My Husband Is So Insensitive! Cruel even!

He wants a perfect wife. A trophy. 5 months ago he told me I am not his wife. I guess because I'm not the "me" that he wants. He complained that he has a fat wife. That shocked me into Ana. I would starve for him. He deserved the best right? I love him, I should at least give him that much. And if he doesn't appreciate me then, he doesn't deserve me. But maybe at this weight I deserve the truth. I'm fat.

I lost 20 lbs pretty much right away. Then I plateaued and slacked off. He was happier, so I was happier. But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near my best yet. So lately I've recommitted. I've been cutting cals aggressively, and now I'm fasting.

I've only eaten one meal and one snack in the last 5 days. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm a bit grumpy. Yes, my kitchen got messy. He doesn't know how dizzy I've been today. He has no idea. And I've slipped a bit at home, but I'm functional. I've taken the kids all over all week. I've cleaned the house, reorganized our room, kept things clean. I haven't complained.

Tonight he asked about dinner and I asked him to make it since I'm fasting today, am totally starving, and have been dizzy all day (on my feet in 100 degrees out with my daughter and some friends most of the day).

He says thanks alot. He goes in the kitchen and then calls me. It's messy. This is ridiculous.

I come to help him out. Straighten out some dishes, clear the counters.

He gets upset there's stuff cluttering the bar.

I tell him I am not doing that now. There is too much stuff, yes it's mine, but I will take care of that later.

He puts me on the spot about it because I'm fasting. I shouldn't be if I can't keep up.

I tell remind him he wanted me to lose weight. I'm working hard on it, but it's hard.

He says you're doing it wrong. You should do it my way.

I say that my way I could lose 20 lbs in a month. (Not that I should, just that I could.)

He presses. Oh yeah? Give me a date. Tell me when you'll be done. 20 lbs in a month? Let's write that down!

I say no! I have no intention of losing that much that fast. I said I'd cap my months at 15 lbs just so I don't get sick or something.

He presses me again. How much?? How soon??? What can you do? I'm sick of your bullshit. Tell me now and I'll write it down.

I said I don't know, I was planning to do what I'm doing. Find out what my limits are so I can fast then only eat as much as necessary and fast again but remain functional. I tell him I'd planned on losing 10 to 15 lbs a month.

So he writes on MY whiteboard that I jot my goals on by the refrigerator. He writes October 26 - 153 lbs and circles it huge and dark, messing up my notes around it.

I swear I almost had a panic attack. I can't help crying thinking about it now. That's such a cruel thing to do! Tell me I'm wrong! It's bad enough I am pushing myself so hard, but having him push a weight loss date on me too?? I can't take it!!

I freaked out. We got in a huge fight. Then he basically told me to go to my room. We fought about it some more. I told him I understand he's annoyed I've fallen behind and he wants to know how long he has to put up with it. He yells at me some more about all of it.

I tell him fine! I can starve completely! Take that shit off my board, I'll just stop eating for a month. I don't need to eat anything! You want me to fucking hunger strike all the way immediately?? I don't have to pace it for health reasons, lets fucking go for broke so you can be happy sooner!

He said fine and asked me if I would leave now. Back to my room. I didn't go. So he started putting his shoes on to leave. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Not tonight.

I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to explain to him what he was saying was doing to me. He had no clue how mean and awful what he said was for me and he didn't care. I cried on the bed and said I'd stay in the room. Then I realized all this started when I wouldn't make dinner and do the dishes. So I got up and told him he could get out of the kitchen. I'd handle it. Dizzy and all.

I made dinner.

I cleaned the kitchen.

I didn't eat a bite and I hadn't used a dish I washed.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm so tired. I can't tell now if I'm crying because of that or because it really was as bad as it all feels.

I felt like telling him about my purge a couple weeks ago. I felt like telling him to hurt him. Fuck I felt like throwing up too. Nothing in my stomach to throw up anyway though. I'm so stressed out. I feel like shit. What does he want from me? There are a lot of other things I do in my life I don't talk about here for anonymity's sake. Let's just say that in addition to being a stay-home mom with a toddler, I work full time from home, and take care of the house, kids, and everything, and am trying to lose all this weight... so much more. I don't even feel like typing it because I hate complaining. I love my life. It just hard. And this is hard. It's hardest knowing I never live up to his standards. Lately I'm doing things my way and it works so much better. It's hard, but it works!

