The Pirate Journal of Elle Lost at Sea

Elle's Ship Heads for Warmer Waters

2011-02-04T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'm moving to Maui, Loves. I am.

I was setting it as one of my goals to get myself in top shape, but things have changed. I have to make some edits here, but don't have time yet. I have a month or so to pull my life up from its only half committed roots here in California, box them, and ship them overseas.

As for my updates regarding my personal progress and life:

I am still in love with yoga. It is such a life-changer. Not in a spiritual or mystical sense... Physically, it is transformational, and as a result it is mentally and hormonally transformational too. I need it. I think it's my new addiction.

My food addiction has been manageable for the most part. Setting my sights on raw eating has helped me a lot. Shoot for the stars and you might hit the moon. That's good enough for me. So I haven't kept on my target but it's helped me not to relapse into hurting myself with food. On the other hand, after being on Maui during my last trip and eating other people's food, my diet has decayed into kinda healthy instead of super healthy like it should be.

Another impact of my Maui trip back in Oct-Nov is that once I came back, I was sooooooo depressed. omg it was awful. In fact I've been sick almost nonstop since. I feel like my whole body is rejecting my life out here. I'm so glad I finally can actually go, but believe me, it can't come soon enough.

Maui is a great travel destination, but honestly, most people can't stand living there. Or can't manage to. It's a bit of a culture clash. So I understand my move and my enthusiasm isn't for everyone. For me it's really just home though. Take away the whole marketing sell and tropical promotion and luxury stuff, and what this really is is me moving home. I couldn't be happier. Until I get there I suppose. ;)

Well, life calls. Back to the salt mines for me. And packing!

Much Has Changed, Where Have I Been?

2011-02-04T09:46:00.001-08:00

Heather and Kazehana...

You two have locked down your blogs. Can I grab an invite? I've been away a while, but I'd love to stay in the loop.

Hope all is well,

Elle

Elf vs Santa: Which Body Would You Rather Have?

2010-12-04T20:23:00.001-08:00

When the Holiday Season has passed us by would you rather it left you svelte as an elf or thick as Saint Nick? Here are 10 ways to keep lean as a reindeer.

10. Dasher - Dress as dashing and gorgeous as you can. If there is less room for "error" in your outfit, you will be less likely to stuff yourself like a stocking.

9. Dancer - Self explanatory. Dance! Enjoy the parties and shake your holly jolly groove thang.

8. Prancer - Don't walk or stroll through the mall shopping or chilling with friends. Brush up your Naomi Campbell and strut with speed and style. You'll look hawt and it'll keep your metabolism up!

7. Vixen - Yeah they don't call her that for nothing. ;) I'm talking about sex, Miss Post! Sexy Santa Babies burn lots of cals in the bedroom. Make sure you have a safe partner, but go nympho for New Years! It's more fun than cookies anyway.

6. Comet - ...cleanser that is! Keep your room/house/apartment clean. It will keep your mind clear too and give you something non-diet-related to be OCD about.

5. Cupid - In our romantic lives we tend to figure nothing says I love you like sweets. Unfigure that! You can be a better Cupid by being creative with your indulgences. Focus on adventures, music, massages, baths, or other sensual pursuits involving your 4 non-taste-related senses.

4. Donner - Or should I say DAWNer... As in MORNING. What I'm trying to say is, amid all the dancing and vixening, don't forget to go to bed early every couple of nights and recharge with some good sleep. Even a nap is helpful. Often we eat to compensate with sleepless fatigue. So be sure to don your gay sleep apparel and falala lalala la la lall asleep.

3. Blitzen - Ballroom blitz, bar fight, or Bikram, keep up with your workouts. There is no appetite suppresser like intense physical activity. It literally shuts the stomach down temporarily. So get blitzin'!

2. Rudolph - Lead the sleigh, and lead the way. Don't wait on family or friends to do right or get in active gear or keep the menu healthy. It's all you. Be the motivator and the others might even follow. Either way, you'll be all set to survive the holidays slim and slender!

1. Hohoho - Smile and above all else, laugh. It's the best ab workout and can shift your mood and chemistry on a dime!

Merry Christmas!!!

Out of My Discomfort Zone

2010-11-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

Still in Hawaii, and still loving it. Beautiful day after beautiful day pass here, full of activity, living, and usefulness. I'm truly happy here.

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY NEVER ENDING BATTLE WITH FOOD.

I was doing really well. Mostly raw. But the last couple days I've let slip and last night I was served breaded fish and rice pilaf from a box and ate it. :(((( I'm slowly sinking back into garbage mainstream eating because THAT is what my in-laws think is healthy and acceptable! It's not! Maybe I'm overreacting. It actually wasn't the last couple of days, it was just the one meal. But the temptation has been there for several days which is almost as bad! Maybe I should just let it go... just one meal of questionable food... But I can't. It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of wine!

I've worked so hard to fight my eating disorder, and constantly fight my lifelong dietary programming that tells me to stuff my face with factory produced rehash that is not real food. It is my responsibility to protect myself from packaged food industry and it's commercially brainwashed minions in the masses. I know. But it's hard having it in my face every day. This is even worse than when I was fasting and sticking to my diet in months past while still cooking for my kids. The food is even worse, and people are serving it to me almost constantly.

I've fought back by offering to make dinner. Serving fresh salads, veggie dishes, and steamed or grilled fish or chicken, or making sushi and soups. They love my dinners... but I think their cravings and bad habits freak out and kick in and then they fight back with fried foods, starches, and boxed meals... cereals and cookies... pasta pasta pasta. /sigh... :(

I need to get out of here. I'm more physically active than ever. This should be great for me, but my body needs beautiful food, healthy food for radiant, glowing, health and beauty. My body needs to be not only my temple but my sanctuary!

bah.

damn people are violating my sanctuary. I need better security. Gotta put in some cameras and alarm systems. ;)

Sorry about all the fussing. I'm just upset I'm dealing with this at all.

And the result:

I'm water fasting today. I'm thinking about fasting all week. What does that mean? I am shutting down and going back to the only thing I know I can do to battle my ED and that is my other ED. Am I relapsing? Regressing? Or am I just honestly hitting a reset button to recommit to the healthy pattern I've successfully maintained for a while? I don't know. I do know that I don't really trust myself. I also know that I can't talk myself out of it.

As this is my journal I must be completely honest and say that I'm punishing myself for what I ate for dinner last night. Breaded fish and pilaf. My penance is one full day of "Hail glass, full of water" and two days of "Our juice fast, thou art heaven..." My brain knows this is not the best example of behavior. My husband would probably insist on a different course correction. But he's not here. He's been gone for 2 of 3 weeks we knew we'd be without him this month. So oh well. Ideally I should be eating healthy, I know that. And I have been most of the time. Obviously I've slipped though and that is absolutely unacceptable. We all know I'd rather err on the side of starvation than on the side of poison/gluttony.

I'm sure this is just temporary. I'll get my day of water and couple days of juice fasting out of the way, feel better, and go back to enjoying my bowls of sunshine. Fresh fruit right off the trees in the morning, gorgeous green salads in the afternoon, and vivid vital veggies in the evenings! Yay! Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

NO PILAF EVER AGAIN! I REPENT!

-----Comments-----

Kazehana - I definitely agree on the importance of fats. Thats why I figured I'd stick with the naturally oily foods like salmon, avocado, and olives. I always opt for butter over margarine. Oh and I didn't give up oil entirely on my salads but I am trying avocado oil... so I get some of that every day. Besides my salads and sauces, I'm not getting much oil though because I'm not cooking much. No butter because I haven't been eating anything that cooks in or uses butter. I'm an avocado junkie though, so I'm probably ok on the oil front. :)

Drinking Air and Eating Sunshine

2010-11-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Hawaii has been good to me.

Staying in someone else's house makes it difficult to stick with the rhythm I want/need my life to follow. However, being here on Maui, influenced by the sun, sea, sand, and stars (Yes, you really can see them here.), it is so much clearer who I am and how I want to live. I'm more driven to do things the way I think best. My motivation is limitless.

\\ Rainy Day Today //

I love the storms here. Wet, windy, and... warm? And another thing I love here is that it gets dark at night. Out in the middle of nowhere paradise, there are no street lights. It's wave-your-hand-blindly-in-front-of-your-face dark. :) Mmmmm happiness.

I've been reading one of those books I listed the other day. Raw Food Life Force Energy. I'm still fascinated by the science of energy passed through the food chain, and the book does go into some of that. But eventually I think the book departs a bit from science and into a more "new age" intuition and philosophy without so much evidence. Which is fine. It's good to hear other perspectives and learn what good there is in them. I'm not so sure about aligning my diet with specific "vibrations" but I am interested in getting as clean and close to a natural source of nourishment as possible and all the benefits one can receive from such a lifestyle. I've begun to skip around a bit, but I'm still reading. It's a pretty cool book.

EATING SUNSHINE

I've taken to making as much of my meals as possible out of sunshine. :)

Sunshine = foods recently picked... fresh, raw fruits and veggies with as little man-made influence as possible.

For example:

Breakfast today was lemon mint tea (using lemons off the tree and fresh mint), a green salad, and a bit of smoked salmon.

I admit the smoked salmon is not perfect, but it's pretty close to raw and feels pretty light. The salad is my bowl of sunshine though. Everything fresh and bright, recently picked and still full of sunlight. I feel great eating my sunshine. I also tend to eat a lot of fruits right off the trees. Papaya, passion fruit (usually eat 3 or 4 a day here), guava, and tree ripened bananas from the back yard. I don't tend to eat bananas, but I think the sunshine factor in a banana right from the tree outweighs the peril of the calories. I've had a fair amount of avocado too.

What I've cut since I've been here (in addition to the processed foods, breads, cereals, canned goods, milk, most cheeses, red meat etc. that I already don't eat or only have on rare occasion) is oils. I know, I know... omega3 yadda yadda... olive oil is good for you blah blah blah. I do know all the support for it. But I'm going back to my own common sense, which says that during the millions of years of our evolution there was no olive oil flowing across the land for us to collect and spill over our salads. We didn't evolve ingesting such large servings of oils. And since we're water based life forms, I question what the oil coating in our digestive system does to us. I'm trying to skip it. I'll eat foods that naturally have oil, like salmon, avocado, and olives. Yum yum... especially the olives. :) My fave. But nope, dripping and pouring oil... No thanks.

So again, time will tell how well this works for me.

The goal of course is to be lean, strong, and glowing radiantly. I am still carrying around too much weight. This book I'm reading talks about that too. Overloading our bodies and how to let it go. I need to let go of at LEAST another 20 lbs of overload. I also haven't been able to track my weight since I've been here. I hope getting back home to my scale in about a month will tell me something I want to hear. :)

Until then, I'll listen to my body, get natural and get simple.

And I'll post as much as I have time to in case it does work out so that everyone knows exactly what I did to get to the goal. My goal, your goal... a skinny, healthy goal.

Hearts to all! <3

175 Days to My One Year Skinniversary

2010-11-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Not officially skinny yet. I know. But the day I snapped and changed my life completely and uncompromisingly is the day I call my Skinniversary. I look at it like a birthday, or maybe a rebirthday. I'll never forget the day. April 26th, 2010. I almost feel like it's more relevant to me than my birthday.

I'm really looking forward to my Skinniversary. I think it may end up my favorite holiday, seeing how I progress every year.

Just my thoughts for the morning.

Really Am Lost At Sea

2010-10-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Still in Hawaii.

I'm absolutely consumed by my life here.

I am never bored. It's amazing. I have busied myself to a thrilling degree. It suits me. It's who I am.

I've done some home restoration projects, gone to the beach, mowed lawns, gone on commando hikes, built a greenhouse, and have plans for so much more. Landscaping a part jungle property for one.

On the down side, I'm staying with other people and not eating right. My yoga and beautiful diet have been interrupted by the trip and family culture in the house I'm staying at. You can see by my activities I've kept active, so that's good. And I've lost about a pound.... but still. I need to stay on my program. Stay raw, stick with yoga and keep them as my habit and lifestyle. I don't want to lose that battle. I'll be here for more than another month, so I have to be sure to correct it ASAP. This month my PMDD didn't cause me to mess up though, but my mess up has made my PMDD noticeably worse.

Even here in absolute heaven I can't get a grip on my hormonal demon. Chemicals are chemicals and no amount of happiness and wishing it away are going to help me. It kicked up a couple days ago and is not expected to let up for 12 or so more days. Boo... That is the full length of PMDD. I was so excited last month when I cut my time in half by doing so well. Fuck. I'm an inconsistent person. In fact my slogan is often "If I'm consistently anything, I'm inconsistent." It's amazing on its own that I've stuck to losing weight and altering my eating disorder so intensely since April. It should indicate how deep and powerful those feelings are. On the other hand, it also indicates my extreme personality and unlikeliness of doing anything in moderation.

And another paragraph is completely all over the map. But so am I. That's the nature of things this time of the month.

Back to focusing... Beach Body had an interesting article on the effects of your social network on your health and thinness. http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_431.do

Even more interesting to me, I was reading about the energy of the sun and how it relates to diet and the food chain. The energy from the sun radiates down on our planet. Plants take this energy and convert it into something usable as nourishment. Then other living things, mainly herbivores, eat the plants, taking about 10% of the solar energy remaining within the plant matter. Meat eaters then eat the herbivores, but only get about 10% of the solar energy that the herbivore had gotten from the plant. The more raw fruit and vegetable you eat, the more direct solar energy your body has access to. The quality of that energy and amount is greater. If you eat a lot of meat, the amount is greatly diminished. AND it didn't even get into the concept of cooking. Cooking pretty much kills and breaks down the food quality.

Anyway, the idea of eating light... eating solar energy was fascinating to me. The basis of life! Could anything be better than that? And I finally get it!

No wonder some people say their body is their temple! It's almost spiritual. Mind, body, and soul right? Eating raw, whole fruits and vegetables... preferably picked recently or immediately... is taking in a more raw form of energy! No wonder so many of the most successful actors and super models do it. Maybe that more raw solar energy is a bit like a gentle touch from a fountain of youth. You can always spot them. Like Christy Turlington and Carol Alt... and look at Woody Harrelson! Did you know he's going to be 50 next year? One thing that stands out about all of them (and several hippie people I know) is that they have glowing, incredible skin. They look in person, without makeup, how most people look on a hollywood screen after $5,000 of makeup and $10,000 of digital enhancement. Raw food. Raw energy. I'm excited. Can you tell?

See before I was coming from an approach of recognizing the quality of vitamins and enzymes. I really wasn't comprehending the solar energy and source of all life bit.

I'll quit ranting now. :) Might even have some breakfast. Some very, very fresh breakfast.

I'm thinking of buying a couple of books this morning too...

Raw Food Life Force Energy: Enter a Totally New Stratosphere of Weight Loss, Beauty, and Health

and

Get Naked Fast! A Guide to Stripping Away the Foods That Weigh You Down

Ok. Byebye for now. <3
xox

It's Been Quiet

2010-10-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

The Pirate Journal has been a bit quiet lately. Not a lot of scurrilous behavior to report. In fact, things have been surprisingly tame around here lately. For the first time in a long time, my diet isn't an issue. That's incredible and I'm really excited about it. Raw food baby, raw food. I've said it over and over in my posts here. It's the answer. Low low cal, high nutrition, healthy enzymes... it's what your body wants. I did binge just once and it was stupid. Just that cheeseless pizza that one night. But since I've behaved again.

Eating raw has helped me not to binge by taking away my body's ravenous urge to do it. All that is left then is my binge habit in general, but without my body pushing it, it's much easier to be about to take a bite, or to take one bite, set it down, and walk away. Which I've done repeatedly. When I send out a binge report saying I didn't binge for days or weeks, it doesn't mean I wasn't on the verge. But without my body's vampire-like hunger driving me compulsively toward monstrous disaster, all that's left is a misbehaving puppy who responds to the wag of a finger and a nudge.

Raw food. I promise you. I have the way to get there outlined step by step on Pro-Ana Optimal in the Step by Step Guide. It's hard to go raw cold turkey, but it can be worked up to.

I am on top of the world the days that I have a 100% raw day. It's bliss. My body feels euphoric. Having done this for nearly a month now, it's amazing how gross and miserable my body feels when I eat something I normally would have eaten before. This noticeable difference makes it really easy to avoid the mistake next time. Upset tummies are excellent motivators... not to mention the difference in calories. It's not even necessary to count calories my raw days. I can't get them up to 1400 usually even if I try. So I rest easier without having to obsess.

Enter daily yoga for the same amount of time. Heaven. It's the same situation really. The yoga feels so good, and when I miss a day or don't make it through most of a practice, I feel so blah! I've adjusted to the incredibly blissful and "right" physical feeling of regular yoga. My inner insides feel at peace from the raw food, and my outer insides feel relaxed, refreshed, and strong from the yoga. Days I slack or mess up, I get a punishment... I just don't feel good. When I am eating raw and doing yoga, I feel incredible. That high is addictive and I'm absolutely in love with it.

I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. If you want to master something, teach it, right? Well, I want yoga to be as deep and natural a part of my life as possible. Instructor training would enrich my life and deepen me into the yoga experience. And if I could actually end up teaching classes or one-on-one instruction, that would be great too! When I find something that works, I love to share it... so who knows.

Weight-wise, I'm plateaued. Not so thrilled about that. BUT my body is changing. It's firming up. I can see the difference in the mirror. I should measure myself again soon. May have to wait till Hawaii to do that though because things are really busy here with the trip count down and needing to downscale my life here. Sold my fish, got rid of my plants so there is nothing to maintain here. Got rid of decorations and non-essentials because I don't need them and because I want to move so badly after this trip. My heart has one foot out the door on this life here and is dead set on getting the other foot out too. Next trip I take to Hawaii after this one I want to be a permanent one. I have no confirmation that I can do that beyond my sheer will. I can't wait to see what happens though!!

Meantime, my sister Kit is moving and also trying to move back to Hawaii. I wonder which of us will get to first. The suspense is killing me! I was helping her clean out her apartment the other day, and cart her shit to Goodwill yesterday. I'm really proud of her. She also gave notice at her job. Her fiance has shifted gears for a major career change upcoming. I'm so incredibly happy for them both. They often are the types to make due with shit and just be unhappy. Right now they are taking control and moving forward, creating their own adventure! I love that! Life is too short to stay mired in shit that doesn't make you happy. There are no rules to play by, its all illusion. YOU have to take initiative and go fucking make a change. And if it doesn't work, it was an adventure. Pick yourself up and head out for the next one. :) It's great!

Mei on the other hand is having a really hard time. She's been stagnating in a good relationship but the stagnation is now killing it. She's lost right now. And for someone who usually is very sensible and capable, she is absolutely floundering and lost sight of what her paths through are or how to reach them. She's shut down. I really don't know what will happen with she and her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of my best friends). I know I could help them, but I'm leaving soon and not sure if I can manage anything before I go. They're going to have to see their own way through it. I have no idea what is going to happen. But you know, they're grown-ups, so they can manage their own problems. As much as I want to help, I also feel ok letting go and getting a postcard after the fact.

So that's about it with me. Lots of change in the air! I love it, but it has me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable. I like to know what is going on. By the time I get back from Maui, the whole world I care about will have changed in really important ways resulting in things I can't see at the moment. The rock in the pit of my stomach has me wondering if I'm some kind of control freak. I mean, my adventurous side is thrilled with all the change, but another part of me is completely frazzled and freaked out not knowing what the future holds, and not even seeing the potential outcomes clearly.

My solution? Do some yoga. :) It helps with everything. I think a daily practice is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Love you all! I hope the changes in your life are good to you! xox

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand

2010-10-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

It is incredible how some small thing can transport you through time and space to a single moment in your life. The world of now melts away, meaningless... A wave of sound or smell sweeps you up and fills every sense you have. Instantly you're gone.

"I've been downhearted baby... been downhearted baby... every since the day we met."

The beat of this song by Primitive Radio Gods takes me to a day or two after my mom died. A perfectly serene day. All the windows in the house were open. All the doors. The breeze swept gently through as did the moving bodies of living people here to support my dad, my sisters, and I. Who were they all?

"We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me."

Some faces I knew, some I didn't. They were sweet with love and sadness... just like the sunshine outside. It really was the perfect day. I always wanted to write that poem. "The Price of a Perfect Day" The day after her death, her memorial, her funeral... sublimely perfect days. Almost impossibly so. But this one day was the most of all. Maui was never more vivid, wearing her brightest colors.

"If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?"

It's amazing who actually shows up in a crisis. Not always who you think would. And so many who should have didn't. Despite feeling alone, we weren't. I can see them coming and going. This memory may span more than one day. I don't know. I floated through it like a feather on gusts of air. Shocked, fragile, grateful, and broken. The song played over and over. I'm not sure why. My sister Kit and I both loved it so much at the time. I'm not the only one it takes back. We all feel it. We can smell the plumeria leis being made by our Hawaiian aunties. We can feel the hugs from their full arms.

