Being Constructive in the Face of Failure

Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.

Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.

I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.

I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.

Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.

What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh

More From Me On PMDD - tumblr 10/7/10

Other PMDD Posts....

I'm PMS Hide Your Knives!
(Hide ya kids, hide ya knives, and hide ya husbands cuz they PMSin' everybody up hea.<3)

PMDDiddly

On my PMDD days I don't like leaving my room. I tend to hole up. I feel bad for my kids on those days because they're left to themselves and not taken out to do things, or paid as much attention to. The problem is, when I do force myself out those days I'm so ill-tempered that I upset them anyway. I have a hard time handling them those days and they end up punished more... though they're no worse behaved those days than any. I just don't perceive situations and actions of others clearly and feel like everyone is deliberately against me, then I retaliate... right or wrong... true or not.

I've come to realize through introspection that the only thing I truly feel during these times it the urge to be left alone. I don't mind if people are around, but I want to be ignored and quiet. I crave solitude. If I get it, everything is fine. If I don't, everything goes to hell.

This month's PMDDizzle isn't as bad as normal. I'm curious why. I've been reading up. Extra sleep, plenty of exercise, and a nutritious diet (free of refined foods, and too much sugar or salt) can help balance the hormones. I'd love to think that's it, but I've only been on my "healthy" diet and yoga routine for a week. I can't imagine it would work that quickly. Who knows.

I've decided to stop weighing myself for a while. One thing that's always bothered me about regular exercise is how I always gain weight before I lose it. Now that I'm on that path, I just don't want to know. My calories are low because my diet is mostly raw and very clean. Any weight gain would be muscle. I need to just trust the process and stick to it. Feeling good can be it's own reward or now.

That and my upcoming 6 weeks in Hawaii. XD I'm pretty excited. Home is where the heart is, and Maui was my home for more of my life than any other place. It's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. Every year I've lived in California I've felt like I was away on business, and each time I go back to Maui I get to go home for a while before leaving again on my extended trip to "the mainland." If I ever get to move back, the amount of peace I'll feel will be impossible to express. In the mean time, this long visit out there is the best I can do. I leave in about 2 weeks.

Time to go eat breakfast. A challenge being on this plan is to eat regularly. I'm not very good at it anymore.

Love you loves!<3

My Husband Is So Insensitive! Cruel even!

He wants a perfect wife. A trophy. 5 months ago he told me I am not his wife. I guess because I'm not the "me" that he wants. He complained that he has a fat wife. That shocked me into Ana. I would starve for him. He deserved the best right? I love him, I should at least give him that much. And if he doesn't appreciate me then, he doesn't deserve me. But maybe at this weight I deserve the truth. I'm fat.

I lost 20 lbs pretty much right away. Then I plateaued and slacked off. He was happier, so I was happier. But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near my best yet. So lately I've recommitted. I've been cutting cals aggressively, and now I'm fasting.

I've only eaten one meal and one snack in the last 5 days. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm a bit grumpy. Yes, my kitchen got messy. He doesn't know how dizzy I've been today. He has no idea. And I've slipped a bit at home, but I'm functional. I've taken the kids all over all week. I've cleaned the house, reorganized our room, kept things clean. I haven't complained.

Tonight he asked about dinner and I asked him to make it since I'm fasting today, am totally starving, and have been dizzy all day (on my feet in 100 degrees out with my daughter and some friends most of the day).

He says thanks alot. He goes in the kitchen and then calls me. It's messy. This is ridiculous.

I come to help him out. Straighten out some dishes, clear the counters.

He gets upset there's stuff cluttering the bar.

I tell him I am not doing that now. There is too much stuff, yes it's mine, but I will take care of that later.

He puts me on the spot about it because I'm fasting. I shouldn't be if I can't keep up.

I tell remind him he wanted me to lose weight. I'm working hard on it, but it's hard.

He says you're doing it wrong. You should do it my way.

I say that my way I could lose 20 lbs in a month. (Not that I should, just that I could.)

