It's Been Quiet

The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.

Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.

Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.

I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.

Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.

I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.

Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!

Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!

Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.

So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.

My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox

The Journal's New Clothes

I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.

It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.

I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...

Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.

I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)

Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3

Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox

Lifted Fog & Smiling Seas

I'm feeling better now. Funny how everything changes when the hormonal nonsense goes away. I feel completely stable. I'm not worried about the purge anymore and think it's a bit silly I ever was. I haven't binged in 5 days that I can remember. I've decided to start taking notes on how long I can go without binging. Since it's just a small update, I'll put it up on my tumblr/twitter. Somehow looking at that number as a high score makes me feel more driven not to slip and binge.

I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.

I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.

Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.

I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....

Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.

Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.

The Body Spectrum: Too Fat to Too Thin

The spectrum of weight... where do I want to be? Here's the scale from 10 to 0 in photo form:

10.
9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

0.

Right now I'm between 7 and 6... at least I am when you look at my tummy. I'm taller, but I gain in the middle, so if I have ANY fat, I have no curves... unlike girl 5 who despite being a bit heavy has a nice shape. I don't look like girl 5 until around 140 lbs. and I've never looked like girl 4. At 128, I was that skinny, but had no muscle and a bit of pudge in the tummy area.

I think I'd like to be anywhere from girl 5 to girl 3, but I'd NEVER want to be skinnier than girl 3. I think 4 would be ideal.

Here Today, Then Gone to Vegas

The moment is at hand.




With about $1000 dollars into my polish-up-this-bitch fund, I have all the makeup, clothes and accessories. But am I ready?

I guess I have to be. I didn't lose as much as I wanted to by now, but I have lost enough to shock people who haven't seen me in a while. Visiting with lots of friends and family I only see once or twice a year, so I should get a good response.

I also tried on my outfits to show my husband yesterday and on a couple of them I saw that look in his eye that I missed so much. It was that unmistakable look of lust. He also said he liked the dresses and that I looked so much better and would be perfect if I could just get 20 more lbs off. I say 30, but that's not the point. In fact, words aren't the point at all. The eyes don't lie. And his eyes said that I'm on the right track. The look flashed across his face twice. I remember when it used to be there 24/7. So I'm no where near my goal, but it is a really good feeling to know I'm headed the right direction and that it's working.

AND and and! He didn't even initially like the dresses. That means that they looked good on me specifically.

Also! (can you tell I'm excited? hehehehehe) I've been wearing makeup which I almost NEVER do, but I needed to practice for the trip. And when we were in a grocery store Saturday night stocking up on drinks for a party (which I later had a great time at and drank way too much) my sister Mei told me that my skin looked amazing and what did I do to look so pretty! :) XD Yay!! This is the gorgeous sister who is also incredible with makeup and is super skinny btw. She said she couldn't even tell that it was makeup! haha!

So I'm thrilled. I look like shit to me, but will appear MUCH thinner to others, have lost enough to have some of a waist line, and due to weight loss and makeup practice will have a pretty face. My hair is light and streaky blond. And it really doesn't hurt to be 6 feet tall in low heels.

I'm glad I get to hit Vegas with confidence... which is the sexiest quality of all.

I'd thank God if I was religious! Instead I'll thank you guys! Thank you! I love all of you. Without you, none of this would be possible. I'd still be as lost as I've been for years. We've done so much together, and will continue to. Every blog I read, every comment I read on my blog or someone else's, every tweet and post, every single name I follow or who follows me... We do all this together. hehe I could cry. God I'm such a sappy loser... hehehehe But really. No one else could possibly understand... not any of this. But we do. So I'll try not to feel lame for gushing my love and appreciation at you guys. I'm not that kind of person but all this is so different and can be such a mercilessly cold place when you're alone. I have a feeling you know what I mean.

Comments!

Kazehana - You are so right. You've already got her out classed and when you put it that way. That extra info sheds more light on your post too. hehehe You two looking like sisters is probably the sweetest justice. :) You definitely don't seem to have much to prove to her anymore.