"I've been downhearted baby. I've been downhearted baby... ever since the day we met... ever since the day we met."

Then the song ends. Everyone leaves eventually. The emptiness sets in. Night falls. As the sun turns off, the red light turns on in my deep dark room. I didn't sleep much. And then I think I slept for two years... because I don't remember a lot during that time.

14 years can't erase or wear down the clarity this song brings. It really is amazing.

Play.

Being Constructive in the Face of Failure

2010-10-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I lost it and ate something I shouldn't, knowing I shouldn't, and ate more than I should have. Pizza. 2 slices, no cheese. You may say not so bad, but it was a binge, so it is bad. I was full. I'd already eaten a wonderful veggie salad.

Yes, it could have been worse, but that isn't the point. The point is not giving in to addictions, listening to one's wiser inner voice, and controlling one's self for a healthier lifestyle. Yesterday I failed.

I'm doing my best not to self-loathe about it. I know that I lost control because of a greater problem, my PMDD. It's in full flair-up right now and I was having trouble coping with anything and everything yesterday. I nearly cried so many times yesterday over the smallest things, and then nearly cried because of how ridiculous it was and what it must look like to my kids. I try so hard to at least keep up appearances for them. It doesn't really work. I almost called my sister crying. The reason I didn't was insecurity. This is not who I am. None of it, yet here I am, every month living as some other person for a span of time. It's insane. Really. Literally.

I did find out my grandmother suffered from it too until she hit menopause. Only no one knew what it was back then. It's good to know that. So far she's been the only real person I can talk to about it who really knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Back to the binge and PMDD in general, the main thing I'm working and focusing on now is not hating myself when I fuck up. I am human. I will falter. But I'm picturing myself and my progress like a bird. A bird flies along at great heights. Does it falter? Yes. But it doesn't throw a hissy-fit and fall out of the sky to a squishy death out of despair. It falters, then corrects itself and keeps on flying. Have you ever seen a cat try to jump up on something and miss? They look confused (sometimes embarrassed lol) but they drop that and jump up again. They don't howl out of self-loathing and collapse on the floor for the rest of the afternoon. When I need wisdom, I don't look to people, I look to the natural world. The natural world does not wallow in self pity. Humans are the only doofuses who make time for that sort of thing. My main goal is to stay on track and if I don't, I will correct and go on.

Gosh that sounds great doesn't it? Now I feel completely cynical about taking that philosophy out into another day of full fledged Jekyll and Hyde PMDD madness.

What the heckle, Jekyll, sometimes you gotta close the bedroom door and Hyde. /sigh

PMDDiddly

2010-10-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

On my PMDD days I don't like leaving my room. I tend to hole up. I feel bad for my kids on those days because they're left to themselves and not taken out to do things, or paid as much attention to. The problem is, when I do force myself out those days I'm so ill-tempered that I upset them anyway. I have a hard time handling them those days and they end up punished more... though they're no worse behaved those days than any. I just don't perceive situations and actions of others clearly and feel like everyone is deliberately against me, then I retaliate... right or wrong... true or not.

I've come to realize through introspection that the only thing I truly feel during these times it the urge to be left alone. I don't mind if people are around, but I want to be ignored and quiet. I crave solitude. If I get it, everything is fine. If I don't, everything goes to hell.

This month's PMDDizzle isn't as bad as normal. I'm curious why. I've been reading up. Extra sleep, plenty of exercise, and a nutritious diet (free of refined foods, and too much sugar or salt) can help balance the hormones. I'd love to think that's it, but I've only been on my "healthy" diet and yoga routine for a week. I can't imagine it would work that quickly. Who knows.

I've decided to stop weighing myself for a while. One thing that's always bothered me about regular exercise is how I always gain weight before I lose it. Now that I'm on that path, I just don't want to know. My calories are low because my diet is mostly raw and very clean. Any weight gain would be muscle. I need to just trust the process and stick to it. Feeling good can be it's own reward or now.

That and my upcoming 6 weeks in Hawaii. XD I'm pretty excited. Home is where the heart is, and Maui was my home for more of my life than any other place. It's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. Every year I've lived in California I've felt like I was away on business, and each time I go back to Maui I get to go home for a while before leaving again on my extended trip to "the mainland." If I ever get to move back, the amount of peace I'll feel will be impossible to express. In the mean time, this long visit out there is the best I can do. I leave in about 2 weeks.

Time to go eat breakfast. A challenge being on this plan is to eat regularly. I'm not very good at it anymore.

Love you loves!<3

PMS Prevention?

2010-10-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

These are the most interesting sections of an article from a Real Yoga NY blog regarding the use of Ayurveda on female hormonal issues:

N: What are some of the general rules that we can follow to prevent PMS from happening? 

V: As a general rule, diet is very important 1 week before the cycle. Try to avoid anything too cold, salty, refined sugar, and caffeine. Your diet should contain mostly warm and nourishing light dishes. Cooked and semi-cooked vegetable and lots of fruits is always good, just make sure not to mix them in one meal. It is best to follow your regular routine without adding anything new or extreme to your lifestyle. So if you exercise regularly, keep exercising at the same level of intensity, no need to significantly reduce or intensify the routine. Also, aim for a good restful sleep, it will keep Vata at bay. One last important thing to keep in mind is your digestion. Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day to detoxify your body.

Sounds like good solid advice in general. I know that this month, my PMDD (PMS on steroids) is much milder... even manageable. The only reason I can think of for that is maybe the 8 to 10 hours of sleep I've been getting, the diet shift (no processed food and little or no preservatives), and yoga every day. I've only been observing those rules for a week as of today though. Could it have made such an obvious difference so quickly? Maybe I'm just happier...?

N: If a woman experiences severe PMS symptoms what can be done to alleviate them? You mentioned that there are some yoga asanas and breathing that Ayurveda can prescribe to fight off different ailments. What works during PMS?

V: Vajrasana or Thunderbolt pose is good to keep digestion healthy and prevent PMS symptoms.  Vata types should focus on keeping their internal warmth. Sun Salutations, forward bends, child’s pose, and Rabbit are good asanas for Vata type PMS. They can also add alternative nostril breathing and Bhramri or Bramari (Bumble Bee) breath.   Pitta types will benefit from side stretches that will reduce frustration and help create more space and openness; Cobra, Bow, and Camel poses. Pitta’s PMS yoga routine should start and end with a long Savasana to release all the tension and bring the attention internally. They should avoid Sun Salutations during this time and do a cooling Sheetali Breathing .

I don't know much about the Ayurvedic body types. I looked into Ayurveda a few years back, read up a bit, and then slipped away from it. It seemed like something that was not even practiced commonly by people from India. A "spooky" fringe thing that is easy for easterners to sell to westerners. It may deserve a closer look again. I know that the herbs recommended are also backed by a lot of other health schools of thought, so maybe there is more to it than I gave it all credit for.

N: You mentioned that Ayurveda uses a lot of spices to alleviate certain health issues. What works for PMS or other common problems?

V: Turmeric, coriander, and fenugreek are special women-friendly PMS fighting herbs that can be added to cooking or to tea, if you don’t mind a bitter taste. They have a calming and warming effect on the body and mind, promoting healthy digestion and stress-release.

Check out the whole article here...

Haven't lost any more weight this week that I can tell. My body feels much firmer though. I can tell by the touch, which is interesting. My muscles are waking up and it feels really good. The yoga is also putting me in very close touch with my body. For example, I had family visiting yesterday so I made a special dinner including free-range, grass-fed beef steaks, a salad with my own very low cal dressing, and a fresh, semi-raw tomato soup made from scratch from farmer's market produce purchased that day. Oh... and a home made apple pie sweetened with honey. It was all extremely fresh and delicious. I didn't over eat. In fact, with the steak, I was so full after eating very little. And I didn't have any pie.

Today in my morning yoga, I feel like there is a brick still sitting in my stomach. The beef is clearly not done digesting. I don't feel sick or anything, but I do feel heavy and a bit sluggish in my yoga. I probably wouldn't notice if it wasn't for yoga being my daily constant, but it puts an excellent spotlight on all things physical.

My shoulders are looser.
I had the best down dog today ever. My back even cracked a bit... it felt soooo good!
My neck and calves are a bit tight.
My tummy feels heavier from the inside.

It's very interesting.

I do feel good though. Thank you yoga for being my line of communication with my body! <3

Love you all!<3

Yesterday's Food, Today's Yoga

2010-10-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Sept. 30
NUTRITION TOTALS:

Total Cal.:	1656.66	Total Fat:	79.44	Total Cholesterol.:	885.17
Total Sodium:	3927.15	Total Carbs:	90.87	Total Fiber:	19.56
Total Sugar:	5.56	Total Protein:	148.36	Total Water:	6.83
Total Points:	0.00

I love this app. :) (Weightmania Pro)

Only got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I'm supposed to do better. But yoga went well today. I'm already so much better at getting deep into the poses and actually have the energy to power through it. I'm doing the P90X Yoga X every day for a month. I know you're supposed to vary the workout but this is just while I get into my routine, so I dont really have to think about it. Keep things predictable for the next 3 weeks while I adjust to this new life approach. It's all good. Doing this every day for now has helped me progress pretty quickly. It feels great!

I still haven't been able to fit weight training into my day, and have only added cardio in a couple times. I guess I'll just do what I can. In any case, the ashtanga yoga is the biggest calorie burn for the day anyway, so of course that matters the most to me. :)

Ok, well, on with the day. <3

Monthly Measurement Check-In

2010-09-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

MEASUREMENTS:

Weight:	161.00	Waist:	37.30	Body Fat %:	27.79
BMI:	23.10
Neck:	13.00	Upper L. Arm:	12.25	Left Thigh:	22.75
Chest:	39.75	Upper R. Arm:	12.00	Right Thigh:	22.80
Mid-Section:	32.00	L. Forearm:	10.00	Left Calf:	13.50
Hips:	38.25	R. Forearm:	10.00	Right Calf:	13.50

Notes:
161.0 I'm really excited about the .0 because to me that means just a couple ounces away from 160.... which is just a lb away from the 150's. OmG!!!Z!!~!

Oh and I've been looking at my expired drivers licenses for weight info. How long have I been this fat anyway??

In 1995 I was 154.
In my adult life in 1996 I was 128.
In 1997 I was 135. -_-
And by about 1999 I was 145. Ugh.
I know that by 2001 I was about 160.
And from 2002 on I'd been above 170 until this year... 2010.

Such fast gain! I was averaging about 10 lbs per year! eew!! Funny since my whole life I've looked at overweight people thinking "didn't they notice?" "It doesn't happen overnight..." Well, it's not all that easy is it? Suck it Elle. So yes, I'm sorry... for being harsh to others and being a fat ass to myself.

Bottom line is, NEVER AGAIN.

So far this year I've unwound my weight clock back to 2001. :) That makes me happy. Can't wait till I get back into the 90's. hehe

<3

Losing Fast! New 10 Year Low!

2010-09-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was freaked out about the healthy thing, but yesterday I was down a lb. to 162.6 (had been up one even during fasting).

This morning I'm 161.0!!

Omg!! I'm so excited! My weight loss is moving again and on the kind of schedule I like to see! And now 14 days binge free!

I have to admit, it was REALLY hard not to binge yesterday. Ugh. Really hard. BUT I didn't. What made a huge difference was the counting the days. I didn't want to mess up getting to 14 days. I'm a gamer people. I like sport. I want my high score. 14! YAY! That's two weeks! Holy shit! XD New all time record I think.

So far on the workout end messed up my yoga yesterday and only did about 30 min. Today I did my full hour... though I started late because I overslept. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Another wow. I haven't slept that long since before I had kids. I hate going to sleep at 10pm, but I am tired, and I do want to see if its true that you burn calories 30% more efficiently if you sleep well.

I also nerded out further and threw down some cash for a new fitness tracking app. Got Weightmania Pro. Pricey and technical but this app tracks EVERYTHING from weights, heart rates, blood pressure, BMI, 12 body measurements, caliper skin thickness measurements, cholesterol... I mean everything. Has full diet and meal support, planning and tracking, and same for fitness including running routes and equipment replacement schedules (like when shoes wear out). Crazy. It must be for professional athletes, but it's also great for skinny obsessors. LIKE ME! :) Has great charts and reports and they easily cut and paste so I can add them on here.

Like yesterday's calories...

NUTRITION CATEGORY FROM: TUE, SEP 28, 2010 TO: WED, SEP 29, 2010
[TUE, SEP 28, 2010]

NUTRITION TOTALS:

Total Cal.:	900.55	Total Fat:	57.00	Total Cholesterol.:	1298.13
Total Sodium:	1565.55	Total Carbs:	54.00	Total Fiber:	16.73
Total Sugar:	8.64	Total Protein:	104.73	Total Water:	3.05
Total Points:	0.00

Weeee!

Actually that was a bit incomplete. But I didn't eat much after that. And should have eaten already today. Better go do that.

Oh and I did decide to keep my Twitter account. Since it's not specifically pro-ana anymore I changed it's name... :P So ElleAnaB is now ElleThin on twitter.

To all my pro-ana loves, I'm still losing weight as fast as I can, but my approach is healthy. If you want to continue following me, please do. I <3 you. If not and you really wanna stick to purely pro-ana now would be a good time to stop following, but no hard feelings. I <3 you anyway. :)

I'll be trying to follow healthier stuff instead of pro-ana. Doesn't mean you all haven't meant the world to me. I'll just be trying to focus my willpower against my ED. I'm sure you understand.

<3<3

Breakfast - 222 cals

2010-09-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Omlette

1 cherry tomato
5 pieces of marinated artichoke heart, drained
1 whole egg
2 egg whites

I guess I feel comfortably full. I don't feel bloated or gross. Not like at dinner last night. Dats guud.

Note: 13 days binge free!

Comments

Anonymous - I suck at moderation too. I do extremes. Stuff myself beyond all reason, or starve. I seem to be able to handle that. This path scares me. Each guideline looks to me like yet another way to fuck up. But it also puts me on the spot to practice what I preach. I started pro-ana optimal a long time ago. It's almost the same thing. Healthy calorie restriction, high nutrition, beauty from the inside out, skinny and gorgeous rather than skinny and sickly... the Christy Turlington route. /sigh So easy to say, but I've never yet managed to do it. Probably why I feel the need to stay so close to this blog right now. It's helped me so much. And so anyone reading can be a fly on the wall and see if it actually works... knowing how all over the place I've been.

Still Here With Bells On And A New Plan

2010-09-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Can't help coming here. I've kept journals since I was a little girl and this is my most active journal and pretty much my home since April. It's mine, and I see no reason not to continue working things out, thinking and talking on here.

Sam, it's nice to know that I've been helpful somehow. :) What I'm doing now is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I have diet guidelines that are pretty much what I've always advocated but never done.

Kazehana, your comment about the fight with Jae (the hubby) was dead on. That is exactly what he was trying to do. Fighting is definitely shitty. I feel a bit farther away from him each time we fight and it takes time for me to get closer again. But he did not ask me to starve and he put me on the spot this time. "I never wanted you to starve. If you did it for me, does this mean you'll do something else if I ask you to? Can I give you a plan that I do want you to do?" And I said yes.

Elle & Jae's Continued Weight Loss Plan

No need to be hungry. Eat for performance. Food as fuel, not for fun.

Diet

60% vegetables (as often as desired, no roots)
30% meat (preferably fish and skinless chicken)
10% fruit (specifically banana 30 min before cardio workouts)
No dairy for now, and no grains.
No preservatives.
No supplements.

Water

2 glasses of water before each meal, paced if necessary
water with workouts
stay well hydrated

Workouts

An hour of Yoga (he recommended the one from P90x)
20 minutes of intense cardio
20 minutes of weight lifting to muscle failure

Sleep

10 pm bed time
stay well rested for muscle regeneration and efficient calorie burn

That's it. Not terribly complicated, but it is a daily routine. No days off. We're going to try it for a month and see where we end up. Jae may even do it along with me. It's his way and I see some flaws in it. The yoga will have to have variation to continue to be effective, but for now I'll do the one he recommended. I have a few ideas about the diet too, but for once in my life I'm going to try very hard to keep my mouth shut, trust, and do what I'm told. Plus, the guidelines above can't really go wrong. It's all good stuff. We can optimize as we go.

I did try to start yesterday, though I was still a bit wobbly from my previous week of fasting. One thing I'm pretty happy about with this plan is that it is really low cal still, high nutrition, AND despite feeling like dinner last night was sooo much (it really wasn't but I felt like it was /sigh) I ran calories on it and I burned more calories during just my yoga workout than I took in at dinner. So I ended up going to sleep with a smile on my face.

I also woke up smiling. I hit the scale first thing and found I'd lost a pound since yesterday and was lighter than during my fast. Thank goodness! So that is making this easier too.

I'll probably average 1100-1500 calorie days.... god that looks scary to me. It's going to take some time to adjust to the thought. And workouts should burn around 700 - 900 cals per day. Also as I build muscle my resting calorie burn will go up too, which is good.

I guess I have to reevaluate what blogs to follow now and what not to. Kazehana, it's good to know you guys are trying to go healthy too. I'll keep reading yours and Piglet's. I've seen a few others that I passed up before. <3

My toddler is ordering breakfast and I have to hit up my yoga and then eat my own breakfast.

Gone Fishing...

2010-09-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

You guys were right. My husband really didn't know what he was saying. We had a few talks about it, some fights about it. I broke down and explained some of it. Hopes, fears, and laid out pretty much everything I'm into and dealing with about my weight, being skinny, having purged, fasting, what I do and where I'm headed.

The bottom line is he didn't want to push more starvation on me and would rather I do my best to try and go healthy. No binge or compulsive overeating, lots of exercise, and a healthy diet... lots of vegetables, low fat proteins, and whole food carbs (fruit) on rare occasion or in very small proportion. I'm going to try. I've never had the control to lose weight healthy. I'm going to give it my best effort now.

I'm not going to abandon my blog, this is my journey. It all started here, and I'll keep logging it here.

I'm going to have to stay off twitter and tumblr, and avoid pro-ana stuff in general. :( Still no judgments, and I still love you all. I'm going to have to focus really hard if I am going to make this healthy approach work without falling back into my ED. I'm a bit scared, but I feel a bit scared of everything these days.

Kazehana, my husband said most of the same thing you did. Between the two of you, I'm taking it to heart and will do the best I can to give it a shot.

I hope this works. Might not post for a while at first. This is going to be so hard for me.
<3<3 to you all. You've been my sanity. I love you.

My Husband Is So Insensitive! Cruel even!

2010-09-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

He wants a perfect wife. A trophy. 5 months ago he told me I am not his wife. I guess because I'm not the "me" that he wants. He complained that he has a fat wife. That shocked me into Ana. I would starve for him. He deserved the best right? I love him, I should at least give him that much. And if he doesn't appreciate me then, he doesn't deserve me. But maybe at this weight I deserve the truth. I'm fat.

I lost 20 lbs pretty much right away. Then I plateaued and slacked off. He was happier, so I was happier. But I'm not there. I'm nowhere near my best yet. So lately I've recommitted. I've been cutting cals aggressively, and now I'm fasting.

I've only eaten one meal and one snack in the last 5 days. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm a bit grumpy. Yes, my kitchen got messy. He doesn't know how dizzy I've been today. He has no idea. And I've slipped a bit at home, but I'm functional. I've taken the kids all over all week. I've cleaned the house, reorganized our room, kept things clean. I haven't complained.

Tonight he asked about dinner and I asked him to make it since I'm fasting today, am totally starving, and have been dizzy all day (on my feet in 100 degrees out with my daughter and some friends most of the day).

He says thanks alot. He goes in the kitchen and then calls me. It's messy. This is ridiculous.

I come to help him out. Straighten out some dishes, clear the counters.

He gets upset there's stuff cluttering the bar.

I tell him I am not doing that now. There is too much stuff, yes it's mine, but I will take care of that later.

He puts me on the spot about it because I'm fasting. I shouldn't be if I can't keep up.

I tell remind him he wanted me to lose weight. I'm working hard on it, but it's hard.

He says you're doing it wrong. You should do it my way.

I say that my way I could lose 20 lbs in a month. (Not that I should, just that I could.)

He presses. Oh yeah? Give me a date. Tell me when you'll be done. 20 lbs in a month? Let's write that down!

I say no! I have no intention of losing that much that fast. I said I'd cap my months at 15 lbs just so I don't get sick or something.

He presses me again. How much?? How soon??? What can you do? I'm sick of your bullshit. Tell me now and I'll write it down.

I said I don't know, I was planning to do what I'm doing. Find out what my limits are so I can fast then only eat as much as necessary and fast again but remain functional. I tell him I'd planned on losing 10 to 15 lbs a month.

