Fuck!.............. :( :( :(

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Why don't my outsides match my insides? Why is my body not the image of me that I have in my head?

Then I wonder why people don't treat me how I would. I wonder why people don't treat me as well as they should.

Its because they've never seen inside me. No one ever sees inside any of us. They see what is on the outside. They see our body language, our expressions... the things we show them PHYSICALLY!

If I don't look like the person I am inside, people are not going to see it physically. I remember what it looked like. I remember reading their faces, bodies and manners when I was thin. I remember what it looked like. I feel like fucking crying right now, I swear to god. I want that back! I remember what love looked like. Lust. Getting checked out is one thing, but I've been cherished... and I'm not. Appreciated, yes, cherished, no. I'm no longer a show-stopper.

Inside me I'm a bad-ass. I'm smart, funny, caring, loving, well-read, creative, witty, and fan-awesome-goddamn-tastic! And I look like shit... so it doesn't matter.

That leaves me to be the only one who loves me in a very pure and complete way. I'm too fucking fat for anyone else to meet me at 100%.

I don't know if I'm ranting and making no sense at all but I'm really fucking upset right now. I have the evening to myself. Nothing happened. Just when I have time to myself I have time to think. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm going out. Fuck all this shit. And I've plateaued. I'm going out to break that fucking plateau.

Going to up my workout schedule... not that I've had much of one.

I'm also cutting the fucking carbs back out. I've fallen into that trap I've warned so many of you loved ones about. Don't add crap calories from foods that are bad for you. But I've done it lately. Fucking hypocritical trap. I mean, if I've only had 350 cals, I can have a cookie and still be under 500 cals right? Fuck that fucking plateau creating shit! No goddamn carbs unless they're from raw, whole foods.

God even I hate myself right now. Hate. I loathe my failures in will power. And I absolutely despise what I've let myself become and the fact that I did let it happen. I let it all go. I had it and lost it. Why? Fat-ass fucking complacency. I was happy. I was naive. I deserved a fucking smack across the mouth.

Ok. I'm out. I'm sorry to vent like this, but if I can't say it here.... I don't know. I need to say it somewhere.

I love you all though. I hope you are doing better than me right now. Stay strong and keep loving yourself. You deserve to be as amazing as you can imagine yourself.

<3

Dear Oh Fucking Dear, Plateau!

I don't need this right now. Things were going so well. I loved touching 165 lbs. I needed it! But all I did was touch it, and as I mentioned before, now my weight loss has stalled. Not just stalled, crept up HIGHER.

I did have a lot of salt, and knew I'd bloat... and I did. But I thought that would be the end of it. But here I am this morning at 168!!! Yesterday was 167.

I did eat over the weekend, but I didn't go over 1000 calories on either day. Probably more like 800-ish.

Panic.

PANIC.

PANIC!!!

This is not ok. Not at all. I looked back into my Tap&Track iPhone app where I've dutifully logged all my calories, and weight for the last several months. As far as I can tell, I eat less calories than ever. I think this must be the "starvation mode" that everyone talks about. And where ZigZagging works, I think even my Zigs are being interpreted as Zags since both types of days are below 650 calories most of the time. I think Zigs are supposed to be around 1200 cals (from what I've read). I couldn't do it though. That's so much food and every time I got close to eating that much I thought I'd puke or explode.

According to my Tap&Track, I lost the most weight when my daily limit was around 800 or 900 for a week and then I'd fast for about 5 days. My weight would fluctuate up and down, but it was still a steady loss weekly. It would go down, down, up, down, down, down, up, down, down.

I think I have to go back to that, but I have a problem. I'm not very good at 800-900 cal days anymore. I've been searching for the perfect 300 cal day and do well at it. :( Those need to stop on a regular basis and go into the category of Fasting Days. >P >P >P

I don't like any of this one bit. Way to start my week... Hello Monday.

Less Loss..... but why??

I think it's because of sleep! You burn 40% more calories if you get enough rest. I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL this week. I haven't lost a pound in about a week and a half and am kinda bobbing up and down 4 lbs. Grr....

Need to plan in more sleep! I also collected a whole bunch of good tips for burning extra calories. See 30 Ways To Burn More Cals! at Pro-Ana Optimal.

Today was an eating day. Sometimes I find that when my weightloss stalls, eating for a day will get it to drop below the stubborn pound. Today is about a 1000 cal cay. I just can't bring myself to go up to 1200... so I hope this is enough.

Fat Burn Zones, Fat Bitches, and Fat Shots of Vodka

This is really a post for Pro-Ana Optimal... Oh well. I'll post it over there. A clean one. This post I'll fuck up with tales of how much I drank last night. Let's put it this way, I had a really good time, and slept really well last night. There was a bit of drunken tweeting under the wrong account, but wtf. It could happen to anyone. lol I <3 vodka and it loves me. I swear I feel better this morning AFTER drinking than I did yesterday before.

I saw a lady in the park yesterday. She was throwing an obnoxious squeek ball for a cute little dog. The lady must have been at least a hundred pounds overweight. My first thought was, "Lady, you should be the one chasing that ball." Seriously. That lady needs to find her fat burning zone.

Speaking of fat burning zones, you can burn up to 30% more fat using the right heart rate. This chart shows MY customized fat burning zone and other heart rate info.

I mean, if you're going to work your ass off, this is the best way to get that ass off. Go here to get your heart rate zones calculated, if you don't know already.

"Call it sickness call it madness call it obsession i don't care i still call it perfection" - Thinspoella

<3<3<3

P.S. Titania or anyone else interested, if you want to put the Pro-Ana Optimal banner on your own site, that is completely good with me. :) Enjoy!

A Perfect Calorie Day!

"You're mad, bonkers, off your head... but all the best people are." -Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Today was a perfect calorie day, and I swear to god I'm not going to fuck it up with a binge tonight!

Breakfast - A starfruit - 38 calories
Lunch - NOTHIN' :)
Dinner - A rice cake spread with olive tapenade, mashed potatoes, and half a tomato. - 256 calories

After dinner, I felt like my stomach was going to explode. That is such exciting news for someone who normally can't stop eating until it hurts. After so much restricting, it hurts much sooner. Yay! 'Course then I hated myself for eating so much. I really wanted only the rice cake with the tapenade. :P But once I start eating, it's so hard to stop.

That puts me at 294 for the day. Perfect. I swear I won't mess it up this time.
<3<3

Movie night! ttyl my loves!

