Comments - Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

I wasn't going to make this a full post, but it was too long to put in the comments. Boo. :P
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.

Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.


First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.

I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.

If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.

Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.

I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.

Took a Tumbl(r)

As requested, here's the linky to my tumblr... http://elleanab.tumblr.com

Big posts will still go here, but lil ones, twitter stuff, and even links from the Pirate Journal will funnel in over there.

My Pirate Journal will always be here to keep track of all the Ed/Ana tales, plans, and toils. :) Like I said before. This is where it all began and I'm the loyal sort.

Reading You Today

I love reading the blogs of my sisters in Ana. Lately I haven't had much time to do it. I don't know about you, but sticking together and thinking of you guys helps me keep the binges away. I also self-loathe less. :) Because I love you guys and we have so many similarities, I think the love spills back over to loving me more too.

A quick state of my life comment: I've been visiting family, they feed me too much, I binged, makes me hate life, I can't wait to get out of here... though I do love the family. I want to get a good fast going. I also have a bunch of new products up my sleeve I've learned about here. One of my relatives is a wealth of skinny info. :)

Ok, I'm off to read.

Comments:

Kazehana - Thanks! That was sweet. There really is no problem with the comments. That was kinda the point. When I'm in my hormone freak-out mode every silly, non-existent problem can be the end of the world. I'm glad I can at least tell, and then self-correct.

Tara Foods Low-Cal-nalysis

Kazehana wanted to know how I got a 600-700 cal day from looking at Tara's food.

"wait, what? how did you get 700 cal day from that video? pasta is 200-300 cals per serving, and olive oil has 120 cals per tablespoon, not to mention the parmesan cheese. lol she had tea with real honey, which has like 65 cals per spoonful. which means her lunch alone had 500 cals minimum. if her breakfasts/dinners contain any amount of animal protein (dairy/eggs count...Idk if she's a meat eater), I'd say her daily intake is at least 1100."

Points

1. Proportions Proportions

She does not have a full serving in that bowl. That is a cup or less of dry pasta. But for argument's sake, we'll say it's a full 2 oz serving, which is 200 cals for the Farfalle she is having. A loose handful of spinach like that is about 3 cals. The spinach was tossed with the oil and vinegar already, if you put a tablespoon of oil in there it the spinach would be swimming in it... not to mention the vinegar. The oil in there was 1 tsp. or less. 40 cals for the oil. You'll notice also that the shredded parmesan is sitting next to less than half of a meyer lemon in a little dish. That is also not even a full tablespoon of cheese. Again, for the sake of argument, let's say it is a tablespoon of the cheese, which is 21 calories. To be thorough, lets add a splash of lemon juice and a dash of balsamic vinegar. 1 and 2 calories.

Worst case scenario, that lunch of hers calculates out to 270 calories... though I'd say it's quite a bit less.

Oh and the honey... Yup, raw healthy honeys like hers are about 60 cals and the milk for the tea is another 22 cals.

2. Her Other Meals
Some nights her lunches or dinners admittedly include half a small healthy pizza on occasion with friends (probably the highest calorie thing) at 330 cals for the meal, and about a cup of thick veggie soup at 110 cals and maybe a bit of pasta in it bringing it up to 200 cals.

Preliminary Conclusion

Her highest cal meals land at around 350 cals, so if she ate that EVERY meal, yeah, she'd end up around 1000 cals. And on the low end, if 3 meals a day were on the lowest cal side, she could end up low as about 400 cals for some days.

If Tara ate the soup (no pasta), and the pasta lunch (including worst case scenario numbers), and the pizza for dinner, and drank the tea with milk and honey it tallys up to a 793 calorie day.

Plus, if you looked at her book, you'd see... this girl is empty. She has low body fat and when she bends over, NOTHING smooshes or bulges. Her skin is perfectly lean and smooth, and her abdomen has nothing in it. The only way a person can be that thin with her body's build is to eat very little. Trust me, I have her body build and was about that thin once.