So he writes on MY whiteboard that I jot my goals on by the refrigerator. He writes October 26 - 153 lbs and circles it huge and dark, messing up my notes around it.

I swear I almost had a panic attack. I can't help crying thinking about it now. That's such a cruel thing to do! Tell me I'm wrong! It's bad enough I am pushing myself so hard, but having him push a weight loss date on me too?? I can't take it!!

I freaked out. We got in a huge fight. Then he basically told me to go to my room. We fought about it some more. I told him I understand he's annoyed I've fallen behind and he wants to know how long he has to put up with it. He yells at me some more about all of it.

I tell him fine! I can starve completely! Take that shit off my board, I'll just stop eating for a month. I don't need to eat anything! You want me to fucking hunger strike all the way immediately?? I don't have to pace it for health reasons, lets fucking go for broke so you can be happy sooner!

He said fine and asked me if I would leave now. Back to my room. I didn't go. So he started putting his shoes on to leave. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Not tonight.

I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to explain to him what he was saying was doing to me. He had no clue how mean and awful what he said was for me and he didn't care. I cried on the bed and said I'd stay in the room. Then I realized all this started when I wouldn't make dinner and do the dishes. So I got up and told him he could get out of the kitchen. I'd handle it. Dizzy and all.

I made dinner.

I cleaned the kitchen.

I didn't eat a bite and I hadn't used a dish I washed.

Am I being ridiculous? I'm so tired. I can't tell now if I'm crying because of that or because it really was as bad as it all feels.

I felt like telling him about my purge a couple weeks ago. I felt like telling him to hurt him. Fuck I felt like throwing up too. Nothing in my stomach to throw up anyway though. I'm so stressed out. I feel like shit. What does he want from me? There are a lot of other things I do in my life I don't talk about here for anonymity's sake. Let's just say that in addition to being a stay-home mom with a toddler, I work full time from home, and take care of the house, kids, and everything, and am trying to lose all this weight... so much more. I don't even feel like typing it because I hate complaining. I love my life. It just hard. And this is hard. It's hardest knowing I never live up to his standards. Lately I'm doing things my way and it works so much better. It's hard, but it works!

I don't know what else to say. I feel lost right now. I hate him for picking that fight with me. And I hate myself for not just getting up immediately and making dinner and cleaning. BUT I know it was not ridiculous for me to ask him to do it. It's the weekend. If he was at work all day, I wouldn't have done that, but he's been laying around watching movies all day and eating while I've been on my FEET ALL DAY AND STARVING FOR HIM!!

/sigh

:(

Fuck you Drama Llama... go fuck around in someone else's life. I like my life drama-free.

Comments......

Anagirlella - Yup I love mine too. Just hard sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion too! <3

Kazehana - Thanks for the advice! I definitely try to stick to veggie juice. I've noticed the sugar rush from fruit juice makes me binge later. You know... I know you're right about the starving. If I develop a bit of willpower I may be able to find that healthy middle ground. I just don't have it right now and I need to get skinny fast as humanly possible. I'll always do my best though.

Sam - I missed u too! <3<3 I may try the egg thing. That's a good idea. Eating just makes me want to eat though. Still, I may give that a shot... like 1 whole egg and 1 egg white or something.

Thx all u guys! <3

Fasting Update

2010-09-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

I've been fasting since 10 pm 9/21/10. Today is day 4.

Yesterday (day 3) I had a hard time remaining functional on mostly water and tea like the other days. I know in a true water fast you're supposed to be able to be still, rest, take some time off. I haven't been able to. I had to take my kids places, run errands, go to the pool, etc. I was also trying to exercise a bit days 1 and 2. So yesterday I was feeling a bit weak in my muscles and was starting to get a bit dizzy. It was about to become really unsafe for me to drive. Tried hanging out with friends last night but had to come home around 8 because I was too worn out and the world was swimming.

So last night I did break my fast a bit to eat something to keep me going. I didn't binge at all though. I'm very happy about that.

I had hot portobello broth with bean thread noodles over raw mushroom, onion, and celery with a bit of dry chicken noodle soup mix to make it taste better. Turned out around 408 calories. Kinda more than I wanted. Then before bed wasn't feeling better, so I decided to try and get some protein too and had 2 Morning Star Farms vegetarian sausage patties. 80 cals each.

At the end of the day yesterday I ate about 570 cals. Hmmm... Not thrilled with it. I should have stuck to my plan. I will continue fasting to October 1st though, and I'll add a bit of fruit juice into the equation if I have to. I was doing mostly water, maybe to be active I need to do more juice. The thing about fruit juice though is that there are so many cals, I'd be getting less if I was just freaking eating. :P Bah. I dunno.

Whatever. My world. My fast. My rules. Plus, this is something I am saying I'm going to do until October 1st, but really I'm going to do this as long as I can. Possibly to my goal weight. I want to find that sweet spot where I can continue to function but nearly never eat. Maybe like this, fast 3 days, eat 1 meal, then fast 3 days again. Who knows. I'm enjoying finding my limits. Exploring my body's abilities is fun and feels a bit like yoga. Body play, seeing what feels good, what hurts, and why... where is my breath and focus? I'm having a good time. Why stop?

The only down side is that I've only lost 1 lb. so far. Boo. I want it to come off faster. But I won't reevaluate that until at least this 10 day fast is done.

One adjustment I am going to make now is adding Carnitine back into my day. I think it may have made a big difference last time.

Fuck I can't get a minute to write this. my day is fucking starting off bad. I can't get a minute to think fucking reflect and figure my shit out! Unbelievable. I have like 3 people interrupting. All I want in my morning is to be able to wake up, stretch out a bit, get my calorie restriction head on straight, and check my email. No email for me this morning. I was lucky to have 5 minutes to write this much. FML

/sigh

love you all

Whatever Works as Long As I'm Fasting

2010-09-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to fire off this post with the last one back-to-back, but life got in the way. Phone calls bah.

I was talking about thinspo, motivating inspo, and needing to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Well the unfortunate thing is that I am having a hard time remembering how skinny feels. Sometimes it feels so far away. And when the self loathing comes into play, I don't feel very good about myself for being where I am, even though I've come quite a way.

I've tried to find the thing that really does taste better to me than food. The promise I am dying on the inside for more than any other... and I found it. I want to move back home to Hawaii. I've touched on that in recent posts I think. Anyway, for me personally, NOTHING tastes as good as Maui feels. Not a goddamn thing. And that's not just words for me. I know that feeling well.

I experimented with my new lunacy. I'd look at food and to eat it, it would have to pass the test. Does it taste better than Maui feels? And it was easy... no. No it does not. So I didn't eat it. So simple! So clear! So completely disjointed and nonsensical but for some reason crystal fucking clear.

Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to reset my goals and when I reach the predesignated weight, I'm moving back to Hawaii. THAT is motivating. That is something I can keep my eye on.

I told my husband but he shot it down immediately. Later on I explained to him that I understand one thing has nothing to do with the other, but that I need a really powerful carrot in front of my nose to keep me motivated. There is nothing more powerful than that right now. I have many things I want, so right now there is nothing I want as much as moving home to Hawaii. I hope he understands at least that much.

So this is what I was getting at in my last post. Those of us who go up and down and back and forth...maybe we need something even more motivating than thinness. Something we crave even deeper in our lives. A promise we know we should make to ourselves that we are deeply aching for but don't make.

That is my new approach.
I'm promising myself my deepest wish as my reward for getting to 130 lbs.

I fasted yesterday and it was so easy. Never been easier. I didn't have to find solace in my hunger. I didn't even have to think about food. With eating/starving/cal counting, the trouble is you're always thinking about food, one way or another. This way, my mind even went off of food and on to my other desire as a substitute. I even worked out so happily. The clarity of my goal is something tangible for me now, and I feel highly motivated!

Back to my husband, he can't move quickly. Probably not anyway. So instead of having a 10 lb weight loss goal, I moved it to 33. And if I can get there, I've earned my ticket. Plus that gives him a little time to figure out if he can actually move.

Now the problem is, I feel tempted to just fast to 130 lol but I know that would be bad. I am so motivated, I swear I could do it. But for health reasons, I decided to cap my weight loss at 15 lbs per month. If I get 15 lbs down, I switch to maintaining, and don't go back to fasting or aggressive restriction until the next month. If I do manage to lose that much monthly, it will only be 2 months to my goal anyway, which sounds fucking great to me! XD My husband should know what he's doing by December I think. It all works out nicely.

Nothing tastes this good:

xox <3
-=Elle

Thinspo vs Inspo

2010-09-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

We aren't thin enough, so we're unhappy with ourselves. We self loathe to varying degrees individually and for widely varying reasons which includes our weight either as the cause or symptom of our other misery. We often try to harm ourselves through both eating and starving.

This is a problem.

If you really want to be thin, the self-destructive stuff is usually really counter productive. And if you want to be thin and beautiful, there is even less room for self-destructive error. So which is it? Do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to be thin and beautiful?

I'm pretty sure you can't have it. You can't do both. Do you want to hurt yourself, or do you want to be beautiful? Priorities people! ;)

I'm finding in my own life the thinspo is good. It keeps my eye on the ball and reminds me of what my goal is. But it leaves room for self harm that ends up working against me a bit in the long run. How do I balance it all?

lol Honestly, I just want to find the answer. I'm a whore of my own wish to be thin. I'll do anything I'm told for that dolla bill. Tell me I need to be healthy, I'll be healthy (tried that and it didn't work fast enough). Tell me I need to suffer and starve, fine... I'm in there. Either way, I know I have to kill my life long compulsive eating disorder, at least that much is clear. But as to how? I'm not partial. If I believed ritual sacrifice of chickens on a voodoo alter would do it, I'd be raiding the farms every weekend.

I think what has come into play for me recently is that while thinspo is fine, I need it to stay on track... and I looooove it (izz so sexyy, I laaahv eet!).

But..

but...

BUT due to my own self destructive tendencies, this on it's own isn't enough for me. I'm a bit inconsistent. I moved strong when things were bad with my husband and I 20 pounds ago, but now things are better and the strife has faded, so it isn't as motivating as it was. My own internal fight is enough for me to maintain weight easily enough, but not drastically lose. It seems I need "inspo" beyond thinspo.

Results are addicting thinspo.
Emotional anguish is an effective inspo, but hopefully not sustaining.

I've been looking for a more potent form of inspo to work into my thinspo, and I think I finally found it. Maybe our goals need to be greater. Maybe we need a 0 cal carrot to dangle in front of our face that we want more than anything... something we can do but don't. The kind of promise we keep to ourselves. I think I found mine. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy hyper today! I'm so excited! But that is another post...

xox

The Journal's New Clothes

2010-09-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

I felt like I needed to pull away the darkness. The liquid is more comforting. I really do love the ocean. I've lived away from it for too long. Any water is good enough, but especially the ocean. I'm really a simple creature. I need access to high ground. I need to see greenery. I need to hear water or see it somewhere within a reasonable distance. I want to grow things, and glow in the sun. I enjoy feeling air moving around me, whispering in my ear. And I'm absolutely delighted if a storm will howl or shout at me from time to time. It is not a metaphor or some idealistic imagery, I DO fucking dance in the rain. Yes I do. I'm one of the wild children that the older family members think of as unruly, unpredictable, and insane... maybe even a shame. Knowing their standards and lifestyle, I'm thankful for that. I won't ever grow up entirely. I think they're jealous... maybe insulted too at the inkling in the back of their mind that they got duped, and maybe they never had to grow up either. Someone sold them a line and they believed it.

It always amazes me how impressionable we are. We do believe life is like TV and Movies tell us. We do mold ourselves after the fiction. The cycle is self perpetuating too. The imaginative created the entertainment, then the people believed it, then the imaginative who believed it create even more sensationalized entertainment, and then the people again believe it. Its an ever rising spiral of neurosis. I'd love to say I opt out, but I'm a product too. However, I'm a very contrariwise product... destructive to what this cycle builds. I stand in defiance of it in as many ways as I can. I'd set it all aflame if I could. :) And I'd smile the whole time.

I actually don't have TV anymore. Haven't had cable in 7 years or more. I do seek out select movies and television, tending to power-watch scifi and some drama... with the occasional anime binge. My pop culture connections are pretty weak though. I immerse myself in fashion, and pop in and out of involvement with the inside of the entertainment world. I do prefer what is behind the scenes... what is real. It's more interesting to me than the product it turns out. Maybe we all feel that way and that's why reality shows are so popular. Hmmm...

Sorry that I'm babbling. I felt like posting something non-ED related. Probably because this Hawaii thing is on my mind. Really, since I've moved away, I've felt like a disembodied head... floating around like a space ship, looking out on a life that isn't really mine. And since I didn't really want to keep any of it (outside of my family and friends), I have been really noncommital to it all. Neither here nor there... half-assed even... Which is no way to live. And now the idea of going back is completely consuming.

I just realized something. I'm more obsessed with this than I am with food/restricting. :))))) I'm excited! (btw that was lots of smiles, not double chins XP) Maybe I'll stop eating until I can move. hehehehe XD I should know by the end of the month. How many days is that? Ooh 8! That would be a long fast. Maybe.... lol Ok now I feel like I sound crazy. But I love it. I know it makes no sense, but to me it does. Like fasting until the end of the month is some kind of ritual offering. Like maybe I'll get what I want if I suffer for it. And the concept is completely thrilling to me. Yessssssssss.... I did want to make sure I was at least a bit thinner for a thing I have this weekend, but this Fasting for Hawaii thing is even more thrilling. (dunno if you remember but I tried a fasting for tahiti a while back but ended up not giving a fuck. cancelled tahiti anyway. I'd rather move to hawaii than visit tahiti.)

Well I have to go. Time to get my Yoga on. <3

Love to all! Stay strong out there and keep after your goals! xox

Lifted Fog & Smiling Seas

2010-09-21T17:01:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling better now. Funny how everything changes when the hormonal nonsense goes away. I feel completely stable. I'm not worried about the purge anymore and think it's a bit silly I ever was. I haven't binged in 5 days that I can remember. I've decided to start taking notes on how long I can go without binging. Since it's just a small update, I'll put it up on my tumblr/twitter. Somehow looking at that number as a high score makes me feel more driven not to slip and binge.

I've been using the hell out of my new juicer. I've also had more compliments about my weight and looks. That's good. I'm starting to feel old, I better look smokin hot. And I don't yet, but I will.

I've looked into therapists nearby. I still, hormonal or not, don't really feel like talking to a therapist. Especially about anything that matters. I'm introspective, well-read, and intelligent. I seriously doubt they'll be able to tell me anything I don't know better for myself already. And if I already know and am not doing it, I probably don't want to. In that case, they won't be able to get me to and we'll be wasting each other's time... only they'll be getting paid to have their time wasted.

Bottom line: I DONT WANNA.

I DO want to move. I want to move back to Hawaii, and I want to do it now. I hate waiting. I want to wake up every morning and go do yoga all alone on the beach, listening to the waves tumble across the sand.
I want to not be interested in eating because the beauty outside is so much more enticing than food. And if I am hungry, I want to pick something off a tree, eat it, and go on about my day. The hell with refrigerators and restaurants! I want to hike and dance and play and garden and swim. I want to chill with friends and talk over cups of anti-oxidant tea and summer rolls and talk about fun recipes for making home made facials and how great it makes our skin feel.
I want to go out on fishing boats with my friends and be tossed around by the ocean. I want to disappear into the jungles, pastures, and valleys whenever I feel moved to. I want to immerse myself into photography again, because the Hawaiian islands are the most beautiful supermodels in the world. Not to mention some of the most breathtaking thinspo....

Can you tell? I want to go home. My soul is there. I was never fat there. My thinness stayed there when I left. The emptiness it left in my heart has been filled by the round, soft, doughiness of the "mainland"... California thinks its a healthy state. Hawaii could teach it a thing or two.

Maybe soon. Maybe soon I can go home and stay there.

Alligator Tears...

2010-09-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

The story of the Mia girl Alita totally made me cry. The part that was a normal day in her life. I've watched this whole show so far without getting very bothered or emotional until now. Her day... her eating... omg :( X( the binge... That is the closest thing I've seen to how I have eaten much of my life. I didn't do the purge. I don't except for the one time. But the eating..... /cry I feel so sick and sad right now. That eating, the lack of control. That's what I'm fighting. 6 plates of food! Go watch that part... watch it if you want to know me. :( Not the purging, just the eating.

That is why the purging scares me. That is why the fact that I even did it once is freaking me out now. Because giving into the binge/purge cycle for me worse than anything would be giving into the binge. The binge that has ruled my life, taken my thinness from me, and brought me here.

I'm sorrry. I'm totally having a breakdown right now. fucking hell..... THAT is why I am trying so hard to thrive on the control of Ana vs Mia. THAT is why. Because Ana, I might get thin and survive, but Mia is something that I know for a fact would kill me. jesus.... I'm afraid to go back and finish watching this thing. Even more so because I had no idea I'd react so strongly. Something here is connecting a lot deeper than I thought. More layers, more layers. Who knows where I'll end up when it's all peeled away..... I hate surprises.

In Dreams

2010-09-16T08:31:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamt of a drawing I did a long time ago. It was of a nude woman, about a 6 on the fat skinny spectrum... with fat and curves, but beautiful. She was the concept of a real woman... just drawn in oil pastel and I piece of cardboard.

In my dream someone pulled the picture out and said how amazing the was and that I should do more art work. I said I'd like to paint, but I'm not good at it. Then I went into a room in my house that was a beautiful art studio. Part of the room was a chalk board for sketching on. I sat on a couch near a drafting table and the chalk board came to life with drawings like I tend to draw. They were crappy, but clearly in my style. Then they evolved and as they did I saw how. Greater detail, shadows, and how they were born... the strokes that made them. And in the dream I understood how I could do this. I could transform my style of art into something more whole and good, with talent. The evolution of the art before my eyes showed me the tremendous potential in what I've so far been capable of doing, and what it could become.

Then one of my kids woke me up to ask me something. Bah.

I feel like painting. I tend to paint female body figures and beautiful women. A lot of the time I try to capture how I feel I'd look if my body was a product of my "soul".

-= Comments =-

@Kazehana
That makes a lot of sense. The center and being centered. Easier said than done isn't it? But I am very interested in that concept. I agree completely, any of these things in excess are destroyers, and things kept in balance are healthy and encourage life.

I probably do have that condition. I wish I could fix it. I have made a hell of an eating competition opponent... :( Since I've been here and nurturing my hunger, my stomach has shrunk somewhat, so the pain comes sooner now. That's helpful. But the month or so I slacked off, even though I wasn't too bad, it stretched out pretty quickly again and I could almost go back to my old portions. So I can't do that anymore. I have to continue keeping close to my hunger.

Comments - Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

2010-09-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to make this a full post, but it was too long to put in the comments. Boo. :P
So here it is as a post in reply to Kazehana's comment.

Anyone wondering what I'm talking about can reference the post
Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis and it's comments.

First, I want to say that I'm glad you did post it. I'm not made of glass, and I've read your blog long enough to regard you as in intelligent person who doesn't tend to talk out your ass. Basically, I really appreciate your input.

I agree most with what you said about the act of purging being personal and individual. In fact, all of this is very personal and individual. No one I know in this community has a perfectly identical eating disorder as anyone else in cause and manifestation. There are similarities, but it's the drives, goals, feelings, and stigma that binds us, not a carbon copy of habits. Which is also why none of us should judge the others, and why I don't. We're all broken and beautiful in different ways, and we're all lost in it to some degree.

If it sounds like I look down my nose at Mia, I don't mean it as the Mia that others know so much as I DO honestly look down my nose at the part Mia could play in MY life. Not yours. Further, my foodlust and binging has nothing to do with starving and never has. My ED is growingly multifaceted but it stems from a particular issue I've had since childhood. I can't feel full. I never do. Not until I've overeaten to the point of discomfort do I get the message that I've had enough. The only reason I'm not hundreds of lbs heavier is because WHAT I eat tends to be healthy. By the time I was 7 I ate more than my father at every meal by about twice. That is my sickness. In my mind "hunger" is any time I think of food, and "full" is when I need a nap or to lay down, distended and stuffed. My foodlust is the biggest part of my ED, starvation or not.

Believe me when I say, I'm not judging you or anyone else. I'm judging or parsing all this as it applies to me, struggling to figure out where the hell I am and what the hell is happening. I want to know. I need to stay ahead of it all if I can so that I can guide my changes more than be surprise attacked and destroyed by them. I know it's a very fine line. For me, anything that allows me to binge falls in the "negative pile" and anything that helps me control my constant binge impulse goes happily into the "positive pile"... as it relates to me. As purging goes, I don't want that habit. Combined with my original problems, anything that helps me justify a binge is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't feel full no matter what, but I've found I do feel hungry sometimes. Hunger is my guiding light. As long as I stay close to my hunger, I know I didn't overeat. I couldn't have. I'm learning that after a couple bites, not hungry = full, and then I just don't eat again until the next time I'm hungry.