He presses. Oh yeah? Give me a date. Tell me when you'll be done. 20 lbs in a month? Let's write that down!

I say no! I have no intention of losing that much that fast. I said I'd cap my months at 15 lbs just so I don't get sick or something.

He presses me again. How much?? How soon??? What can you do? I'm sick of your bullshit. Tell me now and I'll write it down.

I said I don't know, I was planning to do what I'm doing. Find out what my limits are so I can fast then only eat as much as necessary and fast again but remain functional. I tell him I'd planned on losing 10 to 15 lbs a month.

So he writes on MY whiteboard that I jot my goals on by the refrigerator. He writes October 26 - 153 lbs and circles it huge and dark, messing up my notes around it.

I swear I almost had a panic attack. I can't help crying thinking about it now. That's such a cruel thing to do! Tell me I'm wrong! It's bad enough I am pushing myself so hard, but having him push a weight loss date on me too?? I can't take it!!

I freaked out. We got in a huge fight. Then he basically told me to go to my room. We fought about it some more. I told him I understand he's annoyed I've fallen behind and he wants to know how long he has to put up with it. He yells at me some more about all of it.

I tell him fine! I can starve completely! Take that shit off my board, I'll just stop eating for a month. I don't need to eat anything! You want me to fucking hunger strike all the way immediately?? I don't have to pace it for health reasons, lets fucking go for broke so you can be happy sooner!

He said fine and asked me if I would leave now. Back to my room. I didn't go. So he started putting his shoes on to leave. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Not tonight.

I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to explain to him what he was saying was doing to me. He had no clue how mean and awful what he said was for me and he didn't care. I cried on the bed and said I'd stay in the room. Then I realized all this started when I wouldn't make dinner and do the dishes. So I got up and told him he could get out of the kitchen. I'd handle it. Dizzy and all.

I made dinner.

I cleaned the kitchen.

I didn't eat a bite and I hadn't used a dish I washed.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm so tired. I can't tell now if I'm crying because of that or because it really was as bad as it all feels.

I felt like telling him about my purge a couple weeks ago. I felt like telling him to hurt him. Fuck I felt like throwing up too. Nothing in my stomach to throw up anyway though. I'm so stressed out. I feel like shit. What does he want from me? There are a lot of other things I do in my life I don't talk about here for anonymity's sake. Let's just say that in addition to being a stay-home mom with a toddler, I work full time from home, and take care of the house, kids, and everything, and am trying to lose all this weight... so much more. I don't even feel like typing it because I hate complaining. I love my life. It just hard. And this is hard. It's hardest knowing I never live up to his standards. Lately I'm doing things my way and it works so much better. It's hard, but it works!

I don't know what else to say. I feel lost right now. I hate him for picking that fight with me. And I hate myself for not just getting up immediately and making dinner and cleaning. BUT I know it was not ridiculous for me to ask him to do it. It's the weekend. If he was at work all day, I wouldn't have done that, but he's been laying around watching movies all day and eating while I've been on my FEET ALL DAY AND STARVING FOR HIM!!

/sigh

:(

Fuck you Drama Llama... go fuck around in someone else's life. I like my life drama-free.


Comments......

Anagirlella - Yup I love mine too. Just hard sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion too! <3

Kazehana - Thanks for the advice! I definitely try to stick to veggie juice. I've noticed the sugar rush from fruit juice makes me binge later. You know... I know you're right about the starving. If I develop a bit of willpower I may be able to find that healthy middle ground. I just don't have it right now and I need to get skinny fast as humanly possible. I'll always do my best though.

Sam - I missed u too! <3<3 I may try the egg thing. That's a good idea. Eating just makes me want to eat though. Still, I may give that a shot... like 1 whole egg and 1 egg white or something.

Thx all u guys! <3

Flashback

I was just looking back at the first month of this blog. Wow I posted a lot. It was a dark and shady time but at least my path was clear... and my hormonal issues were milder. I'm not sure I can do all this anymore.