Calorieeeeees BEGONE! & new blog

Sorry I've been so bad about posting lately. I'm a crazy person and I do too many things. My life here is pretty much the MOST important thing though because it affects everything else. I'm not going anywhere, but my posts have been lesser due to life. My apologies.

Day before yesterday was about a 350 cal day. Yesterday was about an 800 cal day. ZiggyZaggy baby! :)

Today I had a starfruit for breakfast... 38 cals. We'll see how the day goes.

I've enjoyed blogging here so much I decided to start another blog. My Pirate Journal is just about proAna and staying on track... supporting you <333 and staying strong and focused. I found there is so much more I want to talk about too, but I don't want to bury my ED battle here, so I started this...

...for all the stuff in the rest of my life. My weight battle will be part of that one too for sure, but it will be part of the bigger picture. I won't post calorie counts or strategies and stuff there. That is for here. Ana and all the Annies come first! :)

How To Make Miso Soup

Titania wanted to know how to make Miso Soup.

That all depends on what you use. There are packages of powdered miso soup mix you can get in the store. You basically add 8 ounces of hot water and stir those.

If you are making real miso soup, which I do fairly often too, you need more ingredients.

Miso Paste - There are many different kinds, so you'll have to try some until you find what you like. Most japanese restaurants use shiro miso or white miso paste. That is what I normally use.

Dashi Broth - Dashi is the bland soup base that miso paste is mixed into to make miso soup. There are several ways to get dashi broth. The easiest way are powdered mix that you can get at any asian (or japanese) market. There are MSG-free dashi mixes, or dashi no moto which is MSG based... tastes great, but not so good for you. I get an MSG-free version. One box of dashi mix lasts me a very long time. From scratch, dashi is actually a mild bonito (dried tuna) and kombu (kelp) broth.

Flavorful Garnish - There are variations of flavorful garnishes that make the soup more beautiful and tasty. The most popular of these are silky tofu cubes, green onion, and sometimes shredded nori (paper seaweed). These ingredients would be cut and placed in the bowl, with the hot broth poured over them to retain their shape and freshness.

So to make a cup of real miso soup, you would heat up about 16 ounces of water, add the appropriate measurement of dashi mix, simmer, then reduce the heat and add a tablespoon or two of your favorite miso paste. It should cloud the water, but not thicken the soup. Then pour over your garnish ingredients in your bowl. Miso itself should not be boiled, so the only boiling should take place when heating the original dashi broth.

I hope this has helped! :)

Am over my blog's identity crisis...

I changed the look of my blog for a while. I liked it but it freaked me out. I like my journal dark and seedy. They are my inner thoughts and feelings... so the gears and fog are very appropriate. Plus, I think I'm coming out... and starting another blog. Not just my proAna life, but the rest of my life. To do that, though, I think I may need to unveil myself... fuck. I love my anonymity. Hmmm... Oh well. It will definitely be less anonymous..................shit.

Well we all have to grow up and own up sooner or later. So here goes...

Liquid Fasting with OhMyGosh

"Mommy, make me food!"

"Mom, I'm hungry!"

"Mom, do you want me to starve or something?!"

No, but I want to starve or something and it's very hard to do when I'm cooking all the time! My oldest made their own breakfast. I had a shot of liquid carnitine and a glass of water. Made my younger kids sandwiches.

Then I had a bite of sunflower sprouts, took my System Six (weight loss supplement) and got started baking some bread for the kids for later today.

Ok, so it's not a perfect liquid fast, but I have to use about 4 cups of sprouts before they go bad. I'm not throwing my money away. So other than those sprouts, I'm on the OhMyGosh-End-Of-June-Fastravaganza!

From OhMyGosh:

Liquid fast is approaching for the end of June. Starting after your Father's Day cookout, here are the things you can consume:

Allowed
Juice
popcycles
jello
water
diet soda
gum
black coffee

Not Allowed
milkshakes
smoothies
fancy coffees

Sunday night through Thursday night - got any questions?

Well, I don't drink juice... frankly my 4 cups of sprouts have less cals than 1 cup of juice... unless it's carrot or v8. And I don't drink soda... not even diet. Hmm... and no coffee. So my Allowed List looks more like:

Allowed
Juice miso soup
popcycles chicken bullion broth
jello
water
diet soda tea
gum
black coffee liquid carnitine ;) ... hey it's a liquid. lol
and sprouts with lemon juice (131 cal total over the next day or two)

Sounds like a plan. The fast is until thursday, but I think I may just round off the week and go until friday.

And on that note... I smell shit. Time to go change a diaper.

Missing In Action & Mid Summer

Where am I guys? I'm so sorry I haven't been here posting. And I can't. Soooooooooooo much work to do.

I love you all and miss you. I think of you all the time.

I hardly ate all weekend, and when I felt hungry or a bit light headed I'd think of you and smile and have a glass of water. :) Then I got back to work.

And last night I had the first and worst binge in a month. I was so close to running into the bathroom to give it my best try at purging... but my husband was right in the room with me and I don't think his support and patience with my proAna life extends to Mia. So I suffered. And as I suffered I thought of you guys... and missed you.

The binge was on vegetable soup with dumplings... so it could have been worse and it did pass quickly, but I still felt like dying at the time.

I have so much to do still. I've been setting up my new apartment. Building new furniture and organizing my stuff. A major goal is to create a really good, inspiring, and functional workspace for myself and family. It's taken all weekend and some help from Kit and Mei. What a zoo.

My breakfast of choice lately is a shot of liquid Carnitine and a glass of water.

Lunch is gummy vitamins, and some more water.

Dinner has been a half or quarter serving of whatever I make for the family. This seems to work out pretty well for me.

Ooh it's Midsummer! I love nature holidays... :) They bring out the pagan in me who just wants to dance around bonfires all night. Not that I'm pagan. I'm not pagan, not christian, not atheist... I'm just me. But I love holidays. I pick up holidays from any religion if I think it sounds like fun. Nature holidays are easy though because the celebrations make sense. Midsummer... its the middle of the summer. Rad lets have a party. Better than Easter. I never got Easter. Jesus died, and some guys 1,500 years ago claim someone really did see him floating away to heaven on a cloud, so we get together, hide colorful eggs, and each chocolate. wtf? Yeah. Its just not for me. So I celebrate the Spring Equinox. It's spring time! So we do spring things! Like decorate baskets to look like warm grassy meadows, with nests and new born baby animals in it, and may flowers all around it. Makes more sense to me.