Ariadne - In response to your comment on What a Wonderful World... That is a really good way of looking at it. :) Glad you liked the post.

Rio - I'm glad you got to check out those youtube vids. I am completely addicted to before and after pics and vids. They are the greatest thinspo to me.

Joy!!! What a nice change of pace...

I'm sick... I'm on the rag... I have a few reasons for not feeling great, yet what is this happiness erasing all my woes?

I went shopping. Which I also usually hate.

Hate the crowds.
Hate too much advertising.
Hate looking fat in those mirrors under awful lighting.

Well I got a very pleasant surprise yesterday. I went to buy some clothes for this event I have this month, and found that I'm...

A SIZE 10!!

Ok ok ok... I know this might not be the greatest thing to all you damn skinnies out there. But listen. I don't remember the last time I was a size 10. Seriously. Had to be more than 10 years ago. AND at 5'10" a size 10 ain't bad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a fat bitch, and look like a partially deflated fat-balloon. I'm 20-30 lbs away from being anywhere decent. So we're not popping any bottles of Dom just yet.

But the clothes I got made me look SKINNIER! And hehehehehe ... size 10.

Did sizes get larger when I wasn't looking though? I mean, in January I was almost a 16, then by April made it back down to 14 (which I've mostly been the last 10 years), then to a 12 a couple months ago. But 10??? I'm way fat to be a size 10! But I got size 10 jeans at Gap, and two size 10 dresses at Bloomingdales. I did get one size 14 dress, but that was so it could fit my giant boobs (which have not shrunk yet AT ALL...size 36D. though the size 36 band is also a new development).

I treated myself to a special celebration of eating almost nothing! Had half a chinese chicken salad, giving most of the chicken to my kids, and later had a small serving of veggie nachos without cheese. Oh wait... I did have some wine. Probably a 700 cal day then I guess. I think I'll starve today though. I'm so happy!

Shrink shrink shrink!

Still struggling with the Zig days.

-----------------------------------------
Zig
Definition: A higher cal Zigzag day.

Zag
Definition: A lower cal Zigzag day.

Usage: "Holy shit, I gained 5 lbs at my Grandma's over the weekend! She made me Zig when I needed to Zag."
or "Guess I Zigged when I should have Zagged, I'm so water fasting tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------

Zigging and doing it in a healthy (raw or whole foods) way is still really hard for me. It's a two fold problem.
1. It's just hard to eat.
2. If you eat healthy foods, you have to eat a bit more to get the nutritious calories.
It's so much easier to bump up the cals for the day by eating a slice of pizza, but that is the wrong stuff. Just try getting that many cals eating salad. blech. So I'm getting more fish, and avocados for the zig days.

Maybe zig days will be my sushi/sashimi days. I have no problem getting enough cals from sushi. The rice isn't ideal, but sushi is something I will never deny. :)

anyway...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

YOU ARE WHY I MADE SIZE 10 <3333

And with all of you I know I'll make size 8 and then 6 too!

xox

Monday Posty Mosty!

Hi!

Hello you! I missed you. If you're reading this and have a blog, you should know that I read your blog too as often as I can. And I love you. Every single one of you. Our struggle can be such a lonely one, but as long as we have each other, we're never alone. Someone somewhere understands you. Doesn't that feel good? I know it helps me.

Love,

Annabella aka AnaBanana


And on to the bloggin'!

I lost some more weight. Yay! My fasting too much caused my weight to jump up. I was carrying water. Freaked me out. Then I'd bounce down for a day and then back up. Yuck. Really freaked me out. I was almost puking from sheer stress.

BUT!!

I grudgingly took sushicatny and my own advice and increased my calories to around 800-1200. I am going to crunch some numbers and get it exact, but there REALLY is something to this zigzag stuff. You just have to zigzag in and out of restriction. Dip low enough to barely be starvation cals, and back up to low but healthier range cals.

We are also finally going raw again. The whole family. The kids might get rice or potatoes sometimes, but mostly we'll all be raw. I gotta hit my books for inspo again.