I obsess because it is the only way I know how to focus and be effective. But when I obsess I neglect other important parts of my life. Obsessing about starving myself isn't healthy. I know that, and you know that. We're not here to be healthy though. We're here to be skinny. Even the best of us prioritize skinny first, and healthy second... if at all.

/sigh

I told my sister Mei about the purge. I really didn't want to, but I refuse to start keeping secrets. Secrets, shame, and bottling things up in dark places are where the real problems begin. I don't need any more problems. In the event I might stop being honest with myself, I need some people I can trust to be honest with, because I know they'll be honest with me. The purge on Sunday was unfortunate, it was an experiment, it worked but it was awful, and I do not want it to become a gateway to something terrible. I know it could be. The sanest part of my brain says that experimentation is fine. It is good to know how to do things in case you need to, even vomitting. It is good to know where the bleeding edge of things is. Know your limits. But that doesn't mean you should live there.

This seems to be an evolution of my outlook in general. I wanted to transform my eating disorder or trade it for a new one. I didn't want to compound it. I've found myself on a slippery fucking slope. I don't have a problem with this yet, but I could see it heading that way. I need to figure out where I am and stay ahead of all this so I can be beautiful. Illness does not make you pretty, it makes you sick. I don't want to be sick and skinny, I want to be lean, elegant and glowing. Sexy as hell bitches!

I need to pull up. I don't want to crash.

I need to do an overhaul here. I felt so safe here in pro-ana land and now I feel lost in it too. I am still grateful to all of you... all the readers... all the bloggers. I love you all and feel closer to you than ever. I'm just not sure about the labels. I don't know if I'm pro-anything... I'm just me.

I think I'm going to update this blog, minus the Ana, and then go play some Sims 3 or watch anime until my husband comes home. :/

I just feel so lost at sea...

Reality Has Set In... FML.

I was looking at pictures of myself taken at different points over the last 15 years, and I realized something... I have such a long hard road in front of me.

I mean, in the old pictures, in the young ones I was skinny. But anything over the last 15 years, I either looked fat, or was fat... and am fat. I probably can't look good at anything over 130 lbs. at 5'10". God this is so difficult. I feel like crying... really. I ate today. It was a Zig day. I managed to get around 1500 calories. That is the most I've had in a long time. I'm so glad today is over. I think tomorrow and Friday I'm going to fast. I can't even bare the idea of the usual low 500 cal day. I want nothing. I deserve nothing. I've earned nothing.

My body is in a state of suffocating excess. I have another 20 lbs to lose before I deserve any consideration at all. I'm still floating around 164. Working out has fucked me like I knew it would. I am gaining as I'm losing. Yes, toning. Yes, it's good for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. I don't care. I don't care that my legs have more definition and my abs are firmer. I don't give a fuck because the scale still says 164 and it is confirmed by my naked body drowning in fat.

I shrunk sizes. I thought I'd be happier about it, but that is WHY I feel like crying. I'm just a smaller size of fat. Why did I do this to myself? How did I not notice I was packing on blubber like a manatee. I do not need the physique of an elephant seal! Where the hell was I when all this was going on?

So yeah. Things are great. I'm a smaller fat me. And I have been some shade of gross for the last 15 years. I have to undo 15 years of hateful damage. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. But no. I have to be consistent and fight....

haha Want to know something really funny? I couldn't quit if I wanted to. I feel broken and heartbroken right now... full of giving up... and I can't. I hate calories and my fat ass self so badly that I can't say fuck it all and hit the cherry ice cream I have in my freezer right now. I can't. Because all that I am wants to starve. Every bit of me.

I think I finally understand that feeling... that need for purity.
A clean empty body.
A body that isn't trying to ruin my life.
A body without food in it.

In the name of losing weight faster, I'll fight that feeling and make myself eat 3 days a week. But the other 4 days... those belong to me and Ana.

Together we are going to feast on our rage, and feast on our emptiness, and I will make room for this helplessness and sadness I'm feeling right now to literally eat away at that 15 years of fat and food abuse.

I need to make myself right.

God I hope I can, because after what I just saw, I feel like it will never happen. I just feel doom.

