Still in Hawaii, and still loving it. Beautiful day after beautiful day pass here, full of activity, living, and usefulness. I'm truly happy here.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY NEVER ENDING BATTLE WITH FOOD.
I was doing really well. Mostly raw. But the last couple days I've let slip and last night I was served breaded fish and rice pilaf from a box and ate it. :(((( I'm slowly sinking back into garbage mainstream eating because THAT is what my in-laws think is healthy and acceptable! It's not! Maybe I'm overreacting. It actually wasn't the last couple of days, it was just the one meal. But the temptation has been there for several days which is almost as bad! Maybe I should just let it go... just one meal of questionable food... But I can't. It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of wine!
I've worked so hard to fight my eating disorder, and constantly fight my lifelong dietary programming that tells me to stuff my face with factory produced rehash that is not real food. It is my responsibility to protect myself from packaged food industry and it's commercially brainwashed minions in the masses. I know. But it's hard having it in my face every day. This is even worse than when I was fasting and sticking to my diet in months past while still cooking for my kids. The food is even worse, and people are serving it to me almost constantly.
I've fought back by offering to make dinner. Serving fresh salads, veggie dishes, and steamed or grilled fish or chicken, or making sushi and soups. They love my dinners... but I think their cravings and bad habits freak out and kick in and then they fight back with fried foods, starches, and boxed meals... cereals and cookies... pasta pasta pasta. /sigh... :(
I need to get out of here. I'm more physically active than ever. This should be great for me, but my body needs beautiful food, healthy food for radiant, glowing, health and beauty. My body needs to be not only my temple but my sanctuary!
bah.
damn people are violating my sanctuary. I need better security. Gotta put in some cameras and alarm systems. ;)
Sorry about all the fussing. I'm just upset I'm dealing with this at all.
And the result:
I'm water fasting today. I'm thinking about fasting all week. What does that mean? I am shutting down and going back to the only thing I know I can do to battle my ED and that is my other ED. Am I relapsing? Regressing? Or am I just honestly hitting a reset button to recommit to the healthy pattern I've successfully maintained for a while? I don't know. I do know that I don't really trust myself. I also know that I can't talk myself out of it.
As this is my journal I must be completely honest and say that I'm punishing myself for what I ate for dinner last night. Breaded fish and pilaf. My penance is one full day of "Hail glass, full of water" and two days of "Our juice fast, thou art heaven..." My brain knows this is not the best example of behavior. My husband would probably insist on a different course correction. But he's not here. He's been gone for 2 of 3 weeks we knew we'd be without him this month. So oh well. Ideally I should be eating healthy, I know that. And I have been most of the time. Obviously I've slipped though and that is absolutely unacceptable. We all know I'd rather err on the side of starvation than on the side of poison/gluttony.
I'm sure this is just temporary. I'll get my day of water and couple days of juice fasting out of the way, feel better, and go back to enjoying my bowls of sunshine. Fresh fruit right off the trees in the morning, gorgeous green salads in the afternoon, and vivid vital veggies in the evenings! Yay! Yup, that's what I'm going to do.
NO PILAF EVER AGAIN! I REPENT!
-----Comments-----
Kazehana - I definitely agree on the importance of fats. Thats why I figured I'd stick with the naturally oily foods like salmon, avocado, and olives. I always opt for butter over margarine. Oh and I didn't give up oil entirely on my salads but I am trying avocado oil... so I get some of that every day. Besides my salads and sauces, I'm not getting much oil though because I'm not cooking much. No butter because I haven't been eating anything that cooks in or uses butter. I'm an avocado junkie though, so I'm probably ok on the oil front. :)
Showing posts with label Charting a Course. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charting a Course. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Drinking Air and Eating Sunshine
Hawaii has been good to me.
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Really Am Lost At Sea
Still in Hawaii.
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
and
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health
and
Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Being Constructive in the Face of Failure
Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.
Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.
I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.
I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.
Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.
Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.
What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh
More From Me On PMDD - tumblr 10/7/10
Other PMDD Posts....
I'm PMS Hide Your Knives!
(Hide ya kids, hide ya knives, and hide ya husbands cuz they PMSin' everybody up hea.<3)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Losing Fast! New 10 Year Low!
Ok, I was freaked out about the healthy thing, but yesterday I was down a lb. to 162.6 (had been up one even during fasting).
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
| Total Cal.: | 900.55 | Total Fat: | 57.00 | Total Cholesterol.: | 1298.13 |
| Total Sodium: | 1565.55 | Total Carbs: | 54.00 | Total Fiber: | 16.73 |
| Total Sugar: | 8.64 | Total Protein: | 104.73 | Total Water: | 3.05 |
| Total Points: | 0.00 |
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Still Here With Bells On And A New Plan
Can't help coming here. I've kept journals since I was a little girl and this is my most active journal and pretty much my home since April. It's mine, and I see no reason not to continue working things out, thinking and talking on here.
Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.
Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.
Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan
No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.
Diet
That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.
I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.
I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.
I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.
I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3
My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.
Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.
Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.
Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan
No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.
Diet
- 60% vegetables (as often as desired, no roots)
- 30% meat (preferably fish and skinless chicken)
- 10% fruit (specifically banana 30 min before cardio workouts)
- No dairy for now, and no grains.