Another video I just found suggests an apple for lunch. Come on girls, an apple for lunch? Sounds like something we'd do on a very low cal day doesn't it? 72 cals for lunch sounds like something I'd do! :)

Anyway, the bottom line is I really don't know what Tara Stiles is eating or what her suggested diet is. She seems to be avoiding the diet question as much as possible. Hmmm... suspicious for a fitness instructor. And anything I've found I had to really dig around for. I hope one of these days she'll put out dietary advice, but I'm not sure if she can. If she is as low cal as I think she is, she'd be torn to pieces in the mainstream. Probably why she hasn't done it yet despite having two books and a video out. I put together as much as I could figure. If I find more I'll post it. :)

I wish I could be fly on the wall for all the celeb eating habits. Wouldn't that be great?

Comments

Didn't get to responding to the comments. Where is my head at? If it was really as detached as it feels sometimes I'd weigh a lot less... ;)

Emry - Thanks! Yeah, maintaining isn't the worst thing to happen. hehe

Kazehana chan - Thanks! :) Yeah, goji berries are definitely one of the new "it" things. Not the tastiest noms but not bad either. Definitely seems to curb appetite though. I think they taste better than acai. If you try them lemme know what you think. I just get dried ones on amazon.com. I'm such a lazy shopper.
And thanks tons for the health tips. The recipe was way better than gatorade. I don't know what the deal was, but it's over and I'm all better.

Heather - Thanks you! <3 Catching up on your sextacular evening and other posts. You've been busy while I wasn't looking!

Rio - Both my crazy faces are glad to be back. At least they have something in common.

Less Loss..... but why??

I think it's because of sleep! You burn 40% more calories if you get enough rest. I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL this week. I haven't lost a pound in about a week and a half and am kinda bobbing up and down 4 lbs. Grr....

Need to plan in more sleep! I also collected a whole bunch of good tips for burning extra calories. See 30 Ways To Burn More Cals! at Pro-Ana Optimal.

Today was an eating day. Sometimes I find that when my weightloss stalls, eating for a day will get it to drop below the stubborn pound. Today is about a 1000 cal cay. I just can't bring myself to go up to 1200... so I hope this is enough.

24 Hour Water Fast Complete!

Hey, it ain't much, but it's 24 hours. :) Yay! Did end up eating this evening. A bit rich, but I'm still under 650 cals for the day, so I suppose it's ok. I hadn't planned on eating but, shit happens. But as long as the shit is under 650 I won't be losing sleep about it.

I'm so excited that I dropped lbs this week. Last week felt like such a battle. I think I'm going to go watch Love and Other Disasters. :) I adore that movie. It's so Audrey. I miss Brittany Murphy.

24 Hour Fast!!!

I'm so glad the weekend is over!! /sigh I survived. I'm doing a 24 hour water fast (began 10:00 pm tonight) to help wash the weekend off of me. :) Anyone care to join? Nothing kicks off a Monday like a water fast! hehe

Oh, and due to PMS, my weightloss had stalled last week or so, but my zigzag calorie days seem to have jump-started it back up! Yay! Dropped a stubborn lb and a half the other day. Finally!

Lots of Ana Banana lovin to all! <3333

Friday Night!

Today was a good day! Water fasted all day. The evening took a turn for the social and I went to hang with my girls. So I did bump some calories. I didn't feel too bad about it after not having eaten all day.

I'd finish me out at around 600 cals for the evening... there was ice cream involved. Where you have girls you can always find ice cream.

Gonna do the same tomorrow though. Liquids or water as long and often as I can. Live the dream!

Now I'm hitting the shower and moving on to the evening's other enjoyments. :) Probably True Blood and sex. Mmmm... what am I waiting for? XD

See you all soon! I love you all! Don't let slow progress keep you down! Just keep at it and your control won't fail you! xoxo

Good night!

More Message in a Bottle Microposts

Sorry I haven't had time for many lengthy posts lately. I don't even think I've been posting every days calories. I've missed days... :P I'm not falling off the wagon. But am still a bit sick. Still haven't gotten back on my workouts. :P blah.