Sorry to be so gloomy... but if I can't tell you guys, who can I tell?

Gonna go to sleep now. 8 or more hours of sleep helps the body burn 30% more calories than a tired body.

<3 you. xox

Am over my blog's identity crisis...

I changed the look of my blog for a while. I liked it but it freaked me out. I like my journal dark and seedy. They are my inner thoughts and feelings... so the gears and fog are very appropriate. Plus, I think I'm coming out... and starting another blog. Not just my proAna life, but the rest of my life. To do that, though, I think I may need to unveil myself... fuck. I love my anonymity. Hmmm... Oh well. It will definitely be less anonymous..................shit.

Well we all have to grow up and own up sooner or later. So here goes...

Missing In Action & Mid Summer

Where am I guys? I'm so sorry I haven't been here posting. And I can't. Soooooooooooo much work to do.

I love you all and miss you. I think of you all the time.

I hardly ate all weekend, and when I felt hungry or a bit light headed I'd think of you and smile and have a glass of water. :) Then I got back to work.

And last night I had the first and worst binge in a month. I was so close to running into the bathroom to give it my best try at purging... but my husband was right in the room with me and I don't think his support and patience with my proAna life extends to Mia. So I suffered. And as I suffered I thought of you guys... and missed you.

The binge was on vegetable soup with dumplings... so it could have been worse and it did pass quickly, but I still felt like dying at the time.

I have so much to do still. I've been setting up my new apartment. Building new furniture and organizing my stuff. A major goal is to create a really good, inspiring, and functional workspace for myself and family. It's taken all weekend and some help from Kit and Mei. What a zoo.

My breakfast of choice lately is a shot of liquid Carnitine and a glass of water.

Lunch is gummy vitamins, and some more water.

Dinner has been a half or quarter serving of whatever I make for the family. This seems to work out pretty well for me.

Ooh it's Midsummer! I love nature holidays... :) They bring out the pagan in me who just wants to dance around bonfires all night. Not that I'm pagan. I'm not pagan, not christian, not atheist... I'm just me. But I love holidays. I pick up holidays from any religion if I think it sounds like fun. Nature holidays are easy though because the celebrations make sense. Midsummer... its the middle of the summer. Rad lets have a party. Better than Easter. I never got Easter. Jesus died, and some guys 1,500 years ago claim someone really did see him floating away to heaven on a cloud, so we get together, hide colorful eggs, and each chocolate. wtf? Yeah. Its just not for me. So I celebrate the Spring Equinox. It's spring time! So we do spring things! Like decorate baskets to look like warm grassy meadows, with nests and new born baby animals in it, and may flowers all around it. Makes more sense to me.

But back to Midsummer! Where's my bonfire...... Is this the one where everyone is supposed to have sex for 24 hours straight? Or was that May 1st? Better to be safe than sorry... muhuhahaha! ;)

TMI BMI FML WTF TTFN

I'm officially aiming for a BMI of 19, the lowest healthy rating for my height. That would put me at 130 lbs. Sounds very reasonable. I have goals lower, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've been researching a zigzag pattern of dieting. This allows extreme restriction some days, combined with "normal" calorie days so that your body is reminded that it is not starving. I'm not sure if I can do this though. I just found that my "reset" days would need to be no less than 1782 calories. Holy shit that's a lot. I think if I tried to eat that much now I'd explode.

I know I'm here to lose weight. That's all I care about. If it was proven that painting half of my face pink and hanging upside down to sleep 3 nights a week worked, that's what the fuck I'd be doing. The last thing I want to do though is eat. I don't even think I can. Even if it was just once or twice a week. I mean, 1782 is a lot of fucking cals. And it's supposed to be nutrient packed.