- No preservatives.
- No supplements.
- 2 glasses of water before each meal, paced if necessary
- water with workouts
- stay well hydrated
- An hour of Yoga (he recommended the one from P90x)
- 20 minutes of intense cardio
- 20 minutes of weight lifting to muscle failure
- 10 pm bed time
- stay well rested for muscle regeneration and efficient calorie burn
That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.
I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.
I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.
I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.
I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3
My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Gone Fishing...
You guys were right. My husband really didn't know what he was saying. We had a few talks about it, some fights about it. I broke down and explained some of it. Hopes, fears, and laid out pretty much everything I'm into and dealing with about my weight, being skinny, having purged, fasting, what I do and where I'm headed.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting
I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
xox <3
-=Elle
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
Nothing tastes this good:
xox <3
-=Elle
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thinspo vs Inspo
We aren't thin enough, so we're unhappy with ourselves. We self loathe to varying degrees individually and for widely varying reasons which includes our weight either as the cause or symptom of our other misery. We often try to harm ourselves through both eating and starving.
This is a problem.
If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?
I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)
I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?
lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.
I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).
But..
but...
BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.
Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.
I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...
xox
This is a problem.
If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?
I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)
I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?
lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.
I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).
But..
but...
BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.
Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.
I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...
xox
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone
Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Secrets & The New Food Plan
First, I have a secret. Hmmm... I don't really want to talk about it but it all started here, so... ugh. I'm pro-ana because I believe in extreme calorie restriction. I think it can be healthy, as is being skinny. It is proven to extend life, and our bodies developed specifically to exist in those circumstances. I am not pro-mia. I don't judge, but I do not think there is anything healthy about purging.
Yesterday I ate something really gross. Nasty hot dogs... about one and a half of them. They upset my stomach. Knowing they were about 400 cals total... maybe 500 made me even sicker. I purged. I couldn't help it. There I said it.
I felt much better afterward. Got rid of at least half of it. As a punishment for purging I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day except water and tea. I really don't think this will become a habit. And I do kinda think I was better of not having that garbage in my body for many reasons. Hot dogs are such dirty food. >P I'm not volunteering this little story to anyone I know though. I'm not really embarrassed, but I think they'd freak out and I don't want to deal with it. I'm definitely a bit uncomfortable with where this puts my eating disorder(s). I guess all this is a really slippery slope.
Which is why I'm going to get very strict on eating healthy!
Healthy! Extreme calorie restriction! High nutrition foods! Low fat protein! No chemicals!
I'm getting a salad shooter, and a whole bunch of Pacific Natural Foods organic soups. The idea is to use the lowest cal soups like the Mushroom Broth and French Onion Soup (5 cals/cup and 30 cals/cup), heat a cup or two of broth and pour the hot soup over raw shredded veggie combos of maybe carrots, spinach, chard, mushrooms, zucchini, and soy meats. It will be nutritious but super low cal, and will also get me back on track with the raw eating lifestyle since the veggies will be heated but not cooked. That will be lunch. Breakfast will be either nothing or maybe two boiled eggs and only eat one of the yolks, or a 100% raw smoothie. Dinners will be raw veggie salads or slaws dressed with lemon juice and salt, or a mustard dressing, or if I can take the cals I'll make a dressing out of avocado. Maybe a side of grilled fish with dinner too.
Lots of tea! Lots of water! Mmm... I've really been into hot water with a squeeze of lemon juice lately.
That's the game plan! Yar!!! I've done it before, I can do it again. Throw in a couple fasts here and there and I'm golden.
Oh! I also got a new juicer. My old one sucked. So I can to veggie juice fasts. I really like cabbage juice. I don't know a lot of juicing recipes so I got a recipe book to go with it. I know, big spender, but I think it will help me get back on track. I need that. I've lost 20 lbs. Now I need to do it again. I've spent a year 80% raw or more, and I need to do that again too. AND I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 128lbs SO LETS THROW THAT IN THERE TOO!
These are not foreign lands and strange goals! It is all familiar territory! If I can get a grip on myself I can do it, and do it well and healthy. Oh boy. Ok... now to brave dinner with the family and try not to eat it. ;)
hearts to all!
xox
Yesterday I ate something really gross. Nasty hot dogs... about one and a half of them. They upset my stomach. Knowing they were about 400 cals total... maybe 500 made me even sicker. I purged. I couldn't help it. There I said it.
I felt much better afterward. Got rid of at least half of it. As a punishment for purging I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day except water and tea. I really don't think this will become a habit. And I do kinda think I was better of not having that garbage in my body for many reasons. Hot dogs are such dirty food. >P I'm not volunteering this little story to anyone I know though. I'm not really embarrassed, but I think they'd freak out and I don't want to deal with it. I'm definitely a bit uncomfortable with where this puts my eating disorder(s). I guess all this is a really slippery slope.
Which is why I'm going to get very strict on eating healthy!
Healthy! Extreme calorie restriction! High nutrition foods! Low fat protein! No chemicals!
