I'm moving to Maui, Loves. I am.
I was setting it as one of my goals to get myself in top shape, but things have changed. I have to make some edits here, but don't have time yet. I have a month or so to pull my life up from its only half committed roots here in California, box them, and ship them overseas.
As for my updates regarding my personal progress and life:
I am still in love with yoga. It is such a life-changer. Not in a spiritual or mystical sense... Physically, it is transformational, and as a result it is mentally and hormonally transformational too. I need it. I think it's my new addiction.
My food addiction has been manageable for the most part. Setting my sights on raw eating has helped me a lot. Shoot for the stars and you might hit the moon. That's good enough for me. So I haven't kept on my target but it's helped me not to relapse into hurting myself with food. On the other hand, after being on Maui during my last trip and eating other people's food, my diet has decayed into kinda healthy instead of super healthy like it should be.
Another impact of my Maui trip back in Oct-Nov is that once I came back, I was sooooooo depressed. omg it was awful. In fact I've been sick almost nonstop since. I feel like my whole body is rejecting my life out here. I'm so glad I finally can actually go, but believe me, it can't come soon enough.
Maui is a great travel destination, but honestly, most people can't stand living there. Or can't manage to. It's a bit of a culture clash. So I understand my move and my enthusiasm isn't for everyone. For me it's really just home though. Take away the whole marketing sell and tropical promotion and luxury stuff, and what this really is is me moving home. I couldn't be happier. Until I get there I suppose. ;)
Well, life calls. Back to the salt mines for me. And packing!
Showing posts with label My Tales: The Buried Treasure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Tales: The Buried Treasure. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Drinking Air and Eating Sunshine
Hawaii has been good to me.
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.
\\ Rainy Day Today //
I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.
I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.
EATING SUNSHINE
I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)
Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.
For example:
Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.
I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.
What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.
So again, time will tell how well this works for me.
The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)
Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.
And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.
Hearts to all! <3
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
175 Days to My One Year Skinniversary
Not officially skinny yet. I know. But the day I snapped and changed my life completely and uncompromisingly is the day I call my Skinniversary. I look at it like a birthday, or maybe a rebirthday. I'll never forget the day. April 26th, 2010. I almost feel like it's more relevant to me than my birthday.
I'm really looking forward to my Skinniversary. I think it may end up my favorite holiday, seeing how I progress every year.
Just my thoughts for the morning.
I'm really looking forward to my Skinniversary. I think it may end up my favorite holiday, seeing how I progress every year.
Just my thoughts for the morning.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Really Am Lost At Sea
Still in Hawaii.
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
and
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.
I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.
I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.
On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.
Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.
And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.
Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do
Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.
Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!
No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?
See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.
I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.
I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...
Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health
and
Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down
Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's Been Quiet
The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.
Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.
Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.
I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.
Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.
I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.
Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!
Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!
Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.
So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.
My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox
Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.
Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.
I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.
Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.
I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.
Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!
Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!
Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.
So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.
My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand
It is incredible how some small thing can transport you through time and space to a single moment in your life. The world of now melts away, meaningless... A wave of sound or smell sweeps you up and fills every sense you have. Instantly you're gone.
"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."
The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?
"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."
Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.
"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"
It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.
"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."
Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.
14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.
Play.
"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."
The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?
"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."
Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.
"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"
It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.
"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."
Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.
14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.
Play.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Losing Fast! New 10 Year Low!
Ok, I was freaked out about the healthy thing, but yesterday I was down a lb. to 162.6 (had been up one even during fasting).
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
This morning I'm 161.0!!
Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!
I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.
So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.
I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.
Like yesterday's calories...
NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]
NUTRITION TOTALS:
| Total Cal.: | 900.55 | Total Fat: | 57.00 | Total Cholesterol.: | 1298.13 |
| Total Sodium: | 1565.55 | Total Carbs: | 54.00 | Total Fiber: | 16.73 |
| Total Sugar: | 8.64 | Total Protein: | 104.73 | Total Water: | 3.05 |
| Total Points: | 0.00 |
Weeee!
Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.
Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.
To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)
I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.
<3<3
Monday, September 27, 2010
Gone Fishing...
You guys were right. My husband really didn't know what he was saying. We had a few talks about it, some fights about it. I broke down and explained some of it. Hopes, fears, and laid out pretty much everything I'm into and dealing with about my weight, being skinny, having purged, fasting, what I do and where I'm headed.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.