I have:




I've been raw most of the last 4 days and in that time, my weight dropped down from the 4 lbs I inflated then lost then gained again, plus I dropped 2 more lbs. Thank goodness!

Been drinking lots of pure coconut water, and eating veggies or raw fish.

I have to admit, it's definitely been challenging to eat. And binging is still dangerous. I haven't been doing this long enough to cure my binges. But if I get all the bad food out of the house, I'll have nothing dangerous to binge on. How much damage can you really do binging on celery or fennel bulbs? Not much.

So far today I've had one and a half apples (for breakfast).

Gotta go figure out what veggie will be for lunch now.

I'll keep reporting back on my progress! <333 xox

SUSHICATNY! Must see!! READ THIS!

Have I been living under a rock? Why have I never heard of SushiCatNY???? She does a weight loss video blog.

Began at 210 lbs...


Then she went on a 30 day water fast, this is day 15...


This is day 30...


Then several months later she discovered (like I have recently) that fasting is counter productive and can make you fatter. >PPPPP (fucking hell) Causes edema, the body taking on water, bloating, etc. Yuck.


Then she moves on to zigzag dieting (between 1200 cals and 2000).


I guess it worked, because 5 months later...


And 3 months later...


The finale...

She basically zigzagged without going quite into starvation mode and danced in her room a lot. Nice. The talking is boring but the results and her awesome drive speaks for itself.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sushicatny

Amazing. I love it. <3 xox

Bye Bye Lbs! I won't miss you!

Yup, the ZigZagging is just what my body was waiting for! I'm down two pounds in just the last 3 days! (Water fasting tonight until 10 pm.)

I had a dress to wear to a wedding over the weekend and it was too big for me!! XD XD I had to wear something else!

I can't wait to see what I shrink out of next!

The only thing that bothers me is knowing that I could have done this at any time if I'd wanted to badly enough. I guess I hadn't had enough of my Ed(nos) yet and I hadn't had enough of being fat. I thought I was happy, but watching these pounds disappear off me makes me happier than any of those other happinesses did.

I want to see my body at its true potential! Nearly 6' and 125 lbs of smart, sexy, hotness. God its going to be great. I might even get to a reasonable weight before I move back the little island in the South Pacific that I grew up on. I'll be able to wear a bikini again in my tropical paradise! How nice will that be? Instead of hiding under some tankini and wrap. Ugh. I ended up in a pic in my swim suit last year... it was horrifying. It is actually up on Facebook. People see it. Makes me want to puke. I can't wait to make those pictures into liars. :) Soon!

It's like OhMyGosh said, by around Christmas I'm going to be a completely different person! XD
<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

Good Times, Small Meals, and My New BFFs

Yesterday turned out to be a very good day. :) I got my workout in AND I kept my cals down.

Breakfast was my shake, and a 5 hour energy - 214 cals

Lunch was 8 baby carrots, 5 cherry tomatoes, 2 fresh dates - 87 cals

Dinner was 3.5 oz of celery, 2.5 oz of hummus, 3 oz smoked salmon, 1.5 cups of Osuimono japanese soup, and a kale-chinese cabbage salad with lemon juice and salsa for dressing. - 330 cals

Totals me out at 631 for the day. If only every day could be so great. I'm especially proud that more than half of what I ate was RAW FOOD! That's sooooo the holy grail of diets. If you eat raw, you can really eat well, and still be highly calorie restrictive. Pro-Ana Optimal babies! Thanks to that, I know I won't have to fight cravings today. I never have them when I eat raw. Even when I was PREGNANT, if I was eating raw there were no binges or cravings! XD Yay!

<-- And what do you think of my two new BFFs? :)

Aren't they sexy? That's why all of my dinner foods are calculated to the exact ounce. It's kinda fun weighing food. And the little guy adjusts for whatever container you might be weighing your food in too. VERY nice little gadget.

The big guy is the strong, sensitive type. Catches every ounce, I can watch my weight change after a glass of water! Oh... and I'm 168.8 as of this morning! I'm absolutely thrilled!