I don't know what else to say. I feel lost right now. I hate him for picking that fight with me. And I hate myself for not just getting up immediately and making dinner and cleaning. BUT I know it was not ridiculous for me to ask him to do it. It's the weekend. If he was at work all day, I wouldn't have done that, but he's been laying around watching movies all day and eating while I've been on my FEET ALL DAY AND STARVING FOR HIM!!

/sigh

:(

Fuck you Drama Llama... go fuck around in someone else's life. I like my life drama-free.


Comments......

Anagirlella - Yup I love mine too. Just hard sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion too! <3

Kazehana - Thanks for the advice! I definitely try to stick to veggie juice. I've noticed the sugar rush from fruit juice makes me binge later. You know... I know you're right about the starving. If I develop a bit of willpower I may be able to find that healthy middle ground. I just don't have it right now and I need to get skinny fast as humanly possible. I'll always do my best though.

Sam - I missed u too! <3<3 I may try the egg thing. That's a good idea. Eating just makes me want to eat though. Still, I may give that a shot... like 1 whole egg and 1 egg white or something.

Thx all u guys! <3

Fasting Update

I've been fasting since 10 pm 9/21/10. Today is day 4.

Yesterday (day 3) I had a hard time remaining functional on mostly water and tea like the other days. I know in a true water fast you're supposed to be able to be still, rest, take some time off. I haven't been able to. I had to take my kids places, run errands, go to the pool, etc. I was also trying to exercise a bit days 1 and 2. So yesterday I was feeling a bit weak in my muscles and was starting to get a bit dizzy. It was about to become really unsafe for me to drive. Tried hanging out with friends last night but had to come home around 8 because I was too worn out and the world was swimming.

So last night I did break my fast a bit to eat something to keep me going. I didn't binge at all though. I'm very happy about that.

I had hot portobello broth with bean thread noodles over raw mushroom, onion, and celery with a bit of dry chicken noodle soup mix to make it taste better. Turned out around 408 calories. Kinda more than I wanted. Then before bed wasn't feeling better, so I decided to try and get some protein too and had 2 Morning Star Farms vegetarian sausage patties. 80 cals each.

At the end of the day yesterday I ate about 570 cals. Hmmm... Not thrilled with it. I should have stuck to my plan. I will continue fasting to October 1st though, and I'll add a bit of fruit juice into the equation if I have to. I was doing mostly water, maybe to be active I need to do more juice. The thing about fruit juice though is that there are so many cals, I'd be getting less if I was just freaking eating. :P Bah. I dunno.

Whatever. My world. My fast. My rules. Plus, this is something I am saying I'm going to do until October 1st, but really I'm going to do this as long as I can. Possibly to my goal weight. I want to find that sweet spot where I can continue to function but nearly never eat. Maybe like this, fast 3 days, eat 1 meal, then fast 3 days again. Who knows. I'm enjoying finding my limits. Exploring my body's abilities is fun and feels a bit like yoga. Body play, seeing what feels good, what hurts, and why... where is my breath and focus? I'm having a good time. Why stop?

The only down side is that I've only lost 1 lb. so far. Boo. I want it to come off faster. But I won't reevaluate that until at least this 10 day fast is done.

One adjustment I am going to make now is adding Carnitine back into my day. I think it may have made a big difference last time.

Fuck I can't get a minute to write this. my day is fucking starting off bad. I can't get a minute to think fucking reflect and figure my shit out! Unbelievable. I have like 3 people interrupting. All I want in my morning is to be able to wake up, stretch out a bit, get my calorie restriction head on straight, and check my email. No email for me this morning. I was lucky to have 5 minutes to write this much. FML

/sigh

love you all

Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting

I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.

I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.

I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.

I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.

Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.

I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.

So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.

That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.

I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!

Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.

Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.

Nothing tastes this good:

xox <3
-=Elle

The Journal's New Clothes

I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.

It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.

I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...

Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.