I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.
I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.
Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.
I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting
I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
xox <3
-=Elle
I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.
I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.
I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.
I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.
So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.
That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.
I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!
Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.
Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.
Nothing tastes this good:
xox <3
-=Elle
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Journal's New Clothes
I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.
It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.
I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...
Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.
I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)
Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3
Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox
It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.
I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...
Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.
I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)
Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3
Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lifted Fog & Smiling Seas
I'm feeling better now. Funny how everything changes when the hormonal nonsense goes away. I feel completely stable. I'm not worried about the purge anymore and think it's a bit silly I ever was. I haven't binged in 5 days that I can remember. I've decided to start taking notes on how long I can go without binging. Since it's just a small update, I'll put it up on my tumblr/twitter. Somehow looking at that number as a high score makes me feel more driven not to slip and binge.
I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.
I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.
Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.
I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....
Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.
Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.
I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.
I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.
Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.
I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.
Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Alligator Tears...
The story of the Mia girl Alita totally made me cry. The part that was a normal day in her life. I've watched this whole show so far without getting very bothered or emotional until now. Her day... her eating... omg :( X( the binge... That is the closest thing I've seen to how I have eaten much of my life. I didn't do the purge. I don't except for the one time. But the eating..... /cry I feel so sick and sad right now. That eating, the lack of control. That's what I'm fighting. 6 plates of food! Go watch that part... watch it if you want to know me. :( Not the purging, just the eating.
That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.
I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.
That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.
I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.
In Dreams
Last night I dreamt of a drawing I did a long time ago. It was of a nude woman, about a 6 on the fat skinny spectrum... with fat and curves, but beautiful. She was the concept of a real woman... just drawn in oil pastel and I piece of cardboard.
In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.
Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.
I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".
-= Comments =-
@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.
I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.
In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.
I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".
-= Comments =-
@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.
I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone
Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.
I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.
Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.
But...
BUT...
This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.
Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.
As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.
I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.
The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.
Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.
Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
Let's do this! Skinny here we come!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis
Fasting today with some fellow ana twitterbugs. It feels good. I'm such a food whore. Every time my mind wanders for 5 min it's to food. I'm not hungry though, not tired. I feel great actually! So what's with the foodlust? I hate that. I hate being a slave to habit. I agree with eating to live and being healthy, but I also think being a slave to habit takes away your control and is a mental illness. I really think that until I only eat because I am actually hungry, I don't deserve to eat. I am going to reprogram myself if it's the last thing I do. Fuck you Ed(nos), you prick!
One thing that has kept me very controlled today has been the purge on Sunday. I still really dislike that it came to that. Why didn't I have the control to not put that awful shit in my body in the first place? It wasn't a binge, it was just a bad choice. But I knew it too! And I let myself eat it, and let myself get sick, and now made me wonder if I'm justifying what might be a developing path to Mia. These fears make fasting much easier. My lack of discipline set me up with a really bad day, so I'm very determined to let it never happen again. I love Ana because she is pristine, she is clean, and her views on food balance habits. I am not anorexic. I don't like Mia. She disgusts me a bit as she represents everything dirty that Ana does not. Mia loses control, Mia binges, Mia has vomit on her breath and scars on her knuckles... she is both the crime and the punishment.
What's funny is, I think at this point my ed falls into the Mia category... officially.
Check out the definitions:
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating.
Anorexia (deriving from the Greek "α(ν)-" (a(n)-, a prefix that denotes absence) + "όρεξη" (orexe) = appetite) is the decreased sensation of appetite. While the term in non-scientific publications is often used interchangeably with anorexia nervosa, many possible causes exist for a decreased appetite, some of which may be harmless, while others indicate a serious clinical condition, or pose a significant risk.
VS
Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviors. The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common.
The word bulimia derives from the Latin (būlīmia), which originally comes from the Greek βουλιμία (boulīmia; ravenous hunger), a compound of βους (bous), ox + λιμός (līmos), hunger.
Ok.... First, I'm not underweight. In fact, I have no intention of becoming under anything I consider underweight for my body. I think at 5'10" anything under 120 would be unhealthy for me. I have no plans to go under 120 ever. Second, as far as I know, I don't have any worse dysmorphic disorder or irrational body image than any other woman does. (Most women do think they look somewhat fatter than they actually do. Men tend to think they look thinner.)
