Really Am Lost At Sea

Still in Hawaii.

I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.

I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.

I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.

On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.

Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.

And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.

Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do

Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.

Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!

No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?

See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.

I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.

I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...

Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health

and

Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down

Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox

It's Been Quiet

The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.

Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.

Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.

I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.

Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.

I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.

Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!

Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!

Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.

So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.

My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox

Thinspo vs Inspo

We aren't thin enough, so we're unhappy with ourselves. We self loathe to varying degrees individually and for widely varying reasons which includes our weight either as the cause or symptom of our other misery. We often try to harm ourselves through both eating and starving.

This is a problem.

If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?

I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)

I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?

lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.

I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).

But..

but...

BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.

Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.

I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...

xox

Fat Burn Zones, Fat Bitches, and Fat Shots of Vodka

This is really a post for Pro-Ana Optimal... Oh well. I'll post it over there. A clean one. This post I'll fuck up with tales of how much I drank last night. Let's put it this way, I had a really good time, and slept really well last night. There was a bit of drunken tweeting under the wrong account, but wtf. It could happen to anyone. lol I <3 vodka and it loves me. I swear I feel better this morning AFTER drinking than I did yesterday before.

I saw a lady in the park yesterday. She was throwing an obnoxious squeek ball for a cute little dog. The lady must have been at least a hundred pounds overweight. My first thought was, "Lady, you should be the one chasing that ball." Seriously. That lady needs to find her fat burning zone.

Speaking of fat burning zones, you can burn up to 30% more fat using the right heart rate. This chart shows MY customized fat burning zone and other heart rate info.

I mean, if you're going to work your ass off, this is the best way to get that ass off. Go here to get your heart rate zones calculated, if you don't know already.

"Call it sickness call it madness call it obsession i don't care i still call it perfection" - Thinspoella

<3<3<3

P.S. Titania or anyone else interested, if you want to put the Pro-Ana Optimal banner on your own site, that is completely good with me. :) Enjoy!

Something New - Pills

Got me some System-Six today. I've never tried it before and haven't really been taking anything other than gummy vitamins and L-Carnitine... lately in the liquid form rather than tablets because I like it better.

I can tell you that I lose MUCH more when I skip a meal and take Carnitine instead. I can tell the fat I lose is a bit hard on my body, but goddamn it does work.

Back when I went from 155 to 128, I did take some weightloss supplements too. I have no idea what they were or if they're even legal anymore...hehehe... but I do know that they helped a lot. I'm hoping to notice a difference using this stuff.

Irwin Naturals official System-Six pitch:
Metabolism Boosters & Carb Metabolizer^*

System Six® is a complete formula that provides six support systems to assist with weight loss:

1. Exercise and Endurance - Garcinia cambogia delivers a powerful extract called Hydroxycitric Acid (HCA). HCA may act as a metabolism booster and in one preliminary study significantly increased exercise endurance.*
2. Energy - The botanicals yerba maté, guarana and cola extract work to support energy levels and provide natural caffeine.*
3. Mood - Standardized St. John’s Wort extract is included in this formula to support brain chemicals that influence mood.*
4. Metabolism - A combination of B vitamins helps convert food into energy to fuel metabolism. These nutrients are necessary for the breakdown of fats and proteins.*
5. Carbohydrate Support - Chromium helps support carbohydrate metabolism and assists in the breakdown of carbohydrates into glucose which provides energy for the body.* Along with a healthy diet and exercise program, chromium can help support healthy blood sugar.*
6. Antioxidants - Green Tea and other nutrients in System Six help protect cell health and provide nutritional support for the body.* System Six, when combined with a low-calorie diet and exercise program, provides weight loss support to help you meet your goals.*‡

/end sales pitch

In other news... Scarlet, I like how in your blog posts you answer comments from previous posts. It makes it really easy to see your replies. Much better than just replying to the comment in the comment thread... so I think I'm going to start doing that too.

Scarlet - I had no idea her husband died too. I know he was all involved in her death... wow weird. Let me know if you like the movie.

Gracile - I definitely recommend it. I'd love to hear what you guys think of it. It's definitely on my favorite movies list.

Death by FAT - AN ANA MUST READ

There are about 310,232,863 people in the United States.

Of the adult population, about 1,861,397 (0.6%) have been or are anorexic, and about 3,102,328 have been or are bulimic (1.0%).

Of the 4,963,725 combined people living with Ana and/or Mia, about 1000 die each year.