I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)

Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3

Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox

Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

Fasting today with some fellow ana twitterbugs. It feels good. I'm such a food whore. Every time my mind wanders for 5 min it's to food. I'm not hungry though, not tired. I feel great actually! So what's with the foodlust? I hate that. I hate being a slave to habit. I agree with eating to live and being healthy, but I also think being a slave to habit takes away your control and is a mental illness. I really think that until I only eat because I am actually hungry, I don't deserve to eat. I am going to reprogram myself if it's the last thing I do. Fuck you Ed(nos), you prick!

One thing that has kept me very controlled today has been the purge on Sunday. I still really dislike that it came to that. Why didn't I have the control to not put that awful shit in my body in the first place? It wasn't a binge, it was just a bad choice. But I knew it too! And I let myself eat it, and let myself get sick, and now made me wonder if I'm justifying what might be a developing path to Mia. These fears make fasting much easier. My lack of discipline set me up with a really bad day, so I'm very determined to let it never happen again. I love Ana because she is pristine, she is clean, and her views on food balance habits. I am not anorexic. I don't like Mia. She disgusts me a bit as she represents everything dirty that Ana does not. Mia loses control, Mia binges, Mia has vomit on her breath and scars on her knuckles... she is both the crime and the punishment.

What's funny is, I think at this point my ed falls into the Mia category... officially.

Check out the definitions:

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating.
Anorexia (deriving from the Greek "α(ν)-" (a(n)-, a prefix that denotes absence) + "όρεξη" (orexe) = appetite) is the decreased sensation of appetite. While the term in non-scientific publications is often used interchangeably with anorexia nervosa, many possible causes exist for a decreased appetite, some of which may be harmless, while others indicate a serious clinical condition, or pose a significant risk.

VS

Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviors. The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common.
The word bulimia derives from the Latin (būlīmia), which originally comes from the Greek βουλιμία (boulīmia; ravenous hunger), a compound of βους (bous), ox + λιμός (līmos), hunger.


Ok.... First, I'm not underweight. In fact, I have no intention of becoming under anything I consider underweight for my body. I think at 5'10" anything under 120 would be unhealthy for me. I have no plans to go under 120 ever. Second, as far as I know, I don't have any worse dysmorphic disorder or irrational body image than any other woman does. (Most women do think they look somewhat fatter than they actually do. Men tend to think they look thinner.)

What I DO is yes, I fast to lose weight, take diet pills, and diuretics... and I do this because in the past I binged on a regular basis. I've used the concept of Ana the Goddess of Purity and Control to curb my binging. And though I've only purged once, it would seem that I fall way farther into the Mia category than the Ana one. Apparently one does not have to purge regularly or at all to be bulimic.

Interesting. :P Not sure how I feel about all this. If I've fallen into Mia, according to those definitions, it isn't the first time. It's actually gone this way about 3 times in my life for a year or so at a time. This time I swear I will ride it to my goal. This time will be different because I will defeat the ugly side of Mia... the binges.

But where does this all leave me? I thought I was pro-ana. Am I? I'm not pro-mia, but I guess I've woken up in the arms of Mia and apparently I've been here for longer than I thought.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

/sigh.

Well no matter what I am, I'm happy in this community. And even if I'm Mia and not Ana, I'm not changing my fucking name again because I've done it too goddamn much! hehehe :) Plus Mia Banana sounds like shit.

At the end of the day, I'm just Elle anyway. And hopefully by the end of this journey I'll be Elle skinny. Maybe then I'll change my name again. Maybe by then I'll have earned it.

Fasting Till Sunday and Thinspice

Me and a few other proAna twitterlings are fasting together! Yay! Anyone wanna join? We're going today until Sunday. I've really needed this. I am going to try to continue functioning normally. We'll see how that goes. Yesterday was a very low cal day, so I'm off to a good start. The only obstacle that I can see is that my Grandmother is coming to visit this weekend and staying with me for a week. That makes things hard. She's one of those, "Sit down and eat!" kind of people who always thinks everyone is looking too thin. She gives my sister Mei soooooo much crap for being thin. She's model skinny, but not in a gross way. When she wears black and turns sideways, she literally disappears. Can I be her? Please? Only she's 5'3" and I'm 5'10" so there would be a difference, and she'll always be thinner and smaller than me. We'll never share pants. Oh well. Unless she gets fat. For her sake I hope that won't happen. But she's mostly a vegetarian, so I think she'll be fine.

omg I'm rambling aren't I?

hehehe Lacking calories. And I enjoyed a few drinks last night. I kinda miss this light-headed starvation feeling. Aww... why do I let myself get side tracked? I was really doing so well. My plan was working! Ana was kicking the crap out of Ed(nos) and I was losing lbs like a happy girl!