I appreciate you are much more experienced and educated where Mia is concerned, and again, I really do appreciate your post. I have to tell you though, I'm new to all this and scared as hell. I never even put a name to any of it before this year. I'm living, doing, evolving, and self educating. I haven't been diagnosed, but I don't want to be. I'm not in denial, but I am in hiding. Anyone who knows me knows all about my eating. The starving though, I have to keep a secret. One of my friends made a joke about putting anything in front of me during dinner to "make sure it disappears" tonight. He hasn't even noticed I don't eat like that anymore. My reputation is so solid... :( It actually made me upset. I don't really want to think about it. Anyway, I'm a bit freaked out in all this. Really freaked out actually. So please don't take my posts personally. It's my journal. I'm finding my way out loud. I'm glad you're part of it though. Thanks again.

I Nearly Quit... I was almost gone

2010-09-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a bit of a crisis. I think it came from admitting my yucky hotdog purge experiment to my sister. My thoughts were racing. My introspection alarms were ringing out of control. The reason is that if someone else told me they'd done that, I'd be worried as fuck. I'd say, "No, no, this is probably not a one time thing. This obsession with weight, eating and play with eating disorders is growing and getting out of control." If it were my sister, I'd be up and losing sleep over it. Of course that's just me. I guess weight isn't all I obsess over.

I did a self assessment in my brain, which is also just me. I can't help it. I always analyze myself. Am I ok? Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I heading for problems? Are my darker impulses puttimg me somewhere I may regret? Is there something I'm not seeing? I have been this way since I was a kid. My dad always accused me of crazy shit. I couldn't always tell right away if he was right or not, he was so convincing and driven to brainwash me that I was behaving or thinking a certain way. He couldn't know, but if I looked deeply into myself I could go where he couldn't and find out the truth. That may be my deepest obsession of all and the real sum of my life until the day I die... the search for the truth.

Anyway, back to me assessing me.... Objectively I got worried too. I thought maybe I should get as far away from this world as I could. Maybe I should run. Forbid myself from reading any more bodily perfection blogs. Denounce anything and everything Ana or Mia. BAIL. Yes, that's what I'd do. I treasure everyone and judge no one, but maybe I'm hurting myself worse by letting this world become so familiar. Maybe the old me would never have thought of putting my fingers down my throat that day. Maybe that was it.

But...

BUT...

This morning I got out of bed and stepped on the scale. Fasting and restriction since Saturday, and yes the purge too had gotten me down about 3 lbs. lighter. I smiled. Nothing feels that good to me. Heaven. And I could just picture dropping another 4 lbs to get back into the 150's. I mean come on, I haven't been under 160 for about 10 years! Do you know how good that would feel?? Some of you do. Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I immediately turned against any idea of going away. No way in hell. I fasted yesterday. That scale just made me want to fast again! I didn't exactly... I'm around 500 cals into my day. But it doesn't matter, fasting or daily limits of 800 or less are amazing! I'm not going anywhere.

Introspectively, I am also not a very impressionable person. I'm not a follower. I didn't come here to follow. I came here because when I first read these blogs I cried out of happiness because there were other people who knew how I was feeling and for all our billions of unique reasons, we had a lot of similarities too. As so many have said, you can't teach an eating disorder. Plus, starving is impossible for anyone who isn't completely driven to do it. If it was easy to get to this state, everyone would do it and the diet companies would be bankrupt. This is the hard way, not the easy way... but it works.

As for Mia. I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider that I can erase poor choices of food by the press of an esophageal button. It's a dirty lie, and even if it was true, it wouldn't be worth it. The consequences are painful, permanent, and unattractive.

I AM extreme. I can't help it, that's who I am. But I'm going to dodge as many lose/lose situations as I can and as I always have.

The whole point is to come out on the other side of all this sexy and awesome. The envy of most. That is what my husband wanted. That is what set this all into motion. That's how I always saw myself anyway. It's where I need to go. So I'm staying. I'm right here with you as I've always been. Struggling... on this rollercoaster... speeding along through life with you all... trying not to crash.

Today's choice, I decided to eat lunch, but I did right by myself.

Lettuce, cucumber, carrot, salmon, and avocado in a rice wrapper.

Raw, whole food. Optimal calorie/nutrition ratio. This is good for me. This will kill future binges before they start. This is control. :) And it makes me happy to know I did something right, good, and I can keep watching that number on the scale drop.

Let's do this! Skinny here we come!

The Body Spectrum: Too Fat to Too Thin

2010-09-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

The spectrum of weight... where do I want to be? Here's the scale from 10 to 0 in photo form:

10.
9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

0.

Right now I'm between 7 and 6... at least I am when you look at my tummy. I'm taller, but I gain in the middle, so if I have ANY fat, I have no curves... unlike girl 5 who despite being a bit heavy has a nice shape. I don't look like girl 5 until around 140 lbs. and I've never looked like girl 4. At 128, I was that skinny, but had no muscle and a bit of pudge in the tummy area.

I think I'd like to be anywhere from girl 5 to girl 3, but I'd NEVER want to be skinnier than girl 3. I think 4 would be ideal.

Flashback

2010-09-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

I was just looking back at the first month of this blog. Wow I posted a lot. It was a dark and shady time but at least my path was clear... and my hormonal issues were milder. I'm not sure I can do all this anymore.

I obsess because it is the only way I know how to focus and be effective. But when I obsess I neglect other important parts of my life. Obsessing about starving myself isn't healthy. I know that, and you know that. We're not here to be healthy though. We're here to be skinny. Even the best of us prioritize skinny first, and healthy second... if at all.

/sigh

I told my sister Mei about the purge. I really didn't want to, but I refuse to start keeping secrets. Secrets, shame, and bottling things up in dark places are where the real problems begin. I don't need any more problems. In the event I might stop being honest with myself, I need some people I can trust to be honest with, because I know they'll be honest with me. The purge on Sunday was unfortunate, it was an experiment, it worked but it was awful, and I do not want it to become a gateway to something terrible. I know it could be. The sanest part of my brain says that experimentation is fine. It is good to know how to do things in case you need to, even vomitting. It is good to know where the bleeding edge of things is. Know your limits. But that doesn't mean you should live there.

This seems to be an evolution of my outlook in general. I wanted to transform my eating disorder or trade it for a new one. I didn't want to compound it. I've found myself on a slippery fucking slope. I don't have a problem with this yet, but I could see it heading that way. I need to figure out where I am and stay ahead of all this so I can be beautiful. Illness does not make you pretty, it makes you sick. I don't want to be sick and skinny, I want to be lean, elegant and glowing. Sexy as hell bitches!

I need to pull up. I don't want to crash.

I need to do an overhaul here. I felt so safe here in pro-ana land and now I feel lost in it too. I am still grateful to all of you... all the readers... all the bloggers. I love you all and feel closer to you than ever. I'm just not sure about the labels. I don't know if I'm pro-anything... I'm just me.

I think I'm going to update this blog, minus the Ana, and then go play some Sims 3 or watch anime until my husband comes home. :/

I just feel so lost at sea...

Introspective Fasting Day : Mia/Ana Crisis

2010-09-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

Fasting today with some fellow ana twitterbugs. It feels good. I'm such a food whore. Every time my mind wanders for 5 min it's to food. I'm not hungry though, not tired. I feel great actually! So what's with the foodlust? I hate that. I hate being a slave to habit. I agree with eating to live and being healthy, but I also think being a slave to habit takes away your control and is a mental illness. I really think that until I only eat because I am actually hungry, I don't deserve to eat. I am going to reprogram myself if it's the last thing I do. Fuck you Ed(nos), you prick!

One thing that has kept me very controlled today has been the purge on Sunday. I still really dislike that it came to that. Why didn't I have the control to not put that awful shit in my body in the first place? It wasn't a binge, it was just a bad choice. But I knew it too! And I let myself eat it, and let myself get sick, and now made me wonder if I'm justifying what might be a developing path to Mia. These fears make fasting much easier. My lack of discipline set me up with a really bad day, so I'm very determined to let it never happen again. I love Ana because she is pristine, she is clean, and her views on food balance habits. I am not anorexic. I don't like Mia. She disgusts me a bit as she represents everything dirty that Ana does not. Mia loses control, Mia binges, Mia has vomit on her breath and scars on her knuckles... she is both the crime and the punishment.

What's funny is, I think at this point my ed falls into the Mia category... officially.

Check out the definitions:

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image which may be maintained by various cognitive biases that alter how the affected individual evaluates and thinks about their body, food and eating.
Anorexia (deriving from the Greek "α(ν)-" (a(n)-, a prefix that denotes absence) + "όρεξη" (orexe) = appetite) is the decreased sensation of appetite. While the term in non-scientific publications is often used interchangeably with anorexia nervosa, many possible causes exist for a decreased appetite, some of which may be harmless, while others indicate a serious clinical condition, or pose a significant risk.

VS

Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviors. The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common.
The word bulimia derives from the Latin (būlīmia), which originally comes from the Greek βουλιμία (boulīmia; ravenous hunger), a compound of βους (bous), ox + λιμός (līmos), hunger.

Ok.... First, I'm not underweight. In fact, I have no intention of becoming under anything I consider underweight for my body. I think at 5'10" anything under 120 would be unhealthy for me. I have no plans to go under 120 ever. Second, as far as I know, I don't have any worse dysmorphic disorder or irrational body image than any other woman does. (Most women do think they look somewhat fatter than they actually do. Men tend to think they look thinner.)

What I DO is yes, I fast to lose weight, take diet pills, and diuretics... and I do this because in the past I binged on a regular basis. I've used the concept of Ana the Goddess of Purity and Control to curb my binging. And though I've only purged once, it would seem that I fall way farther into the Mia category than the Ana one. Apparently one does not have to purge regularly or at all to be bulimic.

Interesting. :P Not sure how I feel about all this. If I've fallen into Mia, according to those definitions, it isn't the first time. It's actually gone this way about 3 times in my life for a year or so at a time. This time I swear I will ride it to my goal. This time will be different because I will defeat the ugly side of Mia... the binges.

But where does this all leave me? I thought I was pro-ana. Am I? I'm not pro-mia, but I guess I've woken up in the arms of Mia and apparently I've been here for longer than I thought.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

/sigh.

Well no matter what I am, I'm happy in this community. And even if I'm Mia and not Ana, I'm not changing my fucking name again because I've done it too goddamn much! hehehe :) Plus Mia Banana sounds like shit.

At the end of the day, I'm just Elle anyway. And hopefully by the end of this journey I'll be Elle skinny. Maybe then I'll change my name again. Maybe by then I'll have earned it.

Took a Tumbl(r)

2010-09-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

As requested, here's the linky to my tumblr... http://elleanab.tumblr.com

Big posts will still go here, but lil ones, twitter stuff, and even links from the Pirate Journal will funnel in over there.

My Pirate Journal will always be here to keep track of all the Ed/Ana tales, plans, and toils. :) Like I said before. This is where it all began and I'm the loyal sort.

Secrets & The New Food Plan

2010-09-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

First, I have a secret. Hmmm... I don't really want to talk about it but it all started here, so... ugh. I'm pro-ana because I believe in extreme calorie restriction. I think it can be healthy, as is being skinny. It is proven to extend life, and our bodies developed specifically to exist in those circumstances. I am not pro-mia. I don't judge, but I do not think there is anything healthy about purging.

Yesterday I ate something really gross. Nasty hot dogs... about one and a half of them. They upset my stomach. Knowing they were about 400 cals total... maybe 500 made me even sicker. I purged. I couldn't help it. There I said it.

I felt much better afterward. Got rid of at least half of it. As a punishment for purging I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day except water and tea. I really don't think this will become a habit. And I do kinda think I was better of not having that garbage in my body for many reasons. Hot dogs are such dirty food. >P I'm not volunteering this little story to anyone I know though. I'm not really embarrassed, but I think they'd freak out and I don't want to deal with it. I'm definitely a bit uncomfortable with where this puts my eating disorder(s). I guess all this is a really slippery slope.

Which is why I'm going to get very strict on eating healthy!

Healthy! Extreme calorie restriction! High nutrition foods! Low fat protein! No chemicals!

I'm getting a salad shooter, and a whole bunch of Pacific Natural Foods organic soups. The idea is to use the lowest cal soups like the Mushroom Broth and French Onion Soup (5 cals/cup and 30 cals/cup), heat a cup or two of broth and pour the hot soup over raw shredded veggie combos of maybe carrots, spinach, chard, mushrooms, zucchini, and soy meats. It will be nutritious but super low cal, and will also get me back on track with the raw eating lifestyle since the veggies will be heated but not cooked. That will be lunch. Breakfast will be either nothing or maybe two boiled eggs and only eat one of the yolks, or a 100% raw smoothie. Dinners will be raw veggie salads or slaws dressed with lemon juice and salt, or a mustard dressing, or if I can take the cals I'll make a dressing out of avocado. Maybe a side of grilled fish with dinner too.

Lots of tea! Lots of water! Mmm... I've really been into hot water with a squeeze of lemon juice lately.

That's the game plan! Yar!!! I've done it before, I can do it again. Throw in a couple fasts here and there and I'm golden.

Oh! I also got a new juicer. My old one sucked. So I can to veggie juice fasts. I really like cabbage juice. I don't know a lot of juicing recipes so I got a recipe book to go with it. I know, big spender, but I think it will help me get back on track. I need that. I've lost 20 lbs. Now I need to do it again. I've spent a year 80% raw or more, and I need to do that again too. AND I ONCE GOT DOWN TO 128lbs SO LETS THROW THAT IN THERE TOO!

These are not foreign lands and strange goals! It is all familiar territory! If I can get a grip on myself I can do it, and do it well and healthy. Oh boy. Ok... now to brave dinner with the family and try not to eat it. ;)

hearts to all!
xox

Said I'd Read...

2010-09-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well I did. And that was pathetic. To those of you who have posted in the last week, YAY! I love you! To everyone else, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

A couple disappeared, a few got lazy, some went into recovery, and Scarlet moved over to tumblr (http://thinneverland.tumblr.com/).

Bah, I say! BAH!

Twitter is super active. Tumblr is alive and well. But Blogger is taking a crap nap.

I'm not happy about this. I'm not leaving either... but since tumblr and twitter are so well integrated and I spend so much time on twitter, I'm gonna make me a tumblr thing too. If any of you have bloggies over there, let me know so I can follows them. ;)

<3

P.S. I'd never leave this blog. Not until my work here is done anyway. This is where it all began for me. It's all here. And I'm a very loyal sort. :) xox

Tara Firmer: Slim Calm Sexy and... I rant.

2010-09-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Tara Stiles, Tara Stiles, Tara Stiles!!!!

I heart her so much. Really. I do. I now have bought:

Elle Make Better Series: Elle Workout Yoga
It stars Brooklyn Decker, but the yoga workouts are led and taught by Tara Stiles.

Slim Calm Sexy
Tara's book, which I love so much because it is fabulous thinspo. The best! I like yoga, I do have better books for starting a yoga practice, but they don't even come close as any kind of thinspo. This is page after page of beautiful skinniness!!

Yoga Anywhere: The New York Sessions
I just bought this dvd and it is on it's way! I think it gets here Tuesday! XD XD

I still don't have any more info on diet from her, but in one blog quote she does say this:

"Yoga puts us back in touch with our bodies' needs and equips us with the tools we already have: the intuition and awareness to nourish our bodies properly with wholesome, healthy foods. Yoga doesn't show us how to starve ourselves. That is a terrible disorder, as terrible as overeating." - Tara Stiles

The previous paragraph was much longer, mainly talking about how bad it is to over eat and eat poorly. I like that she puts starving and overeating in the same category. THANK YOU! I hate that overeating tends to go ignored while extreme restriction gets all the gasps and sad glances. Sickness is sickness. Unhealthy is unhealthy, and there are a lot more unhealthy FAT bodies in this country than there are unhealthy skinny ones.

Am I obsessed with being skinny? YES! Do I get so upset with myself that I want to or actually do hurt myself sometimes? Yes. Do I use food or the lack of it as a weapon sometimes? Yes I do. I confess. HOWEVER... I would prefer to be healthy and skinny. Am I sick? Do I want to be ill? NO! I want to be thin to be sexy, to be beautiful, to be happy with myself, to reflect well on those who love me. I will get to thin however I can. I am ok with hurting myself to get there, but obviously I'd rather not. I'd rather get there in a way that helps me feel good, not sickly and pathetic. There is no win if you can't enjoy the win.

I guess my point is, yes, I have some issues. The things I do aren't the most healthy, but they also aren't the most sickly. If people have an issue with my ED's or how I cope with them, let a truly healthy person throw the first stone. Most often I see the crap being flung from overweight and even morbidly obese people, and I have no patience for it. They are so much worse than anything I'm doing or dealing with. I'm not in the real starvation danger zone. Not as long as there is muscle and fat on my body and I eat leafy fucking greens. They, on the other hand, ARE in the danger zone! They are in line for stroke, heart attack, diabetes, some cancers, and all kinds of awful stuff, just waiting for their number to be up! So there! :P

hehe Sorry, I get a little heated. Grrr... ;)

-= Comments =-

Gila - You're welcome for the other Tara Stiles post. :) I've been having fun working out to the online vids too. They really do get you sweating! I didn't expect it from yoga, but her kinda of yoga is pretty active and continuous. I love it!

Reading You Today

2010-09-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I love reading the blogs of my sisters in Ana. Lately I haven't had much time to do it. I don't know about you, but sticking together and thinking of you guys helps me keep the binges away. I also self-loathe less. :) Because I love you guys and we have so many similarities, I think the love spills back over to loving me more too.

A quick state of my life comment: I've been visiting family, they feed me too much, I binged, makes me hate life, I can't wait to get out of here... though I do love the family. I want to get a good fast going. I also have a bunch of new products up my sleeve I've learned about here. One of my relatives is a wealth of skinny info. :)

Ok, I'm off to read.

Comments:

Kazehana - Thanks! That was sweet. There really is no problem with the comments. That was kinda the point. When I'm in my hormone freak-out mode every silly, non-existent problem can be the end of the world. I'm glad I can at least tell, and then self-correct.

Everyone is a Mess/PMDD Post

2010-09-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

I have PMDD... anyone else?

PMDD is PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. To say it is like PMS on steroids would be a gross understatement. It's bad. Real bad. Kind of like a lunar cyclical bipolarism.

Wikipedia, bring us the symptom and diagnosis list...

The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include

feelings of deep sadness or despair, possible suicide ideation
feelings of tension or anxiety
increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
panic attacks
mood swings, crying
lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts. Typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
difficulty concentrating
fatigue
food cravings or binge eating
insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
feeling overwhelmed or "out of control"
increase or decrease in sex drive
increased need for emotional closeness
physical symptoms: bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose

Other symptoms that are common and more specific to PMDD include:

physical symptoms such as breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscle pain.
an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.

Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the 2 weeks before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.

....thanks Wikipedia.

The red ones are the ones I commonly get during that hellacious two weeks. Actually, they're missing paranoia.

I am in the thick of my PMDD right now. I was actually feeling sad today that my blog hasn't had more comments and that it used to before, and maybe people here in the Ana community hate me now. Yes, I know thats not true. /sigh I thank my lucky stars I've been tracking my PMDD for a while (years now) and I know what it sounds like. The sane part of my brain recognizes the crazy part a bit better these days. It's taken a ton of practice to get to this point. I wanted to mention all of it though because it could be a possible reason some of you guys also have binge eating issues or relationship problems or who knows how many other personality issues we all struggle with.

Try to be mindful of your freakouts and see if they tend to fall into that 2 week window before your period.

I had no idea of any of this for the longest time. Every month is like a bipolar rollercoaster. 2 weeks sane, then 2 weeks crazy as fuck.

I don't know how many of you may have PMDD too, but I have noticed that the ProAna bloggy world is a little quiet and crabby right now... ok maybe worse... like off their game and miserable as fuck.

Glad to know I'm not the only one, but still sorry everyone is going through it.

<3
Elle Ana Banana

Tara Foods Low-Cal-nalysis

2010-09-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Kazehana wanted to know how I got a 600-700 cal day from looking at Tara's food.

"wait, what? how did you get 700 cal day from that video? pasta is 200-300 cals per serving, and olive oil has 120 cals per tablespoon, not to mention the parmesan cheese. lol she had tea with real honey, which has like 65 cals per spoonful. which means her lunch alone had 500 cals minimum. if her breakfasts/dinners contain any amount of animal protein (dairy/eggs count...Idk if she's a meat eater), I'd say her daily intake is at least 1100."