What I DO is yes, I fast to lose weight, take diet pills, and diuretics... and I do this because in the past I binged on a regular basis. I've used the concept of Ana the Goddess of Purity and Control to curb my binging. And though I've only purged once, it would seem that I fall way farther into the Mia category than the Ana one. Apparently one does not have to purge regularly or at all to be bulimic.
Interesting. :P Not sure how I feel about all this. If I've fallen into Mia, according to those definitions, it isn't the first time. It's actually gone this way about 3 times in my life for a year or so at a time. This time I swear I will ride it to my goal. This time will be different because I will defeat the ugly side of Mia... the binges.
But where does this all leave me? I thought I was pro-ana. Am I? I'm not pro-mia, but I guess I've woken up in the arms of Mia and apparently I've been here for longer than I thought.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
/sigh.
Well no matter what I am, I'm happy in this community. And even if I'm Mia and not Ana, I'm not changing my fucking name again because I've done it too goddamn much! hehehe :) Plus Mia Banana sounds like shit.
At the end of the day, I'm just Elle anyway. And hopefully by the end of this journey I'll be Elle skinny. Maybe then I'll change my name again. Maybe by then I'll have earned it.
One thing that has kept me very controlled today has been the purge on Sunday. I still really dislike that it came to that. Why didn't I have the control to not put that awful shit in my body in the first place? It wasn't a binge, it was just a bad choice. But I knew it too! And I let myself eat it, and let myself get sick, and now made me wonder if I'm justifying what might be a developing path to Mia. These fears make fasting much easier. My lack of discipline set me up with a really bad day, so I'm very determined to let it never happen again. I love Ana because she is pristine, she is clean, and her views on food balance habits. I am not anorexic. I don't like Mia. She disgusts me a bit as she represents everything dirty that Ana does not. Mia loses control, Mia binges, Mia has vomit on her breath and scars on her knuckles... she is both the crime and the punishment.
What's funny is, I think at this point my ed falls into the Mia category... officially.
Check out the definitions:
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating.
Anorexia (deriving from the Greek "α(ν)-" (a(n)-, a prefix that denotes absence) + "όρεξη" (orexe) = appetite) is the decreased sensation of appetite. While the term in non-scientific publications is often used interchangeably with anorexia nervosa, many possible causes exist for a decreased appetite, some of which may be harmless, while others indicate a serious clinical condition, or pose a significant risk.
VS
Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviors. The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common.
The word bulimia derives from the Latin (būlīmia), which originally comes from the Greek βουλιμία (boulīmia; ravenous hunger), a compound of βους (bous), ox + λιμός (līmos), hunger.
Ok.... First, I'm not underweight. In fact, I have no intention of becoming under anything I consider underweight for my body. I think at 5'10" anything under 120 would be unhealthy for me. I have no plans to go under 120 ever. Second, as far as I know, I don't have any worse dysmorphic disorder or irrational body image than any other woman does. (Most women do think they look somewhat fatter than they actually do. Men tend to think they look thinner.)
What I DO is yes, I fast to lose weight, take diet pills, and diuretics... and I do this because in the past I binged on a regular basis. I've used the concept of Ana the Goddess of Purity and Control to curb my binging. And though I've only purged once, it would seem that I fall way farther into the Mia category than the Ana one. Apparently one does not have to purge regularly or at all to be bulimic.
Interesting. :P Not sure how I feel about all this. If I've fallen into Mia, according to those definitions, it isn't the first time. It's actually gone this way about 3 times in my life for a year or so at a time. This time I swear I will ride it to my goal. This time will be different because I will defeat the ugly side of Mia... the binges.
But where does this all leave me? I thought I was pro-ana. Am I? I'm not pro-mia, but I guess I've woken up in the arms of Mia and apparently I've been here for longer than I thought.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
/sigh.
Well no matter what I am, I'm happy in this community. And even if I'm Mia and not Ana, I'm not changing my fucking name again because I've done it too goddamn much! hehehe :) Plus Mia Banana sounds like shit.
At the end of the day, I'm just Elle anyway. And hopefully by the end of this journey I'll be Elle skinny. Maybe then I'll change my name again. Maybe by then I'll have earned it.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Said I'd Read...