Truth be told, I haven't counted calories in months. Haven't gained/lost any weight at all. Stagnant. Feh. Meh. Pfff....

It's really stupid. I've I'd stayed focused and with it, I'd be another 15 lbs down by now. Or at least 10. What the hell is my problem anyway?

Well I'm back with it. I'm fasting until Sunday. Done and done.

I wish I had thinspice to sprinkle over myself like magic! Skinnidust! Poof!

Starving is the thinspice of life!

Ooh you know who else is my thinspice right now? Candice Swanepoel. I heart her so much. She is to me what Adriana Lima was to my sister Mei. I want to be her. So hot. You know the face. You know the body. I'm completely obsessed with her... right down to her perfect pouting mouth. Maybe because I looked so similar to her once upon a time. Especially with the blond hair, her face shape, full lips, and height... /sigh

Especially this pic. This could easily have been me at 125 lbs.

Tell me it's not too late. Tell me I can still be that hot in this lifetime. I need to get my priorities straight. And I need to do it now.

FML FTW? WTF?

Yes, Fuck My Life For The Win. FML FTW.

I'm fucked this week. How are you? Fucked too? Excellent. Fascinating that there can be such a broad spectrum of fuckednesses going on in so many lives, no two the same. Like finger prints.

Well, lots of things are going well for me in my life. I am grateful for that much. But it seems that the issues are drawing more attention than the positives. Problems are such fucking drama queens aren't they? They MUST have the spotlight and hate to share.

My drama queen this week comes in the form of a stomach flu... or possibly pregnancy which would be much worse and a much bigger drama queen. We might have had too much fun in Vegas while I was drunk. I'm not a fan of the pill (won't do it) so we've been using condoms. Apparently we were out. Sober that would have been the end of that, but drunk off my ass and I have a whole different set of priorities. I blame him. HE was sober. And he knew my wishes.

I may not be pregnant. I hope to fuck not. It would ruin all I've done here and set me back years. I think I'd go vegan. I'd have to. Grrr.... well enough of that. Speculation is the mother of bullshit. If I am, I'll tell you. Won't know for another week and a half or so. Yay. I love waiting so much. FML.

Back to the "bright side"...

The preferable part of my FML is if this sickness I'm dealing with is a stomach flu or something. I haven't been able to digest food since Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today anything I eat comes out how it went down. I've mostly felt fine despite my potty issues. And I've been really excited to be missing all those calories! XD But I went and complicated things yesterday I think by eating some things that are very difficult to digest. Asian fried shrimp with shells on, and later on clams and corn in a very yummy clam bake. Normally, those would be hard to digest, but fine. In this case, it is murder. I was up half the night last night as it tore through my stomach and intestines. I had cold sweats last night and hot sweats this morning. I feel sooooooo fucked in my tum tum. :( I feel like puking, but can't. Horrible nausea.

The down side to my symptoms is that I'm starting to get dehydrated. My legs were cramping in my sleep last night and my lips feel dry this morning. I keep drinking lots of water. I dunno if its good enough.

But BUT BUT!

I'm pretty excited about it. My food isn't digesting. So that means if I want to avoid dehydration from the potty problems, I need to WATER FAST! Yay!! Maybe juice or some soup. I haven't been able to do a long water fast because of how worn out I get. But if I can call in sick days because I'm SICK and my husband has to look after the kids, I can sneak a lengthy fast in there. Plus I probably shouldn't be eating for a day or two anyway while the tummy recovers. So apart from feeling like hell, it's a win/win situation.

How have you guys been? Good I hope. Hanging in and sticking to your goals?

Hugs to all!
xox

Liquid Fasting with OhMyGosh

"Mommy, make me food!"

"Mom, I'm hungry!"

"Mom, do you want me to starve or something?!"

No, but I want to starve or something and it's very hard to do when I'm cooking all the time! My oldest made their own breakfast. I had a shot of liquid carnitine and a glass of water. Made my younger kids sandwiches.