I'm water fasting today just to feel better about things. I want to include more 1 to 3 day water fasts into my weeks. I don't want to do any lengthy ones for a while since I think that's why I ended up sick in the first place. Too much toxicity to process from the detox. So I'll do it gradually in 1 to 3 day bursts until I think I can handle more.

Water fasting does feel good this morning. It feels familiar. In a weird way, the emptiness and mild hunger make me feel safe. I don't know why. Maybe because it's the only solace I had during my recent emotional lows. These feelings are a good reminder of who I am and where I am... like my ringless fingers remind me of the state of my marriage when things start to feel normal. Nothing is normal. I'm grateful for all the things that keep my mind focused on the unhealthy state of my life right now. Denial is a slippery slope, and I want no part of it.

Much <3's and huggles to all my sisters in Ana. :)

:P

I is sick. Blaaaaaaaaah. Sleepy... minor cold... really shitty cough.

Awesome sex last night though. I think I have to take back what I said about only getting that special something from myself, because I felt pretty damn special last night. ;)

Cal counts for yesterday was around a grand. Not bad. I've been sick though and thought I probably should eat a bit to get my strength up. Missed 2 days of workouts now... :(

7 Things You Might Never Have Known About Me

Sweet Sexy Scarlet has nominated me for the prestigious Beautiful Blogger award. (Thank you Scarlet! ) This chain of inter-blog loving comes at the small price of revealing 7 deep, dark secrets... or just 7 things you may not know about me.

This is a bit of a challenge... If you knew me in person, you'd find I'm a hell of an extrovert. :) I'm a frightened girl who gets her thrills in life by taking her many fears head on... becoming frightening rather than being frightened. As a result I don't have many deep dark secrets, but I guess I can share some of the things that you guys don't know about me.

1: When I was a kid, I was a compulsive liar. I wanted friends so badly, I'd say pretty much anything to get them. Fear, fear, fear. Now I'm the opposite. Honest to a fault, especially if it scares me.

2: I was an expert thief by the time I was 8 and to this day was never caught. While most girls were playing barbies, I'd set up a jacket on a chair and practice pick-pocketing. I wanted to be a spy when I grew up. (Side note: I never used my abilities to steal from any individual though, and stopped stealing because I'm a good person and didn't want anyone to get in trouble because I snuck past them.)

3: I care a lot about people and have a rather fragile inner self... this is a big secret because I really don't seem that way outwardly.

4: I have hacked into an internet service provider or two and pulled their client info just to stalk strangers for fun. :) I don't bother with this often, but I'd make an amazingly resourceful stalker if I wanted to... oh and I know how to create multiple identities with legal paperwork and citizenship in other countries.

5: My mom died of cancer when I was 18 after a slow 5 year battle. I took care of her much of the last year. This is still a deep source of pride and pain... It shattered my already somewhat dysfunctional family. It caused me to be a more open person I am now because if I didn't evolve I'd have died along with her. This also led to me being temporarily passively suicidal. I'm glad I survived it. Never got therapy for any of it though... refused.

6: I've only ever kissed or been intimate with one man. I picked him, fell in love with him, and eventually he came to me and the rest is a 14 year history. I love that I've only been with him, and never regretted our loyalty and monogamy for a single moment in that 14 years. Looooong relationships have a whole different set of problems and rewards.

7: One thing I haven't said on my blog... mainly out of fear of judgment... is that I'm pro-ana, but I'm doing it while breastfeeding. So in my normal life (other than with my sisters and husband), the pro-ana thing is a secret. And in my pro-ana life, being a nursing mother has been the secret. My baby isn't a young one though, and is very close to weaning... over a year old... so even though this kind of thing is strongly advised against, any harm it could do is minimal or non-existent... still... I do burn an additional 400 cals or so nursing, so all this is a bit extra hard on me than on people who are not lactating.

I'm not sure who to nominate next that hasn't been already, or who are busy enough not to have time for it.... but I'll go for:

Red
HeatherB
Crickett
Riki Ana
Violet
and
Kate Lunacy

Eureka!

Maybe I'll keep my new scale in the kitchen!

If I want to eat, I have to weigh first! If I don't like what I see, no food for me!

-Ana Banana