But back to Midsummer! Where's my bonfire...... Is this the one where everyone is supposed to have sex for 24 hours straight? Or was that May 1st? Better to be safe than sorry... muhuhahaha! ;)

Thinspo in a Boyfriend Pant

Pant.

Pant.

Pants.

I just like the word pants. I like that it can be clothing, or a slang for something bad. I've adopted it completely. "That's pants!"


Look at Miss Skinny Pants. :)


One last look before she disappears...

I'm still here. But I'm disappearing pound by pound... every week. It is working. I will be skinny. I will be sexy. When I get there I may decide to become a nudist because I look so incredible. I should either be nude or wear only the most amazing clothes.

And if I eat... if I do... I promise, I won't be doing it at this place:

Once Upon A Family... Back to Modern History

So Kit and Mei... my sisters... have begun a family intervention of sorts. Not for my diet, but for the sake of our sisterhood. We are now having Sister Nights once a week where we get together and work on positive and productive things. We are not allowed to fight or even bitch about anything. I didn't want to because I really didn't want anything to do with them right now. I'm deep enough in the dark... But I feel like there might be some light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm giving it a shot. Mei began it as a way for us to build a stronger foundation for our relationship. Kit can't comprehend why anyone is having a hard time and thinks everything is wonderful. As I've mentioned, she is prone to denial. Forever 15 in someways, and I don't know if she understands how fucked up things are right now. For example, she doesn't think she needs therapy. Everything is as good as can be. I think she's scared to rock the boat. As Mei has said, there is too much shit to atone for... too much wrong and too much Kit can't fix. She has to learn to forgive herself. Her guilt constantly overwhelms her. Being around her is a huge challenge for me... especially now because my theme is to remember it all. Stay in the truth of how fucked everything is and allow it to guide me to my goals... to survive or die, to succeed or fail forever. Kit stands for everything opposite to that. Everything is fine. No one needs to change. Things are good enough as they are. Fuck that!

I don't know how these Sister Nights will go, but I think the positive nature of it is a good idea. We each have a reaction for when one of us starts to bitch about something. Mei's is to "scream like there's a cockroach in her shirt." I almost died laughing when she told me that. Mine was to pantomime flicking an imaginary bugar at the person... Anyone have any suggestions for a better one? It was all I could think of at the time. Kit's is to put an imaginary coin in an imaginary swear jar.

What should my bitching reaction be? I think we can do better than imaginary snot picking and flicking. :) I'll update you guys on how these nights go.

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

Something New - Pills

Got me some System-Six today. I've never tried it before and haven't really been taking anything other than gummy vitamins and L-Carnitine... lately in the liquid form rather than tablets because I like it better.

I can tell you that I lose MUCH more when I skip a meal and take Carnitine instead. I can tell the fat I lose is a bit hard on my body, but goddamn it does work.

Back when I went from 155 to 128, I did take some weightloss supplements too. I have no idea what they were or if they're even legal anymore...hehehe... but I do know that they helped a lot. I'm hoping to notice a difference using this stuff.

Irwin Naturals official System-Six pitch:
Metabolism Boosters & Carb Metabolizer^*

System Six® is a complete formula that provides six support systems to assist with weight loss:

1. Exercise and Endurance - Garcinia cambogia delivers a powerful extract called Hydroxycitric Acid (HCA). HCA may act as a metabolism booster and in one preliminary study significantly increased exercise endurance.*
2. Energy - The botanicals yerba maté, guarana and cola extract work to support energy levels and provide natural caffeine.*
3. Mood - Standardized St. John’s Wort extract is included in this formula to support brain chemicals that influence mood.*
4. Metabolism - A combination of B vitamins helps convert food into energy to fuel metabolism. These nutrients are necessary for the breakdown of fats and proteins.*
5. Carbohydrate Support - Chromium helps support carbohydrate metabolism and assists in the breakdown of carbohydrates into glucose which provides energy for the body.* Along with a healthy diet and exercise program, chromium can help support healthy blood sugar.*
6. Antioxidants - Green Tea and other nutrients in System Six help protect cell health and provide nutritional support for the body.* System Six, when combined with a low-calorie diet and exercise program, provides weight loss support to help you meet your goals.*‡

/end sales pitch

In other news... Scarlet, I like how in your blog posts you answer comments from previous posts. It makes it really easy to see your replies. Much better than just replying to the comment in the comment thread... so I think I'm going to start doing that too.

Scarlet - I had no idea her husband died too. I know he was all involved in her death... wow weird. Let me know if you like the movie.

Gracile - I definitely recommend it. I'd love to hear what you guys think of it. It's definitely on my favorite movies list.

24 Hour Water Fast Complete!

Hey, it ain't much, but it's 24 hours. :) Yay! Did end up eating this evening. A bit rich, but I'm still under 650 cals for the day, so I suppose it's ok. I hadn't planned on eating but, shit happens. But as long as the shit is under 650 I won't be losing sleep about it.

I'm so excited that I dropped lbs this week. Last week felt like such a battle. I think I'm going to go watch Love and Other Disasters. :) I adore that movie. It's so Audrey. I miss Brittany Murphy.

Hormones and Weight Loss/Gain Article

Scientists are discovering there's a hidden key to shedding pounds, and it's got little to do with calories or willpower. Meet your hormones -- and the surprising effect they have on weight.

Say you eat a doughnut. The doughnut you deserve because it's a hellish day, and carbs are what will make this week -- the one before your period -- worth living through. Oh, the bliss when that powdered sugar hits your system! Until, inevitably, you crash, which leaves you exhausted and depressed... and sniffing around for another doughnut.

Because a doughnut is never just a doughnut. It's a Molotov cocktail that you're lobbing into your hormonal ecosystem.

Read more here...

"I know it sounds counterintuitive, but calorie counting is not everything," Aziz says. "When insulin is secreted in higher amounts, you feel hungrier and you eat more. Willpower does not exist when insulin is high."

Death by FAT - AN ANA MUST READ

There are about 310,232,863 people in the United States.

Of the adult population, about 1,861,397 (0.6%) have been or are anorexic, and about 3,102,328 have been or are bulimic (1.0%).

Of the 4,963,725 combined people living with Ana and/or Mia, about 1000 die each year.

That means 0.02% of Ana/Mia girls and guys die every year. (That is 0.0003% of the U.S. population.)

"What does all this mean??"

Here is some perspective for you...