Then I had a bite of sunflower sprouts, took my System Six (weight loss supplement) and got started baking some bread for the kids for later today.

Ok, so it's not a perfect liquid fast, but I have to use about 4 cups of sprouts before they go bad. I'm not throwing my money away. So other than those sprouts, I'm on the OhMyGosh-End-Of-June-Fastravaganza!

From OhMyGosh:

Liquid fast is approaching for the end of June. Starting after your Father's Day cookout, here are the things you can consume:

Allowed
Juice
popcycles
jello
water
diet soda
gum
black coffee

Not Allowed
milkshakes
smoothies
fancy coffees

Sunday night through Thursday night - got any questions?

Well, I don't drink juice... frankly my 4 cups of sprouts have less cals than 1 cup of juice... unless it's carrot or v8. And I don't drink soda... not even diet. Hmm... and no coffee. So my Allowed List looks more like:

Allowed
Juice miso soup
popcycles chicken bullion broth
jello
water
diet soda tea
gum
black coffee liquid carnitine ;) ... hey it's a liquid. lol
and sprouts with lemon juice (131 cal total over the next day or two)

Sounds like a plan. The fast is until thursday, but I think I may just round off the week and go until friday.

And on that note... I smell shit. Time to go change a diaper.

24 Hour Water Fast Complete!

Hey, it ain't much, but it's 24 hours. :) Yay! Did end up eating this evening. A bit rich, but I'm still under 650 cals for the day, so I suppose it's ok. I hadn't planned on eating but, shit happens. But as long as the shit is under 650 I won't be losing sleep about it.

I'm so excited that I dropped lbs this week. Last week felt like such a battle. I think I'm going to go watch Love and Other Disasters. :) I adore that movie. It's so Audrey. I miss Brittany Murphy.

Bye Bye Lbs! I won't miss you!

Yup, the ZigZagging is just what my body was waiting for! I'm down two pounds in just the last 3 days! (Water fasting tonight until 10 pm.)

I had a dress to wear to a wedding over the weekend and it was too big for me!! XD XD I had to wear something else!

I can't wait to see what I shrink out of next!

The only thing that bothers me is knowing that I could have done this at any time if I'd wanted to badly enough. I guess I hadn't had enough of my Ed(nos) yet and I hadn't had enough of being fat. I thought I was happy, but watching these pounds disappear off me makes me happier than any of those other happinesses did.

I want to see my body at its true potential! Nearly 6' and 125 lbs of smart, sexy, hotness. God its going to be great. I might even get to a reasonable weight before I move back the little island in the South Pacific that I grew up on. I'll be able to wear a bikini again in my tropical paradise! How nice will that be? Instead of hiding under some tankini and wrap. Ugh. I ended up in a pic in my swim suit last year... it was horrifying. It is actually up on Facebook. People see it. Makes me want to puke. I can't wait to make those pictures into liars. :) Soon!

It's like OhMyGosh said, by around Christmas I'm going to be a completely different person! XD
<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

Gaga Ooh La La and Water Fast 2 Conclusion

I had some great big important post that I almost wrote last night and swore to myself I'd get to today. Fuck. I forgot every bit of it and it's glory. Damn. My tummy is upset this morning and I can't remember a thing. Feel like shit. If I remember it I'll post.

I ate last night. You know, like a dinner. I didn't track my cals for yesterday but I bet they were at about a grand. It was supposed to be a zigzag day. I'm going to try to zigzag now... you know, have nearly nothing for a day or two, then have the lowest possible non-starvation amount of calories so my body chills about starvation mode. It's supposed to "open up a conversation with your body" so that your body understands that even on restriction, there is no emergency and you have what you need. That way it will keep burning like a happy little calorie steam engine, throwing your fat in the fire. So for the low cal days, I'll be using my Day 1 Perfect Cal Day plan, and will post more as I come up with them.

I fell off the map on my workouts. It's so hard to maintain it with kids. I'm going to try again though because I need it desperately. My weightloss is too slow now and I'm pissed off. I really want to see the 150's. God that would make my day... my week... my month! I haven't weighed 150 anything in probably over 10 years. I'm a bit flubbery and cellulitie at 150, but at 5'10" I look like a person at that weight... not a total fat ass.