Points

1. Proportions Proportions

She does not have a full serving in that bowl. That is a cup or less of dry pasta. But for argument's sake, we'll say it's a full 2 oz serving, which is 200 cals for the Farfalle she is having. A loose handful of spinach like that is about 3 cals. The spinach was tossed with the oil and vinegar already, if you put a tablespoon of oil in there it the spinach would be swimming in it... not to mention the vinegar. The oil in there was 1 tsp. or less. 40 cals for the oil. You'll notice also that the shredded parmesan is sitting next to less than half of a meyer lemon in a little dish. That is also not even a full tablespoon of cheese. Again, for the sake of argument, let's say it is a tablespoon of the cheese, which is 21 calories. To be thorough, lets add a splash of lemon juice and a dash of balsamic vinegar. 1 and 2 calories.

Worst case scenario, that lunch of hers calculates out to 270 calories... though I'd say it's quite a bit less.

Oh and the honey... Yup, raw healthy honeys like hers are about 60 cals and the milk for the tea is another 22 cals.

2. Her Other Meals
Some nights her lunches or dinners admittedly include half a small healthy pizza on occasion with friends (probably the highest calorie thing) at 330 cals for the meal, and about a cup of thick veggie soup at 110 cals and maybe a bit of pasta in it bringing it up to 200 cals.

Preliminary Conclusion

Her highest cal meals land at around 350 cals, so if she ate that EVERY meal, yeah, she'd end up around 1000 cals. And on the low end, if 3 meals a day were on the lowest cal side, she could end up low as about 400 cals for some days.

If Tara ate the soup (no pasta), and the pasta lunch (including worst case scenario numbers), and the pizza for dinner, and drank the tea with milk and honey it tallys up to a 793 calorie day.

Plus, if you looked at her book, you'd see... this girl is empty. She has low body fat and when she bends over, NOTHING smooshes or bulges. Her skin is perfectly lean and smooth, and her abdomen has nothing in it. The only way a person can be that thin with her body's build is to eat very little. Trust me, I have her body build and was about that thin once.

Another video I just found suggests an apple for lunch. Come on girls, an apple for lunch? Sounds like something we'd do on a very low cal day doesn't it? 72 cals for lunch sounds like something I'd do! :)

Anyway, the bottom line is I really don't know what Tara Stiles is eating or what her suggested diet is. She seems to be avoiding the diet question as much as possible. Hmmm... suspicious for a fitness instructor. And anything I've found I had to really dig around for. I hope one of these days she'll put out dietary advice, but I'm not sure if she can. If she is as low cal as I think she is, she'd be torn to pieces in the mainstream. Probably why she hasn't done it yet despite having two books and a video out. I put together as much as I could figure. If I find more I'll post it. :)

I wish I could be fly on the wall for all the celeb eating habits. Wouldn't that be great?

Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 2

2010-09-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

-- Progress Tracking --

Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.

Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)

oops... haven't had time to do this yet.

Personal Entry
FMfuckingL. Today was not a good day for skinny. Not at all.

I had a meeting...

At a diner...

On the up-side, they post calories on the menu. On the down side, I shit you not, almost everything on the menu was 1000 calories or higher!! For one meal!!!! omg... freakout.

But it was dinner out with a bunch of people. Even the salads were fatty insane. Interestingly, ordering desert instead of dinner was the lowest cal option. That bullshit put me at about 1000 cals for the day though! Damn-shittledy-fucking-hell!

So yeah, I'm mad. I wish I was Mia. Not only do I wish I could send it all back out the way it came in, but I'd make sure it landed in the lap of whoever invented such fatty-ass awful food. Crazy! I mean, who the hell eats 1200 cals in ONE MEAL??!! So gross.

Ooh excellent, just thinking of all the disgusting ingredients might be making me nauseous right now. Maybe I will puke after all! That would be lovely! :)

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will be better.

Now, something good. Something I love...

TARA STILES!!

I'm going to start doing Tara Stiles yoga practices every day. You know, I don't know if it will get me in better shape, but she is the most amazing thinspo!

I found some info on what she eats to be so skinny! Here's a link to the Tara Stiles lunch:
http://www.channels.com/episodes/show/5737895/What-s-for-Lunch-

Here's some TaraThinspo to leave you with:

UPDATED:

So fuck it. From what I can figure, a normal calorie day for Tara Stiles based on what she had in her fridge, and suggested for lunch, is about a 600-700 calorie day. So to hell with zigzagging and confusing my sorry dietary issues. I'm going to shoot for that lifestyle and stick to it.

Do you hear me world?? I'm done. Done eating all your awful shit. Done apologizing for my low cal days. Done done done. My goal of 650 cals per day was sound. If I plateau I'll figure out another way around it. No more cal increases.

So there. :P

Tune-up for Tahiti: Day 1

2010-08-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

-- Progress Tracking --

Weight
Starting: 165 lbs.
Current: 165 lbs.

Measurements
Starting: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)
Current: Bust ; Waist ; Hips ; Thigh (coming soon)

Personal Entry
Not much of a personal entry to speak of today. I'm under 100 cals for the day, but the day isn't over yet. Dinner is coming up. I project around 100 calories. If I eat anything tonight with the family, it will just be for show. Maybe some salad with a plain vinaigrette and some more herbal tea.

I'll be posting in this format this month... I hope. :) Need strict efforts and tracking! I AM SUPER OCD GIRL!!! TAADAA!! hehehe

But seriously. I need to lose as much as I can this month. I'm tempted to make a rule that in the house I can only wear clothes one size smaller than me and hardly eat until those damn clothes fit. hehe New, extreme, but maybe it would keep me focused. If I do it, I'll definitely let you know.

Gotta get back to the fam now. If I leave my grandmother for more than 15 minutes she starts calling me... like she thinks I died. She's a sweetie though. A nice, smothering sweetie. But I don't see her that often, so other than her forcing me to eat I'm glad she's here.

Until next time...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

"I-Eat-Mop"

....

lmao... I have issues.
;)

Family and Snack Survival & Tahiti

2010-08-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

-- PART 1 --

Since my family has been visiting, I had been eating much more. They keep suggesting I eat AND it's some kind of nervous habit. When they start talking and I get bored/annoyed/desperate I nervously run for the kitchen. Why? I guess it's an acceptable escape... something they respect. Arrgh!

But I have a solution.

I set up a snack station for myself. Since the kitchen is where I run to, I made a big pot of herbal tea and set it on a tray with a couple cups (in case guests would like some too). And I cut slices of celery, and set them out in a dish of water so they don't dry out during the day. That's it! I just leave it there.

When I go running into the kitchen looking for food, instead I start with a cup of tea. The celery is backup for in case I actually get hungry... but most of the time I'm not. Today I haven't actually had any of the celery. The tea has been good enough. I think I may keep this up even after they leave. I think I have a box of fasting tea... natural appetite suppressant and extra nutrition. A station of fasting tea and emergency celery. A day's worth, and that's it. It could be nice and mobile too for when I'm out doing stuff! Yay!

-- PART 2 --

I think I've been tweeting more than blogging, so some of my Ana friends know this already. I have a Tahiti trip coming up in October. I REALLY wanna be thinner for this trip. I must. We're meeting up with some friends there and it's going to be great! I really don't want to be the only girl there hiding under tankinis and cover-ups. So I'm really going to push hard during September. Gonna post a follow up post here for my starting weight and goals for September.

Lots of control!!

Love you lovely lovies!!
xox

Zig and Zag: The Tale of Two Masters

2010-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

I tried Zigzagging. It worked slowly and healthily, but for me it was confusing and took me out of the weightloss frame of mind.

Zig days were Ed days and Zag days were Ana days.

I think I decayed into eating too much on the Zig days and it took me too close to my binge eating EDnos crap. And since I'm an extremist and can't balance it, I have to do one or the other. And since I don't want to be fat, if I have to choose Ana or Ed, again I go back to Ana. Ed just makes me want to join Mia, and that would be really bad. So I am going back to the drawing board. Back to Ana.

And it feels better this way. I can't serve two masters. One is enough. When I plateau I may go back to a week of zigzag to reset my body, but I don't think I'll be sticking to it. My love is for Ana, so I'm back.

I haven't eaten today. A taste while cooking for my kids. Tiny nibbles. No plate in front of me. I'm sure its about 50 cals of incidental nibbles. 40 calories of plum fruit. And other than that... only tea.

It just feels better. I'm happier not eating. I'm happier restricting like crazy cakes!

Love you skinnies!
xox

On Track! Baby I'm Back!

2010-08-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's cals totalled 746! Yes! I'm back and it feels good.

It was great having a little fast to get me rolling. I don't really want to talk about my weight, but for the sake of honesty and science, I weighed 165.2 this morning. So I guess I am up a pound or two since I was last tracking things.

A bunch of readers on here wanted to know the results of keeping up zigzagging. Well, I bet if I was working out it would be the best thing ever. It is definitely good to break the plateau problem. But as far as quick results go... I'm not as happy with it as I was just not eating. I don't know what to do about that. It goes back to the healthy vs unhealthy weight loss conversation. Healthy is better if you are balanced and disciplined. If you are not... if you have emotional issues, or hormonal issues, and freak out often, unhealthy (aka just starving your ass) works better. Ana is better for me... until I plateau.

So I'm going to try something new... again... I'm going back to obsessing and starving. Then if/when I plateau, I'll go back to zigzagging for a month or so, then back to starving (restriction, fasting, and liquid diets).

Stalking Sexy Tara Stiles

2010-08-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

Slim. Calm. Sexy.

Yes, please. I'm watching some of her blog posts and I hate and love her already. Her skin is so incredible. Tight, supple, gorgeous. I see bones too people! She's perfect. I hearts much.

I'm fucking buying it. Now. This is all I needed to keep my fast going today. Ahhh so good. :) Thank you Tara, you skinny bitch. <3

Now I'm gonna be watching the mail every day til I get it!

~COMMENTS~

Thanks Emry! <3<3<3! I'll do my best! :)

Fasting Till Sunday and Thinspice

2010-08-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

Me and a few other proAna twitterlings are fasting together! Yay! Anyone wanna join? We're going today until Sunday. I've really needed this. I am going to try to continue functioning normally. We'll see how that goes. Yesterday was a very low cal day, so I'm off to a good start. The only obstacle that I can see is that my Grandmother is coming to visit this weekend and staying with me for a week. That makes things hard. She's one of those, "Sit down and eat!" kind of people who always thinks everyone is looking too thin. She gives my sister Mei soooooo much crap for being thin. She's model skinny, but not in a gross way. When she wears black and turns sideways, she literally disappears. Can I be her? Please? Only she's 5'3" and I'm 5'10" so there would be a difference, and she'll always be thinner and smaller than me. We'll never share pants. Oh well. Unless she gets fat. For her sake I hope that won't happen. But she's mostly a vegetarian, so I think she'll be fine.

omg I'm rambling aren't I?

hehehe Lacking calories. And I enjoyed a few drinks last night. I kinda miss this light-headed starvation feeling. Aww... why do I let myself get side tracked? I was really doing so well. My plan was working! Ana was kicking the crap out of Ed(nos) and I was losing lbs like a happy girl!

Truth be told, I haven't counted calories in months. Haven't gained/lost any weight at all. Stagnant. Feh. Meh. Pfff....

It's really stupid. I've I'd stayed focused and with it, I'd be another 15 lbs down by now. Or at least 10. What the hell is my problem anyway?

Well I'm back with it. I'm fasting until Sunday. Done and done.

I wish I had thinspice to sprinkle over myself like magic! Skinnidust! Poof!

Starving is the thinspice of life!

Ooh you know who else is my thinspice right now? Candice Swanepoel. I heart her so much. She is to me what Adriana Lima was to my sister Mei. I want to be her. So hot. You know the face. You know the body. I'm completely obsessed with her... right down to her perfect pouting mouth. Maybe because I looked so similar to her once upon a time. Especially with the blond hair, her face shape, full lips, and height... /sigh

Especially this pic. This could easily have been me at 125 lbs.

Tell me it's not too late. Tell me I can still be that hot in this lifetime. I need to get my priorities straight. And I need to do it now.

Comments

2010-08-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

Didn't get to responding to the comments. Where is my head at? If it was really as detached as it feels sometimes I'd weigh a lot less... ;)

Emry - Thanks! Yeah, maintaining isn't the worst thing to happen. hehe

Kazehana chan - Thanks! :) Yeah, goji berries are definitely one of the new "it" things. Not the tastiest noms but not bad either. Definitely seems to curb appetite though. I think they taste better than acai. If you try them lemme know what you think. I just get dried ones on amazon.com. I'm such a lazy shopper.
And thanks tons for the health tips. The recipe was way better than gatorade. I don't know what the deal was, but it's over and I'm all better.

Heather - Thanks you! <3 Catching up on your sextacular evening and other posts. You've been busy while I wasn't looking!

Rio - Both my crazy faces are glad to be back. At least they have something in common.

More Identity Crisis!

2010-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

I'm like a two faced teddy bear. Both sides fight. Part of me is so happy. And when I'm happy, loving, and feeling loved I get content and don't try as hard to lose weight. I feel good enough. That's healthy right? WRONG! Why? Because others aren't content with me and won't be until I'm thin. And part of me will never be completely happy until I'm thin. So what the fuck. My happiness is self-sabotaging my happiness? That is a backwards-ass problem if I ever heard one. And since when is it bad to be happy. That's how I know this world is fucked and anyone having a hard time with it, or being depressed about it is also healthy. Those people who run around thinking everything is fine and normal scare me. They clearly have no idea what the hell is going on. They are maybe one degree smarter than sandwich meat, and if someone decided to put them between bread and end it all, I wouldn't complain.

Sorry I've been a bit missing-in-action. I've been summering. Have company visiting, done more traveling, and am pretty much enjoying myself while trying to not balloon into a flab-filled parade float.

hehe gross.

I haven't lost a pound in a month. Isn't that sad? I haven't been trying. Not really. I haven't gained anything either. Maybe I did lose one pound. I'm sitting at 163ish. Fuck that's heavy! For me that's still hell of heavy. I need to focus. I need to not let the compliments, and guys hitting on me go to my head and keep my mind on the goal.

EYE ON THE PRIZE BITCHES, EYE ON THE PRIZE!

My prize is 130 lbs. I dropped my first 20 lbs pretty quick. I need to get back after it and drop another 20. At my height, I'll look damn fine at 140... but 130 is heaven. Then a lil surgery plastico to get rid of all the preggy stretched skin, and I'm golden.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! The preggo scare. That also tripped me up. Another reason why I wasn't fasting or extreme restricting. But I'm not pregnant! Yay!! As Scarlet said, not against kids or anything (I have a few already...) but I need to get my body back.

So ok, I'm pumped. Lets do this. I'm not stopping until I'm another 20 lbs down.

Hugs n hearts to my sisters!
xox

FML FTW? WTF?

2010-08-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, Fuck My Life For The Win. FML FTW.

I'm fucked this week. How are you? Fucked too? Excellent. Fascinating that there can be such a broad spectrum of fuckednesses going on in so many lives, no two the same. Like finger prints.

Well, lots of things are going well for me in my life. I am grateful for that much. But it seems that the issues are drawing more attention than the positives. Problems are such fucking drama queens aren't they? They MUST have the spotlight and hate to share.

My drama queen this week comes in the form of a stomach flu... or possibly pregnancy which would be much worse and a much bigger drama queen. We might have had too much fun in Vegas while I was drunk. I'm not a fan of the pill (won't do it) so we've been using condoms. Apparently we were out. Sober that would have been the end of that, but drunk off my ass and I have a whole different set of priorities. I blame him. HE was sober. And he knew my wishes.

I may not be pregnant. I hope to fuck not. It would ruin all I've done here and set me back years. I think I'd go vegan. I'd have to. Grrr.... well enough of that. Speculation is the mother of bullshit. If I am, I'll tell you. Won't know for another week and a half or so. Yay. I love waiting so much. FML.

Back to the "bright side"...

The preferable part of my FML is if this sickness I'm dealing with is a stomach flu or something. I haven't been able to digest food since Friday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today anything I eat comes out how it went down. I've mostly felt fine despite my potty issues. And I've been really excited to be missing all those calories! XD But I went and complicated things yesterday I think by eating some things that are very difficult to digest. Asian fried shrimp with shells on, and later on clams and corn in a very yummy clam bake. Normally, those would be hard to digest, but fine. In this case, it is murder. I was up half the night last night as it tore through my stomach and intestines. I had cold sweats last night and hot sweats this morning. I feel sooooooo fucked in my tum tum. :( I feel like puking, but can't. Horrible nausea.

The down side to my symptoms is that I'm starting to get dehydrated. My legs were cramping in my sleep last night and my lips feel dry this morning. I keep drinking lots of water. I dunno if its good enough.

But BUT BUT!

I'm pretty excited about it. My food isn't digesting. So that means if I want to avoid dehydration from the potty problems, I need to WATER FAST! Yay!! Maybe juice or some soup. I haven't been able to do a long water fast because of how worn out I get. But if I can call in sick days because I'm SICK and my husband has to look after the kids, I can sneak a lengthy fast in there. Plus I probably shouldn't be eating for a day or two anyway while the tummy recovers. So apart from feeling like hell, it's a win/win situation.

How have you guys been? Good I hope. Hanging in and sticking to your goals?

Hugs to all!
xox

Back With Goji Berries...SWAN DIVE!

2010-08-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

Finally back from the Friend-And-FamStravaganza in Vegas.

It went well. REALLY well. Vegas was fun. Tons of dancing, drinking, and sex. It's hard to come back to reality after all that. :)

There is some good news and bad news though.

The Bad News
I didn't lose any weight while I was out there. I ate... and it was amazing.

The Good News
I didn't GAIN weight while I was out there. I can't imagine how... because I ate... and it was amazing. I guess I didn't eat a lot. I kept to gourmet small portions.

The Teeny Bit of More Bad News
I drank juice there every day and am now a carboholic again. Need to work hard the next week or so to wean myself off all that sugar. Was going to fast yesterday and had the worst binge in a year. Chips and candy?? That is soooooo not me.
Feh. Meh. Bleh.

I missed you guys so much. I really wanted to read and post while I was there, but it was too risky. You know what I mean I'm sure. Considering all the people around, that would be the last thing I needed. So provided no one actually dug around in my stuff, Ana, my dearest personal trainer remains a secret.

So now, back and focused...

I chose to actually Zig today and eat rather than my usual habit of cleansing by fasting first. The thing is, I was not eating my normal raw and whole diet while I was away and need to renourish myself so I don't freak out and binge again. For dinner I had a mega binge buster meal.

Binge Buster Bowl
about half a cup of lightly sweetened granola (health food store stuff)
a half cup of dried goji berries
about 2 tablespoons of raw cacao (chocolate) nibs
a teaspoon of sunflower seeds
a handful of frozen blueberries
topped with oat milk

I won't lie. It is a heavy little bowl of food. I let it sit so the goji berries would soak and soften a bit.

Know Your Goji

Goji berries have immune strengthening ingredients not found in any other plant.
They have more vitamin C and anti-oxidants than any other food by a long shot.
Best of all...

They are an appetite suppressant!

Tomorrow I'll be back to a Zag day... or maybe fast. I really want to fast, but I think it's the wrong time of the month for that. I'm right in my PMDD to PMS zone and I have to try not to do anything too drastic during that time or my chemical balances go wacky and I get really manic... mega mood swings to severe depression. Right now I'm trying to balance it out with getting plenty of sleep and good raw nutrition. We'll see how I do. Thanks to the PMDD crap, I end up fighting two battles instead of just the one with my weight. Sux. :P

Anyway, I may Zag, but not starve. I think I might plan another week long water fast for after my period though... TMI OMG FREAKOUT. hehehe You know, we all have them, so sue me. Actually, I guess some of us don't get them regularly anymore... fuck... technicality. ;)

So that's it! Hugs all around! It's good to be back! <3xox<3

Here Today, Then Gone to Vegas

2010-07-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

The moment is at hand.

With about $1000 dollars into my polish-up-this-bitch fund, I have all the makeup, clothes and accessories. But am I ready?

I guess I have to be. I didn't lose as much as I wanted to by now, but I have lost enough to shock people who haven't seen me in a while. Visiting with lots of friends and family I only see once or twice a year, so I should get a good response.

I also tried on my outfits to show my husband yesterday and on a couple of them I saw that look in his eye that I missed so much. It was that unmistakable look of lust. He also said he liked the dresses and that I looked so much better and would be perfect if I could just get 20 more lbs off. I say 30, but that's not the point. In fact, words aren't the point at all. The eyes don't lie. And his eyes said that I'm on the right track. The look flashed across his face twice. I remember when it used to be there 24/7. So I'm no where near my goal, but it is a really good feeling to know I'm headed the right direction and that it's working.

AND and and! He didn't even initially like the dresses. That means that they looked good on me specifically.

