sleep now. 8 or more hours of sleep helps the body burn 30% more calories than a tired body.

<3 you. xox

Manic Moment

If you were looking for the usual lengthy and articulate post, look much further because this one isn't it.

I'm pissed.

My brain is pissed, I'm tired, and even my stomach is pissed.

I don't know how to cope with myself anymore. I need sleep. I'm sick of having 3 or 4 people working against everything I do.

I'm tired.

isn't she lovely......

I'm in love with her...

... isn't she great?

I heart her so. She's my picture of the perfect woman. A mom, loving family woman, humanitarian, absolutely stunning and thin, beautiful inside and out, and she does her own stunts!

My Hero.

<3<3<3
<3<3
<3

P.S. Is it just me or has the Ana bloggie world gotten unnervingly quiet lately? I'm starting to worry about people.

Joy!!! What a nice change of pace...

I'm sick... I'm on the rag... I have a few reasons for not feeling great, yet what is this happiness erasing all my woes?

I went shopping. Which I also usually hate.

Hate the crowds.
Hate too much advertising.
Hate looking fat in those mirrors under awful lighting.

Well I got a very pleasant surprise yesterday. I went to buy some clothes for this event I have this month, and found that I'm...

A SIZE 10!!

Ok ok ok... I know this might not be the greatest thing to all you damn skinnies out there. But listen. I don't remember the last time I was a size 10. Seriously. Had to be more than 10 years ago. AND at 5'10" a size 10 ain't bad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a fat bitch, and look like a partially deflated fat-balloon. I'm 20-30 lbs away from being anywhere decent. So we're not popping any bottles of Dom just yet.

But the clothes I got made me look SKINNIER! And hehehehehe ... size 10.

Did sizes get larger when I wasn't looking though? I mean, in January I was almost a 16, then by April made it back down to 14 (which I've mostly been the last 10 years), then to a 12 a couple months ago. But 10??? I'm way fat to be a size 10! But I got size 10 jeans at Gap, and two size 10 dresses at Bloomingdales. I did get one size 14 dress, but that was so it could fit my giant boobs (which have not shrunk yet AT ALL...size 36D. though the size 36 band is also a new development).

I treated myself to a special celebration of eating almost nothing! Had half a chinese chicken salad, giving most of the chicken to my kids, and later had a small serving of veggie nachos without cheese. Oh wait... I did have some wine. Probably a 700 cal day then I guess. I think I'll starve today though. I'm so happy!

Shrink shrink shrink!

Still struggling with the Zig days.

-----------------------------------------
Zig
Definition: A higher cal Zigzag day.

Zag
Definition: A lower cal Zigzag day.

Usage: "Holy shit, I gained 5 lbs at my Grandma's over the weekend! She made me Zig when I needed to Zag."
or "Guess I Zigged when I should have Zagged, I'm so water fasting tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------

Zigging and doing it in a healthy (raw or whole foods) way is still really hard for me. It's a two fold problem.
1. It's just hard to eat.
2. If you eat healthy foods, you have to eat a bit more to get the nutritious calories.
It's so much easier to bump up the cals for the day by eating a slice of pizza, but that is the wrong stuff. Just try getting that many cals eating salad. blech. So I'm getting more fish, and avocados for the zig days.

Maybe zig days will be my sushi/sashimi days. I have no problem getting enough cals from sushi. The rice isn't ideal, but sushi is something I will never deny. :)

anyway...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

YOU ARE WHY I MADE SIZE 10 <3333

And with all of you I know I'll make size 8 and then 6 too!

xox

House of Thinspo: It's Richard Warren Night

Some of us play with toys...

Some of us are the toys...

<3'spo
xox

Busy Burning Day

Tonight's Patron Saint of Skinny
Ana Claudia Michels

Now More About Me (teehee)

Got up early this morning, went for a mile walk then hit the gym. No 500's today, but I guess I did alright.

I was almost to 45 min and hadn't hit 400 cals yet. I blame it on the fact that I was sick. But I started to freak out! I need at least 400 if not more than 500 or wtf am I doing in there anyway. So I ended hard. I might have looked crazy. I didn't care how out of breath I was either. I was gonna get that 400. As you can see, I overshot it a bit.