I'm getting a salad shooter, and a whole bunch of Pacific Natural Foods organic soups. The idea is to use the lowest cal soups like the Mushroom Broth and French Onion Soup (5 cals/cup and 30 cals/cup), heat a cup or two of broth and pour the hot soup over raw shredded veggie combos of maybe carrots, spinach, chard, mushrooms, zucchini, and soy meats. It will be nutritious but super low cal, and will also get me back on track with the raw eating lifestyle since the veggies will be heated but not cooked. That will be lunch. Breakfast will be either nothing or maybe two boiled eggs and only eat one of the yolks, or a 100% raw smoothie. Dinners will be raw veggie salads or slaws dressed with lemon juice and salt, or a mustard dressing, or if I can take the cals I'll make a dressing out of avocado. Maybe a side of grilled fish with dinner too.
Lots of tea! Lots of water! Mmm... I've really been into hot water with a squeeze of lemon juice lately.
That's the game plan! Yar!!! I've done it before, I can do it again. Throw in a couple fasts here and there and I'm golden.
Oh! I also got a new juicer. My old one sucked. So I can to veggie juice fasts. I really like cabbage juice. I don't know a lot of juicing recipes so I got a recipe book to go with it. I know, big spender, but I think it will help me get back on track. I need that. I've lost 20 lbs. Now I need to do it again. I've spent a year 80% raw or more, and I need to do that again too. AND I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 128lbs SO LETS THROW THAT IN THERE TOO!
These are not foreign lands and strange goals! It is all familiar territory! If I can get a grip on myself I can do it, and do it well and healthy. Oh boy. Ok... now to brave dinner with the family and try not to eat it. ;)
hearts to all!
xox
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 2
-- Progress Tracking --
Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.
Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
oops... haven't had time to do this yet.
Personal Entry
FMfuckingL. Today was not a good day for skinny. Not at all.
I had a meeting...
At a diner...
On the up-side, they post calories on the menu. On the down side, I shit you not, almost everything on the menu was 1000 calories or higher!! For one meal!!!! omg... freakout.
But it was dinner out with a bunch of people. Even the salads were fatty insane. Interestingly, ordering desert instead of dinner was the lowest cal option. That bullshit put me at about 1000 cals for the day though! Damn-shittledy-fucking-hell!
So yeah, I'm mad. I wish I was Mia. Not only do I wish I could send it all back out the way it came in, but I'd make sure it landed in the lap of whoever invented such fatty-ass awful food. Crazy! I mean, who the hell eats 1200 cals in ONE MEAL??!! So gross.
Ooh excellent, just thinking of all the disgusting ingredients might be making me nauseous right now. Maybe I will puke after all! That would be lovely! :)
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will be better.
Now, something good. Something I love...
TARA STILES!!
I'm going to start doing Tara Stiles yoga practices every day. You know, I don't know if it will get me in better shape, but she is the most amazing thinspo!
I found some info on what she eats to be so skinny! Here's a link to the Tara Stiles lunch:
http://www.channels.com/episodes/show/5737895/What-s-for-Lunch-
Here's some TaraThinspo to leave you with:
UPDATED:
So fuck it. From what I can figure, a normal calorie day for Tara Stiles based on what she had in her fridge, and suggested for lunch, is about a 600-700 calorie day. So to hell with zigzagging and confusing my sorry dietary issues. I'm going to shoot for that lifestyle and stick to it.
Do you hear me world?? I'm done. Done eating all your awful shit. Done apologizing for my low cal days. Done done done. My goal of 650 cals per day was sound. If I plateau I'll figure out another way around it. No more cal increases.
So there. :P
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Family and Snack Survival & Tahiti
-- PART 1 --
Since my family has been visiting, I had been eating much more. They keep suggesting I eat AND it's some kind of nervous habit. When they start talking and I get bored/annoyed/desperate I nervously run for the kitchen. Why? I guess it's an acceptable escape... something they respect. Arrgh!
But I have a solution.
I set up a snack station for myself. Since the kitchen is where I run to, I made a big pot of herbal tea and set it on a tray with a couple cups (in case guests would like some too). And I cut slices of celery, and set them out in a dish of water so they don't dry out during the day. That's it! I just leave it there.
When I go running into the kitchen looking for food, instead I start with a cup of tea. The celery is backup for in case I actually get hungry... but most of the time I'm not. Today I haven't actually had any of the celery. The tea has been good enough. I think I may keep this up even after they leave. I think I have a box of fasting tea... natural appetite suppressant and extra nutrition. A station of fasting tea and emergency celery. A day's worth, and that's it. It could be nice and mobile too for when I'm out doing stuff! Yay!
-- PART 2 --
I think I've been tweeting more than blogging, so some of my Ana friends know this already. I have a Tahiti trip coming up in October. I REALLY wanna be thinner for this trip. I must. We're meeting up with some friends there and it's going to be great! I really don't want to be the only girl there hiding under tankinis and cover-ups. So I'm really going to push hard during September. Gonna post a follow up post here for my starting weight and goals for September.
Lots of control!!
Love you lovely lovies!!
xox
Since my family has been visiting, I had been eating much more. They keep suggesting I eat AND it's some kind of nervous habit. When they start talking and I get bored/annoyed/desperate I nervously run for the kitchen. Why? I guess it's an acceptable escape... something they respect. Arrgh!
But I have a solution.