Also! (can you tell I'm excited? hehehehehe) I've been wearing makeup which I almost NEVER do, but I needed to practice for the trip. And when we were in a grocery store Saturday night stocking up on drinks for a party (which I later had a great time at and drank way too much) my sister Mei told me that my skin looked amazing and what did I do to look so pretty! :) XD Yay!! This is the gorgeous sister who is also incredible with makeup and is super skinny btw. She said she couldn't even tell that it was makeup! haha!

So I'm thrilled. I look like shit to me, but will appear MUCH thinner to others, have lost enough to have some of a waist line, and due to weight loss and makeup practice will have a pretty face. My hair is light and streaky blond. And it really doesn't hurt to be 6 feet tall in low heels.

I'm glad I get to hit Vegas with confidence... which is the sexiest quality of all.

I'd thank God if I was religious! Instead I'll thank you guys! Thank you! I love all of you. Without you, none of this would be possible. I'd still be as lost as I've been for years. We've done so much together, and will continue to. Every blog I read, every comment I read on my blog or someone else's, every tweet and post, every single name I follow or who follows me... We do all this together. hehe I could cry. God I'm such a sappy loser... hehehehe But really. No one else could possibly understand... not any of this. But we do. So I'll try not to feel lame for gushing my love and appreciation at you guys. I'm not that kind of person but all this is so different and can be such a mercilessly cold place when you're alone. I have a feeling you know what I mean.

Comments!

Kazehana - You are so right. You've already got her out classed and when you put it that way. That extra info sheds more light on your post too. hehehe You two looking like sisters is probably the sweetest justice. :) You definitely don't seem to have much to prove to her anymore.

Ariadne - In response to your comment on What a Wonderful World... That is a really good way of looking at it. :) Glad you liked the post.

Rio - I'm glad you got to check out those youtube vids. I am completely addicted to before and after pics and vids. They are the greatest thinspo to me.

What A Wonderful World...

2010-07-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sarcastic?
Sincere?
Both?

Yeah I'm usually both. How is that even possible? I have no idea. That's just me. I'm happy, cheerful, and miserable all rolled into one very strange storm of passionate personality.

I'm sleepy too. So why do I end up acting more hyper the more tired I am?

I'm a conundrum wrapped in a clusterfuck submerged in a mystery sprinkled with ridiculousness and neatly placed in a box of I-don't-give-a-shit.

Today is a Zag day. Little or no food. I've come to really prefer these days. I lost another pound. But I'm in a phase where it doesn't make me happy. The thrill has worn off. I mean, I'm glad I lost. But after losing so much and having so much more to go, I'm in that no-man's land of neither here nor there. I hate neither here nor there. It reminds me of when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old. Worst fucking years ever. When you're under 18 you're under-age fine. But between 18 and 20 you're an adult... but an adult that can't go to clubs, or drink. Lame. I'm not saying I didn't drink. But I wanted to club. Fucking in-between. Then you hit 21 and the fog lifts.

Well I'm still in the fog of weight loss. Everyone tells me I lost so much weight. I have a hard time replying graciously because I still disgust myself and feel like I have soooooo far to go. 20 lbs is nice, but I have 30 lbs more to go. I'm not even half way there yet, so let's not have any parties just yet.

But even if I'm down, I keep on because I have to. All that matters is the number on the scale. And I love my Zag days! <3<3<3 Sooooo much!! I've had about 150 cals today so far. Might have a salad later if I'm really hungry. NO PRESSURE TO EAT! Yay!!! XD See? THAT makes me happy. :)

The Zig days like yesterday are hard. I'm basically doing every other day, because it's easier to remember. Zig days I usually am WAY short on cals when dinner comes around and I freak out trying to think of ways to get enough calories to keep my body out of starvation mode. I've gone for popcorn or a tablespoon of peanut butter to beef up my calories without eating absolute garbage. Most of the day I just have fruit and veggies. I'm big on celery. I don't eat red meat anymore at all and almost never eat cheese... Sometimes I'll have a cup of Oat Milk for more cals.

A general Zig day menu is like this:

Breakfast: About a cup or less of granola, with half a cup or less of oat milk. (250 cals or so)

Lunch: A veggie salad with a bit of lettuce but chopped, shredded or julienne veggies. Maybe more like a slaw but without the sugary fatty dressing. I just dress it with salt and lemon juice, or vinegar and olive oil. (about 100 to 250 cals depending on the dressing 300 if I add avocado)

Pre-Dinner Panic: "omg I'm only at 500 cals and am supposed to finish the day between 1200 and 1500 cals!! wtf am I going to do?!?

Snack: A cup of oat milk. (110 cals... up to 610 total)

Dinner: broiled fish, stir-fried veggies still mostly raw, and maybe half a baked potato. TON of godddamn food. :P (about 500 cals... puts me barely at 1100 cals... still low.)

Post-Dinner Panic: "shit! shit! shit! I'm still fucking under! Shiiiiiiit!!!"

Usually that's where my day ends. I don't eat in bed anymore or snack after dinner usually. Yesterday I made popcorn with a ton of butter and nutritional yeast on it, but I didn't eat much. Still it probably bumped me up at least 100 cals. Or maybe I'll have a square of chocolate, or if I'm at my sister's house I'll have some brie and crackers. Those things put me up another 100 to 300 cals depending and then I might end the day where I should for it to actually be a Zig day.

I do not look at the scale at the end of a Zig day. In fact, I don't touch the scale in the morning after a Zig day. I don't want to know. I only weigh myself after a day or two of Zag days when I'm nice and empty.

It's working though. I dropped another stubborn ass pound even though I'm working out and gaining muscle.

In case you wanted to know, here's a few average Zag days:

Fasting. Period.

or

Water for breakfast, gum for lunch, and one small meal for dinner.

or

Water for breakfast, literally one or two bites of my kids food for lunch, a salad or 6 celery sticks or a couple bites of my kids' leftovers from dinner. No meals other than a salad maybe. (never more than 400 cals for the whole day... usually not even close.)

Those days suit me just fine. :) Like today. I'm not hungry. And since I've been raw again, no binges. Thank my lucky stars! I can't tell you how much easier (and less embarrassing) this all is without binge freak-outs. I think I only have one once a month when I pms and that is ALL. Hooray!

I know I've said it so many times, but if you really don't ever want to binge again, go low carb for two weeks like on Atkins induction, then go 80 or 90% raw. You won't binge. You won't even want to.

xox and more xxooxx :)

If I Can't Be Me, Who Can I Be?

2010-07-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

I feel better this morning.

I'm glad to be water fasting today. Anyone with me?

So I have to switch up my identity on here again. I think I'm having a fictitious identity crisis. lol AnnabellaGamble is way too long on twitter. So I'm changing it again. Plus I'm shelfing my Annabella's Identity Crisis blog for now anyway.

Just so everyone knows, I'm just shortening it all down to Elle. Ah simplicity. Not so many letters. It's a skinnier name. :) So there it is. Wow, I feel so much better already.

Love,

Elle
(aka AnaBanana ;)

Reality Has Set In... FML.

2010-07-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

I was looking at pictures of myself taken at different points over the last 15 years, and I realized something... I have such a long hard road in front of me.

I mean, in the old pictures, in the young ones I was skinny. But anything over the last 15 years, I either looked fat, or was fat... and am fat. I probably can't look good at anything over 130 lbs. at 5'10". God this is so difficult. I feel like crying... really. I ate today. It was a Zig day. I managed to get around 1500 calories. That is the most I've had in a long time. I'm so glad today is over. I think tomorrow and Friday I'm going to fast. I can't even bare the idea of the usual low 500 cal day. I want nothing. I deserve nothing. I've earned nothing.

My body is in a state of suffocating excess. I have another 20 lbs to lose before I deserve any consideration at all. I'm still floating around 164. Working out has fucked me like I knew it would. I am gaining as I'm losing. Yes, toning. Yes, it's good for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. I don't care. I don't care that my legs have more definition and my abs are firmer. I don't give a fuck because the scale still says 164 and it is confirmed by my naked body drowning in fat.

I shrunk sizes. I thought I'd be happier about it, but that is WHY I feel like crying. I'm just a smaller size of fat. Why did I do this to myself? How did I not notice I was packing on blubber like a manatee. I do not need the physique of an elephant seal! Where the hell was I when all this was going on?

So yeah. Things are great. I'm a smaller fat me. And I have been some shade of gross for the last 15 years. I have to undo 15 years of hateful damage. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. But no. I have to be consistent and fight....

haha Want to know something really funny? I couldn't quit if I wanted to. I feel broken and heartbroken right now... full of giving up... and I can't. I hate calories and my fat ass self so badly that I can't say fuck it all and hit the cherry ice cream I have in my freezer right now. I can't. Because all that I am wants to starve. Every bit of me.

I think I finally understand that feeling... that need for purity.
A clean empty body.
A body that isn't trying to ruin my life.
A body without food in it.

In the name of losing weight faster, I'll fight that feeling and make myself eat 3 days a week. But the other 4 days... those belong to me and Ana.

Together we are going to feast on our rage, and feast on our emptiness, and I will make room for this helplessness and sadness I'm feeling right now to literally eat away at that 15 years of fat and food abuse.

I need to make myself right.

God I hope I can, because after what I just saw, I feel like it will never happen. I just feel doom.

Sorry to be so gloomy... but if I can't tell you guys, who can I tell?

Gonna go to sleep now. 8 or more hours of sleep helps the body burn 30% more calories than a tired body.

<3 you. xox

Manic Moment

2010-07-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

If you were looking for the usual lengthy and articulate post, look much further because this one isn't it.

I'm pissed.

My brain is pissed, I'm tired, and even my stomach is pissed.

I don't know how to cope with myself anymore. I need sleep. I'm sick of having 3 or 4 people working against everything I do.

I'm tired.

isn't she lovely......

2010-07-20T07:53:00.001-07:00

I'm in love with her...

... isn't she great?

I heart her so. She's my picture of the perfect woman. A mom, loving family woman, humanitarian, absolutely stunning and thin, beautiful inside and out, and she does her own stunts!

My Hero.

<3<3<3
<3<3
<3

P.S. Is it just me or has the Ana bloggie world gotten unnervingly quiet lately? I'm starting to worry about people.

Joy!!! What a nice change of pace...

2010-07-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sick... I'm on the rag... I have a few reasons for not feeling great, yet what is this happiness erasing all my woes?

I went shopping. Which I also usually hate.

Hate the crowds.
Hate too much advertising.
Hate looking fat in those mirrors under awful lighting.

Well I got a very pleasant surprise yesterday. I went to buy some clothes for this event I have this month, and found that I'm...

A SIZE 10!!

Ok ok ok... I know this might not be the greatest thing to all you damn skinnies out there. But listen. I don't remember the last time I was a size 10. Seriously. Had to be more than 10 years ago. AND at 5'10" a size 10 ain't bad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a fat bitch, and look like a partially deflated fat-balloon. I'm 20-30 lbs away from being anywhere decent. So we're not popping any bottles of Dom just yet.

But the clothes I got made me look SKINNIER! And hehehehehe ... size 10.

Did sizes get larger when I wasn't looking though? I mean, in January I was almost a 16, then by April made it back down to 14 (which I've mostly been the last 10 years), then to a 12 a couple months ago. But 10??? I'm way fat to be a size 10! But I got size 10 jeans at Gap, and two size 10 dresses at Bloomingdales. I did get one size 14 dress, but that was so it could fit my giant boobs (which have not shrunk yet AT ALL...size 36D. though the size 36 band is also a new development).

I treated myself to a special celebration of eating almost nothing! Had half a chinese chicken salad, giving most of the chicken to my kids, and later had a small serving of veggie nachos without cheese. Oh wait... I did have some wine. Probably a 700 cal day then I guess. I think I'll starve today though. I'm so happy!

Shrink shrink shrink!

Still struggling with the Zig days.

-----------------------------------------
Zig
Definition: A higher cal Zigzag day.

Zag
Definition: A lower cal Zigzag day.

Usage: "Holy shit, I gained 5 lbs at my Grandma's over the weekend! She made me Zig when I needed to Zag."
or "Guess I Zigged when I should have Zagged, I'm so water fasting tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------

Zigging and doing it in a healthy (raw or whole foods) way is still really hard for me. It's a two fold problem.
1. It's just hard to eat.
2. If you eat healthy foods, you have to eat a bit more to get the nutritious calories.
It's so much easier to bump up the cals for the day by eating a slice of pizza, but that is the wrong stuff. Just try getting that many cals eating salad. blech. So I'm getting more fish, and avocados for the zig days.

Maybe zig days will be my sushi/sashimi days. I have no problem getting enough cals from sushi. The rice isn't ideal, but sushi is something I will never deny. :)

anyway...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

YOU ARE WHY I MADE SIZE 10 <3333

And with all of you I know I'll make size 8 and then 6 too!

xox

House of Thinspo: It's Richard Warren Night

2010-07-16T18:44:00.001-07:00

Some of us play with toys...

Some of us are the toys...

<3'spo
xox

Busy Burning Day

2010-07-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Patron Saint of Skinny
Ana Claudia Michels

Now More About Me (teehee)

Got up early this morning, went for a mile walk then hit the gym. No 500's today, but I guess I did alright.

I was almost to 45 min and hadn't hit 400 cals yet. I blame it on the fact that I was sick. But I started to freak out! I need at least 400 if not more than 500 or wtf am I doing in there anyway. So I ended hard. I might have looked crazy. I didn't care how out of breath I was either. I was gonna get that 400. As you can see, I overshot it a bit.

Now... if only I could be consistent.

Still trying to eat. And it's still hard. Don't call it recovery. I don't give a fuck about recovery, ED's, diagnosis, advice, or fuck-all. All I care about is the number on the scale. I don't care about tired, or my excuses, or how long I do what. The only thing that matters is that number. So if I have to eat, I'll cram shit in my face. I'm determined, can you tell? Still sux though. Zigzag bitches, zigzag.

That's how my sister Mei got so infuriatingly skinny. She models you know. :P Looks absolutely great. But she's not the skinny build in the family, oddly I should probably be the thinnest. >>P What did Mei do?

SHE ZIGZAGGED!!

She suggests not eating every meal. Some days she hardly eats at all, a few times a week she eats 3 meals. She doesn't eat meat other than seafood. And when she does eat, she eats the richest, fat packed food she can find. Not a lot of sugar, but I think she eats more butter than anyone I've seen in my life. Something her style would be like eggs, veggie bacon, and toast for breakfast, homemade mac and cheese for lunch, and some butter soaked fish dish with a completely loaded baked potato for dinner... and popcorn for a snack. BUT only a couple times a week. The rest of the time, little bits, popcorn maybe, or nothing.

Well anyway, I'm not sure I can do what she does, but I'm trying.

Ok, gotta go watch some movies with my honey. Love you girls!! Keep skinny and strong! <3 xox

Feast or Famine

2010-07-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

For me, there is no middle ground.

I feasted for decades. It really showed. I could blame it on the babies I had, but that would be a plain old lie. 3 kids, and I never ended up weighing more than I started at by the end of the first year just naturally. It was the feasting. Stuffing. Gorging. Slamming food into me until it hurt and I was happy, only to do it again a couple hours later. It's a sickness. An illness of both mind and body. I'd probably say of souls too, but I'm still on the fence about if I believe we have them.

I did healthy, but still binged. I couldn't stop myself.

Then April 26th 2010, this year, something in me snapped. I've starved before once or twice for a year or two in times of extreme hardship. I have a good husband, so many friends... but the lack of love (no, not sex, believe me) in my life resulting from my weight, the lack of attention became very apparent.

Know thy enemy and know thy self.

I knew my enemy was my binge disorder... which meant my enemy was food. So I stopped eating, and began this blog. I am in a love affair with Ana. I've found I love starving. I lost weight. Everything was going so well for months. Then she turned on me too. My body well into starvation mode started plateauing and even gaining off nearly no calories. Starvation mode.

Shit! After all I went through. I want to be skinny more than anything else! So now, I have to eat to lose. Starving is so much easier! I can do feast, and I can do famine... but healthy? I'm having a very hard time with healthy. I'm not binging. That's not my problem now. haha Crazy... I can't believe over-eating isn't my problem for a change. Now my problem is eating. I don't want to.

When I eat the amount of calories I should... well ok, let's back up here. I DON'T eat the amount I "should"... never get there. When I eat an amount of calories closer to what I should, I feel like vomiting. Mind you, I'm not Mia. I physically have a hard time vomiting and may have only twice in the last 15 years, only if I drank too much. But eating now... ugh... I feel like dying. Probably why I don't binge. I don't think I can. I get 1/4th of the way there and get sick. Fuck the rest.

Feast or famine... FAMINE PLEASE!

So shit. I'm really into the zigzagging, but I don't think I can do minimum of 1300 cals like I "should." Not yet anyway. What I'm going to try is more like this:

Monday - 930
Tuesday - 820
Wednesday - 1876 (The year of Custer's last stand.)
Thursday - 820
Friday - 1580 (The year Michel de Montaigne first published his Essays.)
Saturday - 930
Sunday - 1718 (The year of Black Beard the Pirate's last battle.)

Holy shit. That 1876 cal day is going to be interesting. On the other hand, I'm also going raw, and I'm not sure how to get that many calories eating raw. Maybe dates, avocados, bananas, and mangos. Veggies sure as hell aren't going to get me there. Way to complicate things.

That's it, shake me up and let me roll. We'll see how it all turns out.

Oh, one more thing though... I will never give up sushi. I don't care what damn diet I'm doing. So there. ;)

xox

UPDATE
------------------------------------------
Shit... this means I still need to eat about 400 more calories today! /sigh This is not going to be easy. Popcorn to the rescue? Wait... that's cooked. Shit. Well no one is perfect.

ZigZag Diet Calculator!

2010-07-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

Very cool calorie calc! It even gives you a zigzag plan!
http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm#

I just calculated mine!

Oh ok. I see.

To maintain fat-ass weight, I need about 14,630 calories per week. -- Fuck that. Moving on...

For weight loss, I need about 11,705. -- No, but getting better.

For extreme fat loss, I need about 9,579. -- Seems like they don't want to go lower than 1312/day in order to avoid starvation mode.

Hmm... I'll have to think about all this. Good stuff! More on this soon. A plan is forming...

Monday Posty Mosty!

2010-07-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hi!

Hello you! I missed you. If you're reading this and have a blog, you should know that I read your blog too as often as I can. And I love you. Every single one of you. Our struggle can be such a lonely one, but as long as we have each other, we're never alone. Someone somewhere understands you. Doesn't that feel good? I know it helps me.

Love,

Annabella aka AnaBanana

And on to the bloggin'!

I lost some more weight. Yay! My fasting too much caused my weight to jump up. I was carrying water. Freaked me out. Then I'd bounce down for a day and then back up. Yuck. Really freaked me out. I was almost puking from sheer stress.

BUT!!

I grudgingly took sushicatny and my own advice and increased my calories to around 800-1200. I am going to crunch some numbers and get it exact, but there REALLY is something to this zigzag stuff. You just have to zigzag in and out of restriction. Dip low enough to barely be starvation cals, and back up to low but healthier range cals.

We are also finally going raw again. The whole family. The kids might get rice or potatoes sometimes, but mostly we'll all be raw. I gotta hit my books for inspo again.

I have:

I've been raw most of the last 4 days and in that time, my weight dropped down from the 4 lbs I inflated then lost then gained again, plus I dropped 2 more lbs. Thank goodness!

Been drinking lots of pure coconut water, and eating veggies or raw fish.

I have to admit, it's definitely been challenging to eat. And binging is still dangerous. I haven't been doing this long enough to cure my binges. But if I get all the bad food out of the house, I'll have nothing dangerous to binge on. How much damage can you really do binging on celery or fennel bulbs? Not much.

So far today I've had one and a half apples (for breakfast).

Gotta go figure out what veggie will be for lunch now.

I'll keep reporting back on my progress! <333 xox

SUSHICATNY! Must see!! READ THIS!

2010-07-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

Have I been living under a rock? Why have I never heard of SushiCatNY???? She does a weight loss video blog.

Began at 210 lbs...

Then she went on a 30 day water fast, this is day 15...

This is day 30...

Then several months later she discovered (like I have recently) that fasting is counter productive and can make you fatter. >PPPPP (fucking hell) Causes edema, the body taking on water, bloating, etc. Yuck.

Then she moves on to zigzag dieting (between 1200 cals and 2000).

I guess it worked, because 5 months later...

And 3 months later...

The finale...

She basically zigzagged without going quite into starvation mode and danced in her room a lot. Nice. The talking is boring but the results and her awesome drive speaks for itself.

http://www.youtube.com/user/sushicatny

Amazing. I love it. <3 xox

Skinny Chef is Skinny!

2010-07-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Never take food advice from a fat chef. lol But check these girls out! I guarantee you that they only get moderate to light exercise. What do they do? Just raw whole food.