Now... if only I could be consistent.

Still trying to eat. And it's still hard. Don't call it recovery. I don't give a fuck about recovery, ED's, diagnosis, advice, or fuck-all. All I care about is the number on the scale. I don't care about tired, or my excuses, or how long I do what. The only thing that matters is that number. So if I have to eat, I'll cram shit in my face. I'm determined, can you tell? Still sux though. Zigzag bitches, zigzag.

That's how my sister Mei got so infuriatingly skinny. She models you know. :P Looks absolutely great. But she's not the skinny build in the family, oddly I should probably be the thinnest. >>P What did Mei do?

SHE ZIGZAGGED!!

She suggests not eating every meal. Some days she hardly eats at all, a few times a week she eats 3 meals. She doesn't eat meat other than seafood. And when she does eat, she eats the richest, fat packed food she can find. Not a lot of sugar, but I think she eats more butter than anyone I've seen in my life. Something her style would be like eggs, veggie bacon, and toast for breakfast, homemade mac and cheese for lunch, and some butter soaked fish dish with a completely loaded baked potato for dinner... and popcorn for a snack. BUT only a couple times a week. The rest of the time, little bits, popcorn maybe, or nothing.

Well anyway, I'm not sure I can do what she does, but I'm trying.

Ok, gotta go watch some movies with my honey. Love you girls!! Keep skinny and strong! <3 xox

Feast or Famine

For me, there is no middle ground.

I feasted for decades. It really showed. I could blame it on the babies I had, but that would be a plain old lie. 3 kids, and I never ended up weighing more than I started at by the end of the first year just naturally. It was the feasting. Stuffing. Gorging. Slamming food into me until it hurt and I was happy, only to do it again a couple hours later. It's a sickness. An illness of both mind and body. I'd probably say of souls too, but I'm still on the fence about if I believe we have them.

I did healthy, but still binged. I couldn't stop myself.

Then April 26th 2010, this year, something in me snapped. I've starved before once or twice for a year or two in times of extreme hardship. I have a good husband, so many friends... but the lack of love (no, not sex, believe me) in my life resulting from my weight, the lack of attention became very apparent.

Know thy enemy and know thy self.

I knew my enemy was my binge disorder... which meant my enemy was food. So I stopped eating, and began this blog. I am in a love affair with Ana. I've found I love starving. I lost weight. Everything was going so well for months. Then she turned on me too. My body well into starvation mode started plateauing and even gaining off nearly no calories. Starvation mode.

Shit! After all I went through. I want to be skinny more than anything else! So now, I have to eat to lose. Starving is so much easier! I can do feast, and I can do famine... but healthy? I'm having a very hard time with healthy. I'm not binging. That's not my problem now. haha Crazy... I can't believe over-eating isn't my problem for a change. Now my problem is eating. I don't want to.

When I eat the amount of calories I should... well ok, let's back up here. I DON'T eat the amount I "should"... never get there. When I eat an amount of calories closer to what I should, I feel like vomiting. Mind you, I'm not Mia. I physically have a hard time vomiting and may have only twice in the last 15 years, only if I drank too much. But eating now... ugh... I feel like dying. Probably why I don't binge. I don't think I can. I get 1/4th of the way there and get sick. Fuck the rest.

Feast or famine... FAMINE PLEASE!

So shit. I'm really into the zigzagging, but I don't think I can do minimum of 1300 cals like I "should." Not yet anyway. What I'm going to try is more like this:

Monday - 930
Tuesday - 820
Wednesday - 1876 (The year of Custer's last stand.)
Thursday - 820
Friday - 1580 (The year Michel de Montaigne first published his Essays.)
Saturday - 930
Sunday - 1718 (The year of Black Beard the Pirate's last battle.)

Holy shit. That 1876 cal day is going to be interesting. On the other hand, I'm also going raw, and I'm not sure how to get that many calories eating raw. Maybe dates, avocados, bananas, and mangos. Veggies sure as hell aren't going to get me there. Way to complicate things.

That's it, shake me up and let me roll. We'll see how it all turns out.