I set up a snack station for myself. Since the kitchen is where I run to, I made a big pot of herbal tea and set it on a tray with a couple cups (in case guests would like some too). And I cut slices of celery, and set them out in a dish of water so they don't dry out during the day. That's it! I just leave it there.
When I go running into the kitchen looking for food, instead I start with a cup of tea. The celery is backup for in case I actually get hungry... but most of the time I'm not. Today I haven't actually had any of the celery. The tea has been good enough. I think I may keep this up even after they leave. I think I have a box of fasting tea... natural appetite suppressant and extra nutrition. A station of fasting tea and emergency celery. A day's worth, and that's it. It could be nice and mobile too for when I'm out doing stuff! Yay!
-- PART 2 --
I think I've been tweeting more than blogging, so some of my Ana friends know this already. I have a Tahiti trip coming up in October. I REALLY wanna be thinner for this trip. I must. We're meeting up with some friends there and it's going to be great! I really don't want to be the only girl there hiding under tankinis and cover-ups. So I'm really going to push hard during September. Gonna post a follow up post here for my starting weight and goals for September.
Lots of control!!
Love you lovely lovies!!
xox
Monday, August 30, 2010
Zig and Zag: The Tale of Two Masters
I tried Zigzagging. It worked slowly and healthily, but for me it was confusing and took me out of the weightloss frame of mind.
Zig days were Ed days and Zag days were Ana days.
I think I decayed into eating too much on the Zig days and it took me too close to my binge eating EDnos crap. And since I'm an extremist and can't balance it, I have to do one or the other. And since I don't want to be fat, if I have to choose Ana or Ed, again I go back to Ana. Ed just makes me want to join Mia, and that would be really bad. So I am going back to the drawing board. Back to Ana.
And it feels better this way. I can't serve two masters. One is enough. When I plateau I may go back to a week of zigzag to reset my body, but I don't think I'll be sticking to it. My love is for Ana, so I'm back.
I haven't eaten today. A taste while cooking for my kids. Tiny nibbles. No plate in front of me. I'm sure its about 50 cals of incidental nibbles. 40 calories of plum fruit. And other than that... only tea.
It just feels better. I'm happier not eating. I'm happier restricting like crazy cakes!
Love you skinnies!
xox
Zig days were Ed days and Zag days were Ana days.
I think I decayed into eating too much on the Zig days and it took me too close to my binge eating EDnos crap. And since I'm an extremist and can't balance it, I have to do one or the other. And since I don't want to be fat, if I have to choose Ana or Ed, again I go back to Ana. Ed just makes me want to join Mia, and that would be really bad. So I am going back to the drawing board. Back to Ana.
And it feels better this way. I can't serve two masters. One is enough. When I plateau I may go back to a week of zigzag to reset my body, but I don't think I'll be sticking to it. My love is for Ana, so I'm back.
I haven't eaten today. A taste while cooking for my kids. Tiny nibbles. No plate in front of me. I'm sure its about 50 cals of incidental nibbles. 40 calories of plum fruit. And other than that... only tea.
It just feels better. I'm happier not eating. I'm happier restricting like crazy cakes!
Love you skinnies!
xox
Sunday, August 29, 2010
On Track! Baby I'm Back!
Yesterday's cals totalled 746! Yes! I'm back and it feels good.
It was great having a little fast to get me rolling. I don't really want to talk about my weight, but for the sake of honesty and science, I weighed 165.2 this morning. So I guess I am up a pound or two since I was last tracking things.
A bunch of readers on here wanted to know the results of keeping up zigzagging. Well, I bet if I was working out it would be the best thing ever. It is definitely good to break the plateau problem. But as far as quick results go... I'm not as happy with it as I was just not eating. I don't know what to do about that. It goes back to the healthy vs unhealthy weight loss conversation. Healthy is better if you are balanced and disciplined. If you are not... if you have emotional issues, or hormonal issues, and freak out often, unhealthy (aka just starving your ass) works better. Ana is better for me... until I plateau.
So I'm going to try something new... again... I'm going back to obsessing and starving. Then if/when I plateau, I'll go back to zigzagging for a month or so, then back to starving (restriction, fasting, and liquid diets).
It was great having a little fast to get me rolling. I don't really want to talk about my weight, but for the sake of honesty and science, I weighed 165.2 this morning. So I guess I am up a pound or two since I was last tracking things.
A bunch of readers on here wanted to know the results of keeping up zigzagging. Well, I bet if I was working out it would be the best thing ever. It is definitely good to break the plateau problem. But as far as quick results go... I'm not as happy with it as I was just not eating. I don't know what to do about that. It goes back to the healthy vs unhealthy weight loss conversation. Healthy is better if you are balanced and disciplined. If you are not... if you have emotional issues, or hormonal issues, and freak out often, unhealthy (aka just starving your ass) works better. Ana is better for me... until I plateau.
So I'm going to try something new... again... I'm going back to obsessing and starving. Then if/when I plateau, I'll go back to zigzagging for a month or so, then back to starving (restriction, fasting, and liquid diets).