That means 0.02% of Ana/Mia girls and guys die every year. (That is 0.0003% of the U.S. population.)

"What does all this mean??"

Here is some perspective for you...

An average of about 1000 people die of bulimia or anorexia nervosa yearly. BUT almost 20,000 die of murders. About 25,000 die of the common flu. And over 40,000 die in car wrecks. If people think your ED is dangerous, they really should stay off the roads.

Now lets get to the FAT of the matter.

Anorexic AND Bulimics of the U.S. total 1.6% of the population. Guess how many suffer from BINGE EATING DISORDERS... 2.8%! More than Ana and Mia combined. A whole 66% of the adult American population is overweight or clinically obese. Now that is a real, large percentage.

Did you know obesity is the leading cause of preventable death in the U.S., second only to tobacco use? Yes, worse than smoking!! Why is this not all over billboards and magazines?

We usually look at obesity as an issue of looks, but it's not. It is a serious health risk. Fat people are at a very high risk of deadly conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and heart problems. It happens all the time!

Some people like Star Jones do things like getting Gastric Bypass surgery, which cuts out part of your stomach to shrink it, and bypasses part of your small intestine so it can't soak up as much calories. People who have that surgery can only eat tiny amounts or they throw up or get sick (sound familiar Mia girls?). They can't drink when they eat. Only before or after so it doesn't stretch their stomachs. They rely on highly nutritious food and vitamins to avoid malnourishment (sound familiar Ana girls?) They can't have sweets on their low cal intake because it makes them want to binge, and causes shaking, sweating, dizziness, rapid heart rate, and sometimes diarrhea. Hmm... Interesting. And how is this not considered an eating disorder? It sounds a lot like what we do every day, only they have it done to them by a surgeon. And why? Because of their Binge Eating Disorder.

Back to the poor souls who really did need treatment. The 1000 girls and boys (girls mostly) who die of Ana and Mia each year. It really is sad, and really can happen. Most of us will never be that far gone though. Most of us won't let that happen. Remember, the most popular actors and actresses, and all supermodels and runway models are among our numbers too. They are high profile and high performance. I follow the obituaries. Ana related deaths are few and far between. They may even contribute to complications, but most of those deaths are very obviously drug related (prescription and illegal).

So is there death? Yes, it does happen, and it's horrible that it does. BUT it doesn't begin to compare to the death caused by being fat. So why does everyone get all over the skinny person's case and not the fat person? Why is it ok to harass the thin ones. They are FAR less likely to become gravely ill or die than the fat person.

I have one theory. Fat people spend money. LOTS. They buy more food than a skinny person. Then they get sick and go to the doctor more than skinny people. They need meds more than a skinny person. They end up in hospitals more than skinny people. $$$ Money money money... Sometimes they need special care. Sometimes they get gastric bypass surgery... $$$. Skinnies are minimalists. We might buy more clothes... um... and more bottles of water? Not a real cure for economic slump or creators of huge corporate profits are we?

I hope this was good food for thought... I know it got me thinking.


More Fun Facts:

...more than 1000 people die of drunk driving accidents between Thanksgiving and Christmas alone in the U.S.
...1000 people die in the United States each year from electric shock.
...1000 people die in the UK each year from lung cancer caused by gas leaks.

Thriving Pro-Ana, Not Just Surviving

An Explanation

I know I'm new to the wired Ana scene, but I'm not new to skinny, and I'm not new to diets. I'm a walking encyclopedia of diet, health, calorie, nutrition, and food information.

I know that we don't care as much about our health as we do about getting and staying thin. I'm right there with you. If I have to hurt myself now in order to reach happiness later, I'll do it. But after reading so many of your blogs, I realize I have something in my arsenal that most of you don't. A clean diet. I was losing weight on it by accident (sort of) already, just not fast enough for my liking.

What you MUST know to THRIVE not just survive Ana:

WHAT YOU EAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HOW MUCH YOU EAT.

Yes, it is about calories, calories, calories... but what comes in with them? Chemicals? Saturated Fats? (/puke) Or do they come with vitamins? Youth enhancing enzymes? Beautifying anti-oxidants?

Do you want to get skinny just to be ugly another way? Make-up ain't gonna hide how strung out and shitty you look. And yes, if you don't figure this out, you will always be ugly... skinny or not.

So I'm going to start posting about Ana Optimal. Maximizing your health while minimizing your size.

You all give me so much thinspo. This is the least I can do in return.

<3