Good times! I'm beginning to think I might actually get to my goal weight by my goal date! Gonna keep pushing hard, and I just may make it! <3<3<3

Feeling Patriotic in the Pro-Ana Nation

I would like to share what I have quickly come to love about this community in the short time I've been here.

The community is so wonderful because of the clear ringing bells of the voices that belong to it. You are all wonderful. And thanks to you, this is such a good place to be. It is relatively non-judging. We are all here due to a lack of acceptance in our lives somehow. We are here looking for improvement somehow and are looking for our self respect. These qualities shine through a vast expanse of personality, situations, and dysfunction. Yes, we are VERY dysfunctional, each of us in our own special way. We are all scarred and battle worn some way or another. These ways differ so much, but the basics are so similar. And of course the obvious uniting force... we need to starve. For one reason or ED or another, we need to starve, we need to lose weight.

I appreciate and adore that we have found a place where we can be this, and be unapologetic about it. That we can care and worry and even help one another without judging or trying to force anything unwanted on anyone. No one is selling anything here. You won't see this in an infomercial. "But it really does work." Yes, it does, but it isn't something anyone outside of it wants to hear.

Life is a beautiful, imperfect thing. It is brutal and unfair. Sometimes we are on the benefiting end of that, and other times we are crushed by it. It is a surge like the tides. I find a poetry here in pro-ana where life can be what it is. And we can be what we are. We can find a way to float, or we can sink here forever, and no matter which happens we can do it honestly.

I know there is some drama, and there will always be some wannabe's, but for the most part I find honesty here. The sincerity makes me swoon. I'm so grateful that such a place exists. Where right and wrong are suspended for what is simply true. <3

So thank you, so much everyone. I'm sure you'll find in my comments on the blogs I read, there are often thank-you's. :) Expect it to continue. I treasure this experience with all of you. And if I never meet any of you... no matter if you succeed and thrive, or seek help and leave this place, or end up literally destroying yourself... just know I loved you. From somewhere in this world, you meant a lot to me. Even if in person we'd hate each other, I care about you, and will always appreciate the role your words played in my life. Not much could mean more to me right now. In fact, really, not much does.

My undying love and appreciation to you all.

Ending My Tuesday

Crawled out of my hole more today. It felt pretty good. Nice to know that there is a bright, warm world on the outside even if I feel cloudy and cold on the inside.

My house is slowly coming along. It is beginning to look more like a vision of something I'd like to be living in. This is a very good thing. Like with my body, I have quite a ways to go but any progress is encouraging and gives me the energy to go on.

Went over my cal limit today... it was on purpose though. Wanted to take in some extra protein and a bit more cals to bolster my energy for beginning my hard workouts starting tomorrow or thursday.

Breakfast was a star fruit - 38 cals
Lunch was an Atkins shake (170), and some veggie stir fry (400 omg) - 570 cals omfs
Dinner was salmon sashimi (220), and another Atkins shake (170) - 390 cals

That totals out to 998.... whew! Just under 1k. Thank godlessness. I knew I'd be over my 650 limit, but really didn't want to go over a thousand. Too expen$ive for my taste.

Winding down for another early night. So sleepy... must... chill.... ;)

It's Official!

I'm 170. It's official. I wanted to make sure after the fast that I was done gaining back the liquids before declaring it, but here it is. I'm a stable 170. Ultimately I lost 4 lbs in 5 days. That's not bad at all. I'll take it. :)

My main fitness workouts, Chalean Extreme is on it's way.



And I grabbed Brazil Butt Lift too. My butt actually doesn't need a "lift" oddly, I don't store fat there, so I have a small ass. However! This also means I am a bit lacking in the ass department, so I need to build it up and if Alessandra Ambrosio says this does the trick, I'm all over it. ;)


So that's the plan. I'm dying to get started tomorrow. I don't have a day to lose.