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Fasting Till Sunday and Thinspice
Me and a few other proAna twitterlings are fasting together! Yay! Anyone wanna join? We're going today until Sunday. I've really needed this. I am going to try to continue functioning normally. We'll see how that goes. Yesterday was a very low cal day, so I'm off to a good start. The only obstacle that I can see is that my Grandmother is coming to visit this weekend and staying with me for a week. That makes things hard. She's one of those, "Sit down and eat!" kind of people who always thinks everyone is looking too thin. She gives my sister Mei soooooo much crap for being thin. She's model skinny, but not in a gross way. When she wears black and turns sideways, she literally disappears. Can I be her? Please? Only she's 5'3" and I'm 5'10" so there would be a difference, and she'll always be thinner and smaller than me. We'll never share pants. Oh well. Unless she gets fat. For her sake I hope that won't happen. But she's mostly a vegetarian, so I think she'll be fine.
omg I'm rambling aren't I?
hehehe Lacking calories. And I enjoyed a few drinks last night. I kinda miss this light-headed starvation feeling. Aww... why do I let myself get side tracked? I was really doing so well. My plan was working! Ana was kicking the crap out of Ed(nos) and I was losing lbs like a happy girl!
Truth be told, I haven't counted calories in months. Haven't gained/lost any weight at all. Stagnant. Feh. Meh. Pfff....
It's really stupid. I've I'd stayed focused and with it, I'd be another 15 lbs down by now. Or at least 10. What the hell is my problem anyway?
Well I'm back with it. I'm fasting until Sunday. Done and done.
I wish I had thinspice to sprinkle over myself like magic! Skinnidust! Poof!
Starving is the thinspice of life!
Ooh you know who else is my thinspice right now? Candice Swanepoel. I heart her so much. She is to me what Adriana Lima was to my sister Mei. I want to be her. So hot. You know the face. You know the body. I'm completely obsessed with her... right down to her perfect pouting mouth. Maybe because I looked so similar to her once upon a time. Especially with the blond hair, her face shape, full lips, and height... /sigh
Especially this pic. This could easily have been me at 125 lbs.
Tell me it's not too late. Tell me I can still be that hot in this lifetime. I need to get my priorities straight. And I need to do it now.
omg I'm rambling aren't I?
hehehe Lacking calories. And I enjoyed a few drinks last night. I kinda miss this light-headed starvation feeling. Aww... why do I let myself get side tracked? I was really doing so well. My plan was working! Ana was kicking the crap out of Ed(nos) and I was losing lbs like a happy girl!
Truth be told, I haven't counted calories in months. Haven't gained/lost any weight at all. Stagnant. Feh. Meh. Pfff....
It's really stupid. I've I'd stayed focused and with it, I'd be another 15 lbs down by now. Or at least 10. What the hell is my problem anyway?
Well I'm back with it. I'm fasting until Sunday. Done and done.
I wish I had thinspice to sprinkle over myself like magic! Skinnidust! Poof!
Starving is the thinspice of life!
Ooh you know who else is my thinspice right now? Candice Swanepoel. I heart her so much. She is to me what Adriana Lima was to my sister Mei. I want to be her. So hot. You know the face. You know the body. I'm completely obsessed with her... right down to her perfect pouting mouth. Maybe because I looked so similar to her once upon a time. Especially with the blond hair, her face shape, full lips, and height... /sigh
Especially this pic. This could easily have been me at 125 lbs.
Tell me it's not too late. Tell me I can still be that hot in this lifetime. I need to get my priorities straight. And I need to do it now.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
More Identity Crisis!
I'm like a two faced teddy bear. Both sides fight. Part of me is so happy. And when I'm happy, loving, and feeling loved I get content and don't try as hard to lose weight. I feel good enough. That's healthy right? WRONG! Why? Because others aren't content with me and won't be until I'm thin. And part of me will never be completely happy until I'm thin. So what the fuck. My happiness is self-sabotaging my happiness? That is a backwards-ass problem if I ever heard one. And since when is it bad to be happy. That's how I know this world is fucked and anyone having a hard time with it, or being depressed about it is also healthy. Those people who run around thinking everything is fine and normal scare me. They clearly have no idea what the hell is going on. They are maybe one degree smarter than sandwich meat, and if someone decided to put them between bread and end it all, I wouldn't complain.Sorry I've been a bit missing-in-action. I've been summering. Have company visiting, done more traveling, and am pretty much enjoying myself while trying to not balloon into a flab-filled parade float.
hehe gross.
I haven't lost a pound in a month. Isn't that sad? I haven't been trying. Not really. I haven't gained anything either. Maybe I did lose one pound. I'm sitting at 163ish. Fuck that's heavy! For me that's still hell of heavy. I need to focus. I need to not let the compliments, and guys hitting on me go to my head and keep my mind on the goal.
EYE ON THE PRIZE BITCHES, EYE ON THE PRIZE!
My prize is 130 lbs. I dropped my first 20 lbs pretty quick. I need to get back after it and drop another 20. At my height, I'll look damn fine at 140... but 130 is heaven. Then a lil surgery plastico to get rid of all the preggy stretched skin, and I'm golden.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot! The preggo scare. That also tripped me up. Another reason why I wasn't fasting or extreme restricting. But I'm not pregnant! Yay!! As Scarlet said, not against kids or anything (I have a few already...) but I need to get my body back.
So ok, I'm pumped. Lets do this. I'm not stopping until I'm another 20 lbs down.