An average of about 1000 people die of bulimia or anorexia nervosa yearly. BUT almost 20,000 die of murders. About 25,000 die of the common flu. And over 40,000 die in car wrecks. If people think your ED is dangerous, they really should stay off the roads.

Now lets get to the FAT of the matter.

Anorexic AND Bulimics of the U.S. total 1.6% of the population. Guess how many suffer from BINGE EATING DISORDERS... 2.8%! More than Ana and Mia combined. A whole 66% of the adult American population is overweight or clinically obese. Now that is a real, large percentage.

Did you know obesity is the leading cause of preventable death in the U.S., second only to tobacco use? Yes, worse than smoking!! Why is this not all over billboards and magazines?

We usually look at obesity as an issue of looks, but it's not. It is a serious health risk. Fat people are at a very high risk of deadly conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and heart problems. It happens all the time!

Some people like Star Jones do things like getting Gastric Bypass surgery, which cuts out part of your stomach to shrink it, and bypasses part of your small intestine so it can't soak up as much calories. People who have that surgery can only eat tiny amounts or they throw up or get sick (sound familiar Mia girls?). They can't drink when they eat. Only before or after so it doesn't stretch their stomachs. They rely on highly nutritious food and vitamins to avoid malnourishment (sound familiar Ana girls?) They can't have sweets on their low cal intake because it makes them want to binge, and causes shaking, sweating, dizziness, rapid heart rate, and sometimes diarrhea. Hmm... Interesting. And how is this not considered an eating disorder? It sounds a lot like what we do every day, only they have it done to them by a surgeon. And why? Because of their Binge Eating Disorder.

Back to the poor souls who really did need treatment. The 1000 girls and boys (girls mostly) who die of Ana and Mia each year. It really is sad, and really can happen. Most of us will never be that far gone though. Most of us won't let that happen. Remember, the most popular actors and actresses, and all supermodels and runway models are among our numbers too. They are high profile and high performance. I follow the obituaries. Ana related deaths are few and far between. They may even contribute to complications, but most of those deaths are very obviously drug related (prescription and illegal).

So is there death? Yes, it does happen, and it's horrible that it does. BUT it doesn't begin to compare to the death caused by being fat. So why does everyone get all over the skinny person's case and not the fat person? Why is it ok to harass the thin ones. They are FAR less likely to become gravely ill or die than the fat person.

I have one theory. Fat people spend money. LOTS. They buy more food than a skinny person. Then they get sick and go to the doctor more than skinny people. They need meds more than a skinny person. They end up in hospitals more than skinny people. $$$ Money money money... Sometimes they need special care. Sometimes they get gastric bypass surgery... $$$. Skinnies are minimalists. We might buy more clothes... um... and more bottles of water? Not a real cure for economic slump or creators of huge corporate profits are we?

I hope this was good food for thought... I know it got me thinking.


More Fun Facts:

...more than 1000 people die of drunk driving accidents between Thanksgiving and Christmas alone in the U.S.
...1000 people die in the United States each year from electric shock.
...1000 people die in the UK each year from lung cancer caused by gas leaks.

Alejandro, Alejandro.... Ale Ale Andro....

I liked it. While Christina copies (even if it is good), Gaga is more original (seemingly). :) Don't call my name.

Bye Bye Lbs! I won't miss you!

Yup, the ZigZagging is just what my body was waiting for! I'm down two pounds in just the last 3 days! (Water fasting tonight until 10 pm.)

I had a dress to wear to a wedding over the weekend and it was too big for me!! XD XD I had to wear something else!

I can't wait to see what I shrink out of next!

The only thing that bothers me is knowing that I could have done this at any time if I'd wanted to badly enough. I guess I hadn't had enough of my Ed(nos) yet and I hadn't had enough of being fat. I thought I was happy, but watching these pounds disappear off me makes me happier than any of those other happinesses did.

I want to see my body at its true potential! Nearly 6' and 125 lbs of smart, sexy, hotness. God its going to be great. I might even get to a reasonable weight before I move back the little island in the South Pacific that I grew up on. I'll be able to wear a bikini again in my tropical paradise! How nice will that be? Instead of hiding under some tankini and wrap. Ugh. I ended up in a pic in my swim suit last year... it was horrifying. It is actually up on Facebook. People see it. Makes me want to puke. I can't wait to make those pictures into liars. :) Soon!

It's like OhMyGosh said, by around Christmas I'm going to be a completely different person! XD
<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

24 Hour Fast!!!

I'm so glad the weekend is over!! /sigh I survived. I'm doing a 24 hour water fast (began 10:00 pm tonight) to help wash the weekend off of me. :) Anyone care to join? Nothing kicks off a Monday like a water fast! hehe

Oh, and due to PMS, my weightloss had stalled last week or so, but my zigzag calorie days seem to have jump-started it back up! Yay! Dropped a stubborn lb and a half the other day. Finally!

Lots of Ana Banana lovin to all! <3333

EAT PRAY LOVE, the Movie

So I guess there was a book Eat Pray Love, and now its been made into a movie. Just watched the official trailer... It looks wonderful... truly. Fuck that movie.

I think what they touched on in the trailer symbolizes my whole life so far... except that I got the right guy instead of bouncing all around.

I have eaten....... fuck eating.

I have prayed... had faith... been centered in "God's" light and spiritually fulfilled. What a bunch of crap.

And love, well, I have loved more and more deeply than I'm sure most have the courage to, and I'm such a glutton for punishment that no matter how much I'm hurt, I always bounce back with a full and generous heart eventually. Ok, ok, the love part is fine. Love rules.

So as good as that movie looks. Really, Julia Roberts probably makes it incredible and believable, the whole thing is ultimately for shit. I will avoid seeing it because it appeals to the disappointed idealist in me that still wants to think that fairy tales are true. That's not me anymore. Now I'm writing my own story... living my own true story instead of trying to cram my real life into the mold of a ficticious existence as described in some holy book, self-help manual, or psych magazine.

If there's money involved, it is a lie. I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule, but they are FEW and far between. That's why I love this community. There's no money here. No line. No sales. In fact, it's taboo, controversial, but here we are because it works. That's all. It's honest.

So Julia Roberts and company can keep their EAT PRAY LOVE. I've got Ana. Julia Roberts didn't get where she is today by eating and praying, I guarantee it.

Half-Time Cal Report

Breakfast: wtf is breakfast. I don't usually do breakfast anymore.... anyway...
3 bites of my son's left over peanut butter apple sandwich - 45 cals
1 zero cal vitamin water - 0 cals (no shit... hehehe)
1 girl scout cookie - fuck - 60 cals

Morning total - 102

I plan on having a lot of water and a shot of 5 hour energy for lunch. That will be 4 more calories.