Check out the thinspo cooking show! ;)

How many calories do you think are in that plate of two wraps? 100? Less? <3 Why do you think they're so skinny! Raw is all the vitamins to be radiant, and the fewest calories.

God... this is what I should be doing. Why am I not doing this? I know I should be!

It's time to recommit to a raw lifestyle. If I love myself, if I really want to be thin and gorgeous, I'll do it.

Good Morning Demarchelier Thinspo!

2010-07-07T07:19:00.001-07:00

It's 7:00 am, do you know where your fat is?

(no, that is not my actual heart rate.
and i finished out the workout at just over 500 cals burnt. yay!)

And Now Your Morning Thinspo
Viva Patrick Demarchelier!

(I want this one hanging on my wall. Beautiful.)

4th of July and Summer Thinspo

2010-07-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

Stars and Stripes Baby

Summer Sublime

Yarr...

Stubbornness

2010-07-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

It's easy to see what is going on with my body right now. Lack of sleep and lack of calories have me burning calories inefficiently. Starvation mode. So I'm making it a point to go to bed earlier and nap if I have to. My workout yesterday was great and I know I burned around 400 calories.

My body is pushing metabolic shutdown, I just need to push the bitch back with more exercise. I'm also increasing my calories a bit. I'll bump my limit up to 800 but no more. I just can't cope with the idea of more calories than that right now. I need to work out hard though.

Yesterday's workout was great. I was really surprised how good my stamina is for someone who's basically hung around starving for the last few months. I had to start small because I have an injury and need to test the waters before I work too hard and reinjure. So I did a basic 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, then a brisk walk for another 30 minutes. I really wanted to run. After that first hour of moderate and light activity I had such a strong urge to run. But that would be begging for my foot injury to flare up. Doc's orders are to lose weight, but not to run... great.

Anyway, I'm half a lb. down this morning. I did drink a ton of water after working out so I'm hoping it was fat loss. Or maybe I'm losing some of the water retention. Either way, I'm not happy, but I'm happier than yesterday. I just need to increase the workouts and be diligent. Again, that's so hard with kids and a family. Everybody else comes first.

But if it's hard, I will be tougher. I will continue to push and push because I have no other choice. I'm never going back again. I will weigh less and less until I reach my goal. My fat will vanish. I want to be bikini-ready by October.

Fuck!.............. :( :( :(

2010-06-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Why don't my outsides match my insides? Why is my body not the image of me that I have in my head?

Then I wonder why people don't treat me how I would. I wonder why people don't treat me as well as they should.

Its because they've never seen inside me. No one ever sees inside any of us. They see what is on the outside. They see our body language, our expressions... the things we show them PHYSICALLY!

If I don't look like the person I am inside, people are not going to see it physically. I remember what it looked like. I remember reading their faces, bodies and manners when I was thin. I remember what it looked like. I feel like fucking crying right now, I swear to god. I want that back! I remember what love looked like. Lust. Getting checked out is one thing, but I've been cherished... and I'm not. Appreciated, yes, cherished, no. I'm no longer a show-stopper.

Inside me I'm a bad-ass. I'm smart, funny, caring, loving, well-read, creative, witty, and fan-awesome-goddamn-tastic! And I look like shit... so it doesn't matter.

That leaves me to be the only one who loves me in a very pure and complete way. I'm too fucking fat for anyone else to meet me at 100%.

I don't know if I'm ranting and making no sense at all but I'm really fucking upset right now. I have the evening to myself. Nothing happened. Just when I have time to myself I have time to think. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm going out. Fuck all this shit. And I've plateaued. I'm going out to break that fucking plateau.

Going to up my workout schedule... not that I've had much of one.

I'm also cutting the fucking carbs back out. I've fallen into that trap I've warned so many of you loved ones about. Don't add crap calories from foods that are bad for you. But I've done it lately. Fucking hypocritical trap. I mean, if I've only had 350 cals, I can have a cookie and still be under 500 cals right? Fuck that fucking plateau creating shit! No goddamn carbs unless they're from raw, whole foods.

God even I hate myself right now. Hate. I loathe my failures in will power. And I absolutely despise what I've let myself become and the fact that I did let it happen. I let it all go. I had it and lost it. Why? Fat-ass fucking complacency. I was happy. I was naive. I deserved a fucking smack across the mouth.

Ok. I'm out. I'm sorry to vent like this, but if I can't say it here.... I don't know. I need to say it somewhere.

I love you all though. I hope you are doing better than me right now. Stay strong and keep loving yourself. You deserve to be as amazing as you can imagine yourself.

Dear Oh Fucking Dear, Plateau!

2010-06-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

I don't need this right now. Things were going so well. I loved touching 165 lbs. I needed it! But all I did was touch it, and as I mentioned before, now my weight loss has stalled. Not just stalled, crept up HIGHER.

I did have a lot of salt, and knew I'd bloat... and I did. But I thought that would be the end of it. But here I am this morning at 168!!! Yesterday was 167.

I did eat over the weekend, but I didn't go over 1000 calories on either day. Probably more like 800-ish.

Panic.

PANIC.

PANIC!!!

This is not ok. Not at all. I looked back into my Tap&Track iPhone app where I've dutifully logged all my calories, and weight for the last several months. As far as I can tell, I eat less calories than ever. I think this must be the "starvation mode" that everyone talks about. And where ZigZagging works, I think even my Zigs are being interpreted as Zags since both types of days are below 650 calories most of the time. I think Zigs are supposed to be around 1200 cals (from what I've read). I couldn't do it though. That's so much food and every time I got close to eating that much I thought I'd puke or explode.

According to my Tap&Track, I lost the most weight when my daily limit was around 800 or 900 for a week and then I'd fast for about 5 days. My weight would fluctuate up and down, but it was still a steady loss weekly. It would go down, down, up, down, down, down, up, down, down.

I think I have to go back to that, but I have a problem. I'm not very good at 800-900 cal days anymore. I've been searching for the perfect 300 cal day and do well at it. :( Those need to stop on a regular basis and go into the category of Fasting Days. >P >P >P

I don't like any of this one bit. Way to start my week... Hello Monday.

Less Loss..... but why??

2010-06-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

I think it's because of sleep! You burn 40% more calories if you get enough rest. I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL this week. I haven't lost a pound in about a week and a half and am kinda bobbing up and down 4 lbs. Grr....

Need to plan in more sleep! I also collected a whole bunch of good tips for burning extra calories. See 30 Ways To Burn More Cals! at Pro-Ana Optimal.

Today was an eating day. Sometimes I find that when my weightloss stalls, eating for a day will get it to drop below the stubborn pound. Today is about a 1000 cal cay. I just can't bring myself to go up to 1200... so I hope this is enough.

Fat Burn Zones, Fat Bitches, and Fat Shots of Vodka

2010-06-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

This is really a post for Pro-Ana Optimal... Oh well. I'll post it over there. A clean one. This post I'll fuck up with tales of how much I drank last night. Let's put it this way, I had a really good time, and slept really well last night. There was a bit of drunken tweeting under the wrong account, but wtf. It could happen to anyone. lol I <3 vodka and it loves me. I swear I feel better this morning AFTER drinking than I did yesterday before.

I saw a lady in the park yesterday. She was throwing an obnoxious squeek ball for a cute little dog. The lady must have been at least a hundred pounds overweight. My first thought was, "Lady, you should be the one chasing that ball." Seriously. That lady needs to find her fat burning zone.

Speaking of fat burning zones, you can burn up to 30% more fat using the right heart rate. This chart shows MY customized fat burning zone and other heart rate info.

I mean, if you're going to work your ass off, this is the best way to get that ass off. Go here to get your heart rate zones calculated, if you don't know already.

"Call it sickness call it madness call it obsession i don't care i still call it perfection" - Thinspoella

<3<3<3

P.S. Titania or anyone else interested, if you want to put the Pro-Ana Optimal banner on your own site, that is completely good with me. :) Enjoy!

A Perfect Calorie Day!

2010-06-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

"You're mad, bonkers, off your head... but all the best people are." -Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Today was a perfect calorie day, and I swear to god I'm not going to fuck it up with a binge tonight!

Breakfast - A starfruit - 38 calories
Lunch - NOTHIN' :)
Dinner - A rice cake spread with olive tapenade, mashed potatoes, and half a tomato. - 256 calories

After dinner, I felt like my stomach was going to explode. That is such exciting news for someone who normally can't stop eating until it hurts. After so much restricting, it hurts much sooner. Yay! 'Course then I hated myself for eating so much. I really wanted only the rice cake with the tapenade. :P But once I start eating, it's so hard to stop.

That puts me at 294 for the day. Perfect. I swear I won't mess it up this time.
<3<3

Movie night! ttyl my loves!

Calorieeeeees BEGONE! & new blog

2010-06-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been so bad about posting lately. I'm a crazy person and I do too many things. My life here is pretty much the MOST important thing though because it affects everything else. I'm not going anywhere, but my posts have been lesser due to life. My apologies.

Day before yesterday was about a 350 cal day. Yesterday was about an 800 cal day. ZiggyZaggy baby! :)

Today I had a starfruit for breakfast... 38 cals. We'll see how the day goes.

I've enjoyed blogging here so much I decided to start another blog. My Pirate Journal is just about proAna and staying on track... supporting you <333 and staying strong and focused. I found there is so much more I want to talk about too, but I don't want to bury my ED battle here, so I started this...

...for all the stuff in the rest of my life. My weight battle will be part of that one too for sure, but it will be part of the bigger picture. I won't post calorie counts or strategies and stuff there. That is for here. Ana and all the Annies come first! :)

How To Make Miso Soup

2010-06-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Titania wanted to know how to make Miso Soup.

That all depends on what you use. There are packages of powdered miso soup mix you can get in the store. You basically add 8 ounces of hot water and stir those.

If you are making real miso soup, which I do fairly often too, you need more ingredients.

Miso Paste - There are many different kinds, so you'll have to try some until you find what you like. Most japanese restaurants use shiro miso or white miso paste. That is what I normally use.

Dashi Broth - Dashi is the bland soup base that miso paste is mixed into to make miso soup. There are several ways to get dashi broth. The easiest way are powdered mix that you can get at any asian (or japanese) market. There are MSG-free dashi mixes, or dashi no moto which is MSG based... tastes great, but not so good for you. I get an MSG-free version. One box of dashi mix lasts me a very long time. From scratch, dashi is actually a mild bonito (dried tuna) and kombu (kelp) broth.

Flavorful Garnish - There are variations of flavorful garnishes that make the soup more beautiful and tasty. The most popular of these are silky tofu cubes, green onion, and sometimes shredded nori (paper seaweed). These ingredients would be cut and placed in the bowl, with the hot broth poured over them to retain their shape and freshness.

So to make a cup of real miso soup, you would heat up about 16 ounces of water, add the appropriate measurement of dashi mix, simmer, then reduce the heat and add a tablespoon or two of your favorite miso paste. It should cloud the water, but not thicken the soup. Then pour over your garnish ingredients in your bowl. Miso itself should not be boiled, so the only boiling should take place when heating the original dashi broth.

I hope this has helped! :)

Am over my blog's identity crisis...

2010-06-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

I changed the look of my blog for a while. I liked it but it freaked me out. I like my journal dark and seedy. They are my inner thoughts and feelings... so the gears and fog are very appropriate. Plus, I think I'm coming out... and starting another blog. Not just my proAna life, but the rest of my life. To do that, though, I think I may need to unveil myself... fuck. I love my anonymity. Hmmm... Oh well. It will definitely be less anonymous..................shit.

Well we all have to grow up and own up sooner or later. So here goes...

Liquid Fasting with OhMyGosh

2010-06-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, make me food!"

"Mom, I'm hungry!"

"Mom, do you want me to starve or something?!"

No, but I want to starve or something and it's very hard to do when I'm cooking all the time! My oldest made their own breakfast. I had a shot of liquid carnitine and a glass of water. Made my younger kids sandwiches.

Then I had a bite of sunflower sprouts, took my System Six (weight loss supplement) and got started baking some bread for the kids for later today.

Ok, so it's not a perfect liquid fast, but I have to use about 4 cups of sprouts before they go bad. I'm not throwing my money away. So other than those sprouts, I'm on the OhMyGosh-End-Of-June-Fastravaganza!

From OhMyGosh:

Liquid fast is approaching for the end of June. Starting after your Father's Day cookout, here are the things you can consume:

Allowed
Juice
popcycles
jello
water
diet soda
gum
black coffee

Not Allowed
milkshakes
smoothies
fancy coffees

Sunday night through Thursday night - got any questions?

Well, I don't drink juice... frankly my 4 cups of sprouts have less cals than 1 cup of juice... unless it's carrot or v8. And I don't drink soda... not even diet. Hmm... and no coffee. So my Allowed List looks more like:

Allowed
~~Juice~~ miso soup
~~popcycles~~ chicken bullion broth
jello
water
~~diet soda~~ tea
gum
~~black coffee~~ liquid carnitine ;) ... hey it's a liquid. lol
and sprouts with lemon juice (131 cal total over the next day or two)

Sounds like a plan. The fast is until thursday, but I think I may just round off the week and go until friday.

And on that note... I smell shit. Time to go change a diaper.

Missing In Action & Mid Summer

2010-06-21T08:00:00.001-07:00

Where am I guys? I'm so sorry I haven't been here posting. And I can't. Soooooooooooo much work to do.

I love you all and miss you. I think of you all the time.

I hardly ate all weekend, and when I felt hungry or a bit light headed I'd think of you and smile and have a glass of water. :) Then I got back to work.

And last night I had the first and worst binge in a month. I was so close to running into the bathroom to give it my best try at purging... but my husband was right in the room with me and I don't think his support and patience with my proAna life extends to Mia. So I suffered. And as I suffered I thought of you guys... and missed you.

The binge was on vegetable soup with dumplings... so it could have been worse and it did pass quickly, but I still felt like dying at the time.

I have so much to do still. I've been setting up my new apartment. Building new furniture and organizing my stuff. A major goal is to create a really good, inspiring, and functional workspace for myself and family. It's taken all weekend and some help from Kit and Mei. What a zoo.

My breakfast of choice lately is a shot of liquid Carnitine and a glass of water.

Lunch is gummy vitamins, and some more water.

Dinner has been a half or quarter serving of whatever I make for the family. This seems to work out pretty well for me.

Ooh it's Midsummer! I love nature holidays... :) They bring out the pagan in me who just wants to dance around bonfires all night. Not that I'm pagan. I'm not pagan, not christian, not atheist... I'm just me. But I love holidays. I pick up holidays from any religion if I think it sounds like fun. Nature holidays are easy though because the celebrations make sense. Midsummer... its the middle of the summer. Rad lets have a party. Better than Easter. I never got Easter. Jesus died, and some guys 1,500 years ago claim someone really did see him floating away to heaven on a cloud, so we get together, hide colorful eggs, and each chocolate. wtf? Yeah. Its just not for me. So I celebrate the Spring Equinox. It's spring time! So we do spring things! Like decorate baskets to look like warm grassy meadows, with nests and new born baby animals in it, and may flowers all around it. Makes more sense to me.

But back to Midsummer! Where's my bonfire...... Is this the one where everyone is supposed to have sex for 24 hours straight? Or was that May 1st? Better to be safe than sorry... muhuhahaha! ;)

Thinspo in a Boyfriend Pant

2010-06-16T05:35:00.000-07:00

Pant.

Pant.

Pants.

I just like the word pants. I like that it can be clothing, or a slang for something bad. I've adopted it completely. "That's pants!"

Look at Miss Skinny Pants. :)

One last look before she disappears...

I'm still here. But I'm disappearing pound by pound... every week. It is working. I will be skinny. I will be sexy. When I get there I may decide to become a nudist because I look so incredible. I should either be nude or wear only the most amazing clothes.

And if I eat... if I do... I promise, I won't be doing it at this place:

Once Upon A Family... Back to Modern History

2010-06-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

So Kit and Mei... my sisters... have begun a family intervention of sorts. Not for my diet, but for the sake of our sisterhood. We are now having Sister Nights once a week where we get together and work on positive and productive things. We are not allowed to fight or even bitch about anything. I didn't want to because I really didn't want anything to do with them right now. I'm deep enough in the dark... But I feel like there might be some light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm giving it a shot. Mei began it as a way for us to build a stronger foundation for our relationship. Kit can't comprehend why anyone is having a hard time and thinks everything is wonderful. As I've mentioned, she is prone to denial. Forever 15 in someways, and I don't know if she understands how fucked up things are right now. For example, she doesn't think she needs therapy. Everything is as good as can be. I think she's scared to rock the boat. As Mei has said, there is too much shit to atone for... too much wrong and too much Kit can't fix. She has to learn to forgive herself. Her guilt constantly overwhelms her. Being around her is a huge challenge for me... especially now because my theme is to remember it all. Stay in the truth of how fucked everything is and allow it to guide me to my goals... to survive or die, to succeed or fail forever. Kit stands for everything opposite to that. Everything is fine. No one needs to change. Things are good enough as they are. Fuck that!

I don't know how these Sister Nights will go, but I think the positive nature of it is a good idea. We each have a reaction for when one of us starts to bitch about something. Mei's is to "scream like there's a cockroach in her shirt." I almost died laughing when she told me that. Mine was to pantomime flicking an imaginary bugar at the person... Anyone have any suggestions for a better one? It was all I could think of at the time. Kit's is to put an imaginary coin in an imaginary swear jar.

What should my bitching reaction be? I think we can do better than imaginary snot picking and flicking. :) I'll update you guys on how these nights go.

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

Something New - Pills

2010-06-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

Got me some System-Six today. I've never tried it before and haven't really been taking anything other than gummy vitamins and L-Carnitine... lately in the liquid form rather than tablets because I like it better.

I can tell you that I lose MUCH more when I skip a meal and take Carnitine instead. I can tell the fat I lose is a bit hard on my body, but goddamn it does work.

Back when I went from 155 to 128, I did take some weightloss supplements too. I have no idea what they were or if they're even legal anymore...hehehe... but I do know that they helped a lot. I'm hoping to notice a difference using this stuff.

Irwin Naturals official System-Six pitch:
Metabolism Boosters & Carb Metabolizer^*

System Six® is a complete formula that provides six support systems to assist with weight loss:

Exercise and Endurance - Garcinia cambogia delivers a powerful extract called Hydroxycitric Acid (HCA). HCA may act as a metabolism booster and in one preliminary study significantly increased exercise endurance.*
Energy - The botanicals yerba maté, guarana and cola extract work to support energy levels and provide natural caffeine.*
Mood - Standardized St. John’s Wort extract is included in this formula to support brain chemicals that influence mood.*
Metabolism - A combination of B vitamins helps convert food into energy to fuel metabolism. These nutrients are necessary for the breakdown of fats and proteins.*
Carbohydrate Support - Chromium helps support carbohydrate metabolism and assists in the breakdown of carbohydrates into glucose which provides energy for the body.* Along with a healthy diet and exercise program, chromium can help support healthy blood sugar.*
Antioxidants - Green Tea and other nutrients in System Six help protect cell health and provide nutritional support for the body.* System Six, when combined with a low-calorie diet and exercise program, provides weight loss support to help you meet your goals.*‡

/end sales pitch

In other news... Scarlet, I like how in your blog posts you answer comments from previous posts. It makes it really easy to see your replies. Much better than just replying to the comment in the comment thread... so I think I'm going to start doing that too.

Scarlet - I had no idea her husband died too. I know he was all involved in her death... wow weird. Let me know if you like the movie.

Gracile - I definitely recommend it. I'd love to hear what you guys think of it. It's definitely on my favorite movies list.

24 Hour Water Fast Complete!

2010-06-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, it ain't much, but it's 24 hours. :) Yay! Did end up eating this evening. A bit rich, but I'm still under 650 cals for the day, so I suppose it's ok. I hadn't planned on eating but, shit happens. But as long as the shit is under 650 I won't be losing sleep about it.

I'm so excited that I dropped lbs this week. Last week felt like such a battle. I think I'm going to go watch Love and Other Disasters. :) I adore that movie. It's so Audrey. I miss Brittany Murphy.

Hormones and Weight Loss/Gain Article

2010-06-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Scientists are discovering there's a hidden key to shedding pounds, and it's got little to do with calories or willpower. Meet your hormones -- and the surprising effect they have on weight.

Say you eat a doughnut. The doughnut you deserve because it's a hellish day, and carbs are what will make this week -- the one before your period -- worth living through. Oh, the bliss when that powdered sugar hits your system! Until, inevitably, you crash, which leaves you exhausted and depressed... and sniffing around for another doughnut.

Because a doughnut is never just a doughnut. It's a Molotov cocktail that you're lobbing into your hormonal ecosystem.

Death by FAT - AN ANA MUST READ

2010-06-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

There are about 310,232,863 people in the United States.

Of the adult population, about 1,861,397 (0.6%) have been or are anorexic, and about 3,102,328 have been or are bulimic (1.0%).