Hugs n hearts to my sisters!
xox
Monday, August 2, 2010
Back With Goji Berries...SWAN DIVE!
Finally back from the Friend-And-FamStravaganza in Vegas.
It went well. REALLY well. Vegas was fun. Tons of dancing, drinking, and sex. It's hard to come back to reality after all that. :)
There is some good news and bad news though.
The Bad News
I didn't lose any weight while I was out there. I ate... and it was amazing.
The Good News
I didn't GAIN weight while I was out there. I can't imagine how... because I ate... and it was amazing. I guess I didn't eat a lot. I kept to gourmet small portions.
The Teeny Bit of More Bad News
I drank juice there every day and am now a carboholic again. Need to work hard the next week or so to wean myself off all that sugar. Was going to fast yesterday and had the worst binge in a year. Chips and candy?? That is soooooo not me.
Feh. Meh. Bleh.
I missed you guys so much. I really wanted to read and post while I was there, but it was too risky. You know what I mean I'm sure. Considering all the people around, that would be the last thing I needed. So provided no one actually dug around in my stuff, Ana, my dearest personal trainer remains a secret.
So now, back and focused...
I chose to actually Zig today and eat rather than my usual habit of cleansing by fasting first. The thing is, I was not eating my normal raw and whole diet while I was away and need to renourish myself so I don't freak out and binge again. For dinner I had a mega binge buster meal.
I won't lie. It is a heavy little bowl of food. I let it sit so the goji berries would soak and soften a bit.
Tomorrow I'll be back to a Zag day... or maybe fast. I really want to fast, but I think it's the wrong time of the month for that. I'm right in my PMDD to PMS zone and I have to try not to do anything too drastic during that time or my chemical balances go wacky and I get really manic... mega mood swings to severe depression. Right now I'm trying to balance it out with getting plenty of sleep and good raw nutrition. We'll see how I do. Thanks to the PMDD crap, I end up fighting two battles instead of just the one with my weight. Sux. :P
Anyway, I may Zag, but not starve. I think I might plan another week long water fast for after my period though... TMI OMG FREAKOUT. hehehe You know, we all have them, so sue me. Actually, I guess some of us don't get them regularly anymore... fuck... technicality. ;)
So that's it! Hugs all around! It's good to be back! <3xox<3
It went well. REALLY well. Vegas was fun. Tons of dancing, drinking, and sex. It's hard to come back to reality after all that. :)
There is some good news and bad news though.
The Bad News
I didn't lose any weight while I was out there. I ate... and it was amazing.
The Good News
I didn't GAIN weight while I was out there. I can't imagine how... because I ate... and it was amazing. I guess I didn't eat a lot. I kept to gourmet small portions.
The Teeny Bit of More Bad News
I drank juice there every day and am now a carboholic again. Need to work hard the next week or so to wean myself off all that sugar. Was going to fast yesterday and had the worst binge in a year. Chips and candy?? That is soooooo not me.
Feh. Meh. Bleh.
I missed you guys so much. I really wanted to read and post while I was there, but it was too risky. You know what I mean I'm sure. Considering all the people around, that would be the last thing I needed. So provided no one actually dug around in my stuff, Ana, my dearest personal trainer remains a secret.
So now, back and focused...
I chose to actually Zig today and eat rather than my usual habit of cleansing by fasting first. The thing is, I was not eating my normal raw and whole diet while I was away and need to renourish myself so I don't freak out and binge again. For dinner I had a mega binge buster meal.
Binge Buster Bowl
about half a cup of lightly sweetened granola (health food store stuff)
a half cup of dried goji berries
about 2 tablespoons of raw cacao (chocolate) nibs
a teaspoon of sunflower seeds
a handful of frozen blueberries
topped with oat milk
I won't lie. It is a heavy little bowl of food. I let it sit so the goji berries would soak and soften a bit.
Know Your Goji
Goji berries have immune strengthening ingredients not found in any other plant.
They have more vitamin C and anti-oxidants than any other food by a long shot.
Best of all...
They are an appetite suppressant!
Tomorrow I'll be back to a Zag day... or maybe fast. I really want to fast, but I think it's the wrong time of the month for that. I'm right in my PMDD to PMS zone and I have to try not to do anything too drastic during that time or my chemical balances go wacky and I get really manic... mega mood swings to severe depression. Right now I'm trying to balance it out with getting plenty of sleep and good raw nutrition. We'll see how I do. Thanks to the PMDD crap, I end up fighting two battles instead of just the one with my weight. Sux. :P
Anyway, I may Zag, but not starve. I think I might plan another week long water fast for after my period though... TMI OMG FREAKOUT. hehehe You know, we all have them, so sue me. Actually, I guess some of us don't get them regularly anymore... fuck... technicality. ;)
So that's it! Hugs all around! It's good to be back! <3xox<3
Saturday, July 24, 2010
What A Wonderful World...
Sarcastic?
Sincere?
Both?
Yeah I'm usually both. How is that even possible? I have no idea. That's just me. I'm happy, cheerful, and miserable all rolled into one very strange storm of passionate personality.
I'm sleepy too. So why do I end up acting more hyper the more tired I am?
I'm a conundrum wrapped in a clusterfuck submerged in a mystery sprinkled with ridiculousness and neatly placed in a box of I-don't-give-a-shit.
