Really Am Lost At Sea

Still in Hawaii.

I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.

I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.

I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.

On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.

Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.

And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.

Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do

Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.

Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!

No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?

See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.

I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.

I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...

Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health

and

Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down

Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox

It's Been Quiet

The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.

Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.

Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.

I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.

Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.

I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.

Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!

Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!

Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.

So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.

My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand

It is incredible how some small thing can transport you through time and space to a single moment in your life. The world of now melts away, meaningless... A wave of sound or smell sweeps you up and fills every sense you have. Instantly you're gone.

"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."

The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?

"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."

Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.

"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"

It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.

"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."

Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.

14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.


Play.

Being Constructive in the Face of Failure

Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.

Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.

I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.

I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.

Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.

What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh

More From Me On PMDD - tumblr 10/7/10

Other PMDD Posts....

I'm PMS Hide Your Knives!
(Hide ya kids, hide ya knives, and hide ya husbands cuz they PMSin' everybody up hea.<3)

PMDDiddly

On my PMDD days I don't like leaving my room. I tend to hole up. I feel bad for my kids on those days because they're left to themselves and not taken out to do things, or paid as much attention to. The problem is, when I do force myself out those days I'm so ill-tempered that I upset them anyway. I have a hard time handling them those days and they end up punished more... though they're no worse behaved those days than any. I just don't perceive situations and actions of others clearly and feel like everyone is deliberately against me, then I retaliate... right or wrong... true or not.

I've come to realize through introspection that the only thing I truly feel during these times it the urge to be left alone. I don't mind if people are around, but I want to be ignored and quiet. I crave solitude. If I get it, everything is fine. If I don't, everything goes to hell.

This month's PMDDizzle isn't as bad as normal. I'm curious why. I've been reading up. Extra sleep, plenty of exercise, and a nutritious diet (free of refined foods, and too much sugar or salt) can help balance the hormones. I'd love to think that's it, but I've only been on my "healthy" diet and yoga routine for a week. I can't imagine it would work that quickly. Who knows.

I've decided to stop weighing myself for a while. One thing that's always bothered me about regular exercise is how I always gain weight before I lose it. Now that I'm on that path, I just don't want to know. My calories are low because my diet is mostly raw and very clean. Any weight gain would be muscle. I need to just trust the process and stick to it. Feeling good can be it's own reward or now.

That and my upcoming 6 weeks in Hawaii. XD I'm pretty excited. Home is where the heart is, and Maui was my home for more of my life than any other place. It's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. Every year I've lived in California I've felt like I was away on business, and each time I go back to Maui I get to go home for a while before leaving again on my extended trip to "the mainland." If I ever get to move back, the amount of peace I'll feel will be impossible to express. In the mean time, this long visit out there is the best I can do. I leave in about 2 weeks.

Time to go eat breakfast. A challenge being on this plan is to eat regularly. I'm not very good at it anymore.

Love you loves!<3

PMS Prevention?

These are the most interesting sections of an article from a Real Yoga NY blog regarding the use of Ayurveda on female hormonal issues:

N: What are some of the general rules that we can follow to prevent PMS from happening?


V: As a general rule, diet is very important 1 week before the cycle. Try to avoid anything too cold, salty, refined sugar, and caffeine. Your diet should contain mostly warm and nourishing light dishes. Cooked and semi-cooked vegetable and lots of fruits is always good, just make sure not to mix them in one meal. It is best to follow your regular routine without adding anything new or extreme to your lifestyle. So if you exercise regularly, keep exercising at the same level of intensity, no need to significantly reduce or intensify the routine. Also, aim for a good restful sleep, it will keep Vata at bay. One last important thing to keep in mind is your digestion. Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day to detoxify your body.

Sounds like good solid advice in general. I know that this month, my PMDD (PMS on steroids) is much milder... even manageable. The only reason I can think of for that is maybe the 8 to 10 hours of sleep I've been getting, the diet shift (no processed food and little or no preservatives), and yoga every day. I've only been observing those rules for a week as of today though. Could it have made such an obvious difference so quickly? Maybe I'm just happier...?