What does scare me about starting these is that I might gain muscle weight. I'm not worried about looking to muscled because I'm long and my muscles look thin and long too when I have them. I'm just really dependent on what the scale tells me and if that number goes up, it will really upset me. I don't care why it went up. It needs to go down. Only down. But I'm trusting the claimed results of these programs that if you stick to them, 20 lbs. in 60 days should be doable. Especially with my own diet. I will NOT be doing their diet. It's like 1200 cals more than what I'm eating now. They can shove it.

What I do have is very low cal protein shakes. I found some good stuff that is low carb, low cal, and low fat. I think they're like 220 cal per serving. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's a bit much... but maybe once a day it's ok. I'll probably make up a serving and drink half of it 30 min before the workout and the other half 30 min after. But for a 600 max cal day, 200 cals is a lot.

Well 'nuff of that. Gonna go read your bloggies and get to work.

<3

BDay Prep: Day 5 Water Fast Complete

Well I survived another day. The hunger is gone. I really could care less about eating. I mean, I joke about people not talking about food around me, and I COULD eat, but I really don't feel very hungry. I'm glad. It's a nice feeling.

On the other hand, my headaches have doubled. And without going into too much personal detail, the fast is starting to affect my kids. My husband is traveling and I can't be a very good mommy in bed, strung out, in the dark, shushing their every sound. My oldest is only 7 and has really helped, but come on. So, I'm calling it tonight.

Fast over.

I really hate to quit. I was half way to that 10 day mark and oh was it a fight. I'll try again sometime soon when I have more support here at home.

So here's the wrap up:

B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis, :( 38 cal
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength, 4 cal, W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth, 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [x] - water, supplement (L-Carnitine & Amino Acid), 0 cal, W 167.8

.../sigh

The next step is...

Day fasting on broth and low carb juices (veggie) and eating a bit of food at night. It will let me off the fast slowly, give me my strength back, and hopefully keep most of the 8lbs off...and maybe even keep me dropping. There must be a sweet spot in there somewhere.

Thanks everybody who urged me on! Let's do it again sometime! ;) Yarr...

BDay Prep: Fasting Day 4 Complete

Nausea nausea nausea...

I found a great fasting info site. Helped me know what was going on, why, and how to cope.

Took me till noon to get out of bed. The fasting site said nausea could be cleared away by drinking a cup of carrot juice. I didn't want all the calories, so I had about 1/3 of a cup. That's about 23 calories. Then I felt a bit better. I needed to drive somewhere today and in my current state, that was out of the question, so I tried a cup of chicken broth like they do at the skinny spas. It helped, but was still a bit dizzy for the road, so I had to cancel.

It was a long shitty day. But now between iTunes episodes of Lost, I slowly trudged to the bathroom trying to remember not to get up too fast so I don't black out. I weighed myself...

I'm about 3 lbs lighter than yesterday!?!? Holy crap!! My scale sucks, sometimes it won't tell you what you weigh unless you weigh considerably more or less than what you did before. Not very sensitive. That said, it also usually weighs heavy. I'm sooooooo gonna get a new scale now.

I think I'm getting better at the fast too. Water all day, no more caffeine, a couple sips of veggie juice or broth if I feel overly ill. I might add the carnitine back in tomorrow, but I wanted to get off everything extra after how awful yesterday left me. Yeee! I can't wait till tomorrow!

I'm not going to count these on my official weightloss progress until I'm stable and off the fast. I know some weight will come back. But I'm only almost half way to day 10! Imagine how much more I'll be losing!

I'd do a little victory dance and jump all over the house if I didn't feel so shitty. ;) I'll have to save the partying for when this is all over. FOR MY B-DAY! What a great prezzy. <3<3<3

I'm going to sleep happy tonight! :)