I'm thinking my "zag" or "reset" days will be on Wednesday and either Friday or Saturday. I can't commit to that many calories. We'll have to see what happens. The other 5 days will be one of 3 things:

1. A water fast or liquid day
2. One of my "Perfect Cal Days"
or
3. WTF anything under 650 cals max

It's funny, I've proven I can do 650 or less days on a VERY regular basis. I have no idea if I can increase much above 1000 now even if I try. I won't do it on shit food either. I love myself too much for that. Maybe juice. Fresh, raw juice... good for you and has a fuck ton of calories but without much to stick around in the body. Hmm... who knows. One thing you can count on, I'll post about it when it happens!

I love planning. It makes things so entertaining when I get to post about what actually happened and how fucked the plan got. C'est la vie. Što ke mu praviš. Sayonara. It is what it is.

God I'm tired. I'm getting all multi-lingual. I need to sleep. I'm never going to be able to wake up tomorrow... another busy-ass day.

Gnight skinnies! :)

Meeting Mia and My Evil Ed

Mia is the dominatrix of the calorie deprivation world. Sometimes I wish I knew her better. She's like the sea witch from the little mermaid. She'll hook you up with your guy... all she wants in return is your voice. I understand Mia shows you the golden door. She gives you one last way out... out of your fuck up, out of the binge, out of the calories. I'm sure everyone swears like I would now that I'd only do it once in a great while and not let it get out of control. But anyone obsessed as me would impishly come back to Mia a lot more often... begging for forgiveness, begging for the drug only she can give you.

:(

Ana requires so much accountability. Ana requires a very deep love. Ana is unforgiving. And I do love her. I will keep trying. And even if I did manage to befriend Mia, or make her a distant acquaintance, I would of course never leave Ana's side. I'm a loyal sort.

I really need the protection from Ed though. Ed Nos is the asshole. He thinks he owns me and I swear he wants me dead.

Ana has helped make me stronger. Ed isn't hurting me as much or often these days. I don't eat until I hurt every time. To me, that's what "full" means. It means bloated pain... every time. I have no other definition of full. No other sense or feeling that bails me out before I hurt myself. Not since before I can remember. Probably not since I was 7 when I began eating until I couldn't because my tummy was so distended, wait a half hour and then go do it again... I was the stick thin waif with stomach swollen at meal time until about 16 when my metabolism slowed, and the rest of my body began to bloat with that tummy. That was the pattern. Two huge dinners back to back. Ed is so mean. I won't do it anymore. I hate him.

I love Ana so much. I haven't done any of that since I've been with her. Even if I do binge it's nothing like even a single "dinner" was with Ed. I regret callously calling Ana a mercinary for my cause of losing weight. That isn't true. It is becoming clear she is my way of life. She has to be. Unlike most, I don't think this is a bad thing. She won't kill me. Ed might. Mia is dangerous too. Mia promises so much... its so seductive... but I understand she could be as evil as Ed in another way. She's like the Mafia. She'll offer you protection for a price and soon she owns you.

I don't want to be owned. I just want to be thin... still... I think I've made eye contact with Mia a few times. It's not too late to just walk on by, but...... I just don't know......

The Pirate Lack-Post

I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much. I mean to, and I want to, but there is so much going on. I guess I'm spinning around in the whitewash.

The husband came home all apologies and full of compliments and kindness. I guess he had time to think about our recent problems. We're in a really weird place I don't understand. I don't think he does either, but we're doing our best. It just goes to show you though... relationships will always have their ups and downs and ups and downs like swells on the sea. Some days there will be high highs, others there will be low lows and you'll think you may drown, and then for a time there is smooth sailing on warm gentle waters where you may forget what a dangerous place love can be. Its all part of it.

Love is a bit like Ana. If you quit on it too soon, you may cheat yourself out of something wonderful. But if things get bad and hurtful and you let it go too far, it might kill you. There is a very fine line there somewhere. It is the razor's edge. A place where only the truly brave or truly stupid dare to tread. I think I'm probably a little of both... brave and stupid.

I have a hard time reconciling love and ana. I find my self in the arms of one or the other, but never both. I have to rewire my brain for a threesome. That love is my pro-ana and if I don't stay vigilant my love will suffer. I need to not relapse into my comfort zone with Ed(nos), and try to stay closer to Ana. This is a problem I've had my whole life.