Today is a Zag day. Little or no food. I've come to really prefer these days. I lost another pound. But I'm in a phase where it doesn't make me happy. The thrill has worn off. I mean, I'm glad I lost. But after losing so much and having so much more to go, I'm in that no-man's land of neither here nor there. I hate neither here nor there. It reminds me of when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old. Worst fucking years ever. When you're under 18 you're under-age fine. But between 18 and 20 you're an adult... but an adult that can't go to clubs, or drink. Lame. I'm not saying I didn't drink. But I wanted to club. Fucking in-between. Then you hit 21 and the fog lifts.
Well I'm still in the fog of weight loss. Everyone tells me I lost so much weight. I have a hard time replying graciously because I still disgust myself and feel like I have soooooo far to go. 20 lbs is nice, but I have 30 lbs more to go. I'm not even half way there yet, so let's not have any parties just yet.
But even if I'm down, I keep on because I have to. All that matters is the number on the scale. And I love my Zag days! <3<3<3 Sooooo much!! I've had about 150 cals today so far. Might have a salad later if I'm really hungry. NO PRESSURE TO EAT! Yay!!! XD See? THAT makes me happy. :)
The Zig days like yesterday are hard. I'm basically doing every other day, because it's easier to remember. Zig days I usually am WAY short on cals when dinner comes around and I freak out trying to think of ways to get enough calories to keep my body out of starvation mode. I've gone for popcorn or a tablespoon of peanut butter to beef up my calories without eating absolute garbage. Most of the day I just have fruit and veggies. I'm big on celery. I don't eat red meat anymore at all and almost never eat cheese... Sometimes I'll have a cup of Oat Milk for more cals.
A general Zig day menu is like this:
Usually that's where my day ends. I don't eat in bed anymore or snack after dinner usually. Yesterday I made popcorn with a ton of butter and nutritional yeast on it, but I didn't eat much. Still it probably bumped me up at least 100 cals. Or maybe I'll have a square of chocolate, or if I'm at my sister's house I'll have some brie and crackers. Those things put me up another 100 to 300 cals depending and then I might end the day where I should for it to actually be a Zig day.
I do not look at the scale at the end of a Zig day. In fact, I don't touch the scale in the morning after a Zig day. I don't want to know. I only weigh myself after a day or two of Zag days when I'm nice and empty.
It's working though. I dropped another stubborn ass pound even though I'm working out and gaining muscle.
In case you wanted to know, here's a few average Zag days:
Those days suit me just fine. :) Like today. I'm not hungry. And since I've been raw again, no binges. Thank my lucky stars! I can't tell you how much easier (and less embarrassing) this all is without binge freak-outs. I think I only have one once a month when I pms and that is ALL. Hooray!
I know I've said it so many times, but if you really don't ever want to binge again, go low carb for two weeks like on Atkins induction, then go 80 or 90% raw. You won't binge. You won't even want to.
xox and more xxooxx :)
Sincere?
Both?
Yeah I'm usually both. How is that even possible? I have no idea. That's just me. I'm happy, cheerful, and miserable all rolled into one very strange storm of passionate personality.
I'm sleepy too. So why do I end up acting more hyper the more tired I am?
I'm a conundrum wrapped in a clusterfuck submerged in a mystery sprinkled with ridiculousness and neatly placed in a box of I-don't-give-a-shit.
Today is a Zag day. Little or no food. I've come to really prefer these days. I lost another pound. But I'm in a phase where it doesn't make me happy. The thrill has worn off. I mean, I'm glad I lost. But after losing so much and having so much more to go, I'm in that no-man's land of neither here nor there. I hate neither here nor there. It reminds me of when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old. Worst fucking years ever. When you're under 18 you're under-age fine. But between 18 and 20 you're an adult... but an adult that can't go to clubs, or drink. Lame. I'm not saying I didn't drink. But I wanted to club. Fucking in-between. Then you hit 21 and the fog lifts.
Well I'm still in the fog of weight loss. Everyone tells me I lost so much weight. I have a hard time replying graciously because I still disgust myself and feel like I have soooooo far to go. 20 lbs is nice, but I have 30 lbs more to go. I'm not even half way there yet, so let's not have any parties just yet.
But even if I'm down, I keep on because I have to. All that matters is the number on the scale. And I love my Zag days! <3<3<3 Sooooo much!! I've had about 150 cals today so far. Might have a salad later if I'm really hungry. NO PRESSURE TO EAT! Yay!!! XD See? THAT makes me happy. :)
The Zig days like yesterday are hard. I'm basically doing every other day, because it's easier to remember. Zig days I usually am WAY short on cals when dinner comes around and I freak out trying to think of ways to get enough calories to keep my body out of starvation mode. I've gone for popcorn or a tablespoon of peanut butter to beef up my calories without eating absolute garbage. Most of the day I just have fruit and veggies. I'm big on celery. I don't eat red meat anymore at all and almost never eat cheese... Sometimes I'll have a cup of Oat Milk for more cals.
