Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 1

-- Progress Tracking --

Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.

Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)

Personal Entry
Not much of a personal entry to speak of today. I'm under 100 cals for the day, but the day isn't over yet. Dinner is coming up. I project around 100 calories. If I eat anything tonight with the family, it will just be for show. Maybe some salad with a plain vinaigrette and some more herbal tea.

I'll be posting in this format this month... I hope. :) Need strict efforts and tracking! I AM SUPER OCD GIRL!!! TAADAA!! hehehe

But seriously. I need to lose as much as I can this month. I'm tempted to make a rule that in the house I can only wear clothes one size smaller than me and hardly eat until those damn clothes fit. hehe New, extreme, but maybe it would keep me focused. If I do it, I'll definitely let you know.

Gotta get back to the fam now. If I leave my grandmother for more than 15 minutes she starts calling me... like she thinks I died. She's a sweetie though. A nice, smothering sweetie. But I don't see her that often, so other than her forcing me to eat I'm glad she's here.

Until next time...


Knock knock!

Who's there?

"I-Eat-Mop"

....

lmao... I have issues.
;)

Family and Snack Survival & Tahiti

-- PART 1 --

Since my family has been visiting, I had been eating much more. They keep suggesting I eat AND it's some kind of nervous habit. When they start talking and I get bored/annoyed/desperate I nervously run for the kitchen. Why? I guess it's an acceptable escape... something they respect. Arrgh!

But I have a solution.

I set up a snack station for myself. Since the kitchen is where I run to, I made a big pot of herbal tea and set it on a tray with a couple cups (in case guests would like some too). And I cut slices of celery, and set them out in a dish of water so they don't dry out during the day. That's it! I just leave it there.

When I go running into the kitchen looking for food, instead I start with a cup of tea. The celery is backup for in case I actually get hungry... but most of the time I'm not. Today I haven't actually had any of the celery. The tea has been good enough. I think I may keep this up even after they leave. I think I have a box of fasting tea... natural appetite suppressant and extra nutrition. A station of fasting tea and emergency celery. A day's worth, and that's it. It could be nice and mobile too for when I'm out doing stuff! Yay!


-- PART 2 --

I think I've been tweeting more than blogging, so some of my Ana friends know this already. I have a Tahiti trip coming up in October. I REALLY wanna be thinner for this trip. I must. We're meeting up with some friends there and it's going to be great! I really don't want to be the only girl there hiding under tankinis and cover-ups. So I'm really going to push hard during September. Gonna post a follow up post here for my starting weight and goals for September.

Lots of control!!

Love you lovely lovies!!
xox

Zig and Zag: The Tale of Two Masters

I tried Zigzagging. It worked slowly and healthily, but for me it was confusing and took me out of the weightloss frame of mind.

Zig days were Ed days and Zag days were Ana days.

I think I decayed into eating too much on the Zig days and it took me too close to my binge eating EDnos crap. And since I'm an extremist and can't balance it, I have to do one or the other. And since I don't want to be fat, if I have to choose Ana or Ed, again I go back to Ana. Ed just makes me want to join Mia, and that would be really bad. So I am going back to the drawing board. Back to Ana.

And it feels better this way. I can't serve two masters. One is enough. When I plateau I may go back to a week of zigzag to reset my body, but I don't think I'll be sticking to it. My love is for Ana, so I'm back.

I haven't eaten today. A taste while cooking for my kids. Tiny nibbles. No plate in front of me. I'm sure its about 50 cals of incidental nibbles. 40 calories of plum fruit. And other than that... only tea.

It just feels better. I'm happier not eating. I'm happier restricting like crazy cakes!

Love you skinnies!
xox

On Track! Baby I'm Back!

Yesterday's cals totalled 746! Yes! I'm back and it feels good.

It was great having a little fast to get me rolling. I don't really want to talk about my weight, but for the sake of honesty and science, I weighed 165.2 this morning. So I guess I am up a pound or two since I was last tracking things.

A bunch of readers on here wanted to know the results of keeping up zigzagging. Well, I bet if I was working out it would be the best thing ever. It is definitely good to break the plateau problem. But as far as quick results go... I'm not as happy with it as I was just not eating. I don't know what to do about that. It goes back to the healthy vs unhealthy weight loss conversation. Healthy is better if you are balanced and disciplined. If you are not... if you have emotional issues, or hormonal issues, and freak out often, unhealthy (aka just starving your ass) works better. Ana is better for me... until I plateau.

So I'm going to try something new... again... I'm going back to obsessing and starving. Then if/when I plateau, I'll go back to zigzagging for a month or so, then back to starving (restriction, fasting, and liquid diets).

Stalking Sexy Tara Stiles

Slim. Calm. Sexy.

Yes, please. I'm watching some of her blog posts and I hate and love her already. Her skin is so incredible. Tight, supple, gorgeous. I see bones too people! She's perfect. I hearts much.









I'm fucking buying it. Now. This is all I needed to keep my fast going today. Ahhh so good. :) Thank you Tara, you skinny bitch. <3

Now I'm gonna be watching the mail every day til I get it!