Of the 4,963,725 combined people living with Ana and/or Mia, about 1000 die each year.

That means 0.02% of Ana/Mia girls and guys die every year. (That is 0.0003% of the U.S. population.)

"What does all this mean??"

Here is some perspective for you...

An average of about 1000 people die of bulimia or anorexia nervosa yearly. BUT almost 20,000 die of murders. About 25,000 die of the common flu. And over 40,000 die in car wrecks. If people think your ED is dangerous, they really should stay off the roads.

Now lets get to the FAT of the matter.

Anorexic AND Bulimics of the U.S. total 1.6% of the population. Guess how many suffer from BINGE EATING DISORDERS... 2.8%! More than Ana and Mia combined. A whole 66% of the adult American population is overweight or clinically obese. Now that is a real, large percentage.

Did you know obesity is the leading cause of preventable death in the U.S., second only to tobacco use? Yes, worse than smoking!! Why is this not all over billboards and magazines?

We usually look at obesity as an issue of looks, but it's not. It is a serious health risk. Fat people are at a very high risk of deadly conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and heart problems. It happens all the time!

Some people like Star Jones do things like getting Gastric Bypass surgery, which cuts out part of your stomach to shrink it, and bypasses part of your small intestine so it can't soak up as much calories. People who have that surgery can only eat tiny amounts or they throw up or get sick (sound familiar Mia girls?). They can't drink when they eat. Only before or after so it doesn't stretch their stomachs. They rely on highly nutritious food and vitamins to avoid malnourishment (sound familiar Ana girls?) They can't have sweets on their low cal intake because it makes them want to binge, and causes shaking, sweating, dizziness, rapid heart rate, and sometimes diarrhea. Hmm... Interesting. And how is this not considered an eating disorder? It sounds a lot like what we do every day, only they have it done to them by a surgeon. And why? Because of their Binge Eating Disorder.

Back to the poor souls who really did need treatment. The 1000 girls and boys (girls mostly) who die of Ana and Mia each year. It really is sad, and really can happen. Most of us will never be that far gone though. Most of us won't let that happen. Remember, the most popular actors and actresses, and all supermodels and runway models are among our numbers too. They are high profile and high performance. I follow the obituaries. Ana related deaths are few and far between. They may even contribute to complications, but most of those deaths are very obviously drug related (prescription and illegal).

So is there death? Yes, it does happen, and it's horrible that it does. BUT it doesn't begin to compare to the death caused by being fat. So why does everyone get all over the skinny person's case and not the fat person? Why is it ok to harass the thin ones. They are FAR less likely to become gravely ill or die than the fat person.

I have one theory. Fat people spend money. LOTS. They buy more food than a skinny person. Then they get sick and go to the doctor more than skinny people. They need meds more than a skinny person. They end up in hospitals more than skinny people. $$$ Money money money... Sometimes they need special care. Sometimes they get gastric bypass surgery... $$$. Skinnies are minimalists. We might buy more clothes... um... and more bottles of water? Not a real cure for economic slump or creators of huge corporate profits are we?

I hope this was good food for thought... I know it got me thinking.

More Fun Facts:

...more than 1000 people die of drunk driving accidents between Thanksgiving and Christmas alone in the U.S.
...1000 people die in the United States each year from electric shock.
...1000 people die in the UK each year from lung cancer caused by gas leaks.

Alejandro, Alejandro.... Ale Ale Andro....

2010-06-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

I liked it. While Christina copies (even if it is good), Gaga is more original (seemingly). :) Don't call my name.

Bye Bye Lbs! I won't miss you!

2010-06-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yup, the ZigZagging is just what my body was waiting for! I'm down two pounds in just the last 3 days! (Water fasting tonight until 10 pm.)

I had a dress to wear to a wedding over the weekend and it was too big for me!! XD XD I had to wear something else!

I can't wait to see what I shrink out of next!

The only thing that bothers me is knowing that I could have done this at any time if I'd wanted to badly enough. I guess I hadn't had enough of my Ed(nos) yet and I hadn't had enough of being fat. I thought I was happy, but watching these pounds disappear off me makes me happier than any of those other happinesses did.

I want to see my body at its true potential! Nearly 6' and 125 lbs of smart, sexy, hotness. God its going to be great. I might even get to a reasonable weight before I move back the little island in the South Pacific that I grew up on. I'll be able to wear a bikini again in my tropical paradise! How nice will that be? Instead of hiding under some tankini and wrap. Ugh. I ended up in a pic in my swim suit last year... it was horrifying. It is actually up on Facebook. People see it. Makes me want to puke. I can't wait to make those pictures into liars. :) Soon!

It's like OhMyGosh said, by around Christmas I'm going to be a completely different person! XD
<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

24 Hour Fast!!!

2010-06-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad the weekend is over!! /sigh I survived. I'm doing a 24 hour water fast (began 10:00 pm tonight) to help wash the weekend off of me. :) Anyone care to join? Nothing kicks off a Monday like a water fast! hehe

Oh, and due to PMS, my weightloss had stalled last week or so, but my zigzag calorie days seem to have jump-started it back up! Yay! Dropped a stubborn lb and a half the other day. Finally!

Lots of Ana Banana lovin to all! <3333

EAT PRAY LOVE, the Movie

2010-06-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I guess there was a book Eat Pray Love, and now its been made into a movie. Just watched the official trailer... It looks wonderful... truly. Fuck that movie.

I think what they touched on in the trailer symbolizes my whole life so far... except that I got the right guy instead of bouncing all around.

I have eaten....... fuck eating.

I have prayed... had faith... been centered in "God's" light and spiritually fulfilled. What a bunch of crap.

And love, well, I have loved more and more deeply than I'm sure most have the courage to, and I'm such a glutton for punishment that no matter how much I'm hurt, I always bounce back with a full and generous heart eventually. Ok, ok, the love part is fine. Love rules.

So as good as that movie looks. Really, Julia Roberts probably makes it incredible and believable, the whole thing is ultimately for shit. I will avoid seeing it because it appeals to the disappointed idealist in me that still wants to think that fairy tales are true. That's not me anymore. Now I'm writing my own story... living my own true story instead of trying to cram my real life into the mold of a ficticious existence as described in some holy book, self-help manual, or psych magazine.

If there's money involved, it is a lie. I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule, but they are FEW and far between. That's why I love this community. There's no money here. No line. No sales. In fact, it's taboo, controversial, but here we are because it works. That's all. It's honest.

So Julia Roberts and company can keep their EAT PRAY LOVE. I've got Ana. Julia Roberts didn't get where she is today by eating and praying, I guarantee it.

Half-Time Cal Report

2010-06-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: wtf is breakfast. I don't usually do breakfast anymore.... anyway...
3 bites of my son's left over peanut butter apple sandwich - 45 cals
1 zero cal vitamin water - 0 cals (no shit... hehehe)
1 girl scout cookie - fuck - 60 cals

Morning total - 102

I plan on having a lot of water and a shot of 5 hour energy for lunch. That will be 4 more calories.

Today is supposed to be one of my low cal (zig) days since I zagged yesterday. It's fine. I'm completely not hungry.

I really need to find a good time to exercise so I can stick to it. I might start having my protein shakes for dinner so my body is prepped for a workout every morning. Of course that would mean I'd have to go to bed at a sane hour rather than stalking Calorie Restriction Diet websites like last night. I think I spent an hour fucking with a calorie restriction calculator to get the controlled twin's weight want I ideally wanted mine to be, and the calories low enough that I could stand it. Well whatever. Now I have some sort of adjusted plan and I'm sticking to it... for now. You live, you learn.

Once Upon A Family... Mei edition

2010-06-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

Mei was 13 when our mom died.

Mei was practically a child. She idolized my dad until he abandoned her. Then I left and she was alone with our dreamy, delusional sister... drowning. Her wisdom and maturity never prepared her for this. She lost half year of high school because my dad was too sad/damaged/busy to enroll her. She was a self-motivated "A" student too... (Unlike Kit and I who'd take any short cut, and lie or cheat to get out of extra work... or any work.) So she dug in, huddled up and survived. It took a family effort to threaten my dad into getting her into school again. Eventually she did, went to college, got her drivers license, and graduated with a bachelor's degree. She is multi-talented and recovering from her disappointments and wounds. It seems as I fall apart she is getting stronger.

Once Upon A Family... Kit edition

2010-06-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

(Once Upon A Family... Part 1 if you want to start at the beginning.)

When our mom died, Kit was 15.

Kit kept in the theme of her survival skills. She dealt with my mom's death through deep denial. She even fainted during one of my mom's services. She just couldn't cope. Remember, with her strengths neglected and weaknesses magnified, all she could really use was her front of extreme optimism to keep her afloat. Kit dropped out of high school soon after my mom died. I tried to stop it but my dad blocked me at every turn, afraid I'd displace him or his authority from the family. Crazy. She also never got her driver's license. After I moved out, no one cared enough to help her with it. My dad traveled and left my sisters with loser housesitters who misused the money he sent back. Kit still deals with life the same way... smiling until she can't anymore. A surface optimist and closet pessimist. When things get bad enough she can't keep food down. Once when she had trouble with her boyfriend, she couldn't keep anything down for a week and we almost had to check her into a hospital. She's very opposed to pro-ana and in part it may be because it scares her. She is 29 now... an unpublished writer who works at a small coffee shop. Part of her threatens to stay 15 forever.

TMI BMI FML WTF TTFN

2010-06-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'm officially aiming for a BMI of 19, the lowest healthy rating for my height. That would put me at 130 lbs. Sounds very reasonable. I have goals lower, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've been researching a zigzag pattern of dieting. This allows extreme restriction some days, combined with "normal" calorie days so that your body is reminded that it is not starving. I'm not sure if I can do this though. I just found that my "reset" days would need to be no less than 1782 calories. Holy shit that's a lot. I think if I tried to eat that much now I'd explode.

I know I'm here to lose weight. That's all I care about. If it was proven that painting half of my face pink and hanging upside down to sleep 3 nights a week worked, that's what the fuck I'd be doing. The last thing I want to do though is eat. I don't even think I can. Even if it was just once or twice a week. I mean, 1782 is a lot of fucking cals. And it's supposed to be nutrient packed.

I'm thinking my "zag" or "reset" days will be on Wednesday and either Friday or Saturday. I can't commit to that many calories. We'll have to see what happens. The other 5 days will be one of 3 things:

1. A water fast or liquid day
2. One of my "Perfect Cal Days"
or
3. WTF anything under 650 cals max

It's funny, I've proven I can do 650 or less days on a VERY regular basis. I have no idea if I can increase much above 1000 now even if I try. I won't do it on shit food either. I love myself too much for that. Maybe juice. Fresh, raw juice... good for you and has a fuck ton of calories but without much to stick around in the body. Hmm... who knows. One thing you can count on, I'll post about it when it happens!

I love planning. It makes things so entertaining when I get to post about what actually happened and how fucked the plan got. C'est la vie. Što ke mu praviš. Sayonara. It is what it is.

God I'm tired. I'm getting all multi-lingual. I need to sleep. I'm never going to be able to wake up tomorrow... another busy-ass day.

Gnight skinnies! :)

Love, Progress, and Official Before Pics

2010-06-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I told you all how much I love you. You've all given me strength where everyone else in my life failed me. You've inspired me when I had little or no motivation. You've kept me going strong when I felt so weak.

I love you so much for that.

I love dearly everyone whose blog I read...

I love deeply everyone whose comments I read, on my blog and others...

I love every single soul who follows my blog and the blogs of my proAna friends...

And I love, love, love my skinnisisters because they're fucking amazing! :)

There is so much I'm grateful for. For example, there is no wedding ring on my finger though I'm married. But I won't wear it again until I've reached my goal weight. It's too bad it took such a painful situation to shake me awake, but I'm so relieved that I did. And despite the daily struggle, I'm so grateful to know that I can fix this... that I AM fixing this. How amazing. I almost forgot what kind of beautiful potential I had. And I'm so glad we can find our way to our skinnier, more physically beautiful selves together. <3<3<3

At blog I read, Yummy Secrets, Yum just posted progress pictures and a link to old before pictures she had posted. omg Her courage absolutely amazes me. I could never imagine having the strength and bravery to do something like that. But it is so inspiring! Please take a look...

Before

After

Look at her thighs! The difference is so clear! The pic sets were taken 5 months apart. She wants to lose another 17 lbs and is well on her way. Aren't you proud of her?

I took "before" pics too when I started in April. I never had the courage to post them, but I do now. I am so gross... it is so disgusting. Part of me feels like all of you will hate me if you see how fat I was. I know I've lost about 10 lbs since then, but believe me, I don't look too much better yet. I am posting them here and now and it is no joke when I tell you that it makes me feel like dying. I'd rather die than post. I think I might actually cry...

But I'm doing it. So here they are. FML.

(I can't believe I'm doing this... and no, I don't wear that fucking swim suit...)

(If you click this awful shit, you'll be able to see it clearly. My semi-transparent posts get messed with by the blog background.)

Holy shit.

Ok. I'm not saying anything else. I can't. But these are the Official Ana Banana Bella Before Pics. I post them with the perfect trust and faith in myself that in a reasonable amount of time I will post something much better. I will post progress. And like how what I've seen inspired me, some poor girl who looks like I did will see them and see the after pics and find a hope in herself that all the infomercial lies in the world could never inspire.

The hope I intend to create is a cause far more important than my shame.

So anyone I don't know, and didn't name above. Any of you who reads this now and later, looking for hope for yourself... looking for someone like you... looking for an answer... know that I love you too. Even if you came across this years from now, I am somewhere feeling love and appreciation for you and your troubles. This love is so great that I posted my own disgusting pictures so that maybe you'd feel less disgusting and find your own courage to set a skinny goal and head for it whole-heartedly.

Until next time...

-Ana Banana Bella

P.S. If you don't already, go subscribe to Yum's blog, Yummy Secrets!!!

Gaga Ooh La La and Water Fast 2 Conclusion

2010-06-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

I had some great big important post that I almost wrote last night and swore to myself I'd get to today. Fuck. I forgot every bit of it and it's glory. Damn. My tummy is upset this morning and I can't remember a thing. Feel like shit. If I remember it I'll post.

I ate last night. You know, like a dinner. I didn't track my cals for yesterday but I bet they were at about a grand. It was supposed to be a zigzag day. I'm going to try to zigzag now... you know, have nearly nothing for a day or two, then have the lowest possible non-starvation amount of calories so my body chills about starvation mode. It's supposed to "open up a conversation with your body" so that your body understands that even on restriction, there is no emergency and you have what you need. That way it will keep burning like a happy little calorie steam engine, throwing your fat in the fire. So for the low cal days, I'll be using my Day 1 Perfect Cal Day plan, and will post more as I come up with them.

I fell off the map on my workouts. It's so hard to maintain it with kids. I'm going to try again though because I need it desperately. My weightloss is too slow now and I'm pissed off. I really want to see the 150's. God that would make my day... my week... my month! I haven't weighed 150 anything in probably over 10 years. I'm a bit flubbery and cellulitie at 150, but at 5'10" I look like a person at that weight... not a total fat ass.

P.S. The conclusion of my water fast was that it lasted 3 full days. Then I found myself at the bottom of a few glasses of wine that went a looooooooooong way because I hadn't eaten at all. I was pretty trashed. It was fun. And didn't even take the whole bottle! hah! I'm becoming a cheap date. No food and a shot or two and I'd be all kinds of happy.

Weeeeee Micropost! Water Fast 2 day 3

2010-06-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

weeeeeeeeeeee feel like I'm on crack! Chocolate and water fast day 3!

80 calorie days for 2 days so far, and today so far is nothing. NO HORMONE FREAK OUTS SINCE ADDING THE CHOCOLATE! YAY!!!!!!!

POSSIBLY SLIGHT SUGAR RUSH RESULT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA"JHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm off to run errands! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Like Water For Chocolate: Water Fast 2 Day 2

2010-06-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was horrible. The lack in calories made my PMDD flare up to a certifiably insane degree. Not good. So I handled it the only way and insane, fat, desperate, fasting person would... I ate chocolate. 80 cals worth of semi-sweet Ghirardelli baking chocolate (58% cacao). And you know what? I'm sane today. Fasting. Hanging in. And sane.

So yes, I had an 80 calorie day which should have been straight water fast, but I don't give a fuck. 80 cals is fine by me.

In fact, around lunch time today I had another 80 cal serving of the chocolate to make sure to get ahead of any PMS/PMDD out-burst that might be resurfacing.

I also just put in an an amazon.com order for raw cacao nibs. Completely raw, TOTALLY unsweetened (bitter as fuck tasting) chocolate. I intend to incorporate it into my diet and see if/how it affects my ability to take in less calories and feel more satisfied.

Water Fast 2 Day 1

2010-06-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Water fasting again. Last time was really hard. I was ignorantly trying for 10 days and ended at 5. This time I'll be doing 5 days, and this time I have my husband cooking for my kids. He gently suggested a healthy diet and exercise. I shot that bitch down fast. He is very understanding though and is helping me out. He doesn't judge. I love that about him.

People who love you shouldn't try to control you. They might try to inspire you or even educate you, but beyond that, they can't change your mind or heart. I'm glad Jae isn't trying to change mine.

So I have to go do some shopping for him today and run some other errands. I'm really excited about this fast. The last one was a son of a bitch.

This time, I'm going to use distilled water. I didn't do that last time. I'm also going to stay off the caffeine... had to learn that the hard way last time. And I may or may not take Carnatine. I'm not sure yet. I think I'd like to try keeping it simple this time.

Talk you you lovies later! <333

In Search of the Perfect Cal Day

2010-06-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I want to get in a groove. A rhythm. A familiar cycle of instinctively eating clean and low cal. I want to find the perfect day. Even a 600 cal day seems like a lot to me. I want days under 500. I think I can build them.

I am making a page on my blog for them, and if they work out well, I'll even add them to Pro-Ana Optimal. So far I have Day 1 outlined and analyzed.

Day 1 totals out at 440 max. Less than 15g fat, 36g carbs, 4.7g fiber, and 41.4g protein. With about 30g digestible carbs, this is even a fairly low carb day. Check it out!

Now back to fasting.

WTFat?

2010-06-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

How does burning fat work?

http://health.howstuffworks.com/health-illness/wellness/physical-fitness/weight-loss/lost-weight.htm

iFast... because everything else is just too slow.

2010-06-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

Planning another 5 day water fast. With 3 kids, it really does take planning. And help. So I'm setting it up. My husband is helping facilitate so I can stay away from the food this time. Last time it was so hard being around the kids at meal times... not to mention cooking for them. I can't do it.

I've tried for 3 day fasts lately and can't get through day 2 while cooking for everyone. I am restricting ok, and not binging, but I can't fast under those conditions. No way!

I don't know what he's going to do. He works all day. But he accepted the job, so I guess he can do it. I'm just going to get the kitchen cleaned and polished up for him. The rest is up to him.

I'm not sure how soon this fast will start. Gotta be soon though. Maybe tomorrow? I have some social engagements next week that I can't miss and have to be somewhat pulled together for.

That 5 day fast is just stuck in my mind.... like a major crush feels. I lost about 5 lbs last time. And the scale temporarily dipped down about 10 lbs. I knew it wouldn't stay that way, but even seeing those numbers for a moment felt so amazing. I want to get that feeling back. Plus, I NEED to be 150 by mid or late July and I'm running out of time. If I fit in 2 or 3 more 5 day water fasts, I'll get close.

Anyway... back to the kitchen... need to get out them scrubbing bubbles! :)

Friday Night!

2010-06-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day! Water fasted all day. The evening took a turn for the social and I went to hang with my girls. So I did bump some calories. I didn't feel too bad about it after not having eaten all day.

I'd finish me out at around 600 cals for the evening... there was ice cream involved. Where you have girls you can always find ice cream.

Gonna do the same tomorrow though. Liquids or water as long and often as I can. Live the dream!

Now I'm hitting the shower and moving on to the evening's other enjoyments. :) Probably True Blood and sex. Mmmm... what am I waiting for? XD

See you all soon! I love you all! Don't let slow progress keep you down! Just keep at it and your control won't fail you! xoxo

Good night!

So Hot for Shorts Right Now hehehe

2010-06-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

PrettyWreck bought shorts...

...

...I love shorts.

All I can think about is how I'd like to fuck up some shorts...

... put my long legs in them.

...

Lonely island would...

...jizz in their pants.

...

34 inches from hip to ankle, babes...

...I'll rock them hard at my GW.

...

Add some summery heeled sandals to the mix...

...life would be good.

...

I have never let my height stop me from wearing tall shoes. :) I like being 6'1"...

I'm ok-ish in shorts now... long ones. But in about -20 lbs...

...omg I think I just...

lmao

can you tell I'm a little nuts from water fasting?
At least I'm a happy drunk.
;)