-Ana----Misery---------0---------Happiness----MyEDnos+

That's my scale. I need it to switch around a bit.

-Misery----Ana---------0---------Ana----Happiness----Health+

170 lbs this morning. Aunt Flo is about gone. My new scale is soon to arrive. Much more reliable than my current one. I hope to weigh myself on it first thing tomorrow morning. I never weigh myself during the day unless I'm fasting. I can't stand to see the numbers climb as I eat during the day.

Maybe I should start. Might help remind me to eat less....

Love to you all...

Making it an Early Night Tonight

I'm posting early tonight, then I'm going to watch some show of some kind and go to sleep. I want to get an early start tomorrow morning. I need to get my house in order and can't just skulk around my room forever... as much as I've enjoyed it most of the last 2 weeks.

My end of the day calorie count was about 400 calories.

That's good. I had a cup of japanese clear broth with green onions (osumono) for breakfast, and then a japanese seaweed (wakame) soup for lunch... each at about 30 cals. Then dinner was chinese food. Spicy shrimp and garlic vegetables. That made up the rest of the cal count.

This is the kind of day I can live with. The veggies were crunchy, with lots of vitamins and enzymes still intact. The shrimp where yummy, satisfying, and full of low-fat protein. Thanks to my shrunk stomach from the fast, I feel really full too.

I've been ending every dinner with pickled ginger and it seems to keep me from wanting to snack later. Of course so does the fact that I feel like a bloated pig... even if I didn't overeat. ;) Oh well. Whatever works!

My life is in a crumbled heap around me. I'm glad I've been at this for a while. I've felt completely destroyed before in my life. Despite my whole world being upside down and absolute shit, and me losing my mind nearly completely, I know that it doesn't last. And I'm not the only person who can rebound. So even though the world is whipping in utter chaos, I know it isn't the end of it. I will simply reinvent myself, and if I have to, I'll reinvent the whole fucking world with me. I'll just keep sculpting it and prodding at it until something works, or something make sense.

But for now, my world will have to wait because this is my time. Mine. In the next two months, "I'm bringing sexy back." Everything works better when I'm hot. I'll start my new life there.

I love you! Yes, you, all you here and trying. I know you hear it a lot, but really, stay strong! One day at a time we are changing... there are butterflies brewing here in these cocoons, I can feel it!

Team Extreme

167.8 this morning. Lost another pound overnight.

If my posts begin to take on an incoherent sound, it's because I'm a mess. Today is the beginning of day 5 of my Mostly-Water Fast. It's been about 90% water most days. All days have been 0 to 50 calories. Most days under 50. It is a Water Fast, I just am not very good at it. ;) Still, I'm getting close to having lost 10 lbs. I have about 3 lbs more to lose to get to that mark. I feel like shit, but I'm really excited.

The Hangover

After fitful sleep, I wake up hungover. Wait a minute. Was I drinking? No. If I was, I'd have killed the bottle of Hpnotiq in the kitchen first and it's still there. And there's no vodka in the house... Hmmm... Well something is happening here. I was warm and dizzyish all night. My heart rate is still slightly above normal, but I feel exhausted, weak, and a bit light-headed. Oh and the weirdest thing? I feel dehydrated! How is that possible? I'm on a water fast and I'm dying of thirst!

No energy drink in the water today. Nope. We'll see how much of these feelings are the fast, and how much was the drink mix.

I really wasn't hungry much yesterday. Many fasting symptoms are coming on schedule. My tongue is turning a bit white from the ketosis, my breath reeks (pilau!), my hunger is lessening, and I feel a bit surreal and very sensitive so sound, movement, and light. Not too many extreme detox symptoms though. At least not yet?

Red - A water fast definitely would have not been good for you right now. With finals and all that? I'm really glad you didn't do it. This is the kinda thing to do on a spring or winter break, or maybe in the summer IF you're not working. It really is harsh. I usually think people are whiney little bitches. So when the sites said how hard this is, I figured they were wusses. Now, I'd have to agree with them. It definitely is as bad as they said.