~COMMENTS~

Thanks Emry! <3<3<3! I'll do my best! :)

Fasting Till Sunday and Thinspice

Me and a few other proAna twitterlings are fasting together! Yay! Anyone wanna join? We're going today until Sunday. I've really needed this. I am going to try to continue functioning normally. We'll see how that goes. Yesterday was a very low cal day, so I'm off to a good start. The only obstacle that I can see is that my Grandmother is coming to visit this weekend and staying with me for a week. That makes things hard. She's one of those, "Sit down and eat!" kind of people who always thinks everyone is looking too thin. She gives my sister Mei soooooo much crap for being thin. She's model skinny, but not in a gross way. When she wears black and turns sideways, she literally disappears. Can I be her? Please? Only she's 5'3" and I'm 5'10" so there would be a difference, and she'll always be thinner and smaller than me. We'll never share pants. Oh well. Unless she gets fat. For her sake I hope that won't happen. But she's mostly a vegetarian, so I think she'll be fine.

omg I'm rambling aren't I?

hehehe Lacking calories. And I enjoyed a few drinks last night. I kinda miss this light-headed starvation feeling. Aww... why do I let myself get side tracked? I was really doing so well. My plan was working! Ana was kicking the crap out of Ed(nos) and I was losing lbs like a happy girl!

Truth be told, I haven't counted calories in months. Haven't gained/lost any weight at all. Stagnant. Feh. Meh. Pfff....

It's really stupid. I've I'd stayed focused and with it, I'd be another 15 lbs down by now. Or at least 10. What the hell is my problem anyway?

Well I'm back with it. I'm fasting until Sunday. Done and done.

I wish I had thinspice to sprinkle over myself like magic! Skinnidust! Poof!

Starving is the thinspice of life!

Ooh you know who else is my thinspice right now? Candice Swanepoel. I heart her so much. She is to me what Adriana Lima was to my sister Mei. I want to be her. So hot. You know the face. You know the body. I'm completely obsessed with her... right down to her perfect pouting mouth. Maybe because I looked so similar to her once upon a time. Especially with the blond hair, her face shape, full lips, and height... /sigh

Especially this pic. This could easily have been me at 125 lbs.

Tell me it's not too late. Tell me I can still be that hot in this lifetime. I need to get my priorities straight. And I need to do it now.

Comments

Didn't get to responding to the comments. Where is my head at? If it was really as detached as it feels sometimes I'd weigh a lot less... ;)

Emry - Thanks! Yeah, maintaining isn't the worst thing to happen. hehe

Kazehana chan - Thanks! :) Yeah, goji berries are definitely one of the new "it" things. Not the tastiest noms but not bad either. Definitely seems to curb appetite though. I think they taste better than acai. If you try them lemme know what you think. I just get dried ones on amazon.com. I'm such a lazy shopper.
And thanks tons for the health tips. The recipe was way better than gatorade. I don't know what the deal was, but it's over and I'm all better.

Heather - Thanks you! <3 Catching up on your sextacular evening and other posts. You've been busy while I wasn't looking!

Rio - Both my crazy faces are glad to be back. At least they have something in common.

More Identity Crisis!

I'm like a two faced teddy bear. Both sides fight. Part of me is so happy. And when I'm happy, loving, and feeling loved I get content and don't try as hard to lose weight. I feel good enough. That's healthy right? WRONG! Why? Because others aren't content with me and won't be until I'm thin. And part of me will never be completely happy until I'm thin. So what the fuck. My happiness is self-sabotaging my happiness? That is a backwards-ass problem if I ever heard one. And since when is it bad to be happy. That's how I know this world is fucked and anyone having a hard time with it, or being depressed about it is also healthy. Those people who run around thinking everything is fine and normal scare me. They clearly have no idea what the hell is going on. They are maybe one degree smarter than sandwich meat, and if someone decided to put them between bread and end it all, I wouldn't complain.

Sorry I've been a bit missing-in-action. I've been summering. Have company visiting, done more traveling, and am pretty much enjoying myself while trying to not balloon into a flab-filled parade float.

hehe gross.

I haven't lost a pound in a month. Isn't that sad? I haven't been trying. Not really. I haven't gained anything either. Maybe I did lose one pound. I'm sitting at 163ish. Fuck that's heavy! For me that's still hell of heavy. I need to focus. I need to not let the compliments, and guys hitting on me go to my head and keep my mind on the goal.

EYE ON THE PRIZE BITCHES, EYE ON THE PRIZE!

My prize is 130 lbs. I dropped my first 20 lbs pretty quick. I need to get back after it and drop another 20. At my height, I'll look damn fine at 140... but 130 is heaven. Then a lil surgery plastico to get rid of all the preggy stretched skin, and I'm golden.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! The preggo scare. That also tripped me up. Another reason why I wasn't fasting or extreme restricting. But I'm not pregnant! Yay!! As Scarlet said, not against kids or anything (I have a few already...) but I need to get my body back.

So ok, I'm pumped. Lets do this. I'm not stopping until I'm another 20 lbs down.

Hugs n hearts to my sisters!
xox

FML FTW? WTF?

Yes, Fuck My Life For The Win. FML FTW.