Today is supposed to be one of my low cal (zig) days since I zagged yesterday. It's fine. I'm completely not hungry.

I really need to find a good time to exercise so I can stick to it. I might start having my protein shakes for dinner so my body is prepped for a workout every morning. Of course that would mean I'd have to go to bed at a sane hour rather than stalking Calorie Restriction Diet websites like last night. I think I spent an hour fucking with a calorie restriction calculator to get the controlled twin's weight want I ideally wanted mine to be, and the calories low enough that I could stand it. Well whatever. Now I have some sort of adjusted plan and I'm sticking to it... for now. You live, you learn.

Once Upon A Family... Mei edition

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

Mei was 13 when our mom died.

Mei was practically a child. She idolized my dad until he abandoned her. Then I left and she was alone with our dreamy, delusional sister... drowning. Her wisdom and maturity never prepared her for this. She lost half year of high school because my dad was too sad/damaged/busy to enroll her. She was a self-motivated "A" student too... (Unlike Kit and I who'd take any short cut, and lie or cheat to get out of extra work... or any work.) So she dug in, huddled up and survived. It took a family effort to threaten my dad into getting her into school again. Eventually she did, went to college, got her drivers license, and graduated with a bachelor's degree. She is multi-talented and recovering from her disappointments and wounds. It seems as I fall apart she is getting stronger.

Once Upon A Family... Kit edition

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

When our mom died, Kit was 15.

Kit kept in the theme of her survival skills. She dealt with my mom's death through deep denial. She even fainted during one of my mom's services. She just couldn't cope. Remember, with her strengths neglected and weaknesses magnified, all she could really use was her front of extreme optimism to keep her afloat. Kit dropped out of high school soon after my mom died. I tried to stop it but my dad blocked me at every turn, afraid I'd displace him or his authority from the family. Crazy. She also never got her driver's license. After I moved out, no one cared enough to help her with it. My dad traveled and left my sisters with loser housesitters who misused the money he sent back. Kit still deals with life the same way... smiling until she can't anymore. A surface optimist and closet pessimist. When things get bad enough she can't keep food down. Once when she had trouble with her boyfriend, she couldn't keep anything down for a week and we almost had to check her into a hospital. She's very opposed to pro-ana and in part it may be because it scares her. She is 29 now... an unpublished writer who works at a small coffee shop. Part of her threatens to stay 15 forever.

TMI BMI FML WTF TTFN

I'm officially aiming for a BMI of 19, the lowest healthy rating for my height. That would put me at 130 lbs. Sounds very reasonable. I have goals lower, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've been researching a zigzag pattern of dieting. This allows extreme restriction some days, combined with "normal" calorie days so that your body is reminded that it is not starving. I'm not sure if I can do this though. I just found that my "reset" days would need to be no less than 1782 calories. Holy shit that's a lot. I think if I tried to eat that much now I'd explode.

I know I'm here to lose weight. That's all I care about. If it was proven that painting half of my face pink and hanging upside down to sleep 3 nights a week worked, that's what the fuck I'd be doing. The last thing I want to do though is eat. I don't even think I can. Even if it was just once or twice a week. I mean, 1782 is a lot of fucking cals. And it's supposed to be nutrient packed.

I'm thinking my "zag" or "reset" days will be on Wednesday and either Friday or Saturday. I can't commit to that many calories. We'll have to see what happens. The other 5 days will be one of 3 things:

1. A water fast or liquid day
2. One of my "Perfect Cal Days"
or
3. WTF anything under 650 cals max

It's funny, I've proven I can do 650 or less days on a VERY regular basis. I have no idea if I can increase much above 1000 now even if I try. I won't do it on shit food either. I love myself too much for that. Maybe juice. Fresh, raw juice... good for you and has a fuck ton of calories but without much to stick around in the body. Hmm... who knows. One thing you can count on, I'll post about it when it happens!

I love planning. It makes things so entertaining when I get to post about what actually happened and how fucked the plan got. C'est la vie. Što ke mu praviš. Sayonara. It is what it is.

God I'm tired. I'm getting all multi-lingual. I need to sleep. I'm never going to be able to wake up tomorrow... another busy-ass day.

Gnight skinnies! :)

Love, Progress, and Official Before Pics

It's been a while since I told you all how much I love you. You've all given me strength where everyone else in my life failed me. You've inspired me when I had little or no motivation. You've kept me going strong when I felt so weak.

I love you so much for that.

I love dearly everyone whose blog I read...

I love deeply everyone whose comments I read, on my blog and others...

I love every single soul who follows my blog and the blogs of my proAna friends...

And I love, love, love my skinnisisters because they're fucking amazing! :)

There is so much I'm grateful for. For example, there is no wedding ring on my finger though I'm married. But I won't wear it again until I've reached my goal weight. It's too bad it took such a painful situation to shake me awake, but I'm so relieved that I did. And despite the daily struggle, I'm so grateful to know that I can fix this... that I AM fixing this. How amazing. I almost forgot what kind of beautiful potential I had. And I'm so glad we can find our way to our skinnier, more physically beautiful selves together. <3<3<3

At blog I read, Yummy Secrets, Yum just posted progress pictures and a link to old before pictures she had posted. omg Her courage absolutely amazes me. I could never imagine having the strength and bravery to do something like that. But it is so inspiring! Please take a look...

Before

After

Look at her thighs! The difference is so clear! The pic sets were taken 5 months apart. She wants to lose another 17 lbs and is well on her way. Aren't you proud of her?

I took "before" pics too when I started in April. I never had the courage to post them, but I do now. I am so gross... it is so disgusting. Part of me feels like all of you will hate me if you see how fat I was. I know I've lost about 10 lbs since then, but believe me, I don't look too much better yet. I am posting them here and now and it is no joke when I tell you that it makes me feel like dying. I'd rather die than post. I think I might actually cry...

But I'm doing it. So here they are. FML.

(I can't believe I'm doing this... and no, I don't wear that fucking swim suit...)

(If you click this awful shit, you'll be able to see it clearly. My semi-transparent posts get messed with by the blog background.)

Holy shit.

Ok. I'm not saying anything else. I can't. But these are the Official Ana Banana Bella Before Pics. I post them with the perfect trust and faith in myself that in a reasonable amount of time I will post something much better. I will post progress. And like how what I've seen inspired me, some poor girl who looks like I did will see them and see the after pics and find a hope in herself that all the infomercial lies in the world could never inspire.