P.S. The conclusion of my water fast was that it lasted 3 full days. Then I found myself at the bottom of a few glasses of wine that went a looooooooooong way because I hadn't eaten at all. I was pretty trashed. It was fun. And didn't even take the whole bottle! hah! I'm becoming a cheap date. No food and a shot or two and I'd be all kinds of happy.

Weeeeee Micropost! Water Fast 2 day 3

weeeeeeeeeeee feel like I'm on crack! Chocolate and water fast day 3!

80 calorie days for 2 days so far, and today so far is nothing. NO HORMONE FREAK OUTS SINCE ADDING THE CHOCOLATE! YAY!!!!!!!

POSSIBLY SLIGHT SUGAR RUSH RESULT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA"JHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm off to run errands! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Like Water For Chocolate: Water Fast 2 Day 2

Yesterday was horrible. The lack in calories made my PMDD flare up to a certifiably insane degree. Not good. So I handled it the only way and insane, fat, desperate, fasting person would... I ate chocolate. 80 cals worth of semi-sweet Ghirardelli baking chocolate (58% cacao). And you know what? I'm sane today. Fasting. Hanging in. And sane.

So yes, I had an 80 calorie day which should have been straight water fast, but I don't give a fuck. 80 cals is fine by me.

In fact, around lunch time today I had another 80 cal serving of the chocolate to make sure to get ahead of any PMS/PMDD out-burst that might be resurfacing.

I also just put in an an amazon.com order for raw cacao nibs. Completely raw, TOTALLY unsweetened (bitter as fuck tasting) chocolate. I intend to incorporate it into my diet and see if/how it affects my ability to take in less calories and feel more satisfied.

Water Fast 2 Day 1

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Water fasting again. Last time was really hard. I was ignorantly trying for 10 days and ended at 5. This time I'll be doing 5 days, and this time I have my husband cooking for my kids. He gently suggested a healthy diet and exercise. I shot that bitch down fast. He is very understanding though and is helping me out. He doesn't judge. I love that about him.

People who love you shouldn't try to control you. They might try to inspire you or even educate you, but beyond that, they can't change your mind or heart. I'm glad Jae isn't trying to change mine.

So I have to go do some shopping for him today and run some other errands. I'm really excited about this fast. The last one was a son of a bitch.

This time, I'm going to use distilled water. I didn't do that last time. I'm also going to stay off the caffeine... had to learn that the hard way last time. And I may or may not take Carnatine. I'm not sure yet. I think I'd like to try keeping it simple this time.

Talk you you lovies later! <333

iFast... because everything else is just too slow.

Planning another 5 day water fast. With 3 kids, it really does take planning. And help. So I'm setting it up. My husband is helping facilitate so I can stay away from the food this time. Last time it was so hard being around the kids at meal times... not to mention cooking for them. I can't do it.

I've tried for 3 day fasts lately and can't get through day 2 while cooking for everyone. I am restricting ok, and not binging, but I can't fast under those conditions. No way!

I don't know what he's going to do. He works all day. But he accepted the job, so I guess he can do it. I'm just going to get the kitchen cleaned and polished up for him. The rest is up to him.

I'm not sure how soon this fast will start. Gotta be soon though. Maybe tomorrow? I have some social engagements next week that I can't miss and have to be somewhat pulled together for.

That 5 day fast is just stuck in my mind.... like a major crush feels. I lost about 5 lbs last time. And the scale temporarily dipped down about 10 lbs. I knew it wouldn't stay that way, but even seeing those numbers for a moment felt so amazing. I want to get that feeling back. Plus, I NEED to be 150 by mid or late July and I'm running out of time. If I fit in 2 or 3 more 5 day water fasts, I'll get close.

Anyway... back to the kitchen... need to get out them scrubbing bubbles! :)

So Hot for Shorts Right Now hehehe

PrettyWreck bought shorts...

...

...I love shorts.

All I can think about is how I'd like to fuck up some shorts...

... put my long legs in them.

...

Lonely island would...

...jizz in their pants.

...

34 inches from hip to ankle, babes...

...I'll rock them hard at my GW.

...

Add some summery heeled sandals to the mix...

...life would be good.

...

I have never let my height stop me from wearing tall shoes. :) I like being 6'1"...


I'm ok-ish in shorts now... long ones. But in about -20 lbs...