I'm fucked this week. How are you? Fucked too? Excellent. Fascinating that there can be such a broad spectrum of fuckednesses going on in so many lives, no two the same. Like finger prints.

Well, lots of things are going well for me in my life. I am grateful for that much. But it seems that the issues are drawing more attention than the positives. Problems are such fucking drama queens aren't they? They MUST have the spotlight and hate to share.

My drama queen this week comes in the form of a stomach flu... or possibly pregnancy which would be much worse and a much bigger drama queen. We might have had too much fun in Vegas while I was drunk. I'm not a fan of the pill (won't do it) so we've been using condoms. Apparently we were out. Sober that would have been the end of that, but drunk off my ass and I have a whole different set of priorities. I blame him. HE was sober. And he knew my wishes.

I may not be pregnant. I hope to fuck not. It would ruin all I've done here and set me back years. I think I'd go vegan. I'd have to. Grrr.... well enough of that. Speculation is the mother of bullshit. If I am, I'll tell you. Won't know for another week and a half or so. Yay. I love waiting so much. FML.

Back to the "bright side"...

The preferable part of my FML is if this sickness I'm dealing with is a stomach flu or something. I haven't been able to digest food since Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today anything I eat comes out how it went down. I've mostly felt fine despite my potty issues. And I've been really excited to be missing all those calories! XD But I went and complicated things yesterday I think by eating some things that are very difficult to digest. Asian fried shrimp with shells on, and later on clams and corn in a very yummy clam bake. Normally, those would be hard to digest, but fine. In this case, it is murder. I was up half the night last night as it tore through my stomach and intestines. I had cold sweats last night and hot sweats this morning. I feel sooooooo fucked in my tum tum. :( I feel like puking, but can't. Horrible nausea.

The down side to my symptoms is that I'm starting to get dehydrated. My legs were cramping in my sleep last night and my lips feel dry this morning. I keep drinking lots of water. I dunno if its good enough.

But BUT BUT!

I'm pretty excited about it. My food isn't digesting. So that means if I want to avoid dehydration from the potty problems, I need to WATER FAST! Yay!! Maybe juice or some soup. I haven't been able to do a long water fast because of how worn out I get. But if I can call in sick days because I'm SICK and my husband has to look after the kids, I can sneak a lengthy fast in there. Plus I probably shouldn't be eating for a day or two anyway while the tummy recovers. So apart from feeling like hell, it's a win/win situation.

How have you guys been? Good I hope. Hanging in and sticking to your goals?

Hugs to all!
xox

Back With Goji Berries...SWAN DIVE!

Finally back from the Friend-And-FamStravaganza in Vegas.

It went well. REALLY well. Vegas was fun. Tons of dancing, drinking, and sex. It's hard to come back to reality after all that. :)

There is some good news and bad news though.

The Bad News
I didn't lose any weight while I was out there. I ate... and it was amazing.

The Good News
I didn't GAIN weight while I was out there. I can't imagine how... because I ate... and it was amazing. I guess I didn't eat a lot. I kept to gourmet small portions.

The Teeny Bit of More Bad News
I drank juice there every day and am now a carboholic again. Need to work hard the next week or so to wean myself off all that sugar. Was going to fast yesterday and had the worst binge in a year. Chips and candy?? That is soooooo not me.
Feh. Meh. Bleh.

I missed you guys so much. I really wanted to read and post while I was there, but it was too risky. You know what I mean I'm sure. Considering all the people around, that would be the last thing I needed. So provided no one actually dug around in my stuff, Ana, my dearest personal trainer remains a secret.

So now, back and focused...

I chose to actually Zig today and eat rather than my usual habit of cleansing by fasting first. The thing is, I was not eating my normal raw and whole diet while I was away and need to renourish myself so I don't freak out and binge again. For dinner I had a mega binge buster meal.

Binge Buster Bowl
about half a cup of lightly sweetened granola (health food store stuff)
a half cup of dried goji berries
about 2 tablespoons of raw cacao (chocolate) nibs
a teaspoon of sunflower seeds
a handful of frozen blueberries
topped with oat milk

I won't lie. It is a heavy little bowl of food. I let it sit so the goji berries would soak and soften a bit.

Know Your Goji

Goji berries have immune strengthening ingredients not found in any other plant.
They have more vitamin C and anti-oxidants than any other food by a long shot.
Best of all...

They are an appetite suppressant!

Tomorrow I'll be back to a Zag day... or maybe fast. I really want to fast, but I think it's the wrong time of the month for that. I'm right in my PMDD to PMS zone and I have to try not to do anything too drastic during that time or my chemical balances go wacky and I get really manic... mega mood swings to severe depression. Right now I'm trying to balance it out with getting plenty of sleep and good raw nutrition. We'll see how I do. Thanks to the PMDD crap, I end up fighting two battles instead of just the one with my weight. Sux. :P

Anyway, I may Zag, but not starve. I think I might plan another week long water fast for after my period though... TMI OMG FREAKOUT. hehehe You know, we all have them, so sue me. Actually, I guess some of us don't get them regularly anymore... fuck... technicality. ;)

So that's it! Hugs all around! It's good to be back! <3xox<3