The hope I intend to create is a cause far more important than my shame.

So anyone I don't know, and didn't name above. Any of you who reads this now and later, looking for hope for yourself... looking for someone like you... looking for an answer... know that I love you too. Even if you came across this years from now, I am somewhere feeling love and appreciation for you and your troubles. This love is so great that I posted my own disgusting pictures so that maybe you'd feel less disgusting and find your own courage to set a skinny goal and head for it whole-heartedly.

Until next time...

-Ana Banana Bella

P.S. If you don't already, go subscribe to Yum's blog, Yummy Secrets!!!

Gaga Ooh La La and Water Fast 2 Conclusion

I had some great big important post that I almost wrote last night and swore to myself I'd get to today. Fuck. I forgot every bit of it and it's glory. Damn. My tummy is upset this morning and I can't remember a thing. Feel like shit. If I remember it I'll post.

I ate last night. You know, like a dinner. I didn't track my cals for yesterday but I bet they were at about a grand. It was supposed to be a zigzag day. I'm going to try to zigzag now... you know, have nearly nothing for a day or two, then have the lowest possible non-starvation amount of calories so my body chills about starvation mode. It's supposed to "open up a conversation with your body" so that your body understands that even on restriction, there is no emergency and you have what you need. That way it will keep burning like a happy little calorie steam engine, throwing your fat in the fire. So for the low cal days, I'll be using my Day 1 Perfect Cal Day plan, and will post more as I come up with them.

I fell off the map on my workouts. It's so hard to maintain it with kids. I'm going to try again though because I need it desperately. My weightloss is too slow now and I'm pissed off. I really want to see the 150's. God that would make my day... my week... my month! I haven't weighed 150 anything in probably over 10 years. I'm a bit flubbery and cellulitie at 150, but at 5'10" I look like a person at that weight... not a total fat ass.

P.S. The conclusion of my water fast was that it lasted 3 full days. Then I found myself at the bottom of a few glasses of wine that went a looooooooooong way because I hadn't eaten at all. I was pretty trashed. It was fun. And didn't even take the whole bottle! hah! I'm becoming a cheap date. No food and a shot or two and I'd be all kinds of happy.

Weeeeee Micropost! Water Fast 2 day 3

weeeeeeeeeeee feel like I'm on crack! Chocolate and water fast day 3!

80 calorie days for 2 days so far, and today so far is nothing. NO HORMONE FREAK OUTS SINCE ADDING THE CHOCOLATE! YAY!!!!!!!

POSSIBLY SLIGHT SUGAR RUSH RESULT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA"JHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm off to run errands! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Like Water For Chocolate: Water Fast 2 Day 2

Yesterday was horrible. The lack in calories made my PMDD flare up to a certifiably insane degree. Not good. So I handled it the only way and insane, fat, desperate, fasting person would... I ate chocolate. 80 cals worth of semi-sweet Ghirardelli baking chocolate (58% cacao). And you know what? I'm sane today. Fasting. Hanging in. And sane.

So yes, I had an 80 calorie day which should have been straight water fast, but I don't give a fuck. 80 cals is fine by me.

In fact, around lunch time today I had another 80 cal serving of the chocolate to make sure to get ahead of any PMS/PMDD out-burst that might be resurfacing.

I also just put in an an amazon.com order for raw cacao nibs. Completely raw, TOTALLY unsweetened (bitter as fuck tasting) chocolate. I intend to incorporate it into my diet and see if/how it affects my ability to take in less calories and feel more satisfied.

Water Fast 2 Day 1

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Water fasting again. Last time was really hard. I was ignorantly trying for 10 days and ended at 5. This time I'll be doing 5 days, and this time I have my husband cooking for my kids. He gently suggested a healthy diet and exercise. I shot that bitch down fast. He is very understanding though and is helping me out. He doesn't judge. I love that about him.

People who love you shouldn't try to control you. They might try to inspire you or even educate you, but beyond that, they can't change your mind or heart. I'm glad Jae isn't trying to change mine.

So I have to go do some shopping for him today and run some other errands. I'm really excited about this fast. The last one was a son of a bitch.

This time, I'm going to use distilled water. I didn't do that last time. I'm also going to stay off the caffeine... had to learn that the hard way last time. And I may or may not take Carnatine. I'm not sure yet. I think I'd like to try keeping it simple this time.

Talk you you lovies later! <333

In Search of the Perfect Cal Day

I want to get in a groove. A rhythm. A familiar cycle of instinctively eating clean and low cal. I want to find the perfect day. Even a 600 cal day seems like a lot to me. I want days under 500. I think I can build them.

I am making a page on my blog for them, and if they work out well, I'll even add them to Pro-Ana Optimal. So far I have Day 1 outlined and analyzed.

Day 1 totals out at 440 max. Less than 15g fat, 36g carbs, 4.7g fiber, and 41.4g protein. With about 30g digestible carbs, this is even a fairly low carb day. Check it out!

Now back to fasting.

WTFat?

How does burning fat work?

http://health.howstuffworks.com/health-illness/wellness/physical-fitness/weight-loss/lost-weight.htm

iFast... because everything else is just too slow.

Planning another 5 day water fast. With 3 kids, it really does take planning. And help. So I'm setting it up. My husband is helping facilitate so I can stay away from the food this time. Last time it was so hard being around the kids at meal times... not to mention cooking for them. I can't do it.

I've tried for 3 day fasts lately and can't get through day 2 while cooking for everyone. I am restricting ok, and not binging, but I can't fast under those conditions. No way!

I don't know what he's going to do. He works all day. But he accepted the job, so I guess he can do it. I'm just going to get the kitchen cleaned and polished up for him. The rest is up to him.

I'm not sure how soon this fast will start. Gotta be soon though. Maybe tomorrow? I have some social engagements next week that I can't miss and have to be somewhat pulled together for.

That 5 day fast is just stuck in my mind.... like a major crush feels. I lost about 5 lbs last time. And the scale temporarily dipped down about 10 lbs. I knew it wouldn't stay that way, but even seeing those numbers for a moment felt so amazing. I want to get that feeling back. Plus, I NEED to be 150 by mid or late July and I'm running out of time. If I fit in 2 or 3 more 5 day water fasts, I'll get close.

Anyway... back to the kitchen... need to get out them scrubbing bubbles! :)

Friday Night!