All that said, I'm keeping at it though. Only 1 more week to go! I think I can do it! Zzzzzzz -.-

Ode to my Bathroom Scale

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Dear Bathroom Scale,

We've been together a long time, both bad and good. I know we've both said things we didn't mean... especially me. I'm sorry. What I mean to say is that I really need you to be honest with me right now. I'm in a bit of a fragile state, and if I thought you were lying to me like I'm pretty sure you did yesterday... well, I think I might throw you out a window! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Really. I just need you to be honest. I need to know what is really happening here. If you don't tell me, I'll stay lost and confused. And if you don't tell me, I'll smash you to tiny bits with a fucking hammer! The sharp end! Oops... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Really. I just... well, you know.

So please give it to me straight. It's day 3 of my fast. I haven't fucked up TOO much. What do I weigh?

Love and some very mixed feelings as usual,

Ana Banana

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Dear Ana Banana,

171.2

Love,
Scale

P.S. Please don't smash me.
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I was just interrupted by a screaming yell coming from the kids bedroom. Its 6:30 a.m., mind you. I go to see what the hell is going on and I find my oldest kid's hand clapped over the mouth of my middle kid who is wrapped in a bathrobe, wearing a helmet, and is stuck in their detached bunk bed ladder. /sigh Is this the kind of day it's going to be? Hilarious and completely frustrating? Sounds like my life. ;) I swear it's true.

Anyway.... cx.uha;dlfngvicklxkcxklcxl.l;cvx;lcv;cv' ... there.

171.2!! Yay!!! I know that is mostly "water weight" but yay!!! I don't care. The scale is diving and that is what I wanted. That is what I so desperately needed to hear. After today, I'll only have a week more to go in my water fast that I will try very hard not to fuck in the ear again like yesterday.

Gonna keep on the L-Carnitine since its 0 cal and really good. Might also add a 4 cal caffeinated vitamin drink... If I do, I'll add it to my water bottle and drink diluted all day. Its an experiment and probably a bad idea, but I want to see what happens. It is loaded with vitamins needed for fat burning. Maybe this won't be the most cleansing fast, but I'd rather optimize it for weightloss if I can without getting too sick.

Wish me luck!! XOXOX <3

Whistling in the dark...

Meh.

I needed a quick breakfast, so I had an Atkins Advantage Chocolate Shake. 160 cal. For lunch I had 10 raspberries, and 3 cherry tomatoes... oh, and a bite of bread pretzel. After a very long and completely physical day (think moving half an apartment by yourself furniture and all) I did end up having a normal dinner of veggie nachos. Then I got back to work. It was about a 1000 calorie day thanks to dinner :P ... which by my own theory is acceptable once a week, but which I also said "fuck no" to this morning. I'm not thrilled, but then I did burn a lot too I guess. I'm over it.

I had an awful morning. I think was more edgy in the afternoon because of that than the lack of calories.

In the past when I've lost weight, I didn't have a firm goal in mind like this. I wanted to get lower, but didn't have a timetable. I want to be 150 by July 15th. I decided that a month ago. All this stuff with my husband has refocused me though. Now I'm even more intent on 125 which is the weight my Dad said years ago that I should be, and now out of the blue, that's the number my husband quoted. So 125 is where my head is at.

You know, it never occurred to me before today, but it's possible my dad had issues with ana. I never would have thought so in a million years, but now that I think of it, so many signs were there. 6'2" but weighed between 150 and 160. Often ate once a day, or would go days without eating. Liked fasting a lot. He'd sit out in the sun and tell me that was all the food he needed. Like it was a spiritual thing. But even when he wasn't fasting, he often had only one meal per day. He was SO skinny. And then he got sick. His body failed. He changed his diet from being a vegetarian and started eating meat again. I dunno. Maybe he wasn't, but its interesting that its actually possible. Hmmm...

Well I'm wiped. Going to bed early... oh wait, its already late. fuck. I guess good night anyway. I'll run around and comment the bloggies before I pass out.