Oh, one more thing though... I will never give up sushi. I don't care what damn diet I'm doing. So there. ;)

xox


UPDATE
------------------------------------------
Shit... this means I still need to eat about 400 more calories today! /sigh This is not going to be easy. Popcorn to the rescue? Wait... that's cooked. Shit. Well no one is perfect.

ZigZag Diet Calculator!

Very cool calorie calc! It even gives you a zigzag plan!
http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm#

I just calculated mine!


Oh ok. I see.

To maintain fat-ass weight, I need about 14,630 calories per week. -- Fuck that. Moving on...

For weight loss, I need about 11,705. -- No, but getting better.

For extreme fat loss, I need about 9,579. -- Seems like they don't want to go lower than 1312/day in order to avoid starvation mode.

Hmm... I'll have to think about all this. Good stuff! More on this soon. A plan is forming...

Monday Posty Mosty!

Hi!

Hello you! I missed you. If you're reading this and have a blog, you should know that I read your blog too as often as I can. And I love you. Every single one of you. Our struggle can be such a lonely one, but as long as we have each other, we're never alone. Someone somewhere understands you. Doesn't that feel good? I know it helps me.

Love,

Annabella aka AnaBanana


And on to the bloggin'!

I lost some more weight. Yay! My fasting too much caused my weight to jump up. I was carrying water. Freaked me out. Then I'd bounce down for a day and then back up. Yuck. Really freaked me out. I was almost puking from sheer stress.

BUT!!

I grudgingly took sushicatny and my own advice and increased my calories to around 800-1200. I am going to crunch some numbers and get it exact, but there REALLY is something to this zigzag stuff. You just have to zigzag in and out of restriction. Dip low enough to barely be starvation cals, and back up to low but healthier range cals.

We are also finally going raw again. The whole family. The kids might get rice or potatoes sometimes, but mostly we'll all be raw. I gotta hit my books for inspo again.

I have:




I've been raw most of the last 4 days and in that time, my weight dropped down from the 4 lbs I inflated then lost then gained again, plus I dropped 2 more lbs. Thank goodness!

Been drinking lots of pure coconut water, and eating veggies or raw fish.

I have to admit, it's definitely been challenging to eat. And binging is still dangerous. I haven't been doing this long enough to cure my binges. But if I get all the bad food out of the house, I'll have nothing dangerous to binge on. How much damage can you really do binging on celery or fennel bulbs? Not much.

So far today I've had one and a half apples (for breakfast).

Gotta go figure out what veggie will be for lunch now.

I'll keep reporting back on my progress! <333 xox

SUSHICATNY! Must see!! READ THIS!

Have I been living under a rock? Why have I never heard of SushiCatNY???? She does a weight loss video blog.

Began at 210 lbs...


Then she went on a 30 day water fast, this is day 15...


This is day 30...


Then several months later she discovered (like I have recently) that fasting is counter productive and can make you fatter. >PPPPP (fucking hell) Causes edema, the body taking on water, bloating, etc. Yuck.


Then she moves on to zigzag dieting (between 1200 cals and 2000).


I guess it worked, because 5 months later...


And 3 months later...


The finale...

She basically zigzagged without going quite into starvation mode and danced in her room a lot. Nice. The talking is boring but the results and her awesome drive speaks for itself.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sushicatny

Amazing. I love it. <3 xox

Skinny Chef is Skinny!

Never take food advice from a fat chef. lol But check these girls out! I guarantee you that they only get moderate to light exercise. What do they do? Just raw whole food.

Check out the thinspo cooking show! ;)



How many calories do you think are in that plate of two wraps? 100? Less? <3 Why do you think they're so skinny! Raw is all the vitamins to be radiant, and the fewest calories.

God... this is what I should be doing. Why am I not doing this? I know I should be!

It's time to recommit to a raw lifestyle. If I love myself, if I really want to be thin and gorgeous, I'll do it.

Good Morning Demarchelier Thinspo!

It's 7:00 am, do you know where your fat is?

(no, that is not my actual heart rate.
and i finished out the workout at just over 500 cals burnt. yay!)


And Now Your Morning Thinspo
Viva Patrick Demarchelier!

(I want this one hanging on my wall. Beautiful.)

4th of July and Summer Thinspo

Stars and Stripes Baby

Summer Sublime

Yarr...