Well I did. And that was pathetic. To those of you who have posted in the last week, YAY! I love you! To everyone else, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
A couple disappeared, a few got lazy, some went into recovery, and Scarlet moved over to tumblr (http://thinneverland.tumblr.com/).
Bah, I say! BAH!
Twitter is super active. Tumblr is alive and well. But Blogger is taking a crap nap.
I'm not happy about this. I'm not leaving either... but since tumblr and twitter are so well integrated and I spend so much time on twitter, I'm gonna make me a tumblr thing too. If any of you have bloggies over there, let me know so I can follows them. ;)
<3
P.S. I'd never leave this blog. Not until my work here is done anyway. This is where it all began for me. It's all here. And I'm a very loyal sort. :) xox
A couple disappeared, a few got lazy, some went into recovery, and Scarlet moved over to tumblr (http://thinneverland.tumblr.com/).
Bah, I say! BAH!
Twitter is super active. Tumblr is alive and well. But Blogger is taking a crap nap.
I'm not happy about this. I'm not leaving either... but since tumblr and twitter are so well integrated and I spend so much time on twitter, I'm gonna make me a tumblr thing too. If any of you have bloggies over there, let me know so I can follows them. ;)
<3
P.S. I'd never leave this blog. Not until my work here is done anyway. This is where it all began for me. It's all here. And I'm a very loyal sort. :) xox
Friday, September 3, 2010
Everyone is a Mess/PMDD Post
I have PMDD... anyone else?
PMDD is PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. To say it is like PMS on steroids would be a gross understatement. It's bad. Real bad. Kind of like a lunar cyclical bipolarism.
Wikipedia, bring us the symptom and diagnosis list...
The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include
....thanks Wikipedia.
The red ones are the ones I commonly get during that hellacious two weeks. Actually, they're missing paranoia.
I am in the thick of my PMDD right now. I was actually feeling sad today that my blog hasn't had more comments and that it used to before, and maybe people here in the Ana community hate me now. Yes, I know thats not true. /sigh I thank my lucky stars I've been tracking my PMDD for a while (years now) and I know what it sounds like. The sane part of my brain recognizes the crazy part a bit better these days. It's taken a ton of practice to get to this point. I wanted to mention all of it though because it could be a possible reason some of you guys also have binge eating issues or relationship problems or who knows how many other personality issues we all struggle with.
Try to be mindful of your freakouts and see if they tend to fall into that 2 week window before your period.
I had no idea of any of this for the longest time. Every month is like a bipolar rollercoaster. 2 weeks sane, then 2 weeks crazy as fuck.
I don't know how many of you may have PMDD too, but I have noticed that the ProAna bloggy world is a little quiet and crabby right now... ok maybe worse... like off their game and miserable as fuck.
Glad to know I'm not the only one, but still sorry everyone is going through it.
<3
Elle Ana Banana
PMDD is PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. To say it is like PMS on steroids would be a gross understatement. It's bad. Real bad. Kind of like a lunar cyclical bipolarism.
Wikipedia, bring us the symptom and diagnosis list...
The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include
- feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
- feelings of tension or anxiety
- increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
- panic attacks
- mood swings, crying
- lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts. Typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
- apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
- difficulty concentrating
- fatigue
- food cravings or binge eating
- insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
- feeling overwhelmed or "out of control"
- increase or decrease in sex drive
- increased need for emotional closeness
- physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose
Other symptoms that are common and more specific to PMDD include:
- physical symptoms such as breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscle pain.
- an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.
Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the 2 weeks before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.
....thanks Wikipedia.
The red ones are the ones I commonly get during that hellacious two weeks. Actually, they're missing paranoia.
I am in the thick of my PMDD right now. I was actually feeling sad today that my blog hasn't had more comments and that it used to before, and maybe people here in the Ana community hate me now. Yes, I know thats not true. /sigh I thank my lucky stars I've been tracking my PMDD for a while (years now) and I know what it sounds like. The sane part of my brain recognizes the crazy part a bit better these days. It's taken a ton of practice to get to this point. I wanted to mention all of it though because it could be a possible reason some of you guys also have binge eating issues or relationship problems or who knows how many other personality issues we all struggle with.
Try to be mindful of your freakouts and see if they tend to fall into that 2 week window before your period.