A general Zig day menu is like this:
Breakfast: About a cup or less of granola, with half a cup or less of oat milk. (250 cals or so)
Lunch: A veggie salad with a bit of lettuce but chopped, shredded or julienne veggies. Maybe more like a slaw but without the sugary fatty dressing. I just dress it with salt and lemon juice, or vinegar and olive oil. (about 100 to 250 cals depending on the dressing 300 if I add avocado)
Pre-Dinner Panic: "omg I'm only at 500 cals and am supposed to finish the day between 1200 and 1500 cals!! wtf am I going to do?!?
Snack: A cup of oat milk. (110 cals... up to 610 total)
Dinner: broiled fish, stir-fried veggies still mostly raw, and maybe half a baked potato. TON of godddamn food. :P (about 500 cals... puts me barely at 1100 cals... still low.)
Post-Dinner Panic: "shit! shit! shit! I'm still fucking under! Shiiiiiiit!!!"
Usually that's where my day ends. I don't eat in bed anymore or snack after dinner usually. Yesterday I made popcorn with a ton of butter and nutritional yeast on it, but I didn't eat much. Still it probably bumped me up at least 100 cals. Or maybe I'll have a square of chocolate, or if I'm at my sister's house I'll have some brie and crackers. Those things put me up another 100 to 300 cals depending and then I might end the day where I should for it to actually be a Zig day.
I do not look at the scale at the end of a Zig day. In fact, I don't touch the scale in the morning after a Zig day. I don't want to know. I only weigh myself after a day or two of Zag days when I'm nice and empty.
It's working though. I dropped another stubborn ass pound even though I'm working out and gaining muscle.
In case you wanted to know, here's a few average Zag days:
Fasting. Period.
or
Water for breakfast, gum for lunch, and one small meal for dinner.
or
Water for breakfast, literally one or two bites of my kids food for lunch, a salad or 6 celery sticks or a couple bites of my kids' leftovers from dinner. No meals other than a salad maybe. (never more than 400 cals for the whole day... usually not even close.)
Those days suit me just fine. :) Like today. I'm not hungry. And since I've been raw again, no binges. Thank my lucky stars! I can't tell you how much easier (and less embarrassing) this all is without binge freak-outs. I think I only have one once a month when I pms and that is ALL. Hooray!
I know I've said it so many times, but if you really don't ever want to binge again, go low carb for two weeks like on Atkins induction, then go 80 or 90% raw. You won't binge. You won't even want to.
xox and more xxooxx :)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Feast or Famine
For me, there is no middle ground.I feasted for decades. It really showed. I could blame it on the babies I had, but that would be a plain old lie. 3 kids, and I never ended up weighing more than I started at by the end of the first year just naturally. It was the feasting. Stuffing. Gorging. Slamming food into me until it hurt and I was happy, only to do it again a couple hours later. It's a sickness. An illness of both mind and body. I'd probably say of souls too, but I'm still on the fence about if I believe we have them.
I did healthy, but still binged. I couldn't stop myself.
Then April 26th 2010, this year, something in me snapped. I've starved before once or twice for a year or two in times of extreme hardship. I have a good husband, so many friends... but the lack of love (no, not sex, believe me) in my life resulting from my weight, the lack of attention became very apparent.
Know thy enemy and know thy self.
I knew my enemy was my binge disorder... which meant my enemy was food. So I stopped eating, and began this blog. I am in a love affair with Ana. I've found I love starving. I lost weight. Everything was going so well for months. Then she turned on me too. My body well into starvation mode started plateauing and even gaining off nearly no calories. Starvation mode.
Shit! After all I went through. I want to be skinny more than anything else! So now, I have to eat to lose. Starving is so much easier! I can do feast, and I can do famine... but healthy? I'm having a very hard time with healthy. I'm not binging. That's not my problem now. haha Crazy... I can't believe over-eating isn't my problem for a change. Now my problem is eating. I don't want to.
When I eat the amount of calories I should... well ok, let's back up here. I DON'T eat the amount I "should"... never get there. When I eat an amount of calories closer to what I should, I feel like vomiting. Mind you, I'm not Mia. I physically have a hard time vomiting and may have only twice in the last 15 years, only if I drank too much. But eating now... ugh... I feel like dying. Probably why I don't binge. I don't think I can. I get 1/4th of the way there and get sick. Fuck the rest.
Feast or famine... FAMINE PLEASE!
So shit. I'm really into the zigzagging, but I don't think I can do minimum of 1300 cals like I "should." Not yet anyway. What I'm going to try is more like this:
Monday - 930
Tuesday - 820
Wednesday - 1876 (The year of Custer's last stand.)
Thursday - 820
Friday - 1580 (The year Michel de Montaigne first published his Essays.)
Saturday - 930
Sunday - 1718 (The year of Black Beard the Pirate's last battle.)
Holy shit. That 1876 cal day is going to be interesting. On the other hand, I'm also going raw, and I'm not sure how to get that many calories eating raw. Maybe dates, avocados, bananas, and mangos. Veggies sure as hell aren't going to get me there. Way to complicate things.
That's it, shake me up and let me roll. We'll see how it all turns out.
Oh, one more thing though... I will never give up sushi. I don't care what damn diet I'm doing. So there. ;)
xox
UPDATE
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Shit... this means I still need to eat about 400 more calories today! /sigh This is not going to be easy. Popcorn to the rescue? Wait... that's cooked. Shit. Well no one is perfect.
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