B-Day Countdown Fasting Goal & Dream Chart
Day 1 - [x] - water only, 0 cal, SW 175.2
Day 2 - [x] - water, 1 cup broth, 2 raviolis :( (38 cal)
Day 3 - [x] - water, a 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength (4 cal), W 171.2
Day 4 - [x] - water, less than a c. of juice and broth 23 cal, W 168.6 OMFG!!! XD
Day 5 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 6 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 7 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 8 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 9 - [ ] - water only W ____
Day 10 - [ ] - water only G1 *Primary Goal* with 5 lbs projected non-water weightloss
Day 11 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 12 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 13 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 14 - [ ] - tbd G2 W ____
Day 15 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 16 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 17 - [ ] - tbd W ____
Day 18 - [ ] - tbd G3 W ____
Day 19 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 20 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 21 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 22 - [ ] - water & clear broth W ____
Day 23 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 24 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 25 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree W ____
Day 26 - [ ] - water, clear broth, & raw puree G4 W ____
Day 27 - Projected EW 159 - Happy Birthday & My Very Own 32nd New Year! XD

Keeping the Dream Alive (the meat of dead blogs)

There are so many people dropping in and out of Pro-Ana online. Some sites disappear completely. Without getting into too much about myself, I'm a writer. Under normal conditions, I'd never dream of plagiarizing, but I feel that good info found needs to be protected.

The torch must be passed.

End of the Day Report

Sailed the sea of a completely liquid day. According to my calculations for my modified Master of Disaster Cleanse today my calories were at 670. I'm tracking my progress closely on Tap&Track, but I'm not going to put any exercise in it. It adjusts the daily calorie goals and that messes with my brain. Gonna keep it simple.

My sister tried to offer me another cup'o'calories today, but luckily I could tell her no, but thanks so much. Today is a fasting day.

You guys who are single, live alone, or even just don't have kids... sigh. I love my family and my life, but it makes killing off my fat so hard. I'm fasting today. I'm strong. Keeping motivated. But I have to go to Costco and buy tons of food. I have to put it all away. I have to feed them. Tonight I made pizza and goddamn it I didn't touch a bite of it. If I lived alone it would be so easy. I'd have nothing in my fridge but bok choy, spinach, and carrots... maybe some seaweed salad, avocado, and sashimi. Superfoods. Nothing but superfoods, and just enough of it. Not in a house with steaks and rice and pizza and sandwiches. Ugh. I'll just have to work harder at loathing it all.

Fuck fat fodder foods!

"What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?"

Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet
food to feed it as Fiddledy-Fat-Fuckidy-Fodder-Food?
Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if it come in her presence.

Yes, or if it tried on her pants.

On that note, I turn in my blogging hat for the evening. Red, Scarlet, and I were liquid fasting together today. I think it turned out well! I'm not sure if I'll be able to tomorrow. It may be a higher performance day. I have a TON to do. In any case, I've set my Tap&Track profile to lose 2 lbs per week, plus an additional 500 calorie reduction for good measure. That leaves me a max of 680 calories per day. So even if I don't flush, I'll be on track. :)

Hugs to all! Stay with it girls! Eyes on the prize!

Good night! Sweet skinny dreams... Zzzzzzzz....

Today's Info and Goals

First, again, I need to thank the Pro-Ana community. All the girls who post before and after pics, all the girls who posted their goals and how far they've come. You mean the world to me. I need to know I can do it.

And to my husband (though he'll never read it), thank you for calling me fat. For years you told me it was ok because I was ok with you. Thank you for giving me the motivation I needed to come here. Thank you for calling me to fight. I'm not wearing my wedding ring and it is constantly reminding me of what I don't have and why I don't have it. I love you.

And now? TO THE SCALES YE SCURVY FLEA BAGS! ;)

174.6 That's good. I thought I'd be more around 178. I was 180 last month. Ok, this means I've been losing weight lately ANYWAY. Good. Not fast enough, but good.

Today is a Master Cleanse day! Just for today and tomorrow. After that, Jae comes back and he never likes it when I fast. Bunny food for me from Thursday on.

Marriage Made

I talked to my husband tonight. He loves me. Or maybe he's open to the idea of loving me because he needs my love. His issues lately have been very hard for him. Think of it as a mid-life crisis if you want. That is a gross over-simplification, but it's close enough for our purposes.

Anyway, I think now it will be more important than ever to get this weight off me.