N: If a woman experiences severe PMS symptoms what can be done to alleviate them? You mentioned that there are some yoga asanas and breathing that Ayurveda can prescribe to fight off different ailments. What works during PMS?

V: Vajrasana or Thunderbolt pose is good to keep digestion healthy and prevent PMS symptoms. 
Vata types should focus on keeping their internal warmth. Sun Salutations, forward bends, child’s pose, and Rabbit are good asanas for Vata type PMS. They can also add alternative nostril breathing and Bhramri or Bramari (Bumble Bee) breath. 

Pitta types will benefit from side stretches that will reduce frustration and help create more space and openness; Cobra, Bow, and Camel poses. Pitta’s PMS yoga routine should start and end with a long Savasana to release all the tension and bring the attention internally. They should avoid Sun Salutations during this time and do a cooling Sheetali Breathing .

I don't know much about the Ayurvedic body types. I looked into Ayurveda a few years back, read up a bit, and then slipped away from it. It seemed like something that was not even practiced commonly by people from India. A "spooky" fringe thing that is easy for easterners to sell to westerners. It may deserve a closer look again. I know that the herbs recommended are also backed by a lot of other health schools of thought, so maybe there is more to it than I gave it all credit for.

N: You mentioned that Ayurveda uses a lot of spices to alleviate certain health issues. What works for PMS or other common problems?

V: Turmeric, coriander, and fenugreek are special women-friendly PMS fighting herbs that can be added to cooking or to tea, if you don’t mind a bitter taste. They have a calming and warming effect on the body and mind, promoting healthy digestion and stress-release.

Check out the whole article here...

Haven't lost any more weight this week that I can tell. My body feels much firmer though. I can tell by the touch, which is interesting. My muscles are waking up and it feels really good. The yoga is also putting me in very close touch with my body. For example, I had family visiting yesterday so I made a special dinner including free-range, grass-fed beef steaks, a salad with my own very low cal dressing, and a fresh, semi-raw tomato soup made from scratch from farmer's market produce purchased that day. Oh... and a home made apple pie sweetened with honey. It was all extremely fresh and delicious. I didn't over eat. In fact, with the steak, I was so full after eating very little. And I didn't have any pie.

Today in my morning yoga, I feel like there is a brick still sitting in my stomach. The beef is clearly not done digesting. I don't feel sick or anything, but I do feel heavy and a bit sluggish in my yoga. I probably wouldn't notice if it wasn't for yoga being my daily constant, but it puts an excellent spotlight on all things physical.

My shoulders are looser.
I had the best down dog today ever. My back even cracked a bit... it felt soooo good!
My neck and calves are a bit tight.
My tummy feels heavier from the inside.

It's very interesting.

I do feel good though. Thank you yoga for being my line of communication with my body! <3

Love you all!<3

Yesterday's Food, Today's Yoga

Sept. 30
NUTRITION TOTALS:

Total Cal.:	1656.66	Total Fat:	79.44	Total Cholesterol.:	885.17
Total Sodium:	3927.15	Total Carbs:	90.87	Total Fiber:	19.56
Total Sugar:	5.56	Total Protein:	148.36	Total Water:	6.83
Total Points:	0.00

I love this app. :) (Weightmania Pro)

Only got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I'm supposed to do better. But yoga went well today. I'm already so much better at getting deep into the poses and actually have the energy to power through it. I'm doing the P90X Yoga X every day for a month. I know you're supposed to vary the workout but this is just while I get into my routine, so I dont really have to think about it. Keep things predictable for the next 3 weeks while I adjust to this new life approach. It's all good. Doing this every day for now has helped me progress pretty quickly. It feels great!

I still haven't been able to fit weight training into my day, and have only added cardio in a couple times. I guess I'll just do what I can. In any case, the ashtanga yoga is the biggest calorie burn for the day anyway, so of course that matters the most to me. :)

Ok, well, on with the day. <3