...omg I think I just...

lmao

can you tell I'm a little nuts from water fasting?
At least I'm a happy drunk.
;)

Water Fasting?

Water fasting is funny. I finally get the joke. Fasting isn't fasting pro-ana. Fasting is a way of life. Every day is a fast. You drink water. Sometimes tea. Sometimes you have a liquid day. Sometimes you slip up and eat something, or have to.

I'm finally getting real and looking at every day as a fast. Liquid meals only from now on unless absolutely necessary. Eating during the day will be to a minimum, and any kind of eating is only allowed to happen at night (day fasting). I'm not setting a number of days. This is it. This is the lifestyle. Any food eaten in the evenings should be raw. Any binging will be on raw foods if possible since they are the only foods that prevent future binging for a while.

Yesterday I drank a gallon of water through the day. I wasn't very thirsty besides it, and it wasn't too much for me. Felt perfect. I'll aim for that daily. Breakfast and lunch will be soup, tea, or broth. I'm not going to do protein shakes during the day anymore. Not low enough cal. If that ends up my meal at night fine.

This blog is full of planning. That's so like me. Well this is my new plan. We'll see how long it lasts before I have a new one or fuck it up. Failure is inevitable... but not before I shed some pounds... so even if the diet fails in the long run, I succeed. <3

Love ya skinnies! Keep at it! <3333

More Message in a Bottle Microposts

Sorry I haven't had time for many lengthy posts lately. I don't even think I've been posting every days calories. I've missed days... :P I'm not falling off the wagon. But am still a bit sick. Still haven't gotten back on my workouts. :P blah.

I'm water fasting today just to feel better about things. I want to include more 1 to 3 day water fasts into my weeks. I don't want to do any lengthy ones for a while since I think that's why I ended up sick in the first place. Too much toxicity to process from the detox. So I'll do it gradually in 1 to 3 day bursts until I think I can handle more.

Water fasting does feel good this morning. It feels familiar. In a weird way, the emptiness and mild hunger make me feel safe. I don't know why. Maybe because it's the only solace I had during my recent emotional lows. These feelings are a good reminder of who I am and where I am... like my ringless fingers remind me of the state of my marriage when things start to feel normal. Nothing is normal. I'm grateful for all the things that keep my mind focused on the unhealthy state of my life right now. Denial is a slippery slope, and I want no part of it.

Much <3's and huggles to all my sisters in Ana. :)

BDay Prep: Day 5 Water Fast Complete

Well I survived another day. The hunger is gone. I really could care less about eating. I mean, I joke about people not talking about food around me, and I COULD eat, but I really don't feel very hungry. I'm glad. It's a nice feeling.

On the other hand, my headaches have doubled. And without going into too much personal detail, the fast is starting to affect my kids. My husband is traveling and I can't be a very good mommy in bed, strung out, in the dark, shushing their every sound. My oldest is only 7 and has really helped, but come on. So, I'm calling it tonight.

Fast over.

I really hate to quit. I was half way to that 10 day mark and oh was it a fight. I'll try again sometime soon when I have more support here at home.

So here's the wrap up:

B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis, :( 38 cal
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength, 4 cal, W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth, 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [x] - water, supplement (L-Carnitine & Amino Acid), 0 cal, W 167.8

.../sigh

The next step is...

Day fasting on broth and low carb juices (veggie) and eating a bit of food at night. It will let me off the fast slowly, give me my strength back, and hopefully keep most of the 8lbs off...and maybe even keep me dropping. There must be a sweet spot in there somewhere.

Thanks everybody who urged me on! Let's do it again sometime! ;) Yarr...

Skinny Soup and the Pirate Queen

I made myself a skinny soup... water fast style.

Its a liter of water, 1 or 2 tbsp liquid amino acids (0 cal), and 4 L-Carnitine tablets (0 cal). It is sitting next to me waiting for the tablets to break up and melt into the water. Looks weird. I've chewed the carnitine tablets before... they're kinda sour... taste a bit like vitamin C. I wonder how this will taste when it melts. If it tastes ok, I'll post an official recipe later. Maybe on Pro-Ana Optimal. Too bad I don't have my Agar yet... I could thicken my Skinny Soup with it.

And now, the look of the modern pirate queen:


Thank you, Nina Ricci.