I had no idea of any of this for the longest time. Every month is like a bipolar rollercoaster. 2 weeks sane, then 2 weeks crazy as fuck.
I don't know how many of you may have PMDD too, but I have noticed that the ProAna bloggy world is a little quiet and crabby right now... ok maybe worse... like off their game and miserable as fuck.
Glad to know I'm not the only one, but still sorry everyone is going through it.
<3
Elle Ana Banana
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 1
-- Progress Tracking --
Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.
Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Personal Entry
Not much of a personal entry to speak of today. I'm under 100 cals for the day, but the day isn't over yet. Dinner is coming up. I project around 100 calories. If I eat anything tonight with the family, it will just be for show. Maybe some salad with a plain vinaigrette and some more herbal tea.
I'll be posting in this format this month... I hope. :) Need strict efforts and tracking! I AM SUPER OCD GIRL!!! TAADAA!! hehehe
But seriously. I need to lose as much as I can this month. I'm tempted to make a rule that in the house I can only wear clothes one size smaller than me and hardly eat until those damn clothes fit. hehe New, extreme, but maybe it would keep me focused. If I do it, I'll definitely let you know.
Gotta get back to the fam now. If I leave my grandmother for more than 15 minutes she starts calling me... like she thinks I died. She's a sweetie though. A nice, smothering sweetie. But I don't see her that often, so other than her forcing me to eat I'm glad she's here.
Until next time...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
"I-Eat-Mop"
....
lmao... I have issues.
;)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
More Identity Crisis!
I'm like a two faced teddy bear. Both sides fight. Part of me is so happy. And when I'm happy, loving, and feeling loved I get content and don't try as hard to lose weight. I feel good enough. That's healthy right? WRONG! Why? Because others aren't content with me and won't be until I'm thin. And part of me will never be completely happy until I'm thin. So what the fuck. My happiness is self-sabotaging my happiness? That is a backwards-ass problem if I ever heard one. And since when is it bad to be happy. That's how I know this world is fucked and anyone having a hard time with it, or being depressed about it is also healthy. Those people who run around thinking everything is fine and normal scare me. They clearly have no idea what the hell is going on. They are maybe one degree smarter than sandwich meat, and if someone decided to put them between bread and end it all, I wouldn't complain.Sorry I've been a bit missing-in-action. I've been summering. Have company visiting, done more traveling, and am pretty much enjoying myself while trying to not balloon into a flab-filled parade float.
hehe gross.
I haven't lost a pound in a month. Isn't that sad? I haven't been trying. Not really. I haven't gained anything either. Maybe I did lose one pound. I'm sitting at 163ish. Fuck that's heavy! For me that's still hell of heavy. I need to focus. I need to not let the compliments, and guys hitting on me go to my head and keep my mind on the goal.
EYE ON THE PRIZE BITCHES, EYE ON THE PRIZE!
My prize is 130 lbs. I dropped my first 20 lbs pretty quick. I need to get back after it and drop another 20. At my height, I'll look damn fine at 140... but 130 is heaven. Then a lil surgery plastico to get rid of all the preggy stretched skin, and I'm golden.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot! The preggo scare. That also tripped me up. Another reason why I wasn't fasting or extreme restricting. But I'm not pregnant! Yay!! As Scarlet said, not against kids or anything (I have a few already...) but I need to get my body back.
So ok, I'm pumped. Lets do this. I'm not stopping until I'm another 20 lbs down.
Hugs n hearts to my sisters!
xox
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
FML FTW? WTF?
Yes, Fuck My Life For The Win. FML FTW.
I'm fucked this week. How are you? Fucked too? Excellent. Fascinating that there can be such a broad spectrum of fuckednesses going on in so many lives, no two the same. Like finger prints.
Well, lots of things are going well for me in my life. I am grateful for that much. But it seems that the issues are drawing more attention than the positives. Problems are such fucking drama queens aren't they? They MUST have the spotlight and hate to share.
My drama queen this week comes in the form of a stomach flu... or possibly pregnancy which would be much worse and a much bigger drama queen. We might have had too much fun in Vegas while I was drunk. I'm not a fan of the pill (won't do it) so we've been using condoms. Apparently we were out. Sober that would have been the end of that, but drunk off my ass and I have a whole different set of priorities. I blame him. HE was sober. And he knew my wishes.