Today was a good day! Water fasted all day. The evening took a turn for the social and I went to hang with my girls. So I did bump some calories. I didn't feel too bad about it after not having eaten all day.

I'd finish me out at around 600 cals for the evening... there was ice cream involved. Where you have girls you can always find ice cream.

Gonna do the same tomorrow though. Liquids or water as long and often as I can. Live the dream!

Now I'm hitting the shower and moving on to the evening's other enjoyments. :) Probably True Blood and sex. Mmmm... what am I waiting for? XD

See you all soon! I love you all! Don't let slow progress keep you down! Just keep at it and your control won't fail you! xoxo

Good night!

So Hot for Shorts Right Now hehehe

PrettyWreck bought shorts...

...

...I love shorts.

All I can think about is how I'd like to fuck up some shorts...

... put my long legs in them.

...

Lonely island would...

...jizz in their pants.

...

34 inches from hip to ankle, babes...

...I'll rock them hard at my GW.

...

Add some summery heeled sandals to the mix...

...life would be good.

...

I have never let my height stop me from wearing tall shoes. :) I like being 6'1"...


I'm ok-ish in shorts now... long ones. But in about -20 lbs...

...omg I think I just...

lmao

can you tell I'm a little nuts from water fasting?
At least I'm a happy drunk.
;)

Once Upon A Family... All About Me

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

My mom died when I was 18.

I, having had a mother long enough to have my feet somewhat planted, and having been the oldest and saddled with enough responsibility to be somewhat capable, stayed home for a year to take care of my sisters. I moved out to live with my boyfriend at 19 and never came back. I tried college. Began the day we put my mother in the ground, but the stress of so much... a dead mom, a needy family, and a new boyfriend, AND college was too much for me, so I quit. I thought I'd go back, but I didn't.

Instead I went into the work world kicking and screaming... terribly insecure. I had a very strong background in writing and literature, and was a highly experienced computer wiz. Those skills combined with a highly personable demeanor, tall and lean beauty, and olympic gold medal in bullshitting helped me take very well to the professional world. I gained confidence among other people even though I was never good enough for Jae, my significant other. By the time I was 21 I was making 50k per year. By then, my hobbies were psychology and social engineering, that combined with spotty hacker skills and resourcefulness gave me the tools I needed to go as far as I wanted. My husband, though, was the real deal, and together we've gotten far. I ended up becoming a mom and losing myself a bit along the way. First I got pregnant, then we got married. I don't recommend doing it that way. 3 kids and 8 years later, I'm still incredibly dangerous (in the best way) and sharp, but don't use it much as I'm a really good mom, and those edgy kills just aren't needed when you're singing songs, playing games, baking pies, and loving kids all day. Part of me is so happy though. Nothing has been more rewarding to me than building my family. I guess that's why my husband's unhappiness and disappointment with me hurts so much. I think I've done really well. But I'm not what he wanted. So now I have to be both things if it kills me. That's why I'm here with you. Now I have to be the stepford wife. Great mom, nurturing, and a saint by day, and by night I have to be a sexy, attentive, thin and devoted goddess of pleasure. I have to go out and strike envy into the hearts of all we meet... or my husband just won't be happy with his life. I have to become a shiny gilded trophy wife... and I will.

Mmm Vampires...

I was going to post tonight... but now I'm not. Wait, I guess I am. hah! XD

Actually I had a longer post brewing regarding fat americans, double-standards, and The Man keepin' ya down. But it's going to have to wait until tomorrow because I downloaded the second season of SOOKIE! I don't have cable. We don't really do TV. :P We're all digital up in this bitch and got spoiled. Now we freak out if we have to watch a commercial, so we pay for the shows we like and download them. The whole second season of True Blood became available May 25, so it's time for me to hit episode one. I think I've waited long enough.

I'm not in love with this series, but I am a vamp-a-holic. And when I say that I have an absolute and undying devotion to fictional vampires, lore and legend, I do not mean Twilight. Vampires and I go way back and while I found the Twilight movies ok too like True Blood, I really did feel like it was child's play. (And in case you were wondering, out of unquestionable devotion to vampires in general, I am Team Edward... hehe ...although my husband would clearly be one of Jacob's clan. Interesting...) Oh the hotness. I really do love vampires.

I don't know when it started. I think it kind of always was. Then it came to a boil with the release of Anne Rice's series. Well whatever... my babbling is keeping me from watching.

okokokokok

Calories today:

I finished out at 673 total. Not bad. But I am pissy and bloated due to pms and I hate the scale this morning. I don't want to talk about it. blah.

Well I'm off to watch my show! I love you all! Keep up the good fight! G'nightie!

Recommended Thinspo Site

I like it so far!

Today's Cal Confession

I was trying to day fast like yesterday. Today it didn't work. I think PMS is setting in.

Breakfast was a japanese broth soup. 50 cals

By lunch, I was soooo hungry. More than when water fasting. I cracked around 2 pm and ate some. Lunch was fresh fruit (apricot and tangerine) and a raw ear of corn in keeping with the raw eating. And was so starved still that I added a veggie patty. It helped a lot. 274 cals.

Dinner found me hungry too. I had artichoke hearts, white rice, and a bunch of sauteed mushrooms (since mushrooms have nearly nothing in them). Came to 295 cals.

Between the two little meals I had snacked on some olives. 46 cals.

This brought me to a 665 calorie day... which is pretty damn good, but I'm not happy with it. At first I was proud of myself for being under 1000 calories. Now that looks like fat ass city to me. Then I set my limit at 800-something or less, pretty reasonable. But now THAT seems like a ton to me. And today's 665 would have set me off bragging weeks ago, but now I'm completely disgusted with it.

I want 300 calorie days! That would make me happy. Or zero. If one is the loneliest number, zero is the happiest. You know why? Because it literally has NOTHING to worry about. That's what I want. A nice round zero.

I see it.

I see that I'm becoming unreasonable. But it happened so slowly in Ana B. years. They're a bit like dog years. How you'll be gone for a few hours and when you get back your dog acts like it's been days and he might have thought you were dead. My hours are like days too. And in those "days" I change so much. People must think I'm crazy.

Mei offered me popcorn the other night. I said, "Ugh, it has too many calories!" She turned her bikini model thin body to face me and looked confused.
"It doesn't have too many," she said. "It hardly has anything in it. Its one of the most nothing snacks!"
"If you're aiming for a 600 calorie day, EVERYTHING has too many calories," I told her.
Then she set to melting butter and dripping it all over the popcorn she'd made for us and the kids.