God I've been super chatty today. Don't expect that to last. I've had a lot bottled up. Plus this is my first anonymous blog EVAR! So I actually feel like I can let it all out. It 'splodeth forth with a vengeance.

Today went well calorie-wise. I definitely fell under 500. I didn't starve, but I didn't stuff my face. Middle grounds are awesome! Tomorrow will be another day.

My husband is away on a trip right now, but when he gets back, I definitely won't be able to write as much. Things will get busier. I'll try not to lose myself in the shuffle. We decided to work on things. Be more nurturing and patient. His suggestion, so that's good. I told him I was going to work aggressively on my weight. He wanted to make sure I lose in a healthy way. I said I'd try, but that it will probably border more on the extreme because I just need to get this fat off me. I will be able to be fitter without this fat on me. So I don't care how I get rid of it as long as it goes. And I told him I'd do my best not to hurt myself.

I hope that's true. I kind of want to hurt myself though. Just because I never get any peace, R&R, or extra consideration unless I'm incapacitated... which almost never happens. Maybe I'll level out and be happy enough to change my mind. I'm not anorexia nervosa. Maybe I just have always been fat. I think I'll be fine. I think I can use Ana as a means to an end. I know the warnings against that. I can just dip in like I did before without sinking into the deep blue. I have a strong mind.

Izabel Goulart has had at least one child that I know of. She is still incredible and strutting it on the VS runway. J'adore.



Maybe I'll dream something beautiful tonight. Good night.

P.S. My tummy just gurgled. It made me happy. Thanks everyone for the thinspo!

Meet Ana Banana

I'm in my early 30's and married, with 3 kids. I drop tons between pregnancies, then yo-yo back when knocked up. Its always a fight.

I'm 5'10" and used to be 128 lbs. I got there from 150 after my mom died and I got into a new relationship I wanted to do well in. Pretzels, water, and crackers. Maybe a hot dog here and there. Plus running and walking every day. I was a bit tired at 128 and still looked a bit fat to me, but I was beautiful. I didn't think so then, but I see it now. If I could get back there, I'd love myself more this time and have way more fun. Hindsight is 20/20.

My bf, now husband loved me then. I think a quality of his love left his eyes as I gained. I gained because I wanted to have a baby more than I wanted to be thin. Every time my tummy puffed out a bit, I stupidly hoped I was pregnant. Then I'd eat for two. When I'd get my period, I'd fight the weight back down. Once I really had kids it was even harder. I wouldn't hurt my kids and picked up "really healthy" eating habits. Raw food, organic, and health food. Though I haven't eaten a cereal in 8 years, I did pick up processed carbs again during pregnancy and at 178 lbs, now I'm REALLY fat.

I've been with my husband for close to 14 years. He is having a hard time. Among other things he feels he deserves a thin, beautiful wife. He said some harsh things... I'm not his wife, that I somehow made his skin crawl. He's broken my heart in a lot of ways, but this is an all time low. What's worse is, this time he's not saying it to hurt me. Its just true.

So I can't do this anymore. I can't be fat anymore. Not for myself, him, or anyone else. I'm so busy with my kids. I'm a great mom and I love it, so I need to be careful not to hurt them. They keep me so busy its hard to think about myself at all, but I can't do this. I have to be thin again. I actually let people convince me I was healthy. That I should love myself. I'm sorry to say it, but that has gotten me nowhere. Periods of intermittent self-loathing and lack of love.

Don't get me started on other relationships in my life. I had a supermodel body and those who didn't know me (at work, school, etc) wanted to hate me. With those people, I had to be ugly to be loved. Well... fuck those people.

Fuck you everyone who was intimidated by me. Fuck you everyone who judged me without getting to know me. Fuck you everyone who was jealous and wanted to take me down a few notches because I was the sexy, slender, 6 foot (in heels) blond. I was humble, I was kind. If I make it back, this time I'll appreciate it... This time I'll flaunt it... This time I won't give it away.

This is my voyage. And so begins the Pirate Journal of Ana Banana. (Anita if you like.)