I may not be pregnant. I hope to fuck not. It would ruin all I've done here and set me back years. I think I'd go vegan. I'd have to. Grrr.... well enough of that. Speculation is the mother of bullshit. If I am, I'll tell you. Won't know for another week and a half or so. Yay. I love waiting so much. FML.
Back to the "bright side"...
The preferable part of my FML is if this sickness I'm dealing with is a stomach flu or something. I haven't been able to digest food since Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today anything I eat comes out how it went down. I've mostly felt fine despite my potty issues. And I've been really excited to be missing all those calories! XD But I went and complicated things yesterday I think by eating some things that are very difficult to digest. Asian fried shrimp with shells on, and later on clams and corn in a very yummy clam bake. Normally, those would be hard to digest, but fine. In this case, it is murder. I was up half the night last night as it tore through my stomach and intestines. I had cold sweats last night and hot sweats this morning. I feel sooooooo fucked in my tum tum. :( I feel like puking, but can't. Horrible nausea.
The down side to my symptoms is that I'm starting to get dehydrated. My legs were cramping in my sleep last night and my lips feel dry this morning. I keep drinking lots of water. I dunno if its good enough.
But BUT BUT!
I'm pretty excited about it. My food isn't digesting. So that means if I want to avoid dehydration from the potty problems, I need to WATER FAST! Yay!! Maybe juice or some soup. I haven't been able to do a long water fast because of how worn out I get. But if I can call in sick days because I'm SICK and my husband has to look after the kids, I can sneak a lengthy fast in there. Plus I probably shouldn't be eating for a day or two anyway while the tummy recovers. So apart from feeling like hell, it's a win/win situation.
How have you guys been? Good I hope. Hanging in and sticking to your goals?
I'm fucked this week. How are you? Fucked too? Excellent. Fascinating that there can be such a broad spectrum of fuckednesses going on in so many lives, no two the same. Like finger prints.
Well, lots of things are going well for me in my life. I am grateful for that much. But it seems that the issues are drawing more attention than the positives. Problems are such fucking drama queens aren't they? They MUST have the spotlight and hate to share.
My drama queen this week comes in the form of a stomach flu... or possibly pregnancy which would be much worse and a much bigger drama queen. We might have had too much fun in Vegas while I was drunk. I'm not a fan of the pill (won't do it) so we've been using condoms. Apparently we were out. Sober that would have been the end of that, but drunk off my ass and I have a whole different set of priorities. I blame him. HE was sober. And he knew my wishes.
I may not be pregnant. I hope to fuck not. It would ruin all I've done here and set me back years. I think I'd go vegan. I'd have to. Grrr.... well enough of that. Speculation is the mother of bullshit. If I am, I'll tell you. Won't know for another week and a half or so. Yay. I love waiting so much. FML.
Back to the "bright side"...
The preferable part of my FML is if this sickness I'm dealing with is a stomach flu or something. I haven't been able to digest food since Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today anything I eat comes out how it went down. I've mostly felt fine despite my potty issues. And I've been really excited to be missing all those calories! XD But I went and complicated things yesterday I think by eating some things that are very difficult to digest. Asian fried shrimp with shells on, and later on clams and corn in a very yummy clam bake. Normally, those would be hard to digest, but fine. In this case, it is murder. I was up half the night last night as it tore through my stomach and intestines. I had cold sweats last night and hot sweats this morning. I feel sooooooo fucked in my tum tum. :( I feel like puking, but can't. Horrible nausea.
The down side to my symptoms is that I'm starting to get dehydrated. My legs were cramping in my sleep last night and my lips feel dry this morning. I keep drinking lots of water. I dunno if its good enough.
But BUT BUT!
I'm pretty excited about it. My food isn't digesting. So that means if I want to avoid dehydration from the potty problems, I need to WATER FAST! Yay!! Maybe juice or some soup. I haven't been able to do a long water fast because of how worn out I get. But if I can call in sick days because I'm SICK and my husband has to look after the kids, I can sneak a lengthy fast in there. Plus I probably shouldn't be eating for a day or two anyway while the tummy recovers. So apart from feeling like hell, it's a win/win situation.
How have you guys been? Good I hope. Hanging in and sticking to your goals?
Hugs to all!
xox
xox
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