Now I have to dread movie nights too.

So yeah... I'm not happy about today. Maybe I am quickly turning into my own obsessive monster. But then that's why I'm here right?

I poke and prod myself...

Over and over and over, I pull myself apart. It's my way. So I can see this obsession happening. I can see the truth rolling in like the fog of war. I refuse to judge though. I don't judge any of you, and I will not start judging myself. This is what I wanted. And if 600 calories sounds like a fat ass binge to me, well fuck... it is what it is, and I am where I am. I will follow the rabbit hole to Wonderland no matter how bizarre things get.

You know... it feels nice though. It feels normal. The nagging psychology hobbyist in the back of my brain is diagnosing feverishly... even as I type this. Especially as I type it. So I know. I know it all and I don't care.

Yeah... its kinda like that. You know life is getting interesting when the extreme is just another part of a normal day. We'll see where I land when it all comes down.

Oh, and I joined more blogs this week. I love supporting my pro-ana sisters! We're Team Skinny! :) I set some stuff up on twitter so some of us can talk privately to each other. Let me know if you're into it. I'll post about it again and also send some invites. xoxo

Once Upon A Family... Part 3

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

When I was about 11 my mom got sick. It was cancer. The beginning of an 8 year battle that she was destined to lose. Kit was 8, and Mei was about 6. When I think about it, that was the last time they had a somewhat normal life. It really wasn't fair, but then neither is life.

My dad ruled our lives with fear... don't work, you'll end up working for someone else until you die... don't go to school, you'll just end up part of a flawed system... I'll make us rich, and you won't have to do anything you don't want to. It was all a lie though. He failed and if he had a dollar for every empty promise he made he might have ended up the millionaire he said he'd be. Instead he lost money for everyone. Lost our extended families savings. Lost our friends money. Used up and wasted money of nearly everyone we knew to the degree that we wondered if he was just a rotten con man and did it all on purpose. The jury is still out on that one.

My mom's cancer came back with a vengeance when I was about 16. Kit was 13, and Mei was 12ish.

Kit went into denial. She was the fragile artist in our family and no one ever bothered to help her be stronger. Instead they sheltered her weaknesses. And that's what grew. The fragilities became strong while her natural strengths were neglected.

Mei was born mature, ageless, and wise. 13 going on 53, she was a sharp-tongued matriarch in the body of a slim-waisted little firecracker. Fearless and strong, she seemed on a mission to conquer the world from birth one mountain at a time. I think it's still within her, but... have you ever been punched in the gut? I mean hard. Or fallen flat on your back and had all the wind knocked out of you? That's kind of what happened to her. To this day she's still reeling a bit from "what happened to her" that she is slow to come out of it and remember that she's here to "happen" herself. But for all her inborn strength, she was also crippled by my dad's distorted world view and borderline cultish brainwashing. She knows it, thank god. Doing for herself can be an uphill battle sometimes and in hobbit-like fashion, rather than face the confusion and chaos that lies inside her or outside the front door, she'd often rather stay in... observing a rainy day on even the sunniest.

Water Fasting?

Water fasting is funny. I finally get the joke. Fasting isn't fasting pro-ana. Fasting is a way of life. Every day is a fast. You drink water. Sometimes tea. Sometimes you have a liquid day. Sometimes you slip up and eat something, or have to.

I'm finally getting real and looking at every day as a fast. Liquid meals only from now on unless absolutely necessary. Eating during the day will be to a minimum, and any kind of eating is only allowed to happen at night (day fasting). I'm not setting a number of days. This is it. This is the lifestyle. Any food eaten in the evenings should be raw. Any binging will be on raw foods if possible since they are the only foods that prevent future binging for a while.

Yesterday I drank a gallon of water through the day. I wasn't very thirsty besides it, and it wasn't too much for me. Felt perfect. I'll aim for that daily. Breakfast and lunch will be soup, tea, or broth. I'm not going to do protein shakes during the day anymore. Not low enough cal. If that ends up my meal at night fine.

This blog is full of planning. That's so like me. Well this is my new plan. We'll see how long it lasts before I have a new one or fuck it up. Failure is inevitable... but not before I shed some pounds... so even if the diet fails in the long run, I succeed. <3

Love ya skinnies! Keep at it! <3333

Meeting Mia and My Evil Ed

Mia is the dominatrix of the calorie deprivation world. Sometimes I wish I knew her better. She's like the sea witch from the little mermaid. She'll hook you up with your guy... all she wants in return is your voice. I understand Mia shows you the golden door. She gives you one last way out... out of your fuck up, out of the binge, out of the calories. I'm sure everyone swears like I would now that I'd only do it once in a great while and not let it get out of control. But anyone obsessed as me would impishly come back to Mia a lot more often... begging for forgiveness, begging for the drug only she can give you.

:(

Ana requires so much accountability. Ana requires a very deep love. Ana is unforgiving. And I do love her. I will keep trying. And even if I did manage to befriend Mia, or make her a distant acquaintance, I would of course never leave Ana's side. I'm a loyal sort.

I really need the protection from Ed though. Ed Nos is the asshole. He thinks he owns me and I swear he wants me dead.

Ana has helped make me stronger. Ed isn't hurting me as much or often these days. I don't eat until I hurt every time. To me, that's what "full" means. It means bloated pain... every time. I have no other definition of full. No other sense or feeling that bails me out before I hurt myself. Not since before I can remember. Probably not since I was 7 when I began eating until I couldn't because my tummy was so distended, wait a half hour and then go do it again... I was the stick thin waif with stomach swollen at meal time until about 16 when my metabolism slowed, and the rest of my body began to bloat with that tummy. That was the pattern. Two huge dinners back to back. Ed is so mean. I won't do it anymore. I hate him.

I love Ana so much. I haven't done any of that since I've been with her. Even if I do binge it's nothing like even a single "dinner" was with Ed. I regret callously calling Ana a mercinary for my cause of losing weight. That isn't true. It is becoming clear she is my way of life. She has to be. Unlike most, I don't think this is a bad thing. She won't kill me. Ed might. Mia is dangerous too. Mia promises so much... its so seductive... but I understand she could be as evil as Ed in another way. She's like the Mafia. She'll offer you protection for a price and soon she owns you.

I don't want to be owned. I just want to be thin... still... I think I've made eye contact with Mia a few times. It's not too late to just walk on